.....is my new title in life apparently.
Another b/f from the past has surfaced with issues of his past with me haunting him. Sort of.
The only difference with this one, is when he is in an exclusive relationship, he cuts all ties with old g/f's etc. I respect him for that.
I received a call from him today, the first time in over a year, to call him as he had a question to ask about the last conversation we had on facecrack chat.
As it turns out, his live in g/f was on his facecrack page(no biggie) and an old history chat of us popped up. An inappropriate conversation. Not even sure how that is possible but it did.
She is flipping out and is making arrangements to move out, like tomorrow. :(
I reassured him, the last time we chatted was well over a year ago, and that if he was single, then yes, we were being inappropriate for sure. If he was dating someone, there was no chance in hell! In the 5 years I've known him, that's been a very consistent value of his I admire. He was relieved that I could confirm this, and asked if I wouldn't mind chatting with the g/f. Of course I will. I felt so bad for him. He kept apologizing for getting me involved. :(
The old FB chat did not have time/date stamps on the conversation, the new one does.
So how an old conversation from closer to 2 years ago showed up, not sure.
I can only tell her the truth, he hasn't done anything wrong, that the chat indeed took place, just not in the time frame she thinks, and hope she believes me.
This makes me sad, cos he really wants to marry this girl. And if they break up cos I'm unable to convince her he's not having these conversations with me now, I don't know what will happen. He'll probably end whatever online/fb relationship we currently have, as almost non existence as it is. I'll have to be okay with that. At the same time, if she does break up with him, I think there is more at the heart of it. One chat from so long ago can not be the sole reason she ends their relationship.
Now I just have to make the g/f understand that.
The difference between this man and others from my past who's g/f's have said I'm a home wrecker etc.. is the others were already cheating on their spouses. This man has never. Like I said, he 95% of the time cuts ties with girls who are not his everyday friends. I like this man. If I didn't, I wouldn't care what the results were.
Granted he has a following of groupies still from being in a boys band in the 90's, but that's different. He doesn't sleep with his fans. Do not be mistaken, I was not, am not a fan. I met him from an online dating site.
I'd hate to be the reason it ends.
Not that I can really do anything about it if it does, but that is not how I want to be remembered. Oh Just Saying... ya I know her, bitch was the reason I didn't marry so and so. :(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE:
He had to delete me off fb. Sent a quick text saying sorry, hoping I'd understand.
I do, but it still sucks.
I hate it when people are so blinded by their own jealously issues. We can never be friends again as long as they're together, cos she's afraid. That blows. But... kudos to him for respecting her wishes... :(
Hate it when the good guy loses
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Monday, 30 May 2011
Offically Exhausted.
It's been an exhausting 48 hours since learning about LC's latest event.
I'm tired. I've read more government websites about domestic abuse than I ever thought possible.
In a very short amount of time, I've learned a lot. I've done what I can. I can not do any more. LC has been sent the information I found. The rest is up to her. I put the ducks in a row for her. I'll be here as long as she needs me to lean on. After that, we'll see where we stand. The motto about leaving an abusive relationship is: It's a process, not an event. There are even steps to follow in how to leave a relationship safely. Which actually makes sense as this does take more time depending on each individual situation.
I want to thank all of you who messaged me on the comments or sent me private messages at justsaying1 (at) that hot mail dot CA place or chatted in person. It all helped. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
I noticed was how many mentioned at some point what an "amazing" friend I am. I, personally do not think so. I'm not doing anything over and above that I'd wouldn't do for anyone else who needed my help. I find it a little uncomfortable and undeserving.
I have a tone of stuff running around in my head, some to do with LC and the rest is just my stuff, none of which is a coherent thought at the moment. My head hurts with all of it just running amuck. Haven't had to think about so much in a short time frame, no wonder I have a headache from hell. lol
Okay I'm rambling. I'm going to sign off and hopefully the next few posts will not be pertaining to LC. I will keep you informed with short updates, not novels of any changes that occur.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart to all those for coming forward and sharing your experiences, personal or not.
Nighty night. xo
I'm tired. I've read more government websites about domestic abuse than I ever thought possible.
In a very short amount of time, I've learned a lot. I've done what I can. I can not do any more. LC has been sent the information I found. The rest is up to her. I put the ducks in a row for her. I'll be here as long as she needs me to lean on. After that, we'll see where we stand. The motto about leaving an abusive relationship is: It's a process, not an event. There are even steps to follow in how to leave a relationship safely. Which actually makes sense as this does take more time depending on each individual situation.
I want to thank all of you who messaged me on the comments or sent me private messages at justsaying1 (at) that hot mail dot CA place or chatted in person. It all helped. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
I noticed was how many mentioned at some point what an "amazing" friend I am. I, personally do not think so. I'm not doing anything over and above that I'd wouldn't do for anyone else who needed my help. I find it a little uncomfortable and undeserving.
I have a tone of stuff running around in my head, some to do with LC and the rest is just my stuff, none of which is a coherent thought at the moment. My head hurts with all of it just running amuck. Haven't had to think about so much in a short time frame, no wonder I have a headache from hell. lol
Okay I'm rambling. I'm going to sign off and hopefully the next few posts will not be pertaining to LC. I will keep you informed with short updates, not novels of any changes that occur.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart to all those for coming forward and sharing your experiences, personal or not.
Nighty night. xo
Abusive Information links & Phone Numbers.
overcoming abuse and leaving is a link I found from the Province LC lives in.
I'm putting together some links for her to read. This link I've provided you reads like a text book of her current situation.
I've got the name and phone number of 3 local shelters in her area. I'll be calling them tonight.
I've forwarded all this to her and asked her to read it when jerk face isn't home. And to safe the infor in several places in case he gets access to her email or facebook. I've forwarded it to her sister too. In case she chooses not to contact me.
As soon as I learn where she works, I'll be informing her employer too. Thinking hard on this one, cos although as her boss he/she has a responsibility to protect their staff... or you'd think so... it's a very small town and gossip travels quickly and although this person might be her boss, this person also be friends with her ex. Once I learn more about her position at work and who she's close too etc, I'll track that person down and send them some infor.
I don't want to stir the pot more or poke the bear, I just want her to be safe and know there are people willing to help. Even if she is feeling helpless and defeated.
Input... GO.
I'm putting together some links for her to read. This link I've provided you reads like a text book of her current situation.
I've got the name and phone number of 3 local shelters in her area. I'll be calling them tonight.
I've forwarded all this to her and asked her to read it when jerk face isn't home. And to safe the infor in several places in case he gets access to her email or facebook. I've forwarded it to her sister too. In case she chooses not to contact me.
As soon as I learn where she works, I'll be informing her employer too. Thinking hard on this one, cos although as her boss he/she has a responsibility to protect their staff... or you'd think so... it's a very small town and gossip travels quickly and although this person might be her boss, this person also be friends with her ex. Once I learn more about her position at work and who she's close too etc, I'll track that person down and send them some infor.
I don't want to stir the pot more or poke the bear, I just want her to be safe and know there are people willing to help. Even if she is feeling helpless and defeated.
Input... GO.
New Title to Replace the Old.
Edit:
LC update (old house guest).. this title, and post, for whatever reason has received the MOST amount of views over ALL OTHER POSTS!!! by the hundreds... This post isn't anything special. Or indicates what it's about.. which leaves me to suspect that LC herself has been obsessing over this entry. Or any others she's discovered. Hi, hope you're learning about your pattern from reading it, repeatedly.
When I go back and read over entries I've written about LC. I get mad, and then almost have to shake my head.. cos it was all a waste. Considering she is sleeping with the monster who hit her...again. THe power to change, and leave, and NEVER put yourself in that position is in your power. Instead, you crawl back into his bed,..... and I had to find out thru one of his friends. Who also informed me of the shit he says about you... yet, you don't leave. Money, the kids as excuses. are bullshit. You have the family and support system.. use them or shut up. Can't feel sorry or be worried for you when you have all the means at your disposal, and you run further into the fire.
I do not even know what to think.
She is behaving like every battered woman hiding the fact her spouse beats her.
Emailed her this morning asking her to call me and let me know the status of everything.
