The Monsters Den

She went back.

I got the email an hour ago from LC (old house guest).
"things are okay. I'm moving back into the house this weekend.  Separate floors etc"

I broke down. I didn't know what else to do.  She's moving from the women's shelter she's been in for the last week or so, and into the house with the monster who has
1- closed fist punched her, bouncing her off a wall, and dislocating her jaw the first time. 2 - less than 3 weeks later, I received an email that it happened again and she's in a shelter. 

Someone please tell me why in the name of God (yes God) would she go back?
I'm surprised the shelter didn't call the ministry and have the kids placed into foster care. Sure its unfortunate they would be separated etc, but it would be the first step of breaking the cycle. She can tell the kids all she wants that "this is not how you let someone treat you" etc.. sadly, until she starts to lead by example, her girls I have no doubt will be smacked around by boyfriends in their coming years.

I'm sadly preparing myself for a future, for a life without my best friend of 24 years... Yes we have our issues, but they're back burner right now. 

It saddens me with great regret that the next time this happens, she won't get up off the ground. It will end her life.  If she's still alive by our 40th/41st birthdays, I'll be seriously surprised and will buy a lottery ticket. Morbid? Maybe. Though it will be a miracle if she survives another 2 years on this planet living in the same house as this monster.

It's hard to sit by knowing there is nothing I can do but to wait for that call. The call learning her life is over. The abuse is over. Then what? Does he move onto the kids? I even doubt he would ever physically harm them, and a despise the man. The damage he's done to them via their mum will be a lifetime of therapy already. 

All I can say is that having Ativan on hand today was a blessing.
Anyone know how much Ativan you have to take before you get a good high on?
I've told to take .5mg -1.5mg, up to three times a day as needed.  I've only taken 1mg.

Offically Exhausted.

It's been an exhausting 48 hours since learning about LC's latest event.
I'm tired. I've read more government websites about domestic abuse than I ever thought possible.

In a very short amount of time, I've learned a lot. I've done what I can. I can not do any more. LC has been sent the information I found. The rest is up to her. I put the ducks in a row for her. I'll be here as long as she needs me to lean on. After that, we'll see where we stand.  The motto about leaving an abusive relationship is: It's a process, not an event. There are even steps to follow in how to leave a relationship safely. Which actually makes sense as this does take more time depending on each individual situation.

I want to thank all of you who messaged me on the comments or sent me private messages at justsaying1 (at) that hot mail dot CA place or chatted in person.  It all helped. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

I noticed was how many mentioned at some point what an "amazing" friend I am. I, personally do not think so. I'm not doing anything over and above that I'd wouldn't do for anyone else who needed my help. I find it a little uncomfortable and undeserving.

I have a tone of stuff running around in my head, some to do with LC and the rest is just my stuff, none of which is a coherent thought at the moment. My head hurts with all of it just running amuck. Haven't had to think about so much in a short time frame, no wonder I have a headache from hell.  lol

Okay I'm rambling. I'm going to sign off and hopefully the next few posts will not be pertaining to LC. I will keep you informed with short updates, not novels of any changes that occur.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart to all those for coming forward and sharing your experiences, personal or not.

Nighty night. xo

Abusive Information links & Phone Numbers.

overcoming abuse and leaving is a link I found from the Province LC lives in.
I'm putting together some links for her to read. This link I've provided you reads like a text book of her current situation.

I've got the name and phone number of 3 local shelters in her area. I'll be calling them tonight.

I've forwarded all this to her and asked her to read it when jerk face isn't home. And to safe the infor in several places in case he gets access to her email or facebook.  I've forwarded it to her sister too. In case she chooses not to contact me.

As soon as I learn where she works, I'll be informing her employer too. Thinking hard on this one, cos although as her boss he/she has a responsibility to protect their staff... or you'd think so... it's a very small town and gossip travels quickly and although this person might be her boss, this person also be friends with her ex.  Once I learn more about her position at work and who she's close too etc, I'll track that person down and send them some infor.

I don't want to stir the pot more or poke the bear, I just want her to be safe and know there are people willing to help. Even if she is feeling helpless and defeated.

Input... GO.

Old House Guest - Abuse.

November 09 my best friend finally decided to leave a 13 yr long abusive relationship. We made plans for her to move in with me and move forward. Knowing things wouldn't be all smooth, cos well, she was leaving her kids behind.

We had a bunch of issues after a few months with her taking advantage of our arrangements. From her being unemployed and her unemployed b/f being here more often than not. In short I felt she was taking a break from life, adulthood and her responsibilities in life.

You can read about the about it here:
friendship obligations 
oxymoron
dysfunctional

A few days ago, while sitting at work I wrote shut up brain or I'll poke you with a Q-tip as it mentions, I had an overwhelming feeling she wasn't okay and I emailed her.
She wasn't okay. She even mentioned it was funny how I knew when to check on her etc. 

