Does anyone know anything about researching churches, or what questions I should be asking in order to find something that fits me?
Questions I’ve come across while thinking about whether or not attending a church is for me:
-Do I need to practice and commit 100%
-To believe in Negotiable and non negotiable
(meaning you agree with some or all of what the “word” of that church is preaching)
-Can I go sporadically for guidance as I feel it’s needed?
-Will I be ‘accepted” if I don’t believe in all the word spoken or attend regularly?
-Is it like a full time volunteering?
In short, I have an idea of what I’m seeking, what I need to know is, are there places that are more modern in allowing spiritual guidance rather than praying to a “God”, and following the word of that church?
Can I get what I’m looking for without attending Church?
It may be easier to list the things I believe in etc and what I’m looking for at this point. Although I’m not going to post that here, as all parts of religion are private and really shouldn’t be discussed for public debate, as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, for their own reasons.
I think there are only a small few than can discuss this openly and not ram their “holy than thou” attitude at me.
If you’re reasonably educated in the vase varieties of dominations out there, or have ever been in my position and curious to know what my beliefs are or are not, and may be able to guide me in a direction you think would be beneficial or simple suggest different questions I can be asking in order to get the answers I’m seeking, then fire me over a comment with your email and I will email you privately off the blog.
As I start learning about all this, one thing is definite. This is not an easy task.
There are so many things out there and every place changes slightly.
Who knows, I could complete this search and find nothing that fits me.
Do I even need to attend a church at all in order to find this guidance?
~Being Samiantha
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Are you living everyday to the fullest?
Just what the titles says. Are you?
I'm not.
Haven't been, probably not since my early 20's have I done... anything productive. I have my reasons and they are just that, reasons. I won't say excuses, cos for the purpose of my mental health at the time, they were and will remain seen as reasons.
An acquaintance I have, that I knew a few years ago has popped up. As beautiful as he is, we will never be anything more than what we are, passing acquaintances.
Anyway, his msn status changed last night and all it said was: "I hope everyone is living everyday to its fullest". Not a question, just a statement.
For whatever reason it made me start to think about it, more so, than if he had ASKED it. When people ask me such things, I instantly get my back up all defensive, like I need to be prepared to be preached at, etc.
Recently I've decided (more so divinely guided) to learn about churches and religions. I've found a place to start, and will inform you if I gain anything from my explorations. Add the above statement to the equation, and I find myself with a whole new level of motivation than I've had in the last 11 years.
Seriously, in the last week, I've begun to research a higher guidance, joined a gym (yes you read it correctly), started the repairs around my apartment, started taking the stairs at work, walking the hill of death after work, and over all just stopped being a professional procrastinator. (which I've been extremely successful in, til now). Funny how a small sentence, or support from an old high school friend can change things for the better.
I'm a firm believer that people come and go from your life for all different reasons, lengths of time, short, long, etc.. for the greater good, to rehash old issues etc, whatever the reason/purpose these folks have popped up, truly makes me believe I need to be doing more with my day to day life. I never want to look back and have any regrets.
Baby steps, but I'll get there. I've told myself the changes I make in the next little while, may be only little over all. I do not believe they have to be life changing, just pertinent to your life and yours only.
My statement to all of you is the same: I hope you're living everyday to the fullest.
I was in the middle of a report when I wrote this, so it may be less to the point than I was hoping to make.
I'm not.
Haven't been, probably not since my early 20's have I done... anything productive. I have my reasons and they are just that, reasons. I won't say excuses, cos for the purpose of my mental health at the time, they were and will remain seen as reasons.
An acquaintance I have, that I knew a few years ago has popped up. As beautiful as he is, we will never be anything more than what we are, passing acquaintances.
Anyway, his msn status changed last night and all it said was: "I hope everyone is living everyday to its fullest". Not a question, just a statement.
For whatever reason it made me start to think about it, more so, than if he had ASKED it. When people ask me such things, I instantly get my back up all defensive, like I need to be prepared to be preached at, etc.
Recently I've decided (more so divinely guided) to learn about churches and religions. I've found a place to start, and will inform you if I gain anything from my explorations. Add the above statement to the equation, and I find myself with a whole new level of motivation than I've had in the last 11 years.
Seriously, in the last week, I've begun to research a higher guidance, joined a gym (yes you read it correctly), started the repairs around my apartment, started taking the stairs at work, walking the hill of death after work, and over all just stopped being a professional procrastinator. (which I've been extremely successful in, til now). Funny how a small sentence, or support from an old high school friend can change things for the better.
I'm a firm believer that people come and go from your life for all different reasons, lengths of time, short, long, etc.. for the greater good, to rehash old issues etc, whatever the reason/purpose these folks have popped up, truly makes me believe I need to be doing more with my day to day life. I never want to look back and have any regrets.
Baby steps, but I'll get there. I've told myself the changes I make in the next little while, may be only little over all. I do not believe they have to be life changing, just pertinent to your life and yours only.
My statement to all of you is the same: I hope you're living everyday to the fullest.
I was in the middle of a report when I wrote this, so it may be less to the point than I was hoping to make.
Friday, 22 May 2009
The Chawel - Do you know what a Chawel is?
Hello guys and dolls!
Check out the following site, www.chawel.com
if you've ever been shy about changing in public or wish you did not have to walk the distance to the loo to change, or simples wish you had an all-in-one blanket,towel,mobile changing room, semi sleeping bag, skim board cover, etc.
Well you do now!!
A friend of mine founded and developed this product (The Chawel- pronounces cha-owl, like change-towel)and he should be paying me for pluggin this, lol but I truly believe in this product and couldnt imagine doing a hike, going to the beach, changing clothes in public without it ever again...Plus people (men) will come over and start conversations about it... yay a date for me!!!
Take a look at the link below and check it out.