Me to her:
I called the house and left a message although not detailed, other than to have you call me back. Any word on the shelter/income housing? Call me when you get a chance let me know how the process is. How are you? Your jaw? Bruising ?
FYI remember to sign off properly from all your sites. facebook , hotmail etc.. closing the browser does not log you off. Hence you finding Jason's emails.
Be safe. xo..
Her Reply:
LC update (old house guest).. this title, and post, for whatever reason has received the MOST amount of views over ALL OTHER POSTS!!! by the hundreds... This post isn't anything special. Or indicates what it's about.. which leaves me to suspect that LC herself has been obsessing over this entry. Or any others she's discovered. Hi, hope you're learning about your pattern from reading it, repeatedly.
When I go back and read over entries I've written about LC. I get mad, and then almost have to shake my head.. cos it was all a waste. Considering she is sleeping with the monster who hit her...again. THe power to change, and leave, and NEVER put yourself in that position is in your power. Instead, you crawl back into his bed,..... and I had to find out thru one of his friends. Who also informed me of the shit he says about you... yet, you don't leave. Money, the kids as excuses. are bullshit. You have the family and support system.. use them or shut up. Can't feel sorry or be worried for you when you have all the means at your disposal, and you run further into the fire.
I do not even know what to think.
She is behaving like every battered woman hiding the fact her spouse beats her.
Emailed her this morning asking her to call me and let me know the status of everything.
Me to her:
I called the house and left a message although not detailed, other than to have you call me back. Any word on the shelter/income housing? Call me when you get a chance let me know how the process is. How are you? Your jaw? Bruising ?
FYI remember to sign off properly from all your sites. facebook , hotmail etc.. closing the browser does not log you off. Hence you finding Jason's emails.
Be safe. xo..
Her Reply:
I'm ok, we had a good talk and all is fine. We definitely have a lot of shit to work out but it's all ok now. Don't worry
Me:
...til the next time.
You can't ask me not to worry. I trust him less than I did before and that was non existent. Continue to be safe and hope you guys can work out being civil (him) and mean it...
I wanted to remind her I meant what I said before, should it happen again. Though I didn't cos I'm afraid if it did, she wouldn't tell me. Going to continue moving forward and enquire with the ministry if there is anything I can do, or at least get all the ducks in a row should it happen again. I'll know how to advise her with phone numbers ready to go, emergency shelters, church's etc where she can run too. Worry about the kids after you get safe. He won't physically hurt them. He's already destroyed them with his mind games.(he tells the kids awful untrue things).
I really hate this say this, but I see a future for her without access to her kids, cos he can and in a matter of time, will prevent her from having anything to do with them, just to spite her, cos he can. And there isn't going to be a damn thing she can do. Other than accept it.
I know how horrible and harsh I sound right now, but that is the reality of it. I do not have children, that doesn't make me non-maternal. I know how hard it is to not be with your kids. But if your kids are being brain washed to hate you? Then what? What do you do? How do you cope? Can you even? Do you stay and take a beating so you can be close to kids who apparently despise you?
Kills me that I can not fix this and that she is choosing to stay. She fell for his apology or so it seems. Can lead her to fantastic shoes, can't make her wear them.
Infuriating.
Need some input.
Feeling truly helpless is new to me. Is there more I can be doing?
You can't ask me not to worry. I trust him less than I did before and that was non existent. Continue to be safe and hope you guys can work out being civil (him) and mean it...
I wanted to remind her I meant what I said before, should it happen again. Though I didn't cos I'm afraid if it did, she wouldn't tell me. Going to continue moving forward and enquire with the ministry if there is anything I can do, or at least get all the ducks in a row should it happen again. I'll know how to advise her with phone numbers ready to go, emergency shelters, church's etc where she can run too. Worry about the kids after you get safe. He won't physically hurt them. He's already destroyed them with his mind games.(he tells the kids awful untrue things).
I really hate this say this, but I see a future for her without access to her kids, cos he can and in a matter of time, will prevent her from having anything to do with them, just to spite her, cos he can. And there isn't going to be a damn thing she can do. Other than accept it.
I know how horrible and harsh I sound right now, but that is the reality of it. I do not have children, that doesn't make me non-maternal. I know how hard it is to not be with your kids. But if your kids are being brain washed to hate you? Then what? What do you do? How do you cope? Can you even? Do you stay and take a beating so you can be close to kids who apparently despise you?
Kills me that I can not fix this and that she is choosing to stay. She fell for his apology or so it seems. Can lead her to fantastic shoes, can't make her wear them.
Infuriating.
Need some input.
Feeling truly helpless is new to me. Is there more I can be doing?
11 Years Today
...you passed away. There isn't a day where I don't think about you at some point in the day. Even if it's a split second imagine in my head. You're there.
There are times when it feels like weeks, and other times it feels much longer than it has been, that I was robbed of your life.
I lost all faith in religion when your time was up. Hated the universe for a very long time.
It's only been in the last few years I'm starting to feel a new normal. A new me. A grown, matured me.
Squeak and I talk still, almost every day. She is holding up her end of the bargain to always be there for me. And I'm so ever thankful for that. She has been a wonderful confidant. Though she is getting more quirky in her old age. lol. She can still drink sailors under the table. She misses you. More than I could imagine. You two had a kindred connection, the way LC and I do.
I'm sure you're aware of LC's stress as of late. Keep an eye on her. Give her that silent voice, fire in the belly that gives her strength to be strong and separate emotion from the reality that has become her life, just long enough for her to do the right thing, before her life is taken from her.
BTW, I know when you visit. Always have, so you can stop being sneaky about it. ;-)
My hands smell like your cigarettes from time to time. Other people can smell it on me. It's those times I know you're checking in on me. I'm okay. I've embraced being the sensitive one. I miss you so much it's painful at times. However I learn from it daily.
I tried to be the glue to keep the family together, but the siblings had their own agenda. Very recently, we're all making the effort to rebuild a rapport. I took a break from trying or even caring for a few years. You'll be happy to know family back east has never skipped a beat at making me feel like family. Telling me they love me. Call for no reason. Send postcards with little notes, just because. I'm making the effort to get on a plane this fall and spend some time there. Do not worry, we'll be making the drive to the family plot and drinking some champagne and plant some flowers where you were spread out. I'll try not to have the bottle explode this time when I crack it open over Nanny's tombstone. Drinks for everyone! ;-)
I'm sure you're having a blast. Now that you have Dad, Nanny, Grandpa, Eric, Art, May and now George with you. Stay out of trouble okay? I know how you are when the group of you guys get together. ;-)
Although I can not drink til October/November, I'll employ Squeak to have a few glasses of wine over a phone call tonight for me. :)
Though the tradition of printing this letter out and burning it, so the ashes can find you, so you can read it, still exists in my mind, it's not possible to do, as I'd probably get arrested or something.
Still in my heart.
Love Sami.
xo
There are times when it feels like weeks, and other times it feels much longer than it has been, that I was robbed of your life.
I lost all faith in religion when your time was up. Hated the universe for a very long time.
It's only been in the last few years I'm starting to feel a new normal. A new me. A grown, matured me.
Squeak and I talk still, almost every day. She is holding up her end of the bargain to always be there for me. And I'm so ever thankful for that. She has been a wonderful confidant. Though she is getting more quirky in her old age. lol. She can still drink sailors under the table. She misses you. More than I could imagine. You two had a kindred connection, the way LC and I do.
I'm sure you're aware of LC's stress as of late. Keep an eye on her. Give her that silent voice, fire in the belly that gives her strength to be strong and separate emotion from the reality that has become her life, just long enough for her to do the right thing, before her life is taken from her.
BTW, I know when you visit. Always have, so you can stop being sneaky about it. ;-)
My hands smell like your cigarettes from time to time. Other people can smell it on me. It's those times I know you're checking in on me. I'm okay. I've embraced being the sensitive one. I miss you so much it's painful at times. However I learn from it daily.
