It's all just busy work....

.....that is how I feel about my current position.

I'm making minor, though frequent mistakes lately. This starts to occur at any of my previous 3 jobs, when I've lost complete interest in my work. I've stopped caring. I've stopped feeling needed and relevant at all.

I started out as the a/p assistant/receptionist/personal assistant to whomever....

every year I have less to do than the year before. Now, in all honesty, my only responsibility is to answer the phone, IF it ever rings.

Sure I have a few accounts I manage, but they're not a daily occurrences, as I've established a relationship with my reps that the accounts work themselves efficiently

Granted, I should shut my mouth... I'm employed. Paid okay for doing nothing.  Don't bite the hand that feeds you etc.. You get the idea.

I don't want to become bitter. I like my boss. My benefits. The compressed work weeks all year. Most of the people I work with. It's close to home.

It's becoming harder to get out of bed. It's becoming harder to simply care. Today, I was unnecessarily rude to a few people. One guy in the warehouse said something stupid in regards to some drama that occurred in our parking lot before the office opened. I replied quietly, sighed heavily; "I really don't care, sorry."

It might be time to really give some serious consideration

to looking for work elsewhere. It saddens me to say that as my boss

is great. Even if she won't relinquish a proper work load to me, but

she's fair, understanding and consistently discreet.

If it isn't broken, don't fix it.

I might have to risk it.

That is all for now.

Gotta go...more busy work just landed on my desk.

Mental Health -Update

Thanks to Single & Picky for the private email last night, I'm moving forward on obtaining a new physiatrist sooner than later.

She mentioned of a team of shrinks near my house. After much researching, I've picked one that seems will fit my needs. There is another about 50 feet closer to home, but her theories and methods would have me describing what kind of tree I might feel like that day.  Umm ya, not interested in self discovery through drama class, I need a professional to talk to and help give me new tools to how to help myself.

That might work for some people, I'm simply not interested in new age, spirituality when it comes to my mental health. And by spiritual, I mean the really cheesy kind, evangelist, soft spoken creepy, patronizing that makes people want to run away from you or push you in front of a bus.  I was a little miffed at this one site, it was down playing the seriousness of it all.

Must call and see if she's accepting new patients. Then get a requisite from my GP.
Great thing about working a compressed work week, I'm off at noon on Fridays, (keep forgetting even though its year round) I'll be able to see them during regular hour then walk home. :) Keep your fingers crossed that I get the person I chose, and that we're a compatible fit. 

I googled my old physiatrist, and although the site said her licence expired in 2000, I'm sure it takes nothing to renew it.  She was good. Really good. Not a pill pusher. Although towards the end, we were not seeing eye to eye, and I made the decision to not see her anymore as I felt she was working against me. 

Eg: She strongly encouraged me to get a new job. I had many interviews. One in particular was at 10am. My appointment with her was at 11am.

Explaining that didn't make sense to book them so close together, as interviews rarely start on time, then I would have to commute back 30 minutes across town to make the appointment. She really didn't understand why I couldn't make it. When I didn't show, (I told her several times I wouldn't make the appointment) she told me my priories were out of order.

Ummm okay? I'm doing what she'd asked of me. I asked her defensively if she would have liked me to stop the interview for a new job we agreed I so desperately needed, to call her to advise I'm going to be late, when I knew that before the day of the interview even arrived?  We ended our doctor/patient relationship that day. 6 years ago.

As you can see, even in my mental state at the time, I will not be manipulated to thinking I'm crazy.  I was extremely disappointed with her rationalizing. She had never behaved that way in the previous years I'd been seeing her. You understand now why I'm looking for a new one.

I'm actually looking forward to having someone to talk to again. Someone completely unbias, not invovled, telling me what I want to hear. Not sure how long I'll need this assistance though. Part of me is still convinced it's just the accutane tweaking my depression etc,  that's it's not a bad as I'm making it out to be in my head.
I'll let them decide.