I do believe he will ship as far as humanly possible.
There are many colours, and designs to choose from in infants, kids, and adult sizes.
www.chawel.com
yes the yummy man in the video is my friend....
Check out the following site, www.chawel.com
if you've ever been shy about changing in public or wish you did not have to walk the distance to the loo to change, or simples wish you had an all-in-one blanket,towel,mobile changing room, semi sleeping bag, skim board cover, etc.
Well you do now!!
A friend of mine founded and developed this product (The Chawel- pronounces cha-owl, like change-towel)and he should be paying me for pluggin this, lol but I truly believe in this product and couldnt imagine doing a hike, going to the beach, changing clothes in public without it ever again...Plus people (men) will come over and start conversations about it... yay a date for me!!!
Take a look at the link below and check it out.
I do believe he will ship as far as humanly possible.
There are many colours, and designs to choose from in infants, kids, and adult sizes.
www.chawel.com
yes the yummy man in the video is my friend....
A question about finding Religion... I think.
I went to a Jr highschool that produced a lot of um...... troubled teens.
one particurlar student was label "trouble maker" due to his long hair (think 80's rockers) and that he wsa a skateboarder.. wooooo I know, so bad!!!
Two years ago when I joined facebook we reconnected through an alumni group for our Jr.High which is no longer there....
I learned that many of these troubled teens, did well, end up in trouble, the really bad kind, and the others grew up had families, have careers, etc...
One student JW was the skateboarder who was trouble by all accounts according to our princple, is now a paster at a local church!.. He holds events once a month called Gospel Sunday's. he sends FB invites and I never attend..... til now.
He sent me an email thanking me for RVSPing to the event and asked me
"How are you in light of the deaths?" .... this was my reply.
Hey Jeff,
I’m on facebook often, almost nightly to wish people a happy birthday, update my status etc..
I don’t often find myself using the facebook chat as it will not load and send the message or it will crash.
You are more than welcome to reach me on msn, that is on as long as I am home. J
blahblahblah@hotmail.com
….How am I doing in light of the deaths in my family?
Hmmmmmmm … not sure what kind of reply you’re looking for?
A quick “I’m fine”, or a short novel?
I’ve give you both.
Mum passed away 9 years ago this may 30th., My dad 5 years ago this past February…
Quick - I’m okay – continually building character I wasn’t aware I needed.
Short Novel – after losing my mum, I lost all faith in everything. Life after death, god, religion, etc..
Although I was never mad at God, I was pissed at the universe & at the situation.
Of course some things have changed.
My outlook on life in general changed; the people I had in it, my job at the time, my own beliefs, and that I wasn’t sure I had any anymore….
My mental health took a downward spiral, I became indifferent, selfish, and distant, then sought professional help over the course of a few years and recovered.
(saved my life really) I can actually say I like myself… for years I did not and couldn’t.
Repeat the above when my dad passed away four years later. Minus the destructive behaviour though.
Fast forward to the present month……
I’ve had a lot of “firsts” in the last 9 years.
In a sense everything is new again. I had to learn to make the best of what I could for myself with those I had in my life (friends become chosen family)and discard the rest that were poison to me, or holding me back from being a healthier me.
(don’t get me wrong, I still make a lot of mistakes and get upset, although I try to make the effort to consciously learn from them)
For whatever reason, something is drawing me to be curious about religion, community, and acceptance this year.
It’s internal and really can not express it in words the feelings that are telling me, “now is the time to learn, be open minded, explore” but I can tell you,
whatever it is talking to me, its loud, and encouraging.
So there is my novel to answer your question: How am I doing in light of things? J
See you on the 31st.
Samiantha
xo
Not sure this was a question about religion, just random I guess and thought it may be a good entry.
Have a great weekend!
~Being Samiantha
one particurlar student was label "trouble maker" due to his long hair (think 80's rockers) and that he wsa a skateboarder.. wooooo I know, so bad!!!
Two years ago when I joined facebook we reconnected through an alumni group for our Jr.High which is no longer there....
I learned that many of these troubled teens, did well, end up in trouble, the really bad kind, and the others grew up had families, have careers, etc...
One student JW was the skateboarder who was trouble by all accounts according to our princple, is now a paster at a local church!.. He holds events once a month called Gospel Sunday's. he sends FB invites and I never attend..... til now.
He sent me an email thanking me for RVSPing to the event and asked me
"How are you in light of the deaths?" .... this was my reply.
Hey Jeff,
I’m on facebook often, almost nightly to wish people a happy birthday, update my status etc..
I don’t often find myself using the facebook chat as it will not load and send the message or it will crash.
You are more than welcome to reach me on msn, that is on as long as I am home. J
blahblahblah@hotmail.com
….How am I doing in light of the deaths in my family?
Hmmmmmmm … not sure what kind of reply you’re looking for?
A quick “I’m fine”, or a short novel?
I’ve give you both.
Mum passed away 9 years ago this may 30th., My dad 5 years ago this past February…
Quick - I’m okay – continually building character I wasn’t aware I needed.
Short Novel – after losing my mum, I lost all faith in everything. Life after death, god, religion, etc..
Although I was never mad at God, I was pissed at the universe & at the situation.
Of course some things have changed.
My outlook on life in general changed; the people I had in it, my job at the time, my own beliefs, and that I wasn’t sure I had any anymore….
My mental health took a downward spiral, I became indifferent, selfish, and distant, then sought professional help over the course of a few years and recovered.
(saved my life really) I can actually say I like myself… for years I did not and couldn’t.
Repeat the above when my dad passed away four years later. Minus the destructive behaviour though.
Fast forward to the present month……
I’ve had a lot of “firsts” in the last 9 years.
In a sense everything is new again. I had to learn to make the best of what I could for myself with those I had in my life (friends become chosen family)and discard the rest that were poison to me, or holding me back from being a healthier me.