I tried to be the glue to keep the family together, but the siblings had their own agenda. Very recently, we're all making the effort to rebuild a rapport. I took a break from trying or even caring for a few years. You'll be happy to know family back east has never skipped a beat at making me feel like family. Telling me they love me. Call for no reason. Send postcards with little notes, just because. I'm making the effort to get on a plane this fall and spend some time there. Do not worry, we'll be making the drive to the family plot and drinking some champagne and plant some flowers where you were spread out. I'll try not to have the bottle explode this time when I crack it open over Nanny's tombstone. Drinks for everyone! ;-)
I'm sure you're having a blast. Now that you have Dad, Nanny, Grandpa, Eric, Art, May and now George with you. Stay out of trouble okay? I know how you are when the group of you guys get together. ;-)
Although I can not drink til October/November, I'll employ Squeak to have a few glasses of wine over a phone call tonight for me. :)
Though the tradition of printing this letter out and burning it, so the ashes can find you, so you can read it, still exists in my mind, it's not possible to do, as I'd probably get arrested or something.
Still in my heart.
Love Sami.
xo
Happier Notes - Museum Update
Took a shift at the museum on Sunday to help with the Heritage House Tour that occurs in that city once a year. All heritage houses can register to be in it etc, then of course the museum/house I volunteer at, is one of them.
What a blast!
Got paired up with a great guide. (one volunteer for every one costumed guide)
To see people of all ages get excited about the facts we told them about the house, the research we're doing on wall paper, renovations we've done, and what year the museum is hoping to choose to make the house consistent throughout. Right now it's a mishmash of 1865, 1903, 1913, and 1950. Chatting with people who's grandparents were alive when this house was still very much part of the social status (1865-1930's)
It made me feel good to see the work we do behind the scenes and how it connects to the house and the educational programming. I told the curator, upon my return, I wouldn't be completely against alternating between the curatorial dept and being a guide... yes even in costume. (ugh I'd have to work with crazy c though - she's the costume coordinator = power trip. hence why most the house staff hate her).
The curator (who will now be known as RJM moving forward) and I got some time to chat throughout the hours I was in the house, (we saw roughly 200-300 people take our tour in my 4.5 hours there - 800 in 9 hours is normal) Lots of joking. It was nice. It was the most relaxed I think I've ever seen him. He made a point of mentioning that he'll give me his personal contact infor etc, and add me to facebook to stay in touch. I'm surprised. Most people say, ya ya lets stay in touch, when they leave a job etc and never do. A few of the younger guides were giving me the happy eyes, cos everyone loves him. I can only imagine I'm fitting in better with him over others due to our age and the fact I'm friggin NORMAL!.
Couldn't help hear the hum of guides (paid or volunteers) talking softly that many of them are considering leaving when he's gone, if the newbie doesn't have the same love and enthusiasm for everything the way the RJM does. Awwww feeling the love? Bittersweet moment for him. :)
In short, it was a great day all around.
I'm still up in the air about continuing my volunteer-ship in November. If there is no curator on staff, I won't return, solely cos the current manager is a joke. Nice older man, but a joke when it comes to his position. There will be a very high turn over of people if he doesn't step up or get another curator in there asap. Btw the city job site does not have a listing for his position posted. :(
How was your weekend?
What a blast!
Got paired up with a great guide. (one volunteer for every one costumed guide)
To see people of all ages get excited about the facts we told them about the house, the research we're doing on wall paper, renovations we've done, and what year the museum is hoping to choose to make the house consistent throughout. Right now it's a mishmash of 1865, 1903, 1913, and 1950. Chatting with people who's grandparents were alive when this house was still very much part of the social status (1865-1930's)
It made me feel good to see the work we do behind the scenes and how it connects to the house and the educational programming. I told the curator, upon my return, I wouldn't be completely against alternating between the curatorial dept and being a guide... yes even in costume. (ugh I'd have to work with crazy c though - she's the costume coordinator = power trip. hence why most the house staff hate her).
The curator (who will now be known as RJM moving forward) and I got some time to chat throughout the hours I was in the house, (we saw roughly 200-300 people take our tour in my 4.5 hours there - 800 in 9 hours is normal) Lots of joking. It was nice. It was the most relaxed I think I've ever seen him. He made a point of mentioning that he'll give me his personal contact infor etc, and add me to facebook to stay in touch. I'm surprised. Most people say, ya ya lets stay in touch, when they leave a job etc and never do. A few of the younger guides were giving me the happy eyes, cos everyone loves him. I can only imagine I'm fitting in better with him over others due to our age and the fact I'm friggin NORMAL!.
Couldn't help hear the hum of guides (paid or volunteers) talking softly that many of them are considering leaving when he's gone, if the newbie doesn't have the same love and enthusiasm for everything the way the RJM does. Awwww feeling the love? Bittersweet moment for him. :)
In short, it was a great day all around.
I'm still up in the air about continuing my volunteer-ship in November. If there is no curator on staff, I won't return, solely cos the current manager is a joke. Nice older man, but a joke when it comes to his position. There will be a very high turn over of people if he doesn't step up or get another curator in there asap. Btw the city job site does not have a listing for his position posted. :(
How was your weekend?
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Old House Guest - Abuse.
November 09 my best friend finally decided to leave a 13 yr long abusive relationship. We made plans for her to move in with me and move forward. Knowing things wouldn't be all smooth, cos well, she was leaving her kids behind.
We had a bunch of issues after a few months with her taking advantage of our arrangements. From her being unemployed and her unemployed b/f being here more often than not. In short I felt she was taking a break from life, adulthood and her responsibilities in life.
You can read about the about it here:
friendship obligations
oxymoron
dysfunctional
A few days ago, while sitting at work I wrote shut up brain or I'll poke you with a Q-tip as it mentions, I had an overwhelming feeling she wasn't okay and I emailed her.
She wasn't okay. She even mentioned it was funny how I knew when to check on her etc.
Whilst I've always known we would be friends again one day, THIS is not the circumstances it should begin with. I had a horrible sleep last night. Not completely unusual when someone close to me isn't well. I never know it at the time, til it's pieced together soon after waking. Today was one of those days.
LC emailed me this morning with this....
We had a bunch of issues after a few months with her taking advantage of our arrangements. From her being unemployed and her unemployed b/f being here more often than not. In short I felt she was taking a break from life, adulthood and her responsibilities in life.
You can read about the about it here:
friendship obligations
oxymoron
dysfunctional
A few days ago, while sitting at work I wrote shut up brain or I'll poke you with a Q-tip as it mentions, I had an overwhelming feeling she wasn't okay and I emailed her.
She wasn't okay. She even mentioned it was funny how I knew when to check on her etc.
Whilst I've always known we would be friends again one day, THIS is not the circumstances it should begin with. I had a horrible sleep last night. Not completely unusual when someone close to me isn't well. I never know it at the time, til it's pieced together soon after waking. Today was one of those days.
LC emailed me this morning with this....
Hi there...remember how you used to say that one day he's going to hurt me and I would always say "nah"? Well you were right. Dislocated jaw last night at 4 in the morning and a few bumps and bruises minor concussion. Fun. I AM all right. I will continue to be all right. I just thought you should know. Another I told you so moment. haha
Let me be perfectly clear here, the "haha" she writes are not the funny haha type, she isn't making light of this, just trying to be strong, knowing I will call her out on it. Until now, she never in a million years thought he'd lay a hand on her. Sure he shoved her, locked her in bathrooms etc even managed to push her down some stairs once, but the way he did it, you couldn't argue she "might" have tripped... the kicker, he stood there and laughed at her in a sinister way. Right there. That was the moment I knew he was capable of so.much.more.
I called her. We talked for over an hour. Whatever shit we have going on right now is so back seat. We have much bigger fish to fry.
While at the hospital, she lied to the doctors that she slipped. She couldn't tell them her ex, who she still shares a house with, provoke her to slap him and he close fist punched her, laid her out in return... cos well the kids would be taken out of the house,(who were home btw sleeping, only one claims to have heard it all) and she wouldn't be let back there, as "she started it". Even though it was a very callus calculated move on his part.
I'm ok..just sore, tired, and mad as hell. It's ok though, I'll be alright. I'm going to see some people Monday about low-income housing and move out. We actually had been getting along pretty good for the last year but I guess people never really change and aren't I the stupid one? I won't press charges, told the people at the hospital I slipped cause I don't wanna get the kids involved. I can handle this.. not sure how, but I will.
