It's not.
If each assignment is only a couple weeks at a time and the assignments are frequent, I could..... get use to it. Great way to meet a lot people and tone in on different skills at the same time.
I'm currently temping for a company located inside the Birks Building in Vancouver.
I love, love, love the historic district of Vancouver. And to have the chance to get inside many buildings in the last couple weeks, that I otherwise wouldn't have, has been a treat!
My current assignment is available for a a permanent fill. However after one day there, I've pretty much decided I'll work the assignment and leave the permanent spot for someone else.
In 6 hours, I learned the position, faster and took on more than she was expecting . Easy and insanely busy! Love it!What I do not love, are the people's attitudes. I was met with a fake politeness from my immediate supervisor. As nice as she actually is, she'd make jaded comments like the following all day long:
"If you work out, you're probably a gluten for punishment like me."
"We frown upon taking any time off, for things like doctor apts, or floater days etc"
"We have summer hours in July/August, I bet you've never known a company to do that?" (I informed her of the perks of my last position, having a compressed work week.all.year.long. ;-)
When asked/assuming the company takes good care of their staff as they've all been there a really long time, reply: "Ptff, no, not really. The benefits are good though"
I'm all for work hard/play hard attitude, I asked if the staff hang out together after work for drinks, or do other social things as a company etc, she replied with a look like I had three heads. There was my answer. Actually she did say, it happens, rarely, and it's more of a "Its checking out time, SEEE YA!"
On top of those responses, the office is like a million degrees and I'm sweating in all the wrong places!!!! So gross.
Ya, I'm not sure this is a company I want to work for. I don't want to be miserable. I know, I know, I'm unemployed and I shouldn't be choosy. Really? They fired the last temp of 5 weeks, cos she happened to mention she was THINKING about moving back to her country in roughly 5-6 years. They ended her position immediately, which brings us to today, enter me.
A little torn, cos I really dig the position, though, that is it. I'd like for the people I work with to be social within the company, and/or outside too. It keeps morale up, and helps productivity if you like the people you have to see for 90% of waking hours. Granted it's a small office of only 8 people in Vancouver, although the company is global.
Still..... not jazzed about trucking an hour into Vancouver to work with people who could care less about their associates one way or another.
Input.... GO!
Monday, 30 January 2012
Thursday, 26 January 2012
I Fell in Love with East Vancouver Today.
I was in East Vancouver today, willingly. It’s not the most desirable areas the city has to offer, or so you’d think. The Strathcona neighbourhood, borders the DTES. (Downtown eastside) British Columbia’s oldest residential neighbourhood. It is bordered by Chinatown to the west, Clark Drive to the east, Burrard Inlet on the north, and Canadian National Railway and Great Northern Railway to the south.
Being so close to the DTES, you would never know you’re so close to the most dangerous part of the city in all of Canada after dark. The people, while sketchy looking, and smelling bad, only as a below the poverty line community can, there is beauty. Lots of it. People smile, and are warm, and kind.
While looking obviously lost, a very undesirable man approached me. Being raised in the city, you’re always a little on guard when someone walks towards you like this. Prepared for him to ask me for money on a remote road, robbing me if he felt the urge; he asked if I was lost, and offered his expertise on the area with a kind smile, then went about his way. Knocked my pretentious ass down a few notches.
I was only supposed to be in East Vancouver for a small project I was doing for a friend. After getting distracted by hidden gem after hidden gem tucked away in this decrepit little neighbourhood that the rest of the city has written off, I fell in love; with East Vancouver. There are ghosts f old houses with huge yards, you could tell once stood a strong neighbourhood. Where people had gardens cos they probably couldn’t afford to buy their fruit and veggies, cloth lines cos people knew how to conserve energy and money when you didn’t have any other choice. A concept the city is realizing again, and has lifted the bylaw against cloth lines and owning chickens. J You want your province to flurioush again and “go green”, then stop being such a prude and lift old bylaw bands you put in place cos you once thought they were an eyesore.
There is so much rich culture, history and not to mention the architect. Buildings that are colourful, charming and were probably once the boast of the town, when the milling, logging and railways were being built, now look like old forgotten movie sets. Now run down, barely standing, are sad reminders of an area that once flurioushed with love. You can tell this was, and still is a working town. Being less than a block off the Burrard Inlet, this industrial area still has a little shine in her with the Grouse Mountain so close; you could almost see the people doing the grind. Kidding, but you know you’re somewhere special when you take a moment to look around.
Vancouver is worldwide known for its diversity in cultures. We have the largest Sikh community in North America in Delta, next to India itself. We have Chinatown, and little Italy. There is so much, much more than that. Get off the bus, get out of your car, and walk around. Tucked away in-between those stores, and designated areas, there is a Latin, Turk, and Ethiopia communities. A nice change from what we consider to be the norm here.