(don’t get me wrong, I still make a lot of mistakes and get upset, although I try to make the effort to consciously learn from them)
For whatever reason, something is drawing me to be curious about religion, community, and acceptance this year.
It’s internal and really can not express it in words the feelings that are telling me, “now is the time to learn, be open minded, explore” but I can tell you,
whatever it is talking to me, its loud, and encouraging.
So there is my novel to answer your question: How am I doing in light of things? J
See you on the 31st.
Samiantha
xo
Not sure this was a question about religion, just random I guess and thought it may be a good entry.
Have a great weekend!
~Being Samiantha
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Forcing a better outlook
Morning All,
The sour mood is passing and will be NO MORE! I'm going to force a better outlook instead of wallowing in the woe-is-me, that has been my past 10 days or so. I'm all dried up.
I've learned that I DO have trust issues with men (was never really a secret) and no longer afraid to admit that to anyone. I've always known I want more for myself from relationships than what I'm being dealt. And forget at times to do something about it, rather than just accepting the hand. I'll fold and start new more often.
In the last month, I've been made more aware of a few things. Not really new to me, just dusting off images I have for myself, the things I like and want.
I like to nest and have someone to dote on. I REALLY like these things. Not cause its expected of me as a future wife or g/f, but cos I really do enjoy it.
Man, am I going to make a great wife. I know I'm a great g/f, when I am one.
I want to be married, or living with a man who I'm intimate with.
Added bonus for my ego that IG pointed out this past weekend. He told me I'm one of the most independent women he knows....well in the top 3. He said this after I pulled out my cordless drill, stud finder and level and showed him how to use them. lol Ya I don't pull the helpless female card often, but when I do, I do it right.. with the extra whiny voice and a slight foot stomp and pout. hahahahaha
I've lived alone since I moved out of my parents house. Gawd bless my dad for making me a reasonably self-sufficient women. (love you dad)
I want more. I'm ready for more. And its only the beginning of this yet-again-self-discovery. Really don't believe we discover ourselves just once, I believe its an ongoing work in progress.
In a previous post, I mentioned that our wants and desires for life, ourselves, our friendships, and relationships, change constantly based on life happening to us.
Death, birth, politics, religion,employment, money, or lack of it and more etc...
We are always reinventing ourselves, building more character than we knew we needed.
A work in progress (as Tinkbell would say).
That's all for now.
~Being Samiantha
The sour mood is passing and will be NO MORE! I'm going to force a better outlook instead of wallowing in the woe-is-me, that has been my past 10 days or so. I'm all dried up.
I've learned that I DO have trust issues with men (was never really a secret) and no longer afraid to admit that to anyone. I've always known I want more for myself from relationships than what I'm being dealt. And forget at times to do something about it, rather than just accepting the hand. I'll fold and start new more often.
In the last month, I've been made more aware of a few things. Not really new to me, just dusting off images I have for myself, the things I like and want.
I like to nest and have someone to dote on. I REALLY like these things. Not cause its expected of me as a future wife or g/f, but cos I really do enjoy it.
Man, am I going to make a great wife. I know I'm a great g/f, when I am one.
I want to be married, or living with a man who I'm intimate with.
Added bonus for my ego that IG pointed out this past weekend. He told me I'm one of the most independent women he knows....well in the top 3. He said this after I pulled out my cordless drill, stud finder and level and showed him how to use them. lol Ya I don't pull the helpless female card often, but when I do, I do it right.. with the extra whiny voice and a slight foot stomp and pout. hahahahaha
I've lived alone since I moved out of my parents house. Gawd bless my dad for making me a reasonably self-sufficient women. (love you dad)
I want more. I'm ready for more. And its only the beginning of this yet-again-self-discovery. Really don't believe we discover ourselves just once, I believe its an ongoing work in progress.
In a previous post, I mentioned that our wants and desires for life, ourselves, our friendships, and relationships, change constantly based on life happening to us.
Death, birth, politics, religion,employment, money, or lack of it and more etc...
We are always reinventing ourselves, building more character than we knew we needed.
A work in progress (as Tinkbell would say).
That's all for now.
~Being Samiantha
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Inspired to Create
First of all... I GOT SOME SLEEP! and am less the emotional wreck I've been in the last 8 days.
Recently been having some weird dreams, and in them, I'm cooking. Yes Cooking.
I cook. I'm fairly good at it.... until I met Kathryn M. (goddess in the kitchen)
Cooking for one is a huge pain and really not much fun and generally not inspired to do so. So anytime I get the chance to cook for someone else I'm all over it.
Side note: A general misconception is, people who can cook, can bake. NOT TRUE!
It's one or the other, and in the rare case that you're a kitchen goddess, well then you can do anything.... I can not bake... a list of what idiot proof goods I can screw up to follow.
Ok, back to the point. Weird dreams I'm cooking these feasts!
I woke up this morning and was really inspired to cook. Instant thought: Fatten the Island Boy up.
Sweet! Never occurred to me, I HAVE SOMEONE TO COOK FOR! I'm sure it will beat the crap out of the garbage he's been eating.
Friday I'll go out and buy everything to make the meals I dreamt of.
Breakfast stuff - Homemade Sausage N' Egg English Muffins, Pancakes, omelets w/side of fruit w/ strawberry whip cream dip (easy, frozen whip cream mixed with strawberry yogurt - trail and error for taste)
Steak - with sauteed mushrooms and a cream/balsamic vinegar reduced sauce
(til you've tried it, don't knock it)
Ham marinated w/beer topped with horseradish and asparagus wrapped in prosciutto and cracked sea salt.
Chicken Cordon bleu - w/seared veggies with a light grape seed oil brushed on before hand.