Whilst I've always known we would be friends again one day, THIS is not the circumstances it should begin with.  I had a horrible sleep last night. Not completely unusual when someone close to me isn't well.  I never know it at the time, til it's pieced together soon after waking. Today was one of those days.

LC emailed me this morning with this....

Hi there...remember how you used to say that one day he's going to hurt me and I would always say "nah"? Well you were right. Dislocated jaw last night at 4 in the morning and a few bumps and bruises minor concussion. Fun. I AM all right. I will continue to be all right. I just thought you should know. Another I told you so moment. haha

Let me be perfectly clear here, the "haha" she writes are not the funny haha type, she isn't making light of this, just trying to be strong, knowing I will call her out on it. Until now, she never in a million years thought he'd lay a hand on her. Sure he shoved her, locked her in bathrooms etc even managed to push her down some stairs once, but the way he did it, you couldn't argue she "might" have tripped... the kicker, he stood there and laughed at her in a sinister way.  Right there. That was the moment I knew he was capable of so.much.more.

I called her. We talked for over an hour. Whatever shit we have going on right now is so back seat. We have much bigger fish to fry.

While at the hospital, she lied to the doctors that she slipped.  She couldn't tell them her ex, who she still shares a house with, provoke her to slap him and he close fist punched her, laid her out in return... cos well the kids would be taken out of the house,(who were home btw sleeping, only one claims to have heard it all) and she wouldn't be let back there, as "she started it".  Even though it was a very callus calculated move on his part.

I'm ok..just sore, tired, and mad as hell. It's ok though, I'll be alright. I'm going to see some people Monday about low-income housing and move out. We actually had been getting along pretty good for the last year but I guess people never really change and aren't I the stupid one?  I won't press charges, told the people at the hospital I slipped cause I don't wanna get the kids involved. I can handle this.. not sure how, but I will. 

Understandably she is devastated. Now sure how she will handle it. 

What started it you ask? She found an email (probably snooping - not the point) he wrote just the week before about how much disdain he has for her. All these years I've suggested he actually hated her. Hated women in general. Now it's been confirmed.

We talked a lot.

Actually she talked, I listened. Without sharing more than I already have, I can say I'm very proud of her. She's discovered a lot. Learned a lot. She even mentioned she's enquiring about seeing a shrink. I've strongly suggested for years that it would be a good thing to have professional, unbias help. And that medication wasn't out of the question.  Not that she really needs it, but it has been suggested before. She agreed.

Monday is the earliest she can call about moving into a local women's shelter for single mum's. She has to have a place to live before the kids visit her. Otherwise she would have already just move out etc...

When she was too exhausted to talk anymore, more so cos her jaw really hurt. Realizing she might end up with a very obvious bruise and won't be able to hide the fact that the abusive relationship they'd been having (emotional, financial, verbal) is now a physical one. I think she's more upset with herself for ever letting it get this far and the fact that all of her friends have been right, all this time.

She'd like to think this will not happen again. I am positive it will.  Now that he's got a taste for it and she didn't press charges? What's to stop him?

Should he lay another hand on her:

1) he will not survived another 24 hours on this planet alive. (that's my first reaction)

2) I'll call the ministry myself and have the kids removed from the house. I'll deal with the consquences of that later.

I told her that I would 100% do this, and the simple fact she didn't argue it, even as exhausted and battered as she was, means she agrees with my decision.

Maybe this is one of those things her friends have to do for her, cos even as strong, stuborn, and stupid as she can be, this is one thing she isn't strong enough to do on her own?

For all the years I've known her and dealt with his bullshit, this is the first time I'm genuinely afraid for her life. Really afraid. There's a very tangible chance that next time the hit will be too hard and she won't get up to fight back.

I do not know how much she is capable of taking. Kids or not, the first time a man ever thought about putting his hands on me, I would leave.

It's infuriating why she wont.

Granted, she grew up in foster care from age 12-18 and knows the system better than anyone. Her reasons for being in the system were not from an abusive home, she was too rowdy, though now has a great relationship with her Dad. I can understand that she doesn't want the kids having the life she did, but can this be any better?

Should he hit her again, does anyone know if I can press charges against him? 1) I'm not there 2) it's happening in the neighbouring province.

I'm exhausted. I want to help. I'll call the ministry on Monday and enquire what I can do. I'll speak with my aunt first as she works for them and could inform me of a bit of information, what to expect etc. Cos should they ask me for personal contact infor, I want to be sure of the consequences I'll be starting as a result.

Thanks for letting me vent. 
Not sure how long I'll keep this posting up.

Hug your love ones tonight.
Don't take for granted how easy our lives our compared to another's.
xo