After spending an hour of my head exploding at the Antique & Marketing warehouse on Franklen Street, practically under the port bridge to the longshoremen area, there is this store. Walked in, and fell.in.love. All the pieces are rustic and well over a few hundred years old. Some doors have been converted into tables. I found one, and will spend the $1595.00 is cost and put my own legs on it. It’s a must have. The staff was great, and non-pressuring. A hidden goldmine of amazing stuff; from buildings in our city that no longer exist, and some from the owner’s own travels. Anyone with a pretty penny to send on a one of a kind piece of furniture, this is a must. To think in the near future, my dinning room table will be a 160-year-old door with its hinges still on it. Companies certainly don’t make shit to last like that anymore. It will probably last another 160 years. Add some leather chairs, and whola, you have a piece that everyone will love.
Walking to the bus stop, I ended up in front of Latin Organic Coffee House on E.Hastings. Deciding to pop in and grab a latte for my ride home was by far the best thing I could have done all day. The gentleman behind the counter was a treat. Excited to have clientele. He went on to tell me his coffee would ruin me for all other coffee out there. Smiling to be polite, I thought, “sure it will”, cos every coffee house on the planet claims this. Not being a fan of Starbucks or Timmy’s, what did I have to lose? O.M.G. best damn latte ever! So much so, I went back in and bought a pound of their regular coffee, missing my bus in the process. Sold. I’m a coffee snob now.
Bothering Single & Picky at school with texts of excitement from my adventures, she was equally thrilled that I fell in love with it as she resides in the area. I’ll be spending more time down there on nice days for sure. As I hopped back on the bus, and then the train, entering the hub of the rat race, I became sad, at the views of what now seem cold starch neighbours of townhouses without yards, no kids playing in the streets, no mum and pop shops. The rest of the city seems….. Cold, lifeless, and poor from the riches of true communities and culture. It should be everywhere, not just little corners tucked away that people forgot about cos the government doesn’t think it’s worth preserving or mentioning.
Do yourself a favour, and get out of your car, get off the bus and walk around in a neighbour you’ve avoided treading into cos the media said you should. Be smart about it of course. Chances are I wouldn’t venture into the neighbour after dark without friends.
Being so close to the DTES, you would never know you’re so close to the most dangerous part of the city in all of Canada after dark. The people, while sketchy looking, and smelling bad, only as a below the poverty line community can, there is beauty. Lots of it. People smile, and are warm, and kind.
While looking obviously lost, a very undesirable man approached me. Being raised in the city, you’re always a little on guard when someone walks towards you like this. Prepared for him to ask me for money on a remote road, robbing me if he felt the urge; he asked if I was lost, and offered his expertise on the area with a kind smile, then went about his way. Knocked my pretentious ass down a few notches.
I was only supposed to be in East Vancouver for a small project I was doing for a friend. After getting distracted by hidden gem after hidden gem tucked away in this decrepit little neighbourhood that the rest of the city has written off, I fell in love; with East Vancouver. There are ghosts f old houses with huge yards, you could tell once stood a strong neighbourhood. Where people had gardens cos they probably couldn’t afford to buy their fruit and veggies, cloth lines cos people knew how to conserve energy and money when you didn’t have any other choice. A concept the city is realizing again, and has lifted the bylaw against cloth lines and owning chickens. J You want your province to flurioush again and “go green”, then stop being such a prude and lift old bylaw bands you put in place cos you once thought they were an eyesore.
There is so much rich culture, history and not to mention the architect. Buildings that are colourful, charming and were probably once the boast of the town, when the milling, logging and railways were being built, now look like old forgotten movie sets. Now run down, barely standing, are sad reminders of an area that once flurioushed with love. You can tell this was, and still is a working town. Being less than a block off the Burrard Inlet, this industrial area still has a little shine in her with the Grouse Mountain so close; you could almost see the people doing the grind. Kidding, but you know you’re somewhere special when you take a moment to look around.
Vancouver is worldwide known for its diversity in cultures. We have the largest Sikh community in North America in Delta, next to India itself. We have Chinatown, and little Italy. There is so much, much more than that. Get off the bus, get out of your car, and walk around. Tucked away in-between those stores, and designated areas, there is a Latin, Turk, and Ethiopia communities. A nice change from what we consider to be the norm here.
After spending an hour of my head exploding at the Antique & Marketing warehouse on Franklen Street, practically under the port bridge to the longshoremen area, there is this store. Walked in, and fell.in.love. All the pieces are rustic and well over a few hundred years old. Some doors have been converted into tables. I found one, and will spend the $1595.00 is cost and put my own legs on it. It’s a must have. The staff was great, and non-pressuring. A hidden goldmine of amazing stuff; from buildings in our city that no longer exist, and some from the owner’s own travels. Anyone with a pretty penny to send on a one of a kind piece of furniture, this is a must. To think in the near future, my dinning room table will be a 160-year-old door with its hinges still on it. Companies certainly don’t make shit to last like that anymore. It will probably last another 160 years. Add some leather chairs, and whola, you have a piece that everyone will love.