BBQ chicken w/ all the fixings (like a turkey dinner) stuffing from scratch, and the best mashed potatoes ever! (add a raw egg, butter, milk, onion salt, and whip - soooo creamy)
Hamburgers - made w/dried Dijon mustard, green onions, pinch of garlic, on slightly toasted sourdough buns - of course will all the regular fixings too.
Meal Salads - Spinach salad with sauteed prawns or crab w/garlic and wine, dried raisins (skip the brown sugar candied walnuts - must-not-kill-island boy)
Snacks - salsa, guacamole and Chocolate chip banana bread (again thanks Kathryn M for the receipts)
I know none of this sounds like much, but when inspired to be in the kitchen, it tastes so-much-better.... and will help me redirect my recent shitty attitude towards something more proactive. I wish I could cook like this everyday.
My goal, by the end of summer, Island boy will be 10-15 lbs heavier (giggle) What? He needs it! 5'8 and 140 lbs... he needs it!!!!
Now for a list of things I can not make to save my life.... Ready?
Jello. - yup jello. Can not make it. Sad really, cos I like jello with amaretto and whip cream.
Idiot proof cookies. - The kind you just throw onto a sheet and bake for 8-12 minutes.. cant make them.
Cake. pies, and muffins - Not instant, not from scratch.
Two things I CAN BAKE- ish
Chocolate covered strawberries
Home made Turtles (rah rah rah)
Although those are not really baking, its more of melt stuff and make it stick together.. lol... that's my kind of baking.
Enjoy your week and weekend.
~Being Samiantha
Recently been having some weird dreams, and in them, I'm cooking. Yes Cooking.
I cook. I'm fairly good at it.... until I met Kathryn M. (goddess in the kitchen)
Cooking for one is a huge pain and really not much fun and generally not inspired to do so. So anytime I get the chance to cook for someone else I'm all over it.
Side note: A general misconception is, people who can cook, can bake. NOT TRUE!
It's one or the other, and in the rare case that you're a kitchen goddess, well then you can do anything.... I can not bake... a list of what idiot proof goods I can screw up to follow.
Ok, back to the point. Weird dreams I'm cooking these feasts!
I woke up this morning and was really inspired to cook. Instant thought: Fatten the Island Boy up.
Sweet! Never occurred to me, I HAVE SOMEONE TO COOK FOR! I'm sure it will beat the crap out of the garbage he's been eating.
Friday I'll go out and buy everything to make the meals I dreamt of.
Breakfast stuff - Homemade Sausage N' Egg English Muffins, Pancakes, omelets w/side of fruit w/ strawberry whip cream dip (easy, frozen whip cream mixed with strawberry yogurt - trail and error for taste)
Steak - with sauteed mushrooms and a cream/balsamic vinegar reduced sauce
(til you've tried it, don't knock it)
Ham marinated w/beer topped with horseradish and asparagus wrapped in prosciutto and cracked sea salt.
Chicken Cordon bleu - w/seared veggies with a light grape seed oil brushed on before hand.
BBQ chicken w/ all the fixings (like a turkey dinner) stuffing from scratch, and the best mashed potatoes ever! (add a raw egg, butter, milk, onion salt, and whip - soooo creamy)
Hamburgers - made w/dried Dijon mustard, green onions, pinch of garlic, on slightly toasted sourdough buns - of course will all the regular fixings too.
Meal Salads - Spinach salad with sauteed prawns or crab w/garlic and wine, dried raisins (skip the brown sugar candied walnuts - must-not-kill-island boy)
Snacks - salsa, guacamole and Chocolate chip banana bread (again thanks Kathryn M for the receipts)
I know none of this sounds like much, but when inspired to be in the kitchen, it tastes so-much-better.... and will help me redirect my recent shitty attitude towards something more proactive. I wish I could cook like this everyday.
My goal, by the end of summer, Island boy will be 10-15 lbs heavier (giggle) What? He needs it! 5'8 and 140 lbs... he needs it!!!!
Now for a list of things I can not make to save my life.... Ready?
Jello. - yup jello. Can not make it. Sad really, cos I like jello with amaretto and whip cream.
Idiot proof cookies. - The kind you just throw onto a sheet and bake for 8-12 minutes.. cant make them.
Cake. pies, and muffins - Not instant, not from scratch.
Two things I CAN BAKE- ish
Chocolate covered strawberries
Home made Turtles (rah rah rah)
Although those are not really baking, its more of melt stuff and make it stick together.. lol... that's my kind of baking.
Enjoy your week and weekend.
~Being Samiantha
Monday, 11 May 2009
Rhetorical Bullshit & Stupid Factory... Where boys are made.
This past week its been a rough go. Emotionally anyways.
Due to receive my monthly womanhood, add a full moon and an overly emotional Mothers Day.... yup. I'm just peachy to be around right now.
The weekend was no different. I do not think its possible for me to actually cry anymore. All the tears have dried up. Well the salty ones anyways.
We'll just do this in point form, cos I have a feeling its going to be a novel.
- D.R. turned out to be a DOUCHE! yes I said the word! after so rudely been called that by a 9yr old. It would be one thing to say, I'm no longer interested, or you're not my type... that I could have excepted. But no. Much worse.
He insulted me to a stranger (to him) off the dating site we met on. Who just happened to be a friend of mine. I cant tell you how mad I am. I confronted him and he's apologized, but that does not stop it from stinging more than usual....Why come over at all if you're just an ass. yes I'm fully aware he was only for my short term needs, but there is never a reason to just be THAT rude.
-add that to the above mood.
-I met someone online who I was getting along with and like all girls, we share the profiles of the men we're talking to with our friends. If not for safety, but to assure we're not talking to the same men. ew.
I showed this g/f the profile of a guy I was hitting it off with... what did she do?
She messaged him herself and went out on a date with him last night!!!