The nerve racking part is waiting to see if we're a fit. Anyone who's sought professional help knows the importance of this, as it plays a vital roll in your sessions and how you feel afterwards. If we're not, I'll have to find someone else. Trust me, you do not walk out of the office walking on clouds, you're usually frustrated, upset etc, having much to absorb from the session. Then you're back a week or two later with input of the last session. 

For those that don't know, a shrinks word is not gold.  You have the right to disagree with their opinions and refuse medication. They're there to give you the tools to help yourself. If the tools they're providing are not working, a good physiatrist will find new tools, a new strategy.

So thanks again to Single & Picky for getting the ball rolling.
You're the best doll! See ya next week for coffee.

UPDATE:
The woman I wanted doesn't work Fridays. :(
BUT the Tri-City Mental Health will update me with a list of physiatrist in my city.

Crackbook - Mental Health.

I deactivated my facebook account. :=)
Not sure how long I'll last, but more importantly, will anyone notice? And how long before they do?And will they say anything via the million other ways to contact a person?

Not sure I need to be on crackbook anymore. HA! Almost said that with a straight face...almost. I'm being a needy, emotional spazz these days, and until I get a family fix (see next spring) I don't see the end in sight. :=(

I have lunch with one of the bosses daughters from time to time. Whilst I don't trust her when it comes to anything work related, she has consistently been a stable ear to vent to when it comes to being a spazz and my emotional turmoil. She has this amazing ability to take all the puzzle pieces of my life and put them together so I can see them so clearly.

She's once again stepped to the plate while on our latest lunch outing. Without giving you all the details at this very moment, (they will follow at some point), I've decided that maybe I'm going to start seeing my shrink again. Actually search for a new one that works weekends and/or week day evenings.  I have a few topics issues that I need help sorting out. Nothing huge in the scheme of issues that are out there. Mostly, it's to do with finding where I stand with certain people and learning how to cope again, when to let go, when to fight for it.  I don't want to turn into a Crazy C.

With my siblings making assorted effort to stay in touch, me missing my family back east and my parents to the core, friends turmoil, feeling unappreciated, unloved, being lonely for some male affection(not sex) and life etc, it's becoming a bit too much. And at the risk of becoming too harden, bitter, uncaring, and a unhealthy cynic... I think I need to get some non bias professional counselling again. It is at this point I think I would benefit from a bottle of wine and a stress cry.

Had I not just finished my monthly gift from Mother Nature, I would chop all this up to getting it soon.  It's too frequent to ignore anymore and say maybe it's the Accutane making react to the depression part of my past. Maybe it is. Regardless, it's getting the better of me. Consuming most of my waking hours. :( Doesn't help that I've had NOTHING to do at work for over two weeks now.

BTW: I applied for a new f/t job. Boss knows about it as I advised her, so she wouldn't be caught off guard should I get short listed and they call for references.  She knows she's not going to get to keep me forever, and frankly I think she is probably surprised I've stayed as long as I have.

It's all compounding. Stress cries are not cutting it.

In the grand scheme of things, life isn't bad.
I have a job, my health, the right to vote, no boyfriend beating on me, no kids, some friends, etc... so there's that.

Weekend.

Got together with an old co-worker on Saturday to go check out a fabric store in Gastown. Turns out we ended up smack dab in the middle of the Jazz Festival.

I've never seen so many people in Gastown since the last time it was a entertainment district in the 80's.  We found ourselves in front of the free stage while a presentation was going on. Okay we really only stopped cos there were hot firemen and cops on the stage. As it turns out, it's also the Vancouver Spirit Rally paying it's respects to those who on the front lines of the riot two weeks ago. 

Looking through the photos, I see something familiar. Me and my friend in this picture.

Of course I'm not going to point out where we are, but we are clearly visible in this picture.

It was actually quite emotional being present for this rally. To be able to thank the police, firemen, E-Comm workers(911), nurses and doctors from St. Pauls Hospital, the TD Canada Bank for stepping up and giving the Spirit Rally a place to present in the final hour (the whole thing was almost cancelled). People on the stage were choked up, so were those in the crowd. Much cheering and applause for those who put themselves between businesses, civilians and the rioters.