Walking to the bus stop, I ended up in front of Latin Organic Coffee House on E.Hastings. Deciding to pop in and grab a latte for my ride home was by far the best thing I could have done all day. The gentleman behind the counter was a treat. Excited to have clientele. He went on to tell me his coffee would ruin me for all other coffee out there. Smiling to be polite, I thought, “sure it will”, cos every coffee house on the planet claims this. Not being a fan of Starbucks or Timmy’s, what did I have to lose? O.M.G. best damn latte ever! So much so, I went back in and bought a pound of their regular coffee, missing my bus in the process. Sold. I’m a coffee snob now.
Bothering Single & Picky at school with texts of excitement from my adventures, she was equally thrilled that I fell in love with it as she resides in the area. I’ll be spending more time down there on nice days for sure. As I hopped back on the bus, and then the train, entering the hub of the rat race, I became sad, at the views of what now seem cold starch neighbours of townhouses without yards, no kids playing in the streets, no mum and pop shops. The rest of the city seems….. Cold, lifeless, and poor from the riches of true communities and culture. It should be everywhere, not just little corners tucked away that people forgot about cos the government doesn’t think it’s worth preserving or mentioning.
Do yourself a favour, and get out of your car, get off the bus and walk around in a neighbour you’ve avoided treading into cos the media said you should. Be smart about it of course. Chances are I wouldn’t venture into the neighbour after dark without friends.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Small Update & Accutane Update
First of all. I TOOK MY LAST ACCUTANE PILL TODAY! Boo-yah!
I'm under a tremendous amount of stress these days. My face broke out two weeks ago and still hasn't healed. I have a derm apt this coming Tuesday to confirm I'm done. Maybe one more month, but gawd I hope not. A proper update on the Accutane will follow soon.
**My face broke out.
Was it all for nothing? Or simply stress related?
**I can't find full time work that pays enough to pay my rent and bills WITHOUT a roommate.
**The roommate and I are not getting along at all.
He took a low blow tonight. I called him out on it, via text (don't judge us, it's easier this way). We're getting into the thick of things and he's decided that we no longer need to speak to each other, ever. He'll pay his rent and stay in his room.
Okay, so not cool. I need us to be getting along and being civil with each other if you're living here. I can't have someone living in my home that hates me, and thinks being verbally abusive is funny. Like I said, we're working on some details at the moment, but it's not looking good. We've even argued about the way I look for work. Apparently I'm a dumb-ass and should search the black hole in my head that I call a brain....I'm not allowed to be a bitch while under stress (yes I did a shitty thing to him 3 weeks ago) but he's allowed to be verbally abusive (he thinks it's funny to goat me) and hold a grudge.
I am never going to have a normal roommate situation am I? Sure all people living together have rough spots, but this went from 95% okay to -15 disgusted by my existence in a blink of an eye. At least it seems that way. As I'm writing this, he's stopped replying to messages, but keeps sending his own. Sigh.
Until these last 3 weeks, I would praise him as a roommate. But having someone hate me in my home. It's a little steeper than I think I can manage right now. Three weeks ago, we were good. We were friends. Now.... Gaawwwd. Once I'm employed again, we'll revisit how we get along. I can't be the only one making the effort to fix this.
**I'm lonely.
I'm in desperate need of some male affection. not sex, just love and protection.
**I temped at a gaming company this past week.
Sooo mind numbingly dull. My ONLY responsibility was to answer the phones,and they only rang maybe 2 dozen times in 5 days. Although the staff more than made up for it. Besides, making some money while the time passes and looking for work is better than losing money while doing nothing.
**I've run away a million times with the "what ifs".
Over things that haven't happened yet. made myself vomit. :-( You can say, it will all work out, all you want, but what if it doesn't? Shouldn't I be preparing for that particular "what if?" I like to know where my next paycheck is coming from. The stability of routine in a 9-5 M-F job. I don't have that, I'm left alone with my thoughts, and boredom. Not a good combination.
That's all I have for you right now. I have to go cry. Again. Oh my gawd, the crying. I handle stress a different way every time. I don't believe I can control how my body reacts. This time, it's crying and vomiting. Fun times I tell ya.
I'm under a tremendous amount of stress these days. My face broke out two weeks ago and still hasn't healed. I have a derm apt this coming Tuesday to confirm I'm done. Maybe one more month, but gawd I hope not. A proper update on the Accutane will follow soon.
**My face broke out.
Was it all for nothing? Or simply stress related?
**I can't find full time work that pays enough to pay my rent and bills WITHOUT a roommate.
**The roommate and I are not getting along at all.
He took a low blow tonight. I called him out on it, via text (don't judge us, it's easier this way). We're getting into the thick of things and he's decided that we no longer need to speak to each other, ever. He'll pay his rent and stay in his room.