WHO DOES THAT!?
It would be one thing to say, "Hey I'm really interested in him, would you mind if I contacted him too? Isn't there some unwritten rule about this behaviour she just pulled? (friendship is currently under review)How I found out? He and I have great communication skills. He told me he had a date, and I asked if I could see her profile. Its a dating sight, I'm not foolish enough to think any of us are dating just one person, otherwise we'd take our profiles down. And there she is... MY friend, one who is suppose to be one of my closest.... who one is too "tired" to come hang out with me and be emotional support, but instead opts to msg a guy I'm hitting it off with and drive twice the distance past-my-house for the date... This one takes the cake.
-add that to the above mood.
Rhetorical Bullshit.
Ever notice the stupidity that spews from people some times?
I'm positive this sense is only heighten due to the above mood.
But I tell ya I'm so close to putting my fist in someones mouth soon.
It takes everything I have to reply without snark, I've managed to reply with the same amount of rhetorical stupidity as they've offered me.
When its raining, they say, "wow its miserable out there!"
Really? I hadn't noticed since I take the public transit system to get here, but thanks for pointing it out, I'll be sure to have my umbrella with me.
-Oh, you got your hair cut? (and offer nothing else, like a compliment)...
Really? Shit how did that happen? or NO I didn't, but thanks for thinking my looks like shit the rest of the time..
- Brrrrr its cold!
Really? hadn't noticed, but thanks for letting me know (me already in my parka, toque and teeth chattering away)
And when someone says something or does something too stupid for words, I usually reply "good thing you're cute", smile and walk away.
I don't like being this sour. Ever. I always try to make light of most things, cos really, what does getting mad about it do? But I guess I'm only capable of being indifferent and mellow for so long.
I work really hard at keeping my temper under wraps and being proactive about the way I deal with daily life.
I currently am just shy of throwing myself on the ground cry and yelling I WANT MY MUM!!! I desperately need a break from being an adult this week. I want to go home and just sleep and have my parents bring me tea, and just enjoy that silent comfort of just being home you need to recharge that you can only get from going home for a weekend.
I don't have that option.
I cant hang with my older siblings for that comfort, as they are crazy and would razz me for being "the sensitive one" which I will never make any excuses or ever apologize for. When I was younger and up til a few years ago, they would give me a hard time and my response was always the same. "Yes,I'm the sensitive one. I always have been. Sorry you're not able to feel". With my siblings, those are fighting words and know immediately to back the hell off.
The closest thing I have at the moment is going to the island. Hanging with my chosen family. I've always been able to go and be a spazz in a safe environment and they've NEVER ONCE EVER made me feel foolish, insignificant, weak, or embarrassed to need that comfort. I miss them.
I think while Island Guy is here on the weekends (once he picks up his friggin keys) I'll go to the island and have my down time. It's better if it is sooner than later...for everyone surrounding me.
Currently I go home, have a beer, or two, somethings three, have a bath and scream out loud my grievances against the world and people.
I'm in a terrible place right now. I don't want to be in that spot. How many stress cries do you think I can have before I start to feel better?
Friendships currently under review, men suck donkey butt in general this week, I miss my folks in the worst painful way this year, and overall feel alone. So alone.
Thats all, my rant. Hopefully my mood will improve now that its written down on paper and no longer haunting me.
Due to receive my monthly womanhood, add a full moon and an overly emotional Mothers Day.... yup. I'm just peachy to be around right now.
The weekend was no different. I do not think its possible for me to actually cry anymore. All the tears have dried up. Well the salty ones anyways.
We'll just do this in point form, cos I have a feeling its going to be a novel.
- D.R. turned out to be a DOUCHE! yes I said the word! after so rudely been called that by a 9yr old. It would be one thing to say, I'm no longer interested, or you're not my type... that I could have excepted. But no. Much worse.
He insulted me to a stranger (to him) off the dating site we met on. Who just happened to be a friend of mine. I cant tell you how mad I am. I confronted him and he's apologized, but that does not stop it from stinging more than usual....Why come over at all if you're just an ass. yes I'm fully aware he was only for my short term needs, but there is never a reason to just be THAT rude.
-add that to the above mood.
-I met someone online who I was getting along with and like all girls, we share the profiles of the men we're talking to with our friends. If not for safety, but to assure we're not talking to the same men. ew.
I showed this g/f the profile of a guy I was hitting it off with... what did she do?
She messaged him herself and went out on a date with him last night!!!
WHO DOES THAT!?
It would be one thing to say, "Hey I'm really interested in him, would you mind if I contacted him too? Isn't there some unwritten rule about this behaviour she just pulled? (friendship is currently under review)How I found out? He and I have great communication skills. He told me he had a date, and I asked if I could see her profile. Its a dating sight, I'm not foolish enough to think any of us are dating just one person, otherwise we'd take our profiles down. And there she is... MY friend, one who is suppose to be one of my closest.... who one is too "tired" to come hang out with me and be emotional support, but instead opts to msg a guy I'm hitting it off with and drive twice the distance past-my-house for the date... This one takes the cake.
-add that to the above mood.
Rhetorical Bullshit.
Ever notice the stupidity that spews from people some times?
I'm positive this sense is only heighten due to the above mood.
But I tell ya I'm so close to putting my fist in someones mouth soon.
It takes everything I have to reply without snark, I've managed to reply with the same amount of rhetorical stupidity as they've offered me.
When its raining, they say, "wow its miserable out there!"
Really? I hadn't noticed since I take the public transit system to get here, but thanks for pointing it out, I'll be sure to have my umbrella with me.
-Oh, you got your hair cut? (and offer nothing else, like a compliment)...
Really? Shit how did that happen? or NO I didn't, but thanks for thinking my looks like shit the rest of the time..
- Brrrrr its cold!
