Currently sitting on my patio in the sun this Easter Sunday 2021, trying to rid myself of some covid blues.
I've been avoiding addressing just how much covid is affecting me and my depression/anxiety. For a long, while now I've just been telling myself I'm bored. That is part of it for sure. Learning to live in isolation aside from going to work and the grocery store is getting old. In the beginning, my bubble and I would continue our Friday night dinners via Zoom. Then it started to fall away, the further into the year of Covid we got. September rolled around and my bubble had to become even more distant as a few have children starting elementary school, and were now in a bubble with 30 other families. I'm high risk due to asthma so we've all taken extra precautions.
We're now a full year into the restrictions and our group has dissolved a bit. Noone seems to be making any efforts to stay in touch, have car-patio visits etc., and some of my bubble has now broken covid rules by travelling to whistler, a current hotbed of covid exposure and cases.
In all honesty, I feel selfish just writing this. I have a roof over my head, I'm healthy, I'm employed. How dare I feel all woes-is-me when there are people and friends who have contracted covid and are still in recovery. How dare I?!
I am alone and lonely. Us huggers are not okay! Not trying to be cute. Seriously, those of us that thrive and live for physical touch and live alone are not okay. Selfish, yes. Necessity, yes. Of my immediate circle, I am one of 3 that are single. However, I am the only one who isn't co-parenting or dating. I have 1 person I can be physical with, and funny enough he's none covid believer. But we won't discuss that. We only get together on his terms. Which until now I've been completely okay with it. It's now that my mental health is suffering and I've reached out... crickets. I'm mad at him, I'm mad at myself for thinking he would be there in my time of need.
With all this going through my head, I'm exhausted. Finding it hard to do just my regular chores; shower, get out of bed. My mental health homework and lists are not working. I am thankful though for my anxiety medication. I could not imagine where I'd been now (3 years after starting the meds).
I feel like I'm the only one reaching out to friends, checking in on them. Noone is checking on me. Those who live far away are, however, it is different when your immediate circle isn't.
That's all I have for now. I'll continue later.
Stay Safe, Stay healthy. Be kind to others and yourself.