Understandably she is devastated. Now sure how she will handle it.
What started it you ask? She found an email (probably snooping - not the point) he wrote just the week before about how much disdain he has for her. All these years I've suggested he actually hated her. Hated women in general. Now it's been confirmed.
We talked a lot.
Actually she talked, I listened. Without sharing more than I already have, I can say I'm very proud of her. She's discovered a lot. Learned a lot. She even mentioned she's enquiring about seeing a shrink. I've strongly suggested for years that it would be a good thing to have professional, unbias help. And that medication wasn't out of the question. Not that she really needs it, but it has been suggested before. She agreed.
Monday is the earliest she can call about moving into a local women's shelter for single mum's. She has to have a place to live before the kids visit her. Otherwise she would have already just move out etc...
When she was too exhausted to talk anymore, more so cos her jaw really hurt. Realizing she might end up with a very obvious bruise and won't be able to hide the fact that the abusive relationship they'd been having (emotional, financial, verbal) is now a physical one. I think she's more upset with herself for ever letting it get this far and the fact that all of her friends have been right, all this time.
She'd like to think this will not happen again. I am positive it will. Now that he's got a taste for it and she didn't press charges? What's to stop him?
Should he lay another hand on her:
1) he will not survived another 24 hours on this planet alive. (that's my first reaction)
2) I'll call the ministry myself and have the kids removed from the house. I'll deal with the consquences of that later.
I told her that I would 100% do this, and the simple fact she didn't argue it, even as exhausted and battered as she was, means she agrees with my decision.
Maybe this is one of those things her friends have to do for her, cos even as strong, stuborn, and stupid as she can be, this is one thing she isn't strong enough to do on her own?
For all the years I've known her and dealt with his bullshit, this is the first time I'm genuinely afraid for her life. Really afraid. There's a very tangible chance that next time the hit will be too hard and she won't get up to fight back.
I do not know how much she is capable of taking. Kids or not, the first time a man ever thought about putting his hands on me, I would leave.
It's infuriating why she wont.
Granted, she grew up in foster care from age 12-18 and knows the system better than anyone. Her reasons for being in the system were not from an abusive home, she was too rowdy, though now has a great relationship with her Dad. I can understand that she doesn't want the kids having the life she did, but can this be any better?
Should he hit her again, does anyone know if I can press charges against him? 1) I'm not there 2) it's happening in the neighbouring province.
I'm exhausted. I want to help. I'll call the ministry on Monday and enquire what I can do. I'll speak with my aunt first as she works for them and could inform me of a bit of information, what to expect etc. Cos should they ask me for personal contact infor, I want to be sure of the consequences I'll be starting as a result.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Not sure how long I'll keep this posting up.
Hug your love ones tonight.
Don't take for granted how easy our lives our compared to another's.
xo
I'm exhausted. I want to help. I'll call the ministry on Monday and enquire what I can do. I'll speak with my aunt first as she works for them and could inform me of a bit of information, what to expect etc. Cos should they ask me for personal contact infor, I want to be sure of the consequences I'll be starting as a result.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Not sure how long I'll keep this posting up.
Hug your love ones tonight.
Don't take for granted how easy our lives our compared to another's.
xo
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Engaged!
...What? Did you really think I meant myself? hahaha no.
A friend got engaged last night to his g/f of 4 years. :) They are going to have the best looking babies. Her = light skinned East Indian. Him = green eyes, blondish hair, and they both have the best teeth on the planet! Too see a picture of them together smiling, you'd think it was an ad for a dentist. Not kidding, their teeth are that perfect. They are certainly a very good looking couple.
It got me thinking, where did I go wrong? lol
Everyone around me is in a relationship on some level. I don't even have a booty call, someone to snuggle and watch movies with etc.. I could, I just refuse the people who want me, cos well, I don't like heavy drinkers and man-childs.
An ex (see first serious b/f) brought up the talk of marriage once. ONCE! And my reaction to how he brought it up was probably the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Let me explain....
His Mother and I did not get along....Even now when I see her around town, makes my skin crawl.
We were driving home after hockey practice one night, when he brought up that his mother thought we should shit or get off the pot. In her mind we were wasting time. His parents had finished university, travelled the world and had my ex by our age. This enraged me as his mum and I did not see eye too eye on many things, especially being told how I should live my life with her son. At the time I was making the money and he was in school. I blew up at him. Told him that I would tell his mum directly that while she is entitled to her opinion, it will not influence when we get married. We'll do what's best for us when the time is right for us. I would drive the point home. Shit we weren't even living together.
As it turns out, after I confronted his mum at lunch, her looking all doe eyed at me, had no idea what the hell I was talking about and that she and her husband had never discussed the idea of me and the ex getting married. We didn't even live together yet. (wow we agreed on something) Though she did express she wasn't impressed why a woman 5 years older would want to be with her son. Confused as I was only 1.5 yrs older and knowing how we came to be in the same grade when we met. We came to the conclusion that the ex was testing the waters on how I felt about marrying him.
Stupid stupid boy.
Note to all men:
When testing out how your spouse feels about spending the rest of her life with you, do not, do not use the person she doesn't like as the source for your conversation. Ugh.
I was ready to marry him 5 years into our relationship. I would have married him. And enviably we'd be divorced now. We broke up 8 years into our time together. He no longer needed my financial stability, he had finished school and landed a great job.
We're still close 13 yrs later, having explored (years ago) what went wrong so many years ago. I like to think we were each others "starter spouses". Even admits that he went about asking about marriage the way he did was wrong. (I knew he had a brain) Alas we both agreed the end result would be the same. Divorce. He married the 2nd girl after me, and I spent all these years with the Douche.
How did I get so off track?
Oh ya, I had a friggin mental breakdown after the passing of my Mum. Enter Douche Bag. This is where my connection with him is bonded. We had broken up for the first time 2 years into our relationship. He continued to be there for me when I was way down. Looking back he used my emotional weakness for his own game.
I wish I could have seen the real him all those years ago, than just 2 years ago this Xmas. Although I wouldn't have learned the things I did about myself. Found my strength again. I found me again. This doesn't stop me from thinking about him from time to time, though it reminds me I want better for myself, and that he is someone else's, bound to be, very expensive problem now.
My friend getting engaged brought all this to the surface for me. I want a relationship. I want to be married, however I won't throw myself on the ground if I don't, however I want the ring damn it. :)
I guess a good start is to stop dwelling on the past and move forward. I think I've learned all I can from my past right now as far as men are concerned. I've re-found my values and know I'll no longer put up with being treated poorly in a relationship. I think I've portrayed that with my more recent experiences with LC, Crazy C, & breaking up with The Douche, etc..
....It's all baby steps, forward. :)
A friend got engaged last night to his g/f of 4 years. :) They are going to have the best looking babies. Her = light skinned East Indian. Him = green eyes, blondish hair, and they both have the best teeth on the planet! Too see a picture of them together smiling, you'd think it was an ad for a dentist. Not kidding, their teeth are that perfect. They are certainly a very good looking couple.
It got me thinking, where did I go wrong? lol
Everyone around me is in a relationship on some level. I don't even have a booty call, someone to snuggle and watch movies with etc.. I could, I just refuse the people who want me, cos well, I don't like heavy drinkers and man-childs.
An ex (see first serious b/f) brought up the talk of marriage once. ONCE! And my reaction to how he brought it up was probably the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Let me explain....
His Mother and I did not get along....Even now when I see her around town, makes my skin crawl.
We were driving home after hockey practice one night, when he brought up that his mother thought we should shit or get off the pot. In her mind we were wasting time. His parents had finished university, travelled the world and had my ex by our age. This enraged me as his mum and I did not see eye too eye on many things, especially being told how I should live my life with her son. At the time I was making the money and he was in school. I blew up at him. Told him that I would tell his mum directly that while she is entitled to her opinion, it will not influence when we get married. We'll do what's best for us when the time is right for us. I would drive the point home. Shit we weren't even living together.
