I have two months and a week left on the accutane. We've given the cycle an end date. More so cos I will no longer have extended medical come Dec 31st at midnight. (company wide lay off- generous severance package though)
Thought I'd update what it's been like to be on the Tane for 8 of the 10 months so far.
Starting age 38, turned 39 in June 2011.
Female. 5'2".
Meds - Synthyroid. Daily dose 125mcg for hypothyroidism.
Advil only when absolutely needed.
February 2011
- Get all mandatory blood work (cholesterol, liver function, negative pregnancy test) so we know where my levels are at and how to gauge how much medication to receive.
- Learn there will be no sex (chose not to take a secondary birth control) or alcohol for the next 6 months.
- Can not donate blood during or for 6 months afterwards.
- Can not wax during or for 6 months afterwards.
- Learn of all possible and common side effects.
- Buy all moisturizing arsenals.
March 2011
- Blood work is good. It's a go.
- Starting dose 40mg.
- Day 3, inner nose is ridiculously dry, slight bleeding.
- You learn immediately why the doctor says to PAT your skin, DO NOT RUB!
OW HOLY F$%#
- Day 10, increasingly tired, and thirsty.
- Blood work.
April 2011
- Dose 80mg
- Daily sunscreen. Experiment with different kinds til you find one you're happy wearing every.single.day. No joke. Every day.
- Nose bleeds on a regular basis.
- Lips are so dry they feel cakey.
- Vaseline, my finger and inner nose are very intimate now.
- Baby Oil and dry skin are best friends now.
Apply after the shower for best non greasy results. Trust me.
- Day 39 extreme fatigue sets in and a little depression (pre existing)
- Slightly annoyed, all the time. Apparently this will pass.
- Blood work.
May 2011
- Dose 80mg
- Daily sunscreen. Staying out of the sun for the summer months.
- Heavy aches and pains. Like you're coming down with the flu, but never get sick.
- Nose bleeds regularly.
- Minor headaches, bouts of sleepiness, sleeplessness, and lost of appetite.
- Had my nose cauterized. It helped.
- Started drinking Becks non alcoholic beer.
It's summer, need something to take the edge off.
- Acne starts to dry out and flake away. (this does pass- don't pick, skin is fragile)
- Hair so dry only washing it once a week with shampoo. Conditioning frequently.
- Blood work.
June 2011
- Learned my cholesterol spiked in May from 2.3 to 5.2 and liver function went down.
- Dose lowered back to 40 mg.
- Daily Sunscreen.
- Scalp is itchy and hurts to scratch.
- Adapting to the aches and pains.
- Gained some unexpected weight.
- Arms feel like they are about to snap off at the shoulders. Learning that once you get use to the aches and pains in one area....it moves. In a constant state of mild annoyance and in pain.
- Quit yoga. It hurts too much and recovery is extra long due to the drug.
- Start taking calcium, and omega 3 oil.
- Blood work.
July/August/September 2011
- Dose 40 mg.
- Cholesterol down to 4.2(July), then 3.8(August), and now 3.2(September).
- Daily sunscreen.
- All of September was really bad for side effects.
- Bone pain is intense. Hurts to walk, and to sleep on my side.
- Noticing my hair feels thinner. Maybe it's the new hair cut.
- Bones feeling fragile.
- Ready to be off this drug. It's kicking my ass.
- The side effects one by one are minor. But as a cluster and constant. It's exhausting.
- Eyes are itchy. Not allergies. Turns out I had extremely dry eyes and plugged lid ducts. high performance eye drops from the pharmacy(non prescription) and Lid-Care wipes, hot compresses all make a huge difference. (DO NOT USE VISINE).
- Learn that accutane is actually an anti-cancer drug. Type of chemo pill. Had I known this before hand, I could have mentally prepared myself to handle the side effects differently, rather than forcing myself thru some of the pain.
- Blood work.
October 2011
- Dose 40/80mg daily switch until my blood work says otherwise.
- Daily Sunscreen, on any remotely sunny day.
- Nose doesn't bleed anymore, but I've got my finger up there so often with Vaseline, it's too lubed to become dry and bleed anymore.
- Notice slight rashes on my arms. Not unusual due to the dryness. Reversible.
- Got the flu Halloween weekend. Thought I might die.
- Coughing is a new pain in itself. Taking a bit to recover from the flu.
- Hair is noticeably thinner. No bald patches,but definitely thinner. (I normally have ridiculously thick hair).