Okay, so not cool. I need us to be getting along and being civil with each other if you're living here. I can't have someone living in my home that hates me, and thinks being verbally abusive is funny. Like I said, we're working on some details at the moment, but it's not looking good. We've even argued about the way I look for work. Apparently I'm a dumb-ass and should search the black hole in my head that I call a brain....I'm not allowed to be a bitch while under stress (yes I did a shitty thing to him 3 weeks ago) but he's allowed to be verbally abusive (he thinks it's funny to goat me) and hold a grudge.
I am never going to have a normal roommate situation am I? Sure all people living together have rough spots, but this went from 95% okay to -15 disgusted by my existence in a blink of an eye. At least it seems that way. As I'm writing this, he's stopped replying to messages, but keeps sending his own. Sigh.
Until these last 3 weeks, I would praise him as a roommate. But having someone hate me in my home. It's a little steeper than I think I can manage right now. Three weeks ago, we were good. We were friends. Now.... Gaawwwd. Once I'm employed again, we'll revisit how we get along. I can't be the only one making the effort to fix this.
**I'm lonely.
I'm in desperate need of some male affection. not sex, just love and protection.
**I temped at a gaming company this past week.
Sooo mind numbingly dull. My ONLY responsibility was to answer the phones,and they only rang maybe 2 dozen times in 5 days. Although the staff more than made up for it. Besides, making some money while the time passes and looking for work is better than losing money while doing nothing.
**I've run away a million times with the "what ifs".
Over things that haven't happened yet. made myself vomit. :-( You can say, it will all work out, all you want, but what if it doesn't? Shouldn't I be preparing for that particular "what if?" I like to know where my next paycheck is coming from. The stability of routine in a 9-5 M-F job. I don't have that, I'm left alone with my thoughts, and boredom. Not a good combination.
That's all I have for you right now. I have to go cry. Again. Oh my gawd, the crying. I handle stress a different way every time. I don't believe I can control how my body reacts. This time, it's crying and vomiting. Fun times I tell ya.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Temping
I'm temping this week at a gaming company in the lower mainland. I didn't think it was actually possible to do less than my last job. Seriously.
The pay is good, and hours suck and to sit there and stare at my computer screen and email people IF the phone decides to ring, is mind numbingly dull. However, the people, they're great!
It's only a week.
In other news.....
I dropped one of the employment agencies I was signed on with. I've been trying to make contact with the woman who is managing me as their client, since Jan 3rd!!
No return calls or emails. I sent off an unhappy email that I did not think they were working in my best interest etc. Her reply..... That she felt with my job skills, that I could prove to be unemployable and would probably have a difficult time finding suitable employment.
W.T.F!? Wow.
I forwarded this email to her boss, with more words expressing my disappointment with this particular agent. I've received what seemed to be a sincere letter of apology and their plan of action to handle this agent. I still dropped them. There is nothing that can reverse that kind of sour taste.
But great. It's mid Jan and I'm still unemployed. I can only lower my wage bracket so much before needing a roommate as opposed to getting ahead by having one.
I'm seriously surprised at the qualifications employers are asking for, for a dollar or two over minimum wage. Insanity I tell ya! Crazy.
Discouraged, is an understatement at this point. The what if's are becoming a reality. What if I don't find a job? What if I have to move? What if, what if, what if?
This would explain why with a week left (count 4 days left) on the Accutane, my face looks worse than we started this whole process. Needless to say, I'm making an appointment with my Derm. Maybe do another month at my own cost. :( An expense I really can't afford, but I don't want all this to be for nothing.
Let's see...what else?
The roommate and I are getting along for the moment. We're treading lightly, but at least we're talking to each other, no longer grunting defensive tones at each other.
I've been reading your blogs lately, though haven't commented on much.
What have you all been up too?
The pay is good, and hours suck and to sit there and stare at my computer screen and email people IF the phone decides to ring, is mind numbingly dull. However, the people, they're great!
It's only a week.
In other news.....
I dropped one of the employment agencies I was signed on with. I've been trying to make contact with the woman who is managing me as their client, since Jan 3rd!!
No return calls or emails. I sent off an unhappy email that I did not think they were working in my best interest etc. Her reply..... That she felt with my job skills, that I could prove to be unemployable and would probably have a difficult time finding suitable employment.
W.T.F!? Wow.
I forwarded this email to her boss, with more words expressing my disappointment with this particular agent. I've received what seemed to be a sincere letter of apology and their plan of action to handle this agent. I still dropped them. There is nothing that can reverse that kind of sour taste.
But great. It's mid Jan and I'm still unemployed. I can only lower my wage bracket so much before needing a roommate as opposed to getting ahead by having one.
I'm seriously surprised at the qualifications employers are asking for, for a dollar or two over minimum wage. Insanity I tell ya! Crazy.
Discouraged, is an understatement at this point. The what if's are becoming a reality. What if I don't find a job? What if I have to move? What if, what if, what if?
This would explain why with a week left (count 4 days left) on the Accutane, my face looks worse than we started this whole process. Needless to say, I'm making an appointment with my Derm. Maybe do another month at my own cost. :( An expense I really can't afford, but I don't want all this to be for nothing.