As it turns out, after I confronted his mum at lunch, her looking all doe eyed at me, had no idea what the hell I was talking about and that she and her husband had never discussed the idea of me and the ex getting married. We didn't even live together yet. (wow we agreed on something) Though she did express she wasn't impressed why a woman 5 years older would want to be with her son. Confused as I was only 1.5 yrs older and knowing how we came to be in the same grade when we met. We came to the conclusion that the ex was testing the waters on how I felt about marrying him.
Stupid stupid boy.
Note to all men:
When testing out how your spouse feels about spending the rest of her life with you, do not, do not use the person she doesn't like as the source for your conversation. Ugh.
I was ready to marry him 5 years into our relationship. I would have married him. And enviably we'd be divorced now. We broke up 8 years into our time together. He no longer needed my financial stability, he had finished school and landed a great job.
We're still close 13 yrs later, having explored (years ago) what went wrong so many years ago. I like to think we were each others "starter spouses". Even admits that he went about asking about marriage the way he did was wrong. (I knew he had a brain) Alas we both agreed the end result would be the same. Divorce. He married the 2nd girl after me, and I spent all these years with the Douche.
How did I get so off track?
Oh ya, I had a friggin mental breakdown after the passing of my Mum. Enter Douche Bag. This is where my connection with him is bonded. We had broken up for the first time 2 years into our relationship. He continued to be there for me when I was way down. Looking back he used my emotional weakness for his own game.
I wish I could have seen the real him all those years ago, than just 2 years ago this Xmas. Although I wouldn't have learned the things I did about myself. Found my strength again. I found me again. This doesn't stop me from thinking about him from time to time, though it reminds me I want better for myself, and that he is someone else's, bound to be, very expensive problem now.
My friend getting engaged brought all this to the surface for me. I want a relationship. I want to be married, however I won't throw myself on the ground if I don't, however I want the ring damn it. :)
I guess a good start is to stop dwelling on the past and move forward. I think I've learned all I can from my past right now as far as men are concerned. I've re-found my values and know I'll no longer put up with being treated poorly in a relationship. I think I've portrayed that with my more recent experiences with LC, Crazy C, & breaking up with The Douche, etc..
....It's all baby steps, forward. :)
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Museum Crazy C
I picked up a shift at the museum this coming Sunday for a few hours. No biggie. It will be nice to see everyone, and my shift is in the house as part of the hertiage house tours. :) Fun.
I've been talking to the curator a little this past week, and good thing too, cos as it turns out, his Good Bye Potluck has been rescheduled from this Friday to next Wednesday. I wasn't aware, no emails were sent to me. :(
There is good reason for that we discovered.
Enter Crazy C.
She is now in charge of organizing the potluck. As it turns out she has deliberately
left a certain few volunteers off the emails. 6 to be exact. Only discovered when the curator reviewed the CC portion of the emails. I missed 3 updates (re: food allergies etc).
I was bcc'd on an email he sent her asking why she'd left person's A-F off the new emails. She informed him we no longer work there and therefore shouldn't be invited nor informed of any changes. (with an underlying snide tone of snottiness and rudeness of how he dare question her) The short of it is, he instructed her to forward all emails to all volunteers, that it wasn't in her position to make those decisions, cc'd her boss, & bcc'd me on it. (first unprofessional thing I've ever seen him do).
It seems now that he's not going to be working aside Crazy C anymore, he's not humouring her. I love that the management there just reconfirms I'm not losing my mind when it comes to the snide things she'd do. If she's not careful she will shoot herself in the foot etc.
We covered some other topics, some work, some not. He will ensure I'm well received back to the museum in November etc, but I think we both know I won't be returning on a regular basis.
I don't have much more to write about. Everything is just meh right now. Hoping that changes in the coming weeks.
How was your long weekend?
I've been talking to the curator a little this past week, and good thing too, cos as it turns out, his Good Bye Potluck has been rescheduled from this Friday to next Wednesday. I wasn't aware, no emails were sent to me. :(
There is good reason for that we discovered.
Enter Crazy C.
She is now in charge of organizing the potluck. As it turns out she has deliberately
left a certain few volunteers off the emails. 6 to be exact. Only discovered when the curator reviewed the CC portion of the emails. I missed 3 updates (re: food allergies etc).
I was bcc'd on an email he sent her asking why she'd left person's A-F off the new emails. She informed him we no longer work there and therefore shouldn't be invited nor informed of any changes. (with an underlying snide tone of snottiness and rudeness of how he dare question her) The short of it is, he instructed her to forward all emails to all volunteers, that it wasn't in her position to make those decisions, cc'd her boss, & bcc'd me on it. (first unprofessional thing I've ever seen him do).
It seems now that he's not going to be working aside Crazy C anymore, he's not humouring her. I love that the management there just reconfirms I'm not losing my mind when it comes to the snide things she'd do. If she's not careful she will shoot herself in the foot etc.
We covered some other topics, some work, some not. He will ensure I'm well received back to the museum in November etc, but I think we both know I won't be returning on a regular basis.
I don't have much more to write about. Everything is just meh right now. Hoping that changes in the coming weeks.
How was your long weekend?
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Shut up brain...Or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip.
The end of this month will be 11 years since my Mum passed away; 6 years this past February was my Dad's anniversary. At times it feels like it's been months, other times, years. Most anniversaries that pass, I share their favorite bottle of wine and shop for something selfish or drink a 6 pack of beer, & play solitaire with real cards and reflect on many things. Others, thankfully not often, there are times when it passes almost like any other day. Then there are milestone years. No rhyme or reason as to when and why I'm sadder some years over others. This year, sad, for both. Even sad for those I don't know, when I hear about loss in their lives, makes me tear up. Even empathy for TV characters going thru shit.
I'm 39 next month and think I might actually be having a mini midlife crisis. Instead of wondering when I'll have the things I want (spouse/husband/better job, relationship with my siblings etc) I find myself starting to prepare myself for a life alone.
Last Tuesday when I cut my hand, I called 3 friends first to see if one of them could drive me to the hospital rather than taking a taxi. One was in a conference, one didn't answer the phone (and still have yet to call back even with a detailed voicemail/text), the third one simply said No. Funny the one that said no, was the one that lived the closest. Her reason, they had just settled in for the night to watch a movie. Her other reason, if the cut was serious enough, just call 911.
Bitch.
It's things like that, that make me realize that I still have people in my life I shouldn't, and that maybe I don't have the friends I thought I did. Maybe I'm more alone than I thought. I've invested in people more than they've invested in me. I'm still having one-way friendships. At least that's how it feels. I know people come and go, but maybe, maybe I'm not all that likable. Ya I'm feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment, but come on, I was bleeding (see gushing at first) every where, freaking out a little... no one came to help. Not knowing at the time that it wasn't all that serious, though so.not.the.point... What if it had been serious and I had been one of those people who faints at the site of blood???
I've been independent for so long and have had a problem letting people in in the past, but this struck a cord with me. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my friends, no matter how silly or small the issue or task at hand. No pun intended. Though I'm deleting phone numbers and people off facebook with more frequency. In the convenient world of technology, instant communication, people being glued to their cell phones, and data plans, actions still speak louder than words. And the actions have not been good.
Am I a friendship snob? Do I expect too much or do I simply have the morals and principles of a different life time?
I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on all of it. There is something to learn from everything. Right? Maybe it's still an adjustment period of having new people in my life.
I spoke with my old house guest two weeks ago. By email. I was at work when the overwhelming vibe to check on her. I'm sure I've mentioned in the past we have a kindred connection. We just know when the other is distressed. Not just having a bad day, but really distressed. So I sent her an email, saying just that. "Had an overwhelming urge to check on you. Just let me know you're okay...." She replied a couple days later, "It's funny how you always know when to check on me. Thing are ok, just okay. I'll write more later when I can explain".
Ran it past Elizabeth Singleton, although she thought it was a bad idea to email her in the first place, she stood by my decision. When LC replied again explaining that life was still shit, but was trying to make the best of it with some other details. Over all it was a couple sentences. I decided not to reply with any more questions, she really did not give me anything to reply too. I replied with a short, "ok, thanks for letting me know you're okay." Nothing more. I did not mention it earlier cos I wasn't sure I was going to write about it at all and simply did not want too.