- Blood work.
November 2011.
- Dose 40/80mg switch.
- Cholesterol down to 2.8. woot woot!!!
- Approved for the last 2 months!!! Dec and Jan 2012.
December & January 2012
-Same as November.
This is where it ends for the moment. I'll copy/paste this again when it's complete and still bitch about it in the mean time. I hadn't mentioned the hair thinning cos it's embarrassing. Plus it's not forever. It will thicken out again about 3 months after I stop taking the drug.
I wrote this post about managing the side effects. Like my Accutane survival kit. Have a read. For those of you that find this blog while on Accutane, it could definitely help. Remember, everyone manages the side effects differently, some do not feel many of them.
UPDATE: May 30th, 2012.
I took my last pill January 20th 2012.
It was only a matter of two weeks before I saw a difference in the side affects subsiding. Each week everything lessen a little more and more.
It's 4 months later and I feel more human every day. I am however having an issue with my nail beds, both hands and feet. Finding my nails to be very fragile. That wasn't an issue during the cycle. My face, has unfortunately broken out a little since I took my last pill. Although, it's significantly diminished from what it use to be. *I* could very well be one of those people you hear about who might have to do a second cycle.
Not looking forward to it. As I've described being on Accutane in my late 30's the hardest thing to do. But that is me. Someone else may not have a single side effect.
In high insight it's taught me to keep my hands off my damn face! :)
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Just Sayin
I'm sure we've all been there. At the receiving end of being treated poorly by a friend.
My standards for how I treat my friends is high. In return, I expect the same. How you treat your friends says a lot about the kind of person you are.
An obvious rule:
If you treat your friends poorly or dismiss them, you can not expect them to be there for you, or support you in a time of need.
My best friend, as you know, is going thru all sorts of shit. In past week, she has said she'd call me. Last Tuesday. We text, but it's random stuff, not the important things that she should be following up on, in regards to her current situation. Pick any of the following excuses. Tired, busy, kids, homework, etc... then in almost in the same breath tells me all about how she's spent several hours into the wee hours of the morning, chatting with men from a certain dating site. But entirely too busy and/or tired to follow up on criminal court appearances etc.
Really? I put our shit back burner, support you thru the most dangerous time in your life, and you dismiss me to talk to random men you haven't even met? Yet, expect me to continue to be there offering support?
I get when we're mentally exhausted, we need fluff to unwind etc. Then don't say you'll call on a certain day, then blow it off like it was any casual conversation.
For any of you who know me in real life, I do not take my close friendships lightly. They are dear to me. I'm fiercely loyal and protective over those I love. So needless to say, it hurts and I'm exhausted, after putting myself out there to protect you, be supportive, only to be dismissed.
This has been the pattern for many many years. It's only been in the last few years, I've decided I've had enough of it. I've told her by email (cos I can't get her on the phone) how I feel etc. I'm mad. Get the priorties in order (family first, friends second, random men last!) It makes her word unrealible if I needed her in a time of need, cos her "I'm busy, tired, working etc", can no longer be taken for what it's worth, after telling me she was too busy to talk cos it was more important to talk to random men..
I couldn't imagine trying to justify someone elses upset if I blew them off to talk to random men, when I should be sharing the outcome of a criminal and custody case, while her life is in eminent danger.
No input needed. Just venting.
My standards for how I treat my friends is high. In return, I expect the same. How you treat your friends says a lot about the kind of person you are.
An obvious rule:
If you treat your friends poorly or dismiss them, you can not expect them to be there for you, or support you in a time of need.
My best friend, as you know, is going thru all sorts of shit. In past week, she has said she'd call me. Last Tuesday. We text, but it's random stuff, not the important things that she should be following up on, in regards to her current situation. Pick any of the following excuses. Tired, busy, kids, homework, etc... then in almost in the same breath tells me all about how she's spent several hours into the wee hours of the morning, chatting with men from a certain dating site. But entirely too busy and/or tired to follow up on criminal court appearances etc.
Really? I put our shit back burner, support you thru the most dangerous time in your life, and you dismiss me to talk to random men you haven't even met? Yet, expect me to continue to be there offering support?
I get when we're mentally exhausted, we need fluff to unwind etc. Then don't say you'll call on a certain day, then blow it off like it was any casual conversation.
For any of you who know me in real life, I do not take my close friendships lightly. They are dear to me. I'm fiercely loyal and protective over those I love. So needless to say, it hurts and I'm exhausted, after putting myself out there to protect you, be supportive, only to be dismissed.