There was so much to see, as the rally ended, we saw, we ate, we walked up to The Bay and signed the Citizen's Wall and read all the comments. A few hours later and a little exhausted from being emotionally overwhelmed, we headed down to English Bay to rest our tired feet and people watch. aka. watch half naked hot men strut their stuff.

Long story short, it was a nice 10 hours we spent downtown with no agenda, and no rush to be anywhere.  Aside from the co-worker I ran into on the street, who was blatantly rude to us.  All we said was "hi" to her, and she looked at us like we had 10 heads. Simple mutual acknowledgement for the hello was all that was required. Don't say she didn't recognize me, she was at my friggin birthday lunch.

In other news, I went through my cell over the weekend and started deleting phone numbers of people I have never heard from first, or ever.  Really what is the point of having their number or contact infor if they never use it. I go through this cleaning junk phase more often it seems. I'm simply tired of being the person who makes first contact all the time. These people are not my friends. Friends hang out and do shit together. These are acquaintances.

Once it dwindled down, I was left with a dozen friends. Not bad really. These would be the people you can really count on. Ask for nothing in return and call just because, without wanting anything. A dozen is nothing to be cough at.

I put everyone into categories on my cell. Acquaintances who are in semi regular contact, friends, business friends. The rest got deleted. There is no point having all those people around if they only weight you down, rather than lift you up.

At first I felt bad, like I owed them an explanation of what was about to take place. Then realized, why? They've never made any effort. Right then, I stopped feeling bad. I have to do what keeps me happy. Dropping dead wood was the start. 

I'm not bitter about dropping these people and will be friendly when I run into them, but have stopped trying to include them into activities and events. I have to remind myself every now and then, not everyone is worth the squeeze to make juice and at that point it's easier to just crack open a beer and call it a day.

In short, if it's a not two way street, I'm no longer keeping you in my phone, or on facebook. Harsh? I don't think so. It's my life, my happiness and you're not contributing to it.  I don't think the whole "cleaning house" of facebook friends, and people you keep on your phone, ever ends.  Change is the only constant.

39

Today I'm 39 friggin years old.
This is my last birthday. I'm not turning 40, ever.
And until I'm unable to pass for 39, I'm going to be 39. So there.

Friends and co workers have all acknowledged today, which is always nice... but have my siblings? Yet to be seen.

CRAZY C NO MORE.....EVER!

Just received the most wonderful email this morning.

CRAZY C QUIT THE MUSEUM!

I'll try and refrain from expressing my excitement.....

oh forget it, I'm doing a happy dance right now!

Her last day is the 30th of June. :) :) 

They're taking her for dinner etc and asked if I'd like to come and if I knew of gift idea's for her (as we were friends once) "OF COURSE, COUNT ME IN!"  Trying to not to appear to excited.  I will attend, not so much to make her uncomfortable, but to ensure she is really leaving. I gave them some great gift idea's for her. What? I'm not a complete utter bitch.

I knew she wouldn't last long after RJM left, as she'd no longer have him to obsessed about, and that the archivist who is in love with her (and a whole other set of issues with her where the city HR/mediator has to get involved)

will be more attuned to chatting her up, and of course that won't go over well.

I knew she's one day leave, I just never thought it would be within a month of him leaving. 

Funny how she couldn't find employment anywhere, and suddenly she has....

I'm assuming.

Maybe she's just leaving, moving back east to be someone elses problem for a bit.

I suspected that there would be a high turn over of volunteers and what full time staff they have when RJM left. He is/was the sole reason for so many sticking around. He made you excited to be part of this on going project of making our town history obtainable to the public.

What does this mean for me?

I can return to the museum with fresh staff and no baggage.

woot woot!

It's a good day indeed.

Happy Summer Solstice!

Bra Shopping is a Bitch!

Friday while sitting at my desk, I heard a "pop/snap". Similar to that of something whipping an elastic band at you... but felt nothing.

I thought it was my bra. Upon inspection in the private bathroom, I couldn't find anything amiss and decided that someone had indeed tried to get me with an elastic band, though no evidence was located.