I do see us being friends again much later in life. Right now, I cannot be there for her until she gets her life in order. Not much of a friend? As long as people are around to "support her" we are essentially enabling her to continue taking advantage of us. She has to realize on her own, that no matter how shitty her life has been for the last 13 yrs, she is responsible for her own choices and consequences. I doubt she will contact me again until she can be the friend she should have been.
Accutane update:
Got my recent blood work back and it wasn't good. My bad cholesterol levels spiked considerably. It started off at the high end of normal, which was 2.3. Now it's 5.3.
Not good at all.
I was hoping to increase the mg's from 80 to 120 for the reminder of the cycle; instead we decreased it to 40 mg's from 80. I have one month to lower my levels or I'll have to be taken off the accutane and put on a cholesterol lowering medication temporarily to help lower the levels if I'm unable to do it myself.
Thankfully it's as simple as really being more diligent with my diet. No "fatty foods" while on accutane. Red meats, dairy (bye bye lattes) cheese, etc. all have to be fairly limited. I have to start walking. You're not suppose to work out while taking this, due to the ability to properly sweat and the aches and pains that follow etc, but walking isn't really exercising. I have to stop being 100% sedentary.
Lately I feel like I'm a mega Debbie Downer.
I'm really not. I'm a fairly happy person. I tend to use this blog to vent so not to bother friends with it, rather than sharing the funny, stupid, dorky things more often. Going to make more effort to change up this blog to something more positive. Even I can only read so much woes it me.
Very long story short; I'm missing something that will make me more whole. I like myself and my life for the most part. I'd like myself more if I was more financially stable. Not rich, just more stable, I think I would have more confidence and a little less stress about material things, clothes, car, outtings, holidays etc. Hence I really need to upgrade my skills.
I'm 39 next month and think I might actually be having a mini midlife crisis. Instead of wondering when I'll have the things I want (spouse/husband/better job, relationship with my siblings etc) I find myself starting to prepare myself for a life alone.
Last Tuesday when I cut my hand, I called 3 friends first to see if one of them could drive me to the hospital rather than taking a taxi. One was in a conference, one didn't answer the phone (and still have yet to call back even with a detailed voicemail/text), the third one simply said No. Funny the one that said no, was the one that lived the closest. Her reason, they had just settled in for the night to watch a movie. Her other reason, if the cut was serious enough, just call 911.
Bitch.
It's things like that, that make me realize that I still have people in my life I shouldn't, and that maybe I don't have the friends I thought I did. Maybe I'm more alone than I thought. I've invested in people more than they've invested in me. I'm still having one-way friendships. At least that's how it feels. I know people come and go, but maybe, maybe I'm not all that likable. Ya I'm feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment, but come on, I was bleeding (see gushing at first) every where, freaking out a little... no one came to help. Not knowing at the time that it wasn't all that serious, though so.not.the.point... What if it had been serious and I had been one of those people who faints at the site of blood???
I've been independent for so long and have had a problem letting people in in the past, but this struck a cord with me. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my friends, no matter how silly or small the issue or task at hand. No pun intended. Though I'm deleting phone numbers and people off facebook with more frequency. In the convenient world of technology, instant communication, people being glued to their cell phones, and data plans, actions still speak louder than words. And the actions have not been good.
Am I a friendship snob? Do I expect too much or do I simply have the morals and principles of a different life time?
I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on all of it. There is something to learn from everything. Right? Maybe it's still an adjustment period of having new people in my life.
I spoke with my old house guest two weeks ago. By email. I was at work when the overwhelming vibe to check on her. I'm sure I've mentioned in the past we have a kindred connection. We just know when the other is distressed. Not just having a bad day, but really distressed. So I sent her an email, saying just that. "Had an overwhelming urge to check on you. Just let me know you're okay...." She replied a couple days later, "It's funny how you always know when to check on me. Thing are ok, just okay. I'll write more later when I can explain".
Ran it past Elizabeth Singleton, although she thought it was a bad idea to email her in the first place, she stood by my decision. When LC replied again explaining that life was still shit, but was trying to make the best of it with some other details. Over all it was a couple sentences. I decided not to reply with any more questions, she really did not give me anything to reply too. I replied with a short, "ok, thanks for letting me know you're okay." Nothing more. I did not mention it earlier cos I wasn't sure I was going to write about it at all and simply did not want too.
I do see us being friends again much later in life. Right now, I cannot be there for her until she gets her life in order. Not much of a friend? As long as people are around to "support her" we are essentially enabling her to continue taking advantage of us. She has to realize on her own, that no matter how shitty her life has been for the last 13 yrs, she is responsible for her own choices and consequences. I doubt she will contact me again until she can be the friend she should have been.
Accutane update:
Got my recent blood work back and it wasn't good. My bad cholesterol levels spiked considerably. It started off at the high end of normal, which was 2.3. Now it's 5.3.
Not good at all.
I was hoping to increase the mg's from 80 to 120 for the reminder of the cycle; instead we decreased it to 40 mg's from 80. I have one month to lower my levels or I'll have to be taken off the accutane and put on a cholesterol lowering medication temporarily to help lower the levels if I'm unable to do it myself.
Thankfully it's as simple as really being more diligent with my diet. No "fatty foods" while on accutane. Red meats, dairy (bye bye lattes) cheese, etc. all have to be fairly limited. I have to start walking. You're not suppose to work out while taking this, due to the ability to properly sweat and the aches and pains that follow etc, but walking isn't really exercising. I have to stop being 100% sedentary.
Lately I feel like I'm a mega Debbie Downer.
I'm really not. I'm a fairly happy person. I tend to use this blog to vent so not to bother friends with it, rather than sharing the funny, stupid, dorky things more often. Going to make more effort to change up this blog to something more positive. Even I can only read so much woes it me.
Very long story short; I'm missing something that will make me more whole. I like myself and my life for the most part. I'd like myself more if I was more financially stable. Not rich, just more stable, I think I would have more confidence and a little less stress about material things, clothes, car, outtings, holidays etc. Hence I really need to upgrade my skills.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
The Devil that Wears Prada Is A Man.
One and half more days of taking messages for the Big Boss Man at work. Yesterday I was so mad I couldn't get my thoughts together. The work wife has an amazing way of just putting it all into prospective for me. We'll leave our personal opinions out of this one, cos I'm writing this on the company browser... bad ass I know!!
He's instructed a simple task of how he likes his phone answered. Though making it impossible to execute properly. Our company superintendent is his personalhouse bitch friend., who we all love. He(superintendent) called yesterday to say he had to cancel plans for lunch with the Big Boss Man. THINKING (that was my first mistake) he'd want to talk to him, I paged him. (under strict instructions not to page him) upon his call back I advised him his lunch plans were cancelled etc.
He flipped out and ripped me another new asshole. Trying to explain to him that putting thru the last 3 calls, he was just on the phone with them and either got cut off, you told them to call back, or had lunch plans with them. So they clearly know you're here and not in a friggin meeting.
I know you're thinking, just do what he wants. It's not that simple, we're also required to read hismood mind. If I didn't put those people thru, he'd be upset and give me hell, cos he was just on the phone with them. (geez use your common sense, sigh) If I did, he gives me hell cos I didn't tell them he's in a meeting and take a message.
This is the break down of rules. Simple to follow no?
# 1 - Do not page the Big Boss Man.
# 2 - His phone is forwarded to me, so calling him is bounced back to myself.
# 3 - He only wants his messages by phone.(not by email) (see rules 1 & 2)
# 4 - Tell everyone he is in a meeting, regardless that he told them to call right back.
If you tell me to take the messages to him in person, I'll slap you. Cos he would belittle me on the spot.. "Didn't I tell you I wanted all my messages by phone!" He hasn't said that, although I can also guarantee a 99% chance he would.
Reasoning with him or explaining his logic is like talking to a petulant child made out of bricks. I now believe his assistant is worth every penny she is being paid. I'd still ask for more.