Really? hadn't noticed, but thanks for letting me know (me already in my parka, toque and teeth chattering away)
And when someone says something or does something too stupid for words, I usually reply "good thing you're cute", smile and walk away.
I don't like being this sour. Ever. I always try to make light of most things, cos really, what does getting mad about it do? But I guess I'm only capable of being indifferent and mellow for so long.
I work really hard at keeping my temper under wraps and being proactive about the way I deal with daily life.
I currently am just shy of throwing myself on the ground cry and yelling I WANT MY MUM!!! I desperately need a break from being an adult this week. I want to go home and just sleep and have my parents bring me tea, and just enjoy that silent comfort of just being home you need to recharge that you can only get from going home for a weekend.
I don't have that option.
I cant hang with my older siblings for that comfort, as they are crazy and would razz me for being "the sensitive one" which I will never make any excuses or ever apologize for. When I was younger and up til a few years ago, they would give me a hard time and my response was always the same. "Yes,I'm the sensitive one. I always have been. Sorry you're not able to feel". With my siblings, those are fighting words and know immediately to back the hell off.
The closest thing I have at the moment is going to the island. Hanging with my chosen family. I've always been able to go and be a spazz in a safe environment and they've NEVER ONCE EVER made me feel foolish, insignificant, weak, or embarrassed to need that comfort. I miss them.
I think while Island Guy is here on the weekends (once he picks up his friggin keys) I'll go to the island and have my down time. It's better if it is sooner than later...for everyone surrounding me.
Currently I go home, have a beer, or two, somethings three, have a bath and scream out loud my grievances against the world and people.
I'm in a terrible place right now. I don't want to be in that spot. How many stress cries do you think I can have before I start to feel better?
Friendships currently under review, men suck donkey butt in general this week, I miss my folks in the worst painful way this year, and overall feel alone. So alone.
Thats all, my rant. Hopefully my mood will improve now that its written down on paper and no longer haunting me.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Rough Week - Mothers Day
For those who don't know, both my parents have passed away.
Mum 9 years ago, Dad 5 years ago.
Mother's Day is this Sunday and for whatever reason, I'm having a very hard time managing myself this year and keeping my composure during the day.
At night when I'm home, no biggie, cos no one can see me.
I've been through 8 mothers days, and some were easier than others. (I thought surviving Xmas alone this past year I can do anything)This one.. ugh. and for the record, if anyone asks at work if I've been crying, no I haven't, its my allergies and I'm out of pills!!!! ;) Well that's what myself and a few colleges are saying.
I'm taking this Friday off, since being at work, well its just hard and I do not want to take the grrrr I'm holding in out on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Alot of my associates are mum's, and everyone is talking about their plans for this Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled they have kids, spouses, etc to celebrate with.... It's just tough hearing about it.
No fancy way of saying it.
This year sucks.
I have one friend, who lives locally and we've yet to meet in person, although we have mutual friends and 3 years passing since we started chatting (over a blog) She's the kind of friend who you can lose touch with and then pick up where you were days, weeks, months beforehand.
She has impeccable timing or a six sense when I need her shoulder.
Last night was no different. I bought some wine to help numb the tears,or hurry along the stress cry I've been waiting on... but wasn't in the mood to drink it... sigh... and couldn't force the tears now that I was home in a safe and private setting.
This friend, pops online msn after almost a years absences, and starts off with saying the sweetest things.. HELLO TEARS!
She wrote and wrote, and I sobbed, on and on... Then she reminded me about the family tradition we have in my family.
When someone dies and you can not visit the plot, etc.. You write them a letter, and then burn it. The wind will pick up the ashes and make sure they get it.
I haven't done this since the first or second year my parents passed away.
I may do that this weekend.
So I with our conversation under my belt and tears drying up (ever notice the saddest tears are the saltiest?)that all was good...Til I got to work this morning.
Short of it is, I'm glad to be working with the most insightful women ever.
(maybe women in general are just more insightful)
My work wife, looked at me and knew talking TO me would be bad, so we're chatting by emails and 3 floors apart. My immediate boss just gave me a look that said she understood, when I told her I was taking Friday off and did not offer any explanation.
My friends old and new, pop out of the woodwork in perfect sequence and offer an ear, a shoulder etc... even when some of them have their own tears to fight back.
Maybe its one of those things only women know. They all sensed that this year was tougher than years past.
I wont question it, and just express my gratitude that I have the friends in my life that I do.
So I'm a big sobbing wuss this year.
For all you who read my blog.
Here is your Happy Mothers Day!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
Thanks for all you do!
The daily –ish emails, the ear, the shoulder, and the virtual hugs.
Hope your Mothers Day is wonderful!
Xoxooxoxo
Mum 9 years ago, Dad 5 years ago.
Mother's Day is this Sunday and for whatever reason, I'm having a very hard time managing myself this year and keeping my composure during the day.
At night when I'm home, no biggie, cos no one can see me.
I've been through 8 mothers days, and some were easier than others. (I thought surviving Xmas alone this past year I can do anything)This one.. ugh. and for the record, if anyone asks at work if I've been crying, no I haven't, its my allergies and I'm out of pills!!!! ;) Well that's what myself and a few colleges are saying.
I'm taking this Friday off, since being at work, well its just hard and I do not want to take the grrrr I'm holding in out on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Alot of my associates are mum's, and everyone is talking about their plans for this Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled they have kids, spouses, etc to celebrate with.... It's just tough hearing about it.
No fancy way of saying it.
This year sucks.
I have one friend, who lives locally and we've yet to meet in person, although we have mutual friends and 3 years passing since we started chatting (over a blog) She's the kind of friend who you can lose touch with and then pick up where you were days, weeks, months beforehand.
She has impeccable timing or a six sense when I need her shoulder.