This has been the pattern for many many years. It's only been in the last few years, I've decided I've had enough of it. I've told her by email (cos I can't get her on the phone) how I feel etc. I'm mad. Get the priorties in order (family first, friends second, random men last!) It makes her word unrealible if I needed her in a time of need, cos her "I'm busy, tired, working etc", can no longer be taken for what it's worth, after telling me she was too busy to talk cos it was more important to talk to random men..
I couldn't imagine trying to justify someone elses upset if I blew them off to talk to random men, when I should be sharing the outcome of a criminal and custody case, while her life is in eminent danger.
No input needed. Just venting.
Friday, 25 May 2012
Fingers Crossed PLEASE
Ugh. Job hunting sucks donkey ass.
Did you know that Employment Agencies monopolize Monster.ca, LinkedIn, and Craigslist Jobs. Really difficult not to be communicating with one, more often now. Sigh.
I met with another agency yesterday after applying to a position at one of the above sites. Of course they went about it backwards. Asked me to come in and interview me, then advised that they couldn't discuss the position with me until I did the required testing on Prove It. A program provided by all agencies for their clients, to ensure the temps they are recommending to them meet their qualifications. Fair enough.
Instead of asking me to commute an hour into the downtown core, only to tell me they can't even discuss the position, they should have just sent me the test, then if I met their clients needs, ask me to come in for a pre-interview etc. Alas, it is what it is and you have to play their game.
I've done this test a thousand times now. Actually 5 times, for 5 other agencies.
The good thing about these tests, you get a copy of your score. Along with that the average for your province is etc. I scored 84% accurate for the Excel test, only to be told the position I applied for (via email) requires STRONG (yup in caps) excel skills. We'll have to pass on you for this position at this time.
What? Since when does 84% not qualify as strong skills? Now I wouldn't say I'm ADVANCED in excel, however my skills are strong. Of course will regular usage these skills develop. There are so many different ways they could have let me down. But no, they just sucked the last bit of hope and confidence I had.
Everyone says, "stay positive", but it isn't getting me anywhere. I'm running out of time and money. "It will be okay", they say. Well when I run out of money, it won't be okay, I'll be asking to borrow money from family. Something I haven't had to do since I first moved out on my own etc. "you can take the shitty job and look for something better", they say. I could, but the shitty job offers have to be there first!
And don't even bring up staying at the last shitty job. There is only so much one person can dumb themselves down, before it starts to cause permanent brain damage.
We've all been there. We all have a limit of what bullshit we're willing to put up with.
Enter Today.
I went for another interview. It went well. They had nice things to say etc. I left wanting to work for them. Please keep your fingers crossed. I'm running out of luck, time, and money.
Did you know that Employment Agencies monopolize Monster.ca, LinkedIn, and Craigslist Jobs. Really difficult not to be communicating with one, more often now. Sigh.
I met with another agency yesterday after applying to a position at one of the above sites. Of course they went about it backwards. Asked me to come in and interview me, then advised that they couldn't discuss the position with me until I did the required testing on Prove It. A program provided by all agencies for their clients, to ensure the temps they are recommending to them meet their qualifications. Fair enough.
Instead of asking me to commute an hour into the downtown core, only to tell me they can't even discuss the position, they should have just sent me the test, then if I met their clients needs, ask me to come in for a pre-interview etc. Alas, it is what it is and you have to play their game.
I've done this test a thousand times now. Actually 5 times, for 5 other agencies.
The good thing about these tests, you get a copy of your score. Along with that the average for your province is etc. I scored 84% accurate for the Excel test, only to be told the position I applied for (via email) requires STRONG (yup in caps) excel skills. We'll have to pass on you for this position at this time.
What? Since when does 84% not qualify as strong skills? Now I wouldn't say I'm ADVANCED in excel, however my skills are strong. Of course will regular usage these skills develop. There are so many different ways they could have let me down. But no, they just sucked the last bit of hope and confidence I had.
Everyone says, "stay positive", but it isn't getting me anywhere. I'm running out of time and money. "It will be okay", they say. Well when I run out of money, it won't be okay, I'll be asking to borrow money from family. Something I haven't had to do since I first moved out on my own etc. "you can take the shitty job and look for something better", they say. I could, but the shitty job offers have to be there first!
And don't even bring up staying at the last shitty job. There is only so much one person can dumb themselves down, before it starts to cause permanent brain damage.