So regardless of who he is talking too, his Dad, house bitch, or the co owner of another organization, HE'S IN A MEETING!!!!... Today, I'll be holding him responsible for his own requests. "Sir, I'm following your exact instructions to advise everyone, regardless who it might be, that you're in a meeting." will likely be my response. Of course I'll try my professional best to not have a smug or sarcastic tone.
What I really want to say is. 'ANSWER YOUR OWN DAMN PHONE!!! '
He's instructed a simple task of how he likes his phone answered. Though making it impossible to execute properly. Our company superintendent is his personal
He flipped out and ripped me another new asshole. Trying to explain to him that putting thru the last 3 calls, he was just on the phone with them and either got cut off, you told them to call back, or had lunch plans with them. So they clearly know you're here and not in a friggin meeting.
I know you're thinking, just do what he wants. It's not that simple, we're also required to read his
This is the break down of rules. Simple to follow no?
# 1 - Do not page the Big Boss Man.
# 2 - His phone is forwarded to me, so calling him is bounced back to myself.
# 3 - He only wants his messages by phone.(not by email) (see rules 1 & 2)
# 4 - Tell everyone he is in a meeting, regardless that he told them to call right back.
If you tell me to take the messages to him in person, I'll slap you. Cos he would belittle me on the spot.. "Didn't I tell you I wanted all my messages by phone!" He hasn't said that, although I can also guarantee a 99% chance he would.
Reasoning with him or explaining his logic is like talking to a petulant child made out of bricks. I now believe his assistant is worth every penny she is being paid. I'd still ask for more.
So regardless of who he is talking too, his Dad, house bitch, or the co owner of another organization, HE'S IN A MEETING!!!!... Today, I'll be holding him responsible for his own requests. "Sir, I'm following your exact instructions to advise everyone, regardless who it might be, that you're in a meeting." will likely be my response. Of course I'll try my professional best to not have a smug or sarcastic tone.
What I really want to say is. 'ANSWER YOUR OWN DAMN PHONE!!! '
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
FYI - Steak knives & avocado pits do not go together.
It's really a good thing I'm so friggin cute! Right? RIGHT!
I'm not posting this story for sympathy, I'm not, it's just too shake-your-head-at-stupid.
Last night I stabbed myself. Yes you read that right. I stabbed myself. Not intentionally.
I was making myself a kick ass greek salad with avocado and crab. Everything was done except the avocado. As I stupidly choose to use the half with the pit, I took the steak knife and jabbed the pit with it. Only to have it slide off the top and stab me in the soft spot of my hand between the thumb and index finger.
Do you have any idea how much blood will come out of that area? A lot. After the cursing and a calm phone call to my sister and the nurses line, it was strongly suggested I go to emergency right away. Thinking I'd possibly hit the nerve cos I couldn't feel any of my fingers and they were blue. :(
The ER was surprisingly quick. From the time I walked in and was discharged, it was only an 1.5 hrs.
Turns out I did not damage the nerve, but gave it one hell of a good poke.Bruising is emanate. One tetanus shot, and a few stitches later, I'm good as new! :) The work wife was laughing at me today when I told her I realllllly wanted the big girl drugs. Alas I'm taking Motrin and will be taking some antibiotics for a week. I'm a wimp and really hate being in any sort of pain. Small pain is worse than a big owie..
My hand is wrapped up and it looks way worse than it is. But it hurts like a fucker when I hold things where I'm required to squeeze/grasp an item. Pens, bus handle, pill bottle. etc.
So take note my stalkers, steak knives and avocado pits do not go together. Just sayin...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boss update:-
Seriously. ....?
Entirely too angry to write about this right now, but holy shit, could you be any more difficult? I swear he does this to screw with me.
I'm not posting this story for sympathy, I'm not, it's just too shake-your-head-at-stupid.
Last night I stabbed myself. Yes you read that right. I stabbed myself. Not intentionally.
I was making myself a kick ass greek salad with avocado and crab. Everything was done except the avocado. As I stupidly choose to use the half with the pit, I took the steak knife and jabbed the pit with it. Only to have it slide off the top and stab me in the soft spot of my hand between the thumb and index finger.
Do you have any idea how much blood will come out of that area? A lot. After the cursing and a calm phone call to my sister and the nurses line, it was strongly suggested I go to emergency right away. Thinking I'd possibly hit the nerve cos I couldn't feel any of my fingers and they were blue. :(
The ER was surprisingly quick. From the time I walked in and was discharged, it was only an 1.5 hrs.
Turns out I did not damage the nerve, but gave it one hell of a good poke.Bruising is emanate. One tetanus shot, and a few stitches later, I'm good as new! :) The work wife was laughing at me today when I told her I realllllly wanted the big girl drugs. Alas I'm taking Motrin and will be taking some antibiotics for a week. I'm a wimp and really hate being in any sort of pain. Small pain is worse than a big owie..
My hand is wrapped up and it looks way worse than it is. But it hurts like a fucker when I hold things where I'm required to squeeze/grasp an item. Pens, bus handle, pill bottle. etc.
So take note my stalkers, steak knives and avocado pits do not go together. Just sayin...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boss update:-
Seriously. ....?
Entirely too angry to write about this right now, but holy shit, could you be any more difficult? I swear he does this to screw with me.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Make up your friggin mind already...
It's going to be a long week.
I'm currently covering the position assistant to the President of our Bargle Company. In short, all that means is that I screen his calls. Easy right? Or so you'd think.
He is very very specific about how you screen his calls. Normally we can get away with just asking who's calling etc, and see if he's available. The past week or two, it's gone from - 'he's not available and take a message', to 'he's in a meeting, take a message', let him know, call the caller back and advise he's not available'. Ummm... I think they got that when we took a message.
Just got my ass chewed out for putting his Father through. Not directly, but I did not do the spiel I was supposed too, it's his DAD! I mean if I did the spiel, he'd give me shit, cos it's his Dad. If I didn't, well I get in shit cos it's his dad.
Make up your mind, be consistent.
He then wants me to call him with his messages but his extension is forwarded to his assistant who isn't here and we're on strict instructions not to page him .... so, I emailed him. *sigh* no, he wants his messages over the phone. Then forward your extension to me! Normally this isn't an issue at all, but it seems he's taking great pride in being difficult this week. He causes me mild anxiety.
Needless to say, I do not envy his assistant who puts up with his mood swings on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely man ...when he wants to be. However if he doesn't like you, good luck. The work wife made a very valid observation... he reacts to his exact emotion at the time. oh yyay!
Hey! At least I've graduated from grunts to him replying "morning" without the glares in the past few months.. (I've been here 4 years)
I'm currently covering the position assistant to the President of our Bargle Company. In short, all that means is that I screen his calls. Easy right? Or so you'd think.
He is very very specific about how you screen his calls. Normally we can get away with just asking who's calling etc, and see if he's available. The past week or two, it's gone from - 'he's not available and take a message', to 'he's in a meeting, take a message', let him know, call the caller back and advise he's not available'. Ummm... I think they got that when we took a message.
Just got my ass chewed out for putting his Father through. Not directly, but I did not do the spiel I was supposed too, it's his DAD! I mean if I did the spiel, he'd give me shit, cos it's his Dad. If I didn't, well I get in shit cos it's his dad.
Make up your mind, be consistent.
He then wants me to call him with his messages but his extension is forwarded to his assistant who isn't here and we're on strict instructions not to page him .... so, I emailed him. *sigh* no, he wants his messages over the phone. Then forward your extension to me! Normally this isn't an issue at all, but it seems he's taking great pride in being difficult this week. He causes me mild anxiety.
Needless to say, I do not envy his assistant who puts up with his mood swings on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely man ...when he wants to be. However if he doesn't like you, good luck. The work wife made a very valid observation... he reacts to his exact emotion at the time. oh yyay!
Hey! At least I've graduated from grunts to him replying "morning" without the glares in the past few months.. (I've been here 4 years)
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Meh - RIP POF
I deleted my pof account. A week in and I felt more like I had to defend myself as to why I won't sleep with you on a first date, then being called a prude for it. lol
Manchild galore trying to portray themselves as grown men. Men who have no business messaging me and should have not made it thru the mail setting filters, well messaging me. Men who claim to be one age and their pictures clearly say they're much much older. Who are you trying to convince? Same with height. Why claim you're 5-10 - 6" when you're 5'6? We will notice.....