Let's see...what else?
The roommate and I are getting along for the moment. We're treading lightly, but at least we're talking to each other, no longer grunting defensive tones at each other.
I've been reading your blogs lately, though haven't commented on much.
What have you all been up too?
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Comments are Frozen
I can not reply to any comments at the moment.
Blogger doesn't load the page properly and freezes the page completely.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Blogger doesn't load the page properly and freezes the page completely.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Stress is a BITCH! FML
Ensue rambling....
**I'm stressed to the point of my face breaking out! A week. 8 days, before I take my last fucking Accutane pill. I put my body thru 10 months of bone pain, hair falling out, bleeding noses, dry itchy skin, and extreme fatigue. And for what? Was it all for nothing?
**Can't find a job that pays enough to pay my bills (without a roommate) and stressed to the point I'm a mega uber bitch.
**Stressed to the point that the roommate and I are barely on speaking terms. Ya I hurt his feelings last week by having a guy over, (he came home hours early) and it pissed him off. It wasn't til I ranted to a friend she mentioned he's jealous. I thought, that's sweet, and weird. Cos he has a gf. Which means nothing these days from the track record my male friends have. So what does he do? He has 2 different girls over in 3 days, flaunting the point of having them over.
The one didn't bother me, but the other; there was something about the way he primped for her arrival that got completely under my skin.
Oh, let's back up here, Single and Picky knows this, but the rest of you don't. We slept together. Yup. He has a gf and I did it anyways. Horrible I know. And until now, it's never been an issue. We've carried on like it was nothing.
The short of it is, we're both jealous. He was upset and jealous that I,(see single) had a guy over for intimate adventures, and did it to get back at me to intentionally be hurtful.
We talked about it yesterday and thought we came to an agreement of stepping back and starting from scratch. I walked away feeling good about it, that is, until I got home today and I'm at the receiving end of one word answers and grunts. Clearly still being hurt by my shitty attitude (it wasn't great) towards him cos he had someone over Monday. It was just the last small thing on the rest of my stress that completely set me off. Cried most of Monday out of sheer frustrations about everything. I tried to tell him we need to get pass this, cos I apologized once, for taking out my elevated stress levels out on him when he really didn't deserve it. Nope, still being a jerk.
Men, is being jerky a defensive mechanism to protect your feelings???
He's even gone as far as threatening (or stating fact)to move out twice in the last 24 hours. Which really made me smirk:
1) HE gave me a deadline of when *I* needed to have a job by, or he'd move out.
2) If talking about why he's mad at me, and trying to find a compromise is going to be an ongoing issue, he has no problem moving out.
3) In a very defensive tone, advised me we would never be sleeping together, ever, ever again!!! I just stood there and nonchalantly said "That sucks, but okay. It is what it is. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind". What else was I suppose to say?
1) It's my fucking apt, I'm a big girl. I know how long I can make my severance last. He shouldn't be concerning himself with that. If I think I'm going to have an issue, I'll let him know and he can make other arrangements. Not the other way around.
2) If living together and not speaking is acceptable to him, I can live with that. I didn't NEED him to live here. Ya it surely helps right now, but I managed for 9 years prior to him being here.
If he needs an out, then just take one. Don't pick a fight with me to warrant a reason to do so. So, I'll be giving him all the space he needs. And yes, it does hurts that our rapport isn't going to grow into a closer friendship. I need to be liked. Mostly for the fact we share a small space. But I'll be damned if I'll have a roommate dictate to me a deadline to find employment. Had he said it differently, I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as defensive as I am right now. It is his personality to have conflict with women. He did warn me ahead of time that he was difficult to live with. And I ignored it, cos until now, he's been easy peasy to live with.
3) Ok. It is what it is. And really it is. He's got a ridiculously delicious body, but that's it. When the Douche and I broke up forever ago now, I had settled to the conclusion that my sex life was never going to be great again. So far, true. The only part about not sleeping together anymore, was, I was getting that fix of feeling wanted and desirable for those moments. Just enough to keep me sane and not going bat shit crazy. And that part sucks and will be missed.
I'm sure we'll smooth things over in time, a long time, cos man can he hold a grudge. I thought I was bad. We're both jealous of each other's love lives and shouldn't be one bit. We're fucked up.
All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I've had more stress cries in the past two weeks than I know what to really do with. I've never been unemployed more than a couple days at the longest. The fact I'm officially on Day 11 of being so, kills me, I'm bored, adding the stress of mutual jealously, and stress about my face... *sniff* *tear*.
FML. I'm hurt. I'm fragile, scared and unliked by the person living in my house.
**I'm stressed to the point of my face breaking out! A week. 8 days, before I take my last fucking Accutane pill. I put my body thru 10 months of bone pain, hair falling out, bleeding noses, dry itchy skin, and extreme fatigue. And for what? Was it all for nothing?
**Can't find a job that pays enough to pay my bills (without a roommate) and stressed to the point I'm a mega uber bitch.