We've all been there. We all have a limit of what bullshit we're willing to put up with.
Enter Today.
I went for another interview. It went well. They had nice things to say etc. I left wanting to work for them. Please keep your fingers crossed. I'm running out of luck, time, and money.
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Peri-Menopause... ugh Men beware
Ya it appears it might be happening. I've been talking to my sisters and older women in my life about their peri/menopause years. What to expect, symptoms, etc.
All the women in my family have been in peri-menopause by the time they were 40. A few had hysterectomies between 39-45 yr old. I can only imagine what this might say for my future.
A year or two ago my periods changed. I started getting cramps, so bad to the point I couldn't hold up my own body weight. And the mind numbing migraines. Neither of which I've ever suffered from before. Add on waking up in the night damp. Not sweaty at the time, although that is happening now; it's not fun.
In the past month, mostly around the time I'm ovulating, I wake up from being uncomfortable. To the point of realizing I'm sweating in all the wrong places and have to change my pj's. :( Unhappy.
I meet with my new family doctor in a few weeks. Unfortunately, the list of things that are becoming a priority to discuss, is growing. Allergy test, thyroid update, and blood work for my hormones to see where I am in this next "change" in my life.
Temporary New Monkey Job.
I'm no longer temping. For now. I've found a new full time job. It's entry level, and worse, so is the pay. Alas, it keeps me from having to use any EI. Although I've opened a claim (time sensitive) and then closed it. In case something doesn't work out, at least I can reopen the claim, rather than not opening one at all and no longer being eligible. The pay; is so bad, that BEFORE taxes, it doesn't cover my rent. Ouch. I took a 18G pay cut just to stay off EI.
This new job is closer to home. It's taking some getting use to, not having to be up at 530 and out of the house by 630. I don't have to get up until 7am!!!! I won't be there long. It's monkey work. And.... THEY USE DOS! No shit. DOS!
It was a bullshit first day, until I asked that someone else train me, other than the girl assigned to me. Not only did she train me wrong, it appears it was deliberate. Turns out she is leaving next week for a new job, and as a last F-U, she gave me the wrong infor, making my day much longer and frustrating, to the point I almost walked out, it was such bullshit. Towards the end of the day, after talking to the bigger bosses etc, I was assigned someone new to train me. A newbie. Only 2 weeks newer than I.
I'll give it another day. Actually, I'll give it until I find something better...Detour: at the end of the day, I went to say thanks to this girl etc, turns out, she's been let go, a week early. This job is seriously laughable, but it's a job, I guess.
UPDATE: May 23rd.
They showed their true colours sooner than later, so I gave my notice. Told them I received another job offer that paid considerably more, I couldn't pass it up. It was almost laughable when they said they would try and match it, but still couldn't come up enough to pay my rent, (they didn't know that) but wanted me to pass up one (although pretend job) that pays more? HA!
Sure I just shot myself in the foot. A job is a job, right? Then there is the exception. Anyone who's worked for a company that is so poorly run, and trained, does more brain damage to you then sticking it out.
Back to the grind. I've had to switch up a secondary resume as I've been told repeatedly, I'm over qualified. BULLSHIT! I'm going to find myself homeless soon. :(
I'm employable damn it.
All the women in my family have been in peri-menopause by the time they were 40. A few had hysterectomies between 39-45 yr old. I can only imagine what this might say for my future.
A year or two ago my periods changed. I started getting cramps, so bad to the point I couldn't hold up my own body weight. And the mind numbing migraines. Neither of which I've ever suffered from before. Add on waking up in the night damp. Not sweaty at the time, although that is happening now; it's not fun.
In the past month, mostly around the time I'm ovulating, I wake up from being uncomfortable. To the point of realizing I'm sweating in all the wrong places and have to change my pj's. :( Unhappy.
I meet with my new family doctor in a few weeks. Unfortunately, the list of things that are becoming a priority to discuss, is growing. Allergy test, thyroid update, and blood work for my hormones to see where I am in this next "change" in my life.
Temporary New Monkey Job.
I'm no longer temping. For now. I've found a new full time job. It's entry level, and worse, so is the pay. Alas, it keeps me from having to use any EI. Although I've opened a claim (time sensitive) and then closed it. In case something doesn't work out, at least I can reopen the claim, rather than not opening one at all and no longer being eligible. The pay; is so bad, that BEFORE taxes, it doesn't cover my rent. Ouch. I took a 18G pay cut just to stay off EI.