Last night was no different. I bought some wine to help numb the tears,or hurry along the stress cry I've been waiting on... but wasn't in the mood to drink it... sigh... and couldn't force the tears now that I was home in a safe and private setting.
This friend, pops online msn after almost a years absences, and starts off with saying the sweetest things.. HELLO TEARS!
She wrote and wrote, and I sobbed, on and on... Then she reminded me about the family tradition we have in my family.
When someone dies and you can not visit the plot, etc.. You write them a letter, and then burn it. The wind will pick up the ashes and make sure they get it.
I haven't done this since the first or second year my parents passed away.
I may do that this weekend.
So I with our conversation under my belt and tears drying up (ever notice the saddest tears are the saltiest?)that all was good...Til I got to work this morning.
Short of it is, I'm glad to be working with the most insightful women ever.
(maybe women in general are just more insightful)
My work wife, looked at me and knew talking TO me would be bad, so we're chatting by emails and 3 floors apart. My immediate boss just gave me a look that said she understood, when I told her I was taking Friday off and did not offer any explanation.
My friends old and new, pop out of the woodwork in perfect sequence and offer an ear, a shoulder etc... even when some of them have their own tears to fight back.
Maybe its one of those things only women know. They all sensed that this year was tougher than years past.
I wont question it, and just express my gratitude that I have the friends in my life that I do.
So I'm a big sobbing wuss this year.
For all you who read my blog.
Here is your Happy Mothers Day!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
Thanks for all you do!
The daily –ish emails, the ear, the shoulder, and the virtual hugs.
Hope your Mothers Day is wonderful!
Xoxooxoxo
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
New Blogs, Writing Styles
Lately at work, its been slow. Really to say its been slow is an understatement, but who am I to complain???... I have a job. (for the moment)
Anyways, this down time has given me no other option really than to search new things to read, in order to appear busy. Even though all management knows just how slow it is.... but we-must-keep-up-appearances.
Honestly, if I did not have access to the Internet or the curious nature to read about other peoples lives and steal their writing styles, well, I might have had to shoot myself as a result of being "bored to death". And/or tears, which ever comes first.
I have roughly 13 blogs I read for personal pleasure and 5 business/fashion blogs to follow to know what certain principle creative people have in mind for the upcoming seasons and how any design guidelines may change....(to read all these, its takes up oh 5-15 minutes of my days before anyone really ever arrives at work)
In the past week I've started reading 4 new blogs.
Two blogger's who have gone on to publish their writings, two musicians, one local and one not.
Aside from reading about peoples lives, how they cope, and use cynical wit to mustard through life, I also look forward to all the different writing styles.
My style changes constantly. I think my entries truly depend whether I'm being influenced and inspired, or my alter ego writes the entries.
As of lately, I'm all over the place,off topic and feel like I'm forcing them...
I'll say its a lack of having anything interesting to write about or haven't been inspired..
Today I read a local musicians blog, and seriously dug his writing style.
I do not know this person, but I do know of him. We have mutual friends in common.
He's just not someone I have naturally gravitated towards when in the same room.
However, I am ridiculously intimated by his beauty.
Unlike reading the blogs of people I do not know, or will not meet (some I have) Somehow, reading this blog feels a little weird. I haven't been invited to read it, although its public. I came across it like I do most others. While looking for something else. I sent him a MSG to say I was enjoying what I was reading. If I truly enjoy someones blog, I usually let them know.
Most of you who I'm reading and now read me, know this to be true.
Really not sure why this bothers me today? Maybe just a mood?
Regardless I'll continue to read what I enjoy and the things that inspire me.
In life, love, and all art forms.
Anyways, this down time has given me no other option really than to search new things to read, in order to appear busy. Even though all management knows just how slow it is.... but we-must-keep-up-appearances.
Honestly, if I did not have access to the Internet or the curious nature to read about other peoples lives and steal their writing styles, well, I might have had to shoot myself as a result of being "bored to death". And/or tears, which ever comes first.
I have roughly 13 blogs I read for personal pleasure and 5 business/fashion blogs to follow to know what certain principle creative people have in mind for the upcoming seasons and how any design guidelines may change....(to read all these, its takes up oh 5-15 minutes of my days before anyone really ever arrives at work)
In the past week I've started reading 4 new blogs.
Two blogger's who have gone on to publish their writings, two musicians, one local and one not.
Aside from reading about peoples lives, how they cope, and use cynical wit to mustard through life, I also look forward to all the different writing styles.
My style changes constantly. I think my entries truly depend whether I'm being influenced and inspired, or my alter ego writes the entries.
As of lately, I'm all over the place,off topic and feel like I'm forcing them...
I'll say its a lack of having anything interesting to write about or haven't been inspired..
Today I read a local musicians blog, and seriously dug his writing style.
I do not know this person, but I do know of him. We have mutual friends in common.
He's just not someone I have naturally gravitated towards when in the same room.
However, I am ridiculously intimated by his beauty.
Unlike reading the blogs of people I do not know, or will not meet (some I have) Somehow, reading this blog feels a little weird. I haven't been invited to read it, although its public. I came across it like I do most others. While looking for something else. I sent him a MSG to say I was enjoying what I was reading. If I truly enjoy someones blog, I usually let them know.
Most of you who I'm reading and now read me, know this to be true.
Really not sure why this bothers me today? Maybe just a mood?
Regardless I'll continue to read what I enjoy and the things that inspire me.
In life, love, and all art forms.
Monday, 4 May 2009
Update on the neighbouring Ferret
If you read back to the link (if it works - my first time using it)
FERRET IN THE APT! In january 2009
There is a hole underneath the baseboard in my spare room and a pet ferret entered the apt.... a month later I started getting eaten alive by bedbugs... (which has since been dealt with)
Moving forward to this past saturday, I'm putting around the apt before heading out to go shopping, and I can smell something funky near my front door. My shoes are in a closet there but I thought to myself, "there is no way that smell can be my shoes, just not possible"...