While at the dermatologist later that afternoon, she's making note of some small infections on my body. (think pimples that will.not.heal.) and mentions the wire in my bra is broken. WTH!? Sure enough it was.  :( Bra shopping here I come ;'(

Since I find it hard to find a bra that meets all my requirements in department stores, (holding the puppies solid in place, comfortable, minimizing, pretty?) I chose to get fitted and shop at Penningtons Lougheed. A plus size store.
WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.

The girl that fitted me, ensured I had been wearing the wrong bra size. Funny how they all say that.  I wear a 40DD.(I get fitted every time I buy a new bra) She insisted I was a 38D and probably "too small" to be shopping there. Ummm, explain to me how I'm gaining weight still and yet my boobs got smaller? Not possible. Not to mention they carry 36D - 52G or some ridiculous size. Yet I'm too small?  Though I humoured her to prove her oh.so.wrong.

Trying to cram my boobs into bra's that are clearly too small for me, in band and cup; she has the nerve to tell me, "Oh that fits nicely!!"  I gave her a look like she was utterly stupid, she clearly had no idea what she was doing.  She gave me many excuses how sizing in a plus size was different from regular sizing. First I call bullshit. These are not jeans we're fitting, its a bra to hold in 10 lbs of flesh from bouncing around and giving myself a black eye when I walk.

I asked her to fetch me a 40DD in a minimizer, reluctantly she did... and what do you know.. IT FIT!  Though I was in no mood to give her a sale, I got dressed and left. With that kind of unknowledgeable staff working there, I'll probably never return. Not true, though I will make a point of not buying bra's there, nor accepting any kind of assistance from this particular person.

Bra shopping is hard enough as it is for 90% of women on the planet, add ill-equipped staff to the mix, and you have a recipe for many tears and discouragement.

Off to The Bay- Lougheed where 90 yr old women who have been at this forever will fit me properly.  I'm fitted, and what do you know, I'm still a 40DD.  I try on my true and trusted and it no longer fits the way it use too. :( The wire in the middle between the boobs was too high and would not lay flat against my chest. :( 

No discouragement, my great helper runs out and grabs about 20 different bras, two sizes for each style. Love when they do that. She gave me her opinions, and I found two that work. Though neither are from the minimizing family. Get to the register til, and find out it's 2 for 1 at for Bay Days. Sweet. Instead of spending $40 a piece,  I got both for $47 :-)  In and out of The Bay in an hour and not once did I want to shed a tear or chop my boobs off right there and more importantly, did not want to kill the helper.

It will take some getting use to seeing my boobs in shirts etc and not being minimized. However, I am comfortable, and for the moment, the puppies are not barking to be freed from their snug holding departments.

Also treated myself to an early birthday present. Some vanilla body spray, a new MP3 player, and a small ring that resembles the eternity band I want from Michael Hill -Lougheed (love the staff there - they are my official jeweler) but for a whole lot less moola. :)

ACCUTANE UPDATE
My cholesterol is back to 3.2 (high end of normal) and I got approved for months 4 and 5.  woot almost see the end! 

I have (one) little pimple on my inner thigh, that just will not heal! Along with this same pimple on other spots of my body. Getting small staph infections is not completely uncommon when on Accutane or pre-existing eczema.  Cure: 1/2 a cup of bleach in a full bath once a month.  Easy.

Okay, I think you're caught up for the moment.
Nothing more to write about at this time. Still in a bit of a funk.

Love my City!

THIS is the Vancouver I know and love!

This photo made me cry this morning. What spirit!

This is Kris Griffin. Boston Fan - Vancouverite

Photo Credit: Andy Fang Photography

This picture was posted by Andy Fang Photography

SPECIAL: THE REAL FACE OF VANCOUVER.

Strongly recommend you check out all the positive pages that

popping up on Vancouver.

Post Riot Clean-up - Let's Help Vancouver

is one of the main pages that is posting all these pictures.

By 9am - noon,

there was only small remnants of what happened the

night before.

That makes me proud.