This new job is closer to home. It's taking some getting use to, not having to be up at 530 and out of the house by 630. I don't have to get up until 7am!!!! I won't be there long. It's monkey work. And.... THEY USE DOS! No shit. DOS!
It was a bullshit first day, until I asked that someone else train me, other than the girl assigned to me. Not only did she train me wrong, it appears it was deliberate. Turns out she is leaving next week for a new job, and as a last F-U, she gave me the wrong infor, making my day much longer and frustrating, to the point I almost walked out, it was such bullshit. Towards the end of the day, after talking to the bigger bosses etc, I was assigned someone new to train me. A newbie. Only 2 weeks newer than I.
I'll give it another day. Actually, I'll give it until I find something better...Detour: at the end of the day, I went to say thanks to this girl etc, turns out, she's been let go, a week early. This job is seriously laughable, but it's a job, I guess.
UPDATE: May 23rd.
They showed their true colours sooner than later, so I gave my notice. Told them I received another job offer that paid considerably more, I couldn't pass it up. It was almost laughable when they said they would try and match it, but still couldn't come up enough to pay my rent, (they didn't know that) but wanted me to pass up one (although pretend job) that pays more? HA!
Sure I just shot myself in the foot. A job is a job, right? Then there is the exception. Anyone who's worked for a company that is so poorly run, and trained, does more brain damage to you then sticking it out.
Back to the grind. I've had to switch up a secondary resume as I've been told repeatedly, I'm over qualified. BULLSHIT! I'm going to find myself homeless soon. :(
I'm employable damn it.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Closed That Novel.
I was watching a chick flick earlier and something clicked, and a light bulb came on extremely bright about my previous relationship.
You would think my next action would be out of haste. Surprisingly it was a very calm moment, and I threw away our past. The gifts. The secrets we shared. The laughs. The special inside jokes. Our memories.
I've let them all go. Not holding onto them.
The songs below use to be songs we'd use to tourment each other, to express love, and agnst etc. It hurt for a long time in the last couple years to hear them. Cos they expressed our relationship in it's entirety. And now... they no longer hold those same meanings to me. Now they are just songs on the radio.
I can only imagine how bitter and jaded this entry must sound. It's not.
You were that good book I just couldn't put down. Now, I've read you, cover to cover, many, many times. There isn't anything more I could have missed from reading it one more time.
I just took a big breath and let it all go.... Onto the next novel and chapters in my life.
You would think my next action would be out of haste. Surprisingly it was a very calm moment, and I threw away our past. The gifts. The secrets we shared. The laughs. The special inside jokes. Our memories.
I've let them all go. Not holding onto them.
The songs below use to be songs we'd use to tourment each other, to express love, and agnst etc. It hurt for a long time in the last couple years to hear them. Cos they expressed our relationship in it's entirety. And now... they no longer hold those same meanings to me. Now they are just songs on the radio.
I can only imagine how bitter and jaded this entry must sound. It's not.
You were that good book I just couldn't put down. Now, I've read you, cover to cover, many, many times. There isn't anything more I could have missed from reading it one more time.
I just took a big breath and let it all go.... Onto the next novel and chapters in my life.
Friday, 18 May 2012
Employment is NOT an option.
I just had one of the agencies I'm using to find employment advise me, she wouldn't apply on my behalf to a position I asked her to.
She is afraid I'm over qualified, and will end up being bored. I was furious with her and replied the following. "Fair enough, that's considerate. However, let that be my decision. It's my livelihood, not yours, and please do not act as though the choice of whether or not to be employed was an option. This position pays enough that I can pay my bills and rent. I'd appreciate it if you applied to it regardless."
That's what I look for in positions too. Can I afford to live without a roommate, in case he ever moved out. I know I sound like I have a shitty attitude, but I will not let an agent pass me over for consideration about a position cos she thinks I'll be bored. You have a job, you don't have to worry about if you can pay August's rent.
In this economy there are people with master's who are working jobs they hate to make rent. How am I any different? A job is a job, and it should be our decision if we want to tough it out.
If I keep running into these issues, I'll change up my resume to reflect that I'm not over qualified and just the perfect fit.
She is afraid I'm over qualified, and will end up being bored. I was furious with her and replied the following. "Fair enough, that's considerate. However, let that be my decision. It's my livelihood, not yours, and please do not act as though the choice of whether or not to be employed was an option. This position pays enough that I can pay my bills and rent. I'd appreciate it if you applied to it regardless."