**Stressed to the point that the roommate and I are barely on speaking terms. Ya I hurt his feelings last week by having a guy over, (he came home hours early) and it pissed him off. It wasn't til I ranted to a friend she mentioned he's jealous. I thought, that's sweet, and weird. Cos he has a gf. Which means nothing these days from the track record my male friends have. So what does he do? He has 2 different girls over in 3 days, flaunting the point of having them over.
The one didn't bother me, but the other; there was something about the way he primped for her arrival that got completely under my skin.
Oh, let's back up here, Single and Picky knows this, but the rest of you don't. We slept together. Yup. He has a gf and I did it anyways. Horrible I know. And until now, it's never been an issue. We've carried on like it was nothing.
The short of it is, we're both jealous. He was upset and jealous that I,(see single) had a guy over for intimate adventures, and did it to get back at me to intentionally be hurtful.
We talked about it yesterday and thought we came to an agreement of stepping back and starting from scratch. I walked away feeling good about it, that is, until I got home today and I'm at the receiving end of one word answers and grunts. Clearly still being hurt by my shitty attitude (it wasn't great) towards him cos he had someone over Monday. It was just the last small thing on the rest of my stress that completely set me off. Cried most of Monday out of sheer frustrations about everything. I tried to tell him we need to get pass this, cos I apologized once, for taking out my elevated stress levels out on him when he really didn't deserve it. Nope, still being a jerk.
Men, is being jerky a defensive mechanism to protect your feelings???
He's even gone as far as threatening (or stating fact)to move out twice in the last 24 hours. Which really made me smirk:
1) HE gave me a deadline of when *I* needed to have a job by, or he'd move out.
2) If talking about why he's mad at me, and trying to find a compromise is going to be an ongoing issue, he has no problem moving out.
3) In a very defensive tone, advised me we would never be sleeping together, ever, ever again!!! I just stood there and nonchalantly said "That sucks, but okay. It is what it is. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind". What else was I suppose to say?
1) It's my fucking apt, I'm a big girl. I know how long I can make my severance last. He shouldn't be concerning himself with that. If I think I'm going to have an issue, I'll let him know and he can make other arrangements. Not the other way around.
2) If living together and not speaking is acceptable to him, I can live with that. I didn't NEED him to live here. Ya it surely helps right now, but I managed for 9 years prior to him being here.
If he needs an out, then just take one. Don't pick a fight with me to warrant a reason to do so. So, I'll be giving him all the space he needs. And yes, it does hurts that our rapport isn't going to grow into a closer friendship. I need to be liked. Mostly for the fact we share a small space. But I'll be damned if I'll have a roommate dictate to me a deadline to find employment. Had he said it differently, I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as defensive as I am right now. It is his personality to have conflict with women. He did warn me ahead of time that he was difficult to live with. And I ignored it, cos until now, he's been easy peasy to live with.
3) Ok. It is what it is. And really it is. He's got a ridiculously delicious body, but that's it. When the Douche and I broke up forever ago now, I had settled to the conclusion that my sex life was never going to be great again. So far, true. The only part about not sleeping together anymore, was, I was getting that fix of feeling wanted and desirable for those moments. Just enough to keep me sane and not going bat shit crazy. And that part sucks and will be missed.
I'm sure we'll smooth things over in time, a long time, cos man can he hold a grudge. I thought I was bad. We're both jealous of each other's love lives and shouldn't be one bit. We're fucked up.
All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I've had more stress cries in the past two weeks than I know what to really do with. I've never been unemployed more than a couple days at the longest. The fact I'm officially on Day 11 of being so, kills me, I'm bored, adding the stress of mutual jealously, and stress about my face... *sniff* *tear*.
FML. I'm hurt. I'm fragile, scared and unliked by the person living in my house.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Being Honest...
....with myself.
Admitting my emotional weaknesses. My needs, wants, trust issues and insecurities.
I haven't been doing so with myself as much as I should in the past years.
I've always sucked it up and faked it, til you make it. In the last week in a few conversations, it's come up and I've willingly admitted to being the following things:
Jealous: I'm occasionally jealous of my friends success, in a good way. However, I've been told a few times in the last year I've shown mildly jealously traits towards about men. Sadly, it's true. I've never been a jealous person, I've never seen the point. Though now I recognize it, and simply admit it when it's taking place. I'm no where near the crazy physco's, though I get the twitch and tingle of envy, sadness and wanting what someone else has. The roommate has called me out on it one, and I openly agreed I was. It was easier than disagreeing and being teased about it later.
Emotionally Insecurities: Okay, what women doesn't have them? I use to think they make me weak. Though now just admitting to it and owning it, it doesn't bother me as much, and I care much much less what others think about it.
Openly Affectionate: I've never been one for sappy, sloppy public displays of affection. Not in the sickening cuteness pet names way; I like the inside jokes, they way a spouse strongly gentle puts his hand on your lower back when passing by you in the kitchen or out and about. The most simple forms of affection are so much better than big gestures. Laying about in the house or in bed and have an arm rested on you, or leaning against each other. Pecks on the cheek just because and holding hands! I love holding hands! There is something so simple, romantic, and intimate about it.