Look at

 "VANCOUVER - THE DAY AFTER"

Photo Credit: Theresa Marion

She managed to capture many candid pictures of volunteers.

It's raw, haunting, and beautiful.

Thanks again to the thousands (read over 17 thousand estimated) that came down

with their brooms from home and those that donated their time

supplies of all types, water, trucks to carry away the junk

providing wood planks to cover windows

their smiles and most of all

their love for the city.

LOVE VANCOUVER!

Post Riot - Vancouver Stanley Cup 2011

The Canucks loss. No biggie right? The fans inside Rogers Arena were graceful losers, and gave standing ovations to players of the Bruins for their trophies etc.
I was hoping with all my heart, that good sportsmanship in the rink would spill out into the street and we'd show the world we're A-Classy bunch of folks.

Knowing deep in my gut, that all local news stations would be interrupting shows with "Breaking News" any minute, and as I thought it, it happened.

I want to clearly state, that what happened in Vancouver last night should not be seen as a reflection of what the majority of people who live here are about. There was a crowd of people who went downtown with full intentions of starting a riot.

A text message from Single & Picky last night was all welcoming.  Chatting on the phone was even better. It was such a heavy hearted scar on Vancouver, I was happy to be distracted talking about anything else.

Emails and text messages from friends around the world asking if I'm okay has been over whelming to say the least. I live 40 minutes out of the downtown core.

You'll have to check out this link to see some of the worse pictures of the riot last night.

I personally do not think the tactical teams moved in and took control fast enough. They let it build.  St. Paul's Hospital was alerted to Code Orange = full lock down.  No staff were not allowed to leave for any reason. Expecting many casualties of all sorts.

It's shit like this that takes place and people wonder why Vancouver is referred to as the No Fun City. COS YOU CAN'T BEHAVE YOURSELVES! geez.
There is even a film about it.

I want to make it clear that this scar on Vancouver shouldn't be a reflection of the great city we are and how awesome the people are. There's a few bad ones in every crowd.

Our Transit system did an okay job of only commuting people and traffic OUT of the downtown core. Skytrains were not bringing people into the city, no buses were running in Vancouver and the Seabus was only transporting one direction. At one point all bridges connecting others parts of the city to Vancouver were closed to incoming traffic.

A photographer friend of mine was beside the first car that was flipped over said this via facebook.. "It was the fastest 3 rolls of film I've ever gone through. If I have anything good, I'll forward it to the police."

4th picture down in the link … some douche bag ran onto that BMW probably thinking there was a roof left, and fell in!!!  Now I don’t wish harm on anyone, but come on, he deserved whatever injuries he sustained

Between the facial recognition programs the police have, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and the sites that are popping up overnight to send your footage too, will assist police with identifying people. I hope those who started it are whole heartily held accountable.

P.S.
Should I learn at any time, that anyone I know via facebook, msn, in person etc was even remotely participating in the riot last night, will be deleted and friendship will be terminated, effective immediately. Those are not the kind of people I would ever want to be associated with in any way, shape or form.

It's a very heavy & sad day for Vancouver.
Stay classy my friends.

UPDATE:
Here is the article and pictures of thousands of volunteers coming to Vancouver's aid and cleaning her up. This is what Vancouver is about.

THIS IS IT......BRINGING IT HOME!

1 hr 45 mins til the puck drops!

Head over to Single & Picky and watch the video's she posted.

GO CANUCKS GO!!!!

Make us proud boys!

BRING IT HOME!

Canucks Game 7

This was my original prediction in our office hockey pool. Although I had put us playing and winning against NY.

Even though we lost last night, I'm pumped to have the cup on home turf for the last game! Now, should we lose, I really hope Vancouver learned from the 94 debacle that was the riot of Vancouver when we loss.

I have faith in our city not to repeat that scene. Especially since the Olympics and that world now knows how awesome we are and that we're more than rain, and do not live in igloo's. :)

This morning while getting my treat (vanilla latte. extra shot was on the house this morning) there was an obnoxious, extremely rude, and bitchy woman bad mouthing the Canucks  in the cafe (and cheering for Boston) to anyone that would listen... was declined coffee service. HA! #knowyouraudience...Just Sayin.