That's what I look for in positions too. Can I afford to live without a roommate, in case he ever moved out. I know I sound like I have a shitty attitude, but I will not let an agent pass me over for consideration about a position cos she thinks I'll be bored. You have a job, you don't have to worry about if you can pay August's rent.
In this economy there are people with master's who are working jobs they hate to make rent. How am I any different? A job is a job, and it should be our decision if we want to tough it out.
If I keep running into these issues, I'll change up my resume to reflect that I'm not over qualified and just the perfect fit.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
How much character do I really need? Come on!
I have a mutual friend with The Douche. She recently blogged about their wedding and that she wouldn't be posting their photos, it wasn't her place to do so.
After running into her today, I thanked her for that, while trying not to get choked up on the spot. Cos it simply would have destroyed me. I've managed to never see them together in all the years we've been doing this on/off thing. I wasn't about to start with their wedding.
I'm still not 100% emotionally stable after our last conversation we had last week. A conversation I will never share with any of you. Not to mention all the other things in my life adding to that. It would have destroyed me, to a point of no return. In months to come, I'm sure I'll be fine to handle such pictures, but right now, not a chance. Ya I'm moving on with someone else, but that doesn't mean I can turn that light switch of feelings off. My heart isn't made of stone.
It's going to be a long year of changing jobs, cos I'm convinced I'll spend the rest of the year temping, and building character in other areas. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm entering middle-age and a mid life crisis. Don't laugh, it's like a biological clock. You can't control this shit.
More recently I've decided that I do need to start seeing someone professionally again. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I get there, and I'm only a few steps from the ledge.
Building friggin character.
After running into her today, I thanked her for that, while trying not to get choked up on the spot. Cos it simply would have destroyed me. I've managed to never see them together in all the years we've been doing this on/off thing. I wasn't about to start with their wedding.
I'm still not 100% emotionally stable after our last conversation we had last week. A conversation I will never share with any of you. Not to mention all the other things in my life adding to that. It would have destroyed me, to a point of no return. In months to come, I'm sure I'll be fine to handle such pictures, but right now, not a chance. Ya I'm moving on with someone else, but that doesn't mean I can turn that light switch of feelings off. My heart isn't made of stone.
It's going to be a long year of changing jobs, cos I'm convinced I'll spend the rest of the year temping, and building character in other areas. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm entering middle-age and a mid life crisis. Don't laugh, it's like a biological clock. You can't control this shit.
More recently I've decided that I do need to start seeing someone professionally again. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I get there, and I'm only a few steps from the ledge.
Building friggin character.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
I Surrender..... I Think. Yaaa Pretty Sure.
It's been a tough week and a half on so many levels. Now, I'm ready to throw in the towel at work. Had an epic meltdown at work. That shouldn't happen.
I like the job. I like the work. I can do the work. But not the workload, and don't even have half of it yet. Not to mention the lack of things I need to be trained on, that only another pma can do. We're (pma's = property management assistants) a limited bunch spread throughout Canada. So you now understand why they haven't been able to give me the training I need. Most of which involved my favourite program... JDE Oracle.
They are basic things, but everything is such a damn process. Even a simple deposit refund requires 2, sometimes 3 people's hands to touch it over a course of a week, and if they're busy, it takes longer etc. The longer it takes to get these things off my desk, the more backed up it gets.
My manager is great. Very supportive and reassuring as to what is expected of the position etc, and that it takes a year to learn it etc. Still, at 2.5 months in, I shouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed.
Not to mention, my days are 12 hours long, I work 8 of those, and get paid for 7. Hmmmmm.
I don't quit on things easily. My resume clearly expresses that. I've had 5 jobs (this one being the 5th) in 25 years. Ya, I can clearly tough things out. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, combined with recent drama's, not eating well cos there isn't time in the day to stop to eat, and then I'm too exhausted to do so when I get home.
Ya ya, these are all excuses and me trying to explain/justify away why/how/when to give my notice at this job. And the stress of job hunting again.
I like the job. I like the work. I can do the work. But not the workload, and don't even have half of it yet. Not to mention the lack of things I need to be trained on, that only another pma can do. We're (pma's = property management assistants) a limited bunch spread throughout Canada. So you now understand why they haven't been able to give me the training I need. Most of which involved my favourite program... JDE Oracle.
They are basic things, but everything is such a damn process. Even a simple deposit refund requires 2, sometimes 3 people's hands to touch it over a course of a week, and if they're busy, it takes longer etc. The longer it takes to get these things off my desk, the more backed up it gets.
