Loving without fear. It's a statement I read on a blog here in blog-sphere-land.
It's always stuck with me. Not completely understanding what it meant, or how to do it.
I thought I'd figured it out a few times, but alas, it was just forced, from behind a jilted wall of guarding ones heart. Mine.
Back in late October, what I thought to be true for the last 14 years with an on/off again relationship with the Douche, had been royally rocked to the core. Shattered actually. With that, it made me question everything I ever thought to be true. Ever. With anyone. Ever.
I had come to the conclusion I could no longer trust men. Not a surprise, that's always been an issue for me. Although, this was much, much, much deeper. To the point of not being able to trust myself. My own instincts. My own inside voice. My own heart.
Haven't sat back and tried to reflect on it. Just been content in that I have no bullshit radar, no intuition, no voice in my head, or gut that raises the red flags that keep most of safe from harm. It wasn't even defected. It just cease to exist.
Early November, kind of numb from all I'd recently learned. I met someone. A man from day one, I knew there was something so special about him. I wanted to be with him. It's 4 months later, and it hasn't been a smooth go of things. Most of that is all me. Some things are him, but there are minor in the grand scheme of things.
4 months in, I've had enough. Not in a hissy fit throwing kind of way. I decided to man-up, and be direct. Honest. Vulnerable. Instead of asking him where we stand, I approached him from the angle of just telling him how I felt about him. How I have been feeling, and what I'd like to see develop between us. Said without accusing, demanding, or fear. I prepared for a negative response, and made sure I was okay with whatever the outcome was going to be. I had to be okay with it.
I had decided I couldn't move forward in this relationship anymore without knowing we want the same things. In the past, I would normally would have just given more affection, in hoping it would change the results, and get the guy to like me more in return. Not this time. I wasn't putting in more to get nothing in return.
I loved (well smitten) without fear. Put it right out there.
He responded kindly. Although it wasn't what I wanted to hear, he didn't tell me things just to keep me happy. We want the same things. But we're both coming from jilted places, and with that, it could lead to being unhealthy. We're slowing things down. Taking the pressure off of having to figure it all out right now.
"Right now". Too vague. Normally I would assume that meant it was being left open for a possibility later for things to develop deeper. This time I asked directly what that meant. Leaving no room for assumptions, or error. I wasn't even scared in what he had to say on the matter. I had to know for my own sake. He gave me his reasons, although I thought there were weak, I decided to trust him in his word.
If that results with me ending up hurt. Okay. At least I tackled it from a healthier mind set. I figured it out. How to love without fear. Well attempting too.
Baby Steps.