P.S.
20 seconds into the game Mason Raymond caught a stick between the legs and awkwardly ran backwards into the boards. Speculation is Mason Raymond may have fractured vertebra and will be out for the next 4-6 months. :(
It wasn't a malicious hit.  Just luck of the draw. :(
Here's hoping for a full and speedy recovery. xo

Accutane 1 - Just Saying - 0

We're officially over the hump of the half way mark in this 6 months.

Recap:
Month 1 - 40 mg
Minor constant nose bleeds, lethargic, dryness, slight tremors, aches and pains.
Bad ccholesterol in check, liver function in check, pregnancy negative.

Month 2 - 80 mg
Heavier nose bleeds, Minimized by cauterizing, itchy due to dryness,  no tremors, aches and pains are manageable.
Bad ccholesterol higher but still in check, liver function in check, pregnancy negative.

Month 3 - 40 mg
Tremors constant, lethargic all the time, emotional, aches and pains blah, nose bleeds minor but constant, minor acne break outs all over my body, small staph infections appearing (shoulder, back of hand, inner thigh)
Bad cholesterol too high, liver function decreased, (hence the decrease in mg's)pregnancy negative.

I have my next appointment this Friday and I'm all about ready to call it quits.
The side effects are all so minor but really taking it's toll on me this month.
Month 2 was by far the easiest month of the 3 so far. Funny cos it was that month that I was the least healthy on this.

Since we decreased the milligrams, I'm having minor acne. It was enough to make me cry over the weekend. I'm tired. Of everything. I'm not so sure anymore that having acne free skin forever is worth this crap. I know that's not true. Part of me though hopes I'm taken off the accutane this weekend, the other half of me does not... I really want clear skin forever.

I've gotten use to not wearing makeup. Love it. One thing I'll take away from all this, is I know now that I can indeed keep my hands of my face.

I let Douchebag come over on Sunday. He called to say Hey, and he was in the area. I lost it on the phone with him. Just sobbed. He came over and just let me let go for about an hour, then left. It was what I needed. Exhausted and feeling deflated, I napped hard after the meltdown. It's moments like that, that remind me he has a decent bone, but it doesn't minimize all the other shit.

Not sure the meltdown was all about the accutane though. I think it was a combo of Laurie's situation, Mothers Day and Mum's anniversary passing and her birthday coming up. In short, I guess it was a woes is me moment/stress cry.

Functioning today, not great, but better.  Just tired of feeling run down, like I'm going to get the flu or something, all.the.damn.time.

Game 5 - In case you did not know Vancouver has Cup Fever!

This is the downtown core in Vancouver for Game 5 at Georgia St & Beatty.
According to text messages from people there at Burrard St, this crowd goes way past there. 

If those that don't know how far it is... it's a good distance.
See the Map of Downtown Vancouver  Beatty/georgia to Burrard.

Boston is going down! Biatch!

Game 4 baby!!!

Canucks in 5!
That is all.... :-D

Accutane Days

93 days down. 92 more to go.

.......I.WANT.A.DRINK.!!!!!!!!

~Just Sayin...

Sabbatical

My brain is overwhelmed with drama as of late. I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.

Going to take a brief sabbatical from writing frequently.  I'll be writing drafts and keeping them for a much later date to share.  Blogging about the current, heavy ongoing events isn't sitting right with me. It's too involved. Somehow down playing the seriousness of it all. Not that I won't continue to share it, just at a later date.

I'll be reading all your blogs though. That won't stop.
If you'd like to stay in touch in the mean time, fire over a smile to:
 justsaying1 (at) that hot mail dot CA place... not com.

Moving forward, any current entries I feel I must share will hopefully be of a  humourous nature and not this heavy crap I've been spewing lately. 

Maybe only update once a week or something. Give you something to look forward too, rather than a daily rant?

Can't think straight, so it's best I just step away from putting my every thought on paper.

So til then, stay classy, stay awesome! I'll be reading you.
xxx