My manager is great. Very supportive and reassuring as to what is expected of the position etc, and that it takes a year to learn it etc. Still, at 2.5 months in, I shouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed.
Not to mention, my days are 12 hours long, I work 8 of those, and get paid for 7. Hmmmmm.
I don't quit on things easily. My resume clearly expresses that. I've had 5 jobs (this one being the 5th) in 25 years. Ya, I can clearly tough things out. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, combined with recent drama's, not eating well cos there isn't time in the day to stop to eat, and then I'm too exhausted to do so when I get home.
Ya ya, these are all excuses and me trying to explain/justify away why/how/when to give my notice at this job. And the stress of job hunting again.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Well Then, Tell Me How You Really Feel
My Aunt is an uber bitch these days. Nothing provokes her belittling attacks against me, but when they surface, they're hot pokers aimed at open wounds.
We talk a few times a week, every week. Sometimes a little less depending on our schedules. Tonight, was just touching base on how our weekends went. Ya know, birthdays and Mother's Day etc. I mentioned my frustrations about a program at my job, and just having to guess at certain parts of it, while waiting for some training from another person in my position at a different location.
Not sure how the topic turned against me, but man did it. This is not the first time she's attacked me, but I've also been doing my part over the years to never let the topics of my love life and my weight come to be a topic.
So. From my mentioning of frustration at my job, she has decided, that I do not deserve my job, as I didn't go to school for it, and by gawd, she's sure there is someone out there with a university education who is more deserving of it. *blink in shock*
After telling her she's wrong, and my education has nothing to do with the current position I'm in; she informs me accountants go to school for many many years etc blah blah, and I haven't. Ummmm, okay, but I'm not an accountant, and my position isn't an accounting position. It's property management. While there is a certain amount of basic accounting you have to do, it's nothing a high schooler couldn't do.
My frustrations are with the JDE Oracle program. Yes, it's a financial program, but that's not my issue. It's finding the pathways to get to where I need to be, to execute the task at hand. If any of you know the program, you know just how huge it is. Even my manager has said, "There is only so much you can learn, there will always be something that will fall on your desk that someone else will have to teach you". Not to mention, it takes a year to learn the in's/out's of my job. I've been there 3 months.
I've taken hobby course at night school over the years. It's one way to learn what I don't want to do with my life. Another way to look at it is; by not having a university education, also means I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt for an education I'm not using in that field. We all have those friends. Friends who are in debt 10's of thousands of dollars in debt, and working where? In a book store, or waiting tables, cos that is all they could find to pay the bills.
From there, she attacked my love life. That I would never land an educated man, cos what man with a MBA would date me, not having an education of my own? Nor would an athletic man who takes care of himself would ever date me either, cos, well, I'm overweight. *more blinking in shock*. She seems to forget I was once an athlete myself. Not all men care about how fit a woman is (sure it's nice) but they want a woman who will at least try! There is more to a relationship than just looks. Sure, looks get your attention, but it won't keep it.
That has always been a sore spot for me. My love life and my weight.
I've had 3 great loves. One for 8 years. One on/off for 14 years. One very short, intense, passionate 2 years, that I learned the most from. But that means nothing in her books as I'm currently turning 40 and unmarried.
My love life had been drama that could have put the Desperate Housewives to shame! However, it has taken a turn for the better, but I can't share it with the one person I want to, for fear of ridicule and defending why this relationship works, and the last one didn't. Or to defend how this relationship came to the current terms, why now and not 20 years ago.
The last one is still a sore spot for me. The Aunt loves trying to explain to me that I didn't do enough, to be good enough for him. Hence why he chose the other girl. Sigh, really? I know why we didn't work out. But that's just an excuse in her books. I should have tried harder. In her opinion.
Maybe. I could have fought harder for him. In the end, he'd just be my expensive divorce waiting to happen, and not HRH's. Kind of feel bad for her. I do. Cos she all blissfully happy in love, married thinking she won. She didn't. I didn't. We're both losers in this. It will just take her longer to learn that.
What is even more pathetic, is that even knowing what I know, the things we said to each other, right to the last day, those last hours. I was hysterically upset over it for a bit. I couldn't stop being hurt that I wasn't enough. That I let it happen for so many years past where it should have ended. But now, I'm glad it didn't work out. I could never have trusted him.
My weight. I work at it.