Needs: I need a lot of things. I need the people in my life to like me. I need to be liked in general. I need the occasional reassurance that I'm loved, wanted, desired by friends and spouses. I need mutual two-way street relationships. I've spent so much time being miserable about siblings, friends and spouses not returning the effort I make. I know what it takes to make relationships work. It's infuriating when it's not returned, or even acknowledged, or simply blown to the wayside like it didn't matter. That hurts.
Wants: I want the relationships I have to be mutual. Understood. Loving. Honest. Granted I know there are hiccups in every level, every type of relationships. I want to be wanted. I want men to be honest and stop the bullshit games they play. Same with my friends. I want them to step up and be friends, not just passing acquaintances who take and give nothing back.
Trust Issues: I have them. In recent years, men haven't exactly given me a reason to take them, or anyone for that matter, at their word. I've become overly cynical as a result. Making me look jaded, jilted and bitter. And I am. I don't want to be. The only difference is now, when my gut tells me something isn't on the up and up, I'm going to trust that instinct and walk away. Rather than ignoring it forcing myself to make excuses for people and really try to see the good in them. If it's not there, it's not there. I won't dig for it or force it, or even try to have enough trust for both of us. It has to be mutual.
Maybe turning 40 this year I've completely stepped into my own and really know myself better than I have in the past. Or at least admitted to what I've always know but somehow saw as a weakness before.
So there you have it. A small part of my onion I've peeled back for you to see. For everyone to see. It's who I am, so why hide it?
Admitting my emotional weaknesses. My needs, wants, trust issues and insecurities.
I haven't been doing so with myself as much as I should in the past years.
I've always sucked it up and faked it, til you make it. In the last week in a few conversations, it's come up and I've willingly admitted to being the following things:
Jealous: I'm occasionally jealous of my friends success, in a good way. However, I've been told a few times in the last year I've shown mildly jealously traits towards about men. Sadly, it's true. I've never been a jealous person, I've never seen the point. Though now I recognize it, and simply admit it when it's taking place. I'm no where near the crazy physco's, though I get the twitch and tingle of envy, sadness and wanting what someone else has. The roommate has called me out on it one, and I openly agreed I was. It was easier than disagreeing and being teased about it later.
Emotionally Insecurities: Okay, what women doesn't have them? I use to think they make me weak. Though now just admitting to it and owning it, it doesn't bother me as much, and I care much much less what others think about it.
Openly Affectionate: I've never been one for sappy, sloppy public displays of affection. Not in the sickening cuteness pet names way; I like the inside jokes, they way a spouse strongly gentle puts his hand on your lower back when passing by you in the kitchen or out and about. The most simple forms of affection are so much better than big gestures. Laying about in the house or in bed and have an arm rested on you, or leaning against each other. Pecks on the cheek just because and holding hands! I love holding hands! There is something so simple, romantic, and intimate about it.
Needs: I need a lot of things. I need the people in my life to like me. I need to be liked in general. I need the occasional reassurance that I'm loved, wanted, desired by friends and spouses. I need mutual two-way street relationships. I've spent so much time being miserable about siblings, friends and spouses not returning the effort I make. I know what it takes to make relationships work. It's infuriating when it's not returned, or even acknowledged, or simply blown to the wayside like it didn't matter. That hurts.
Wants: I want the relationships I have to be mutual. Understood. Loving. Honest. Granted I know there are hiccups in every level, every type of relationships. I want to be wanted. I want men to be honest and stop the bullshit games they play. Same with my friends. I want them to step up and be friends, not just passing acquaintances who take and give nothing back.
Trust Issues: I have them. In recent years, men haven't exactly given me a reason to take them, or anyone for that matter, at their word. I've become overly cynical as a result. Making me look jaded, jilted and bitter. And I am. I don't want to be. The only difference is now, when my gut tells me something isn't on the up and up, I'm going to trust that instinct and walk away. Rather than ignoring it forcing myself to make excuses for people and really try to see the good in them. If it's not there, it's not there. I won't dig for it or force it, or even try to have enough trust for both of us. It has to be mutual.
Maybe turning 40 this year I've completely stepped into my own and really know myself better than I have in the past. Or at least admitted to what I've always know but somehow saw as a weakness before.
So there you have it. A small part of my onion I've peeled back for you to see. For everyone to see. It's who I am, so why hide it?
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Good Read!
I swear to gawd this was written for me, about me, too me.
Seriously, these were some things I talked to myself about improving on for 2012.
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.
Enjoy.
Seriously, these were some things I talked to myself about improving on for 2012.
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.
Enjoy.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Happy 2012!
After last night's complete melt down. I feel so much better and lighter!
I feel goooood. I purged the house of all things that do not need to be held onto.