I left the apt,and the stench was enough to make you gag instantly. It was the neighbours apt! My first inital thought was, "omg she's died in there".
Turns out she MOVED OUT! and they were airing the apt out. I entered the suite taking a look around, (small apt) and it looks like the carpets had NEVER been cleaned, and a window in any room was probably NEVER opened in the 12 years she lived there... omg-the-funky-stench!!!
I always thought the reason the common property hallway area of the building on my floor smelt like garbage in the summer was cos the building was old and there was probably a dead rodent in the wall near my apt.... nope... it was HER APT!
Needless to say, the property management is going to renovate that suite.
my only concern is I get a neighbour that was as quiet as this one.. I mean NO ONE knew she'd even moved out,,, she was that quiet.
I liked her, but I will not miss her and her bedbug riddled ferret.
FERRET IN THE APT! In january 2009
There is a hole underneath the baseboard in my spare room and a pet ferret entered the apt.... a month later I started getting eaten alive by bedbugs... (which has since been dealt with)
Moving forward to this past saturday, I'm putting around the apt before heading out to go shopping, and I can smell something funky near my front door. My shoes are in a closet there but I thought to myself, "there is no way that smell can be my shoes, just not possible"...
I left the apt,and the stench was enough to make you gag instantly. It was the neighbours apt! My first inital thought was, "omg she's died in there".
Turns out she MOVED OUT! and they were airing the apt out. I entered the suite taking a look around, (small apt) and it looks like the carpets had NEVER been cleaned, and a window in any room was probably NEVER opened in the 12 years she lived there... omg-the-funky-stench!!!
I always thought the reason the common property hallway area of the building on my floor smelt like garbage in the summer was cos the building was old and there was probably a dead rodent in the wall near my apt.... nope... it was HER APT!
Needless to say, the property management is going to renovate that suite.
my only concern is I get a neighbour that was as quiet as this one.. I mean NO ONE knew she'd even moved out,,, she was that quiet.
I liked her, but I will not miss her and her bedbug riddled ferret.
Sunday, 3 May 2009
General Updates
Island guy has been coming over now for two weeks now... 14 more weeks to go.
I must say the first weekend I was "off" not use to having someone else in my apt, let alone living here part time.
Second weekend went much better! I've relaxed somewhat and actually looked forward to seeing this weekend.
In addition to that IG has NEVER been to IKEA!!!! OMG. I thought his head might explode from shear excitement and all the possibilities there are to create from IKEA. He had to tell me several times, that "we do not have an IKEA on the island, so this is exciting".... fair enough.
3 hours later, yes still in Ikea after a full day for both of us... he worked all day with no lunch break (surprised he wasnt super bitchy from lack of food, but he's a trooper) myself I had lost steam from the beer high i was on earlier...
Earlier in the day, I broke down, and went and bought the memory foam for my bed.
(I may be eating noodles for the next two weeks.. so the bills will get paid later in the month than on time)
This was muchly need otherwise a more bitchy me was surfacing much faster than I like... anyways.. off topic..
I went out with a new friend I met on the island. Brian. We have mutual friends and hes a good guy... so while shopping he mentions oh-so-casually, its his birthday.. TODAY!.
well shit. I call a few other friends we have in common and we take Brian out for lunch. A few beers later, I'm drunk, the canucks game has started and IG is arriving home and I'm hyper. HYPER!.. Off to ikea.
I lost my steam, and ended up sitting in a chair in a display and took a power nap.(maybe 5 mins)
Turns out IG was looking for me and walked passed me twice and didnt even notice lol
Got home, ordered in and I promptly fell asleep.
Memory Foam..
OMG I had the best sleep in some time.. I did not hurt whenI woke up. At all!!
YAY ME!
In other news... IG now knows about this Blog.
IG, while you are reading past entries, just know that those are heat of the moment feelings and things have progressed since then...
My blogging is for talking out loud. :)
So Enjoy.
I must say the first weekend I was "off" not use to having someone else in my apt, let alone living here part time.
Second weekend went much better! I've relaxed somewhat and actually looked forward to seeing this weekend.
In addition to that IG has NEVER been to IKEA!!!! OMG. I thought his head might explode from shear excitement and all the possibilities there are to create from IKEA. He had to tell me several times, that "we do not have an IKEA on the island, so this is exciting".... fair enough.
3 hours later, yes still in Ikea after a full day for both of us... he worked all day with no lunch break (surprised he wasnt super bitchy from lack of food, but he's a trooper) myself I had lost steam from the beer high i was on earlier...
Earlier in the day, I broke down, and went and bought the memory foam for my bed.
(I may be eating noodles for the next two weeks.. so the bills will get paid later in the month than on time)
This was muchly need otherwise a more bitchy me was surfacing much faster than I like... anyways.. off topic..
I went out with a new friend I met on the island. Brian. We have mutual friends and hes a good guy... so while shopping he mentions oh-so-casually, its his birthday.. TODAY!.
well shit. I call a few other friends we have in common and we take Brian out for lunch. A few beers later, I'm drunk, the canucks game has started and IG is arriving home and I'm hyper. HYPER!.. Off to ikea.
I lost my steam, and ended up sitting in a chair in a display and took a power nap.(maybe 5 mins)
Turns out IG was looking for me and walked passed me twice and didnt even notice lol
Got home, ordered in and I promptly fell asleep.
Memory Foam..
OMG I had the best sleep in some time.. I did not hurt whenI woke up. At all!!
YAY ME!
In other news... IG now knows about this Blog.
IG, while you are reading past entries, just know that those are heat of the moment feelings and things have progressed since then...
My blogging is for talking out loud. :)
So Enjoy.
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