I cut out the sugar, salt, high fat foods etc, and I pack on 10 more pounds! So ya, it's a tender spot to be told I'm not good enough by the one person who is suppose to be there unconditionally. She doesn't have to agree with my life, my choices, etc, but she should accept them, as they are part of me.
Today, in my Aunts books, I'm a piece of shit. She didn't say that, but she may as well have. Cos what job and man do I deserve without an education and being fat? As she do nicely put it.
It was a beat down I just did not need on a day where I feel like shit.
We talk a few times a week, every week. Sometimes a little less depending on our schedules. Tonight, was just touching base on how our weekends went. Ya know, birthdays and Mother's Day etc. I mentioned my frustrations about a program at my job, and just having to guess at certain parts of it, while waiting for some training from another person in my position at a different location.
Not sure how the topic turned against me, but man did it. This is not the first time she's attacked me, but I've also been doing my part over the years to never let the topics of my love life and my weight come to be a topic.
So. From my mentioning of frustration at my job, she has decided, that I do not deserve my job, as I didn't go to school for it, and by gawd, she's sure there is someone out there with a university education who is more deserving of it. *blink in shock*
After telling her she's wrong, and my education has nothing to do with the current position I'm in; she informs me accountants go to school for many many years etc blah blah, and I haven't. Ummmm, okay, but I'm not an accountant, and my position isn't an accounting position. It's property management. While there is a certain amount of basic accounting you have to do, it's nothing a high schooler couldn't do.
My frustrations are with the JDE Oracle program. Yes, it's a financial program, but that's not my issue. It's finding the pathways to get to where I need to be, to execute the task at hand. If any of you know the program, you know just how huge it is. Even my manager has said, "There is only so much you can learn, there will always be something that will fall on your desk that someone else will have to teach you". Not to mention, it takes a year to learn the in's/out's of my job. I've been there 3 months.
I've taken hobby course at night school over the years. It's one way to learn what I don't want to do with my life. Another way to look at it is; by not having a university education, also means I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt for an education I'm not using in that field. We all have those friends. Friends who are in debt 10's of thousands of dollars in debt, and working where? In a book store, or waiting tables, cos that is all they could find to pay the bills.
From there, she attacked my love life. That I would never land an educated man, cos what man with a MBA would date me, not having an education of my own? Nor would an athletic man who takes care of himself would ever date me either, cos, well, I'm overweight. *more blinking in shock*. She seems to forget I was once an athlete myself. Not all men care about how fit a woman is (sure it's nice) but they want a woman who will at least try! There is more to a relationship than just looks. Sure, looks get your attention, but it won't keep it.
That has always been a sore spot for me. My love life and my weight.
I've had 3 great loves. One for 8 years. One on/off for 14 years. One very short, intense, passionate 2 years, that I learned the most from. But that means nothing in her books as I'm currently turning 40 and unmarried.
My love life had been drama that could have put the Desperate Housewives to shame! However, it has taken a turn for the better, but I can't share it with the one person I want to, for fear of ridicule and defending why this relationship works, and the last one didn't. Or to defend how this relationship came to the current terms, why now and not 20 years ago.
The last one is still a sore spot for me. The Aunt loves trying to explain to me that I didn't do enough, to be good enough for him. Hence why he chose the other girl. Sigh, really? I know why we didn't work out. But that's just an excuse in her books. I should have tried harder. In her opinion.
Maybe. I could have fought harder for him. In the end, he'd just be my expensive divorce waiting to happen, and not HRH's. Kind of feel bad for her. I do. Cos she all blissfully happy in love, married thinking she won. She didn't. I didn't. We're both losers in this. It will just take her longer to learn that.
What is even more pathetic, is that even knowing what I know, the things we said to each other, right to the last day, those last hours. I was hysterically upset over it for a bit. I couldn't stop being hurt that I wasn't enough. That I let it happen for so many years past where it should have ended. But now, I'm glad it didn't work out. I could never have trusted him.
My weight. I work at it.
I cut out the sugar, salt, high fat foods etc, and I pack on 10 more pounds! So ya, it's a tender spot to be told I'm not good enough by the one person who is suppose to be there unconditionally. She doesn't have to agree with my life, my choices, etc, but she should accept them, as they are part of me.
Today, in my Aunts books, I'm a piece of shit. She didn't say that, but she may as well have. Cos what job and man do I deserve without an education and being fat? As she do nicely put it.
It was a beat down I just did not need on a day where I feel like shit.
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