The front hall closet is now the main house pantry, and the kitchen cupboards, well, we have a shitload of room for other things now.
Gathered all old pictures (without negatives) and other negatives for the safety deposit box. Until I find someone kind enough to let me use their colour scanner for a full day, they have to stay safe. I have my parents, my siblings, and my own report cards, badges and certificates from all sorts of things from my parents and siblings youth. Even have a couple hospital wrist bands from when they were born.
I'll pass these items onto them at some point. I tried to a year or two after my parents passed and the siblings weren't interested in having a part of their past. Now, it's a different story. More than a decade has passed and now, they're wishing they had that kind of stuff. Forgetting I have been keeping it safe.
It's times like these that my siblings take pride in the fact I'm extremely sentimental and sensitive, rather than teasing me for it. Your history is important, and how many people have a load of it sitting in one spot, and not spread out throughout the family, not really knowing where it is or how to find it.
I opened an ancestry.ca account two years ago. Made a family tree, than quickly grew into a huge tree. Gave the link to all the cousins and asked them update their portions etc. Although a slow time consuming procedure; how cool would it be to be able to post report cards, pictures, and other documents on that account for the future of our ancestors to find one day. Seriously, I have enough documents to make a friggin commercial out of it. Although it will mean having to pay for the account. I'm currently using the free portion. But what's a few dollars a year to maintain your history for others to find? Priceless.
Also moved some items to storage. Since without a car, I'm not going to have an spontaneous moments of grab all my camping gear and skip over to the Island for the weekend on a whim. No point keeping that stuff in the apt anymore. Our storage room is only open 9-5M-F. The old building manager was notorious for never unlocking it, leaving people angry that they couldn't access their stuff. That's not the case anymore, sooooo I don't need to store it my apt.
Next step, will be to revamp the actual storage unit itself. I'm holding onto boxes of sentimental things. Things in hind insight are not really all that sentimental anymore:
-Every single birthday, Xmas or just because card, and letters I've ever received from family and friends.
-Every single letter and note LC and I wrote to each other when we were kids and adults, until computers became a standard appliance in households. These actually take up several shoe boxes inside a 2 huge moving box. That's space I could use for something else more useful.
-A box of childhood stuff animals. Yes I'm never actually going to put these on display. But they have memories. I think it's time to let them go. I keep one in my closet that has the most value to me.
- Old old old camping stuff. That shit can be thrown out and updated later on.
Baby steps in purging my past. Huge emotional growth. :-)
I feel goooood. I purged the house of all things that do not need to be held onto.
The front hall closet is now the main house pantry, and the kitchen cupboards, well, we have a shitload of room for other things now.
Gathered all old pictures (without negatives) and other negatives for the safety deposit box. Until I find someone kind enough to let me use their colour scanner for a full day, they have to stay safe. I have my parents, my siblings, and my own report cards, badges and certificates from all sorts of things from my parents and siblings youth. Even have a couple hospital wrist bands from when they were born.
I'll pass these items onto them at some point. I tried to a year or two after my parents passed and the siblings weren't interested in having a part of their past. Now, it's a different story. More than a decade has passed and now, they're wishing they had that kind of stuff. Forgetting I have been keeping it safe.
It's times like these that my siblings take pride in the fact I'm extremely sentimental and sensitive, rather than teasing me for it. Your history is important, and how many people have a load of it sitting in one spot, and not spread out throughout the family, not really knowing where it is or how to find it.
I opened an ancestry.ca account two years ago. Made a family tree, than quickly grew into a huge tree. Gave the link to all the cousins and asked them update their portions etc. Although a slow time consuming procedure; how cool would it be to be able to post report cards, pictures, and other documents on that account for the future of our ancestors to find one day. Seriously, I have enough documents to make a friggin commercial out of it. Although it will mean having to pay for the account. I'm currently using the free portion. But what's a few dollars a year to maintain your history for others to find? Priceless.
Also moved some items to storage. Since without a car, I'm not going to have an spontaneous moments of grab all my camping gear and skip over to the Island for the weekend on a whim. No point keeping that stuff in the apt anymore. Our storage room is only open 9-5M-F. The old building manager was notorious for never unlocking it, leaving people angry that they couldn't access their stuff. That's not the case anymore, sooooo I don't need to store it my apt.
Next step, will be to revamp the actual storage unit itself. I'm holding onto boxes of sentimental things. Things in hind insight are not really all that sentimental anymore:
-Every single birthday, Xmas or just because card, and letters I've ever received from family and friends.
-Every single letter and note LC and I wrote to each other when we were kids and adults, until computers became a standard appliance in households. These actually take up several shoe boxes inside a 2 huge moving box. That's space I could use for something else more useful.
-A box of childhood stuff animals. Yes I'm never actually going to put these on display. But they have memories. I think it's time to let them go. I keep one in my closet that has the most value to me.
- Old old old camping stuff. That shit can be thrown out and updated later on.
Baby steps in purging my past. Huge emotional growth. :-)
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