I'm done with online dating. I'll go back to meeting men theold fashion normal way. In person, thru friends, at random.
Executing my new diet plan this morning thanks to Single & Picky. It's fairly simple and I feel better knowing that, although I have to snack every few hours, the portions are so small I can do this.
Nothing much to update, just meh. There are some blog entries in the works, just waiting for them to finish running their course before I write about it.
Manchild galore trying to portray themselves as grown men. Men who have no business messaging me and should have not made it thru the mail setting filters, well messaging me. Men who claim to be one age and their pictures clearly say they're much much older. Who are you trying to convince? Same with height. Why claim you're 5-10 - 6" when you're 5'6? We will notice.....
I'm done with online dating. I'll go back to meeting men the
Executing my new diet plan this morning thanks to Single & Picky. It's fairly simple and I feel better knowing that, although I have to snack every few hours, the portions are so small I can do this.
Nothing much to update, just meh. There are some blog entries in the works, just waiting for them to finish running their course before I write about it.
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Nutritional Question - Accutane
One of the side effects of being on Accutane is nausea and lack loss of appetite. Some people, okay, most people would probably see this as a plus. I know I did.
I eat a piece of fruit in the morning with my coffee.
Lunch is by far my biggest meal of the day, and at the moment it's not much.
Examples of things I've eaten at lunch and struggled to finish most times.
* Hot dog.
* 1/4 - 1/2 box of KD.(with salmon, green onions and/or avocado's - It's rarely plain)
* One small California roll.
* 1/2 a mini Me N Ed's pizza.
* 1 Sausage roll and slice of watermelon. (this is becoming my favourite lunch/dinner meal now)
* Pear with prosciutto.
* Cereal.
* A lot more soups. (wonton,chicken,tomato)
* 1/2 a sandwich.
(grilled cheese with cheddar, slice of feta, black forest ham, a dollop of Dijon all melted together)
* Orange Juice - extra pulp is now a favorite for breakfast or before bed snack.
Dinner is usually the left overs of lunch and visa versa.
You get it.
I'm not eating a whole lot. I'm trying to be diligent about what I'm putting into my body as I do not eat as often. Minimal snacking.
My question is: Should I be eating for the sake of having something in my system when I'm not hungry on Accutane, (logic says yes) or would that be similar to only eating when I'm bored. etc.
I know I should have SOMETHING in my body... I'm concerned about gaining weight due to eating when my body isn't signaling hunger.
Input please..... GO!
I eat a piece of fruit in the morning with my coffee.
Lunch is by far my biggest meal of the day, and at the moment it's not much.
Examples of things I've eaten at lunch and struggled to finish most times.
* Hot dog.
* 1/4 - 1/2 box of KD.(with salmon, green onions and/or avocado's - It's rarely plain)
* One small California roll.
* 1/2 a mini Me N Ed's pizza.
* 1 Sausage roll and slice of watermelon. (this is becoming my favourite lunch/dinner meal now)
* Pear with prosciutto.
* Cereal.
* A lot more soups. (wonton,chicken,tomato)
* 1/2 a sandwich.
(grilled cheese with cheddar, slice of feta, black forest ham, a dollop of Dijon all melted together)
* Orange Juice - extra pulp is now a favorite for breakfast or before bed snack.
Dinner is usually the left overs of lunch and visa versa.
You get it.
I'm not eating a whole lot. I'm trying to be diligent about what I'm putting into my body as I do not eat as often. Minimal snacking.
My question is: Should I be eating for the sake of having something in my system when I'm not hungry on Accutane, (logic says yes) or would that be similar to only eating when I'm bored. etc.
I know I should have SOMETHING in my body... I'm concerned about gaining weight due to eating when my body isn't signaling hunger.
Input please..... GO!
Monday, 9 May 2011
Accutane Update 67 days down, 113 more to go.
Day 76.67(oops) Starting my 3rd month.
The side effects had all subsided for a bit, or I just got use to them. Just a while ago, everything started to feel yucky again. Fatigue, heavy nose bleeds, aches and pains, headaches, complete lost of appetite, sleepless.
Those have been the vain of this treatment. I've said it many times before, individually, these side effects are all very minor. Cluster them together and its a pain in the ass at times. I hate feeling this tired.
Physio guy has recommended that I not exercise at all while on this, or I could misinterpret those aches and pains for pulled muscles etc. Of course I had to ask if the kink in my neck was a result of this. He replied, "no", I was defiantly gibbled in the neck. I have one more treatment with him and then I'll be done. He's a man of his word. 4 sessions. Each week there is way less pain and discomfort than before. So unless I conveniently hurt myself before the next session, that will be the last time I see Mr. Physio guy for a bit. :(
I must find a way to casually bring up being facebook pals. ;-) Ya I'm unprofessional at times. Or I'll just continue to stalk him via his wife's page. :)
Sorry off track - Accutane.
I had my nose cauterized on Thursday. It's not fun. Not my first time having this done, but it's been over a decade since the last time I'm sure. It's like a long Q-tip, they rub it around the inside of your nose. It's uncomfortable, and tastes even worse. Metallic. YUM. Then you're told not to sneeze, swallow, blow your nose, or spit for an hour, oh and keep your fingers out of your nose. ????? Hahahahahah ever try and stop a sneeze, or not spit out the bug you just swallowed? Good luck. Since Thursday, I"ve only had very minor bleeds. No need to blow constantly anymore.
My fingers are in my nose on a regular basis to lube it with Vaseline. Aside from that, I'm not helping any scabs release etc...ew, ya I know.... That's what he meant, and I completely understood. Cos the urge, no matter how disgusting it seems, to stick your finger in your nose and help release all that crap building up, well it's pretty damn tempting.
More blood work this coming Saturday and hopefully I get approved for another few months. Maybe at a higer dose, cos I really do not want to have to redo this cycle at any time in the future.
I drank a bunch of non-alcoholic beer on Saturday while entertaining Dan's bad manners. Turns out you can still get a hangover. All that hops, barley, wheat and preservatives do a number. Massive headache yesterday. Plus it doesn't help it was bad beer to begin with. One waitress was hoping it would start to taste better after a few more.. no chance. I'll stick to buying the non-alcoholic Heineken type... I think it was called Becker's.
Ok, I think that's it. 3 posts in less than 24 hours, I think I'm all up to date. ;-)
The side effects had all subsided for a bit, or I just got use to them. Just a while ago, everything started to feel yucky again. Fatigue, heavy nose bleeds, aches and pains, headaches, complete lost of appetite, sleepless.
Those have been the vain of this treatment. I've said it many times before, individually, these side effects are all very minor. Cluster them together and its a pain in the ass at times. I hate feeling this tired.
Physio guy has recommended that I not exercise at all while on this, or I could misinterpret those aches and pains for pulled muscles etc. Of course I had to ask if the kink in my neck was a result of this. He replied, "no", I was defiantly gibbled in the neck. I have one more treatment with him and then I'll be done. He's a man of his word. 4 sessions. Each week there is way less pain and discomfort than before. So unless I conveniently hurt myself before the next session, that will be the last time I see Mr. Physio guy for a bit. :(
I must find a way to casually bring up being facebook pals. ;-) Ya I'm unprofessional at times. Or I'll just continue to stalk him via his wife's page. :)
Sorry off track - Accutane.
I had my nose cauterized on Thursday. It's not fun. Not my first time having this done, but it's been over a decade since the last time I'm sure. It's like a long Q-tip, they rub it around the inside of your nose. It's uncomfortable, and tastes even worse. Metallic. YUM. Then you're told not to sneeze, swallow, blow your nose, or spit for an hour, oh and keep your fingers out of your nose. ????? Hahahahahah ever try and stop a sneeze, or not spit out the bug you just swallowed? Good luck. Since Thursday, I"ve only had very minor bleeds. No need to blow constantly anymore.
My fingers are in my nose on a regular basis to lube it with Vaseline. Aside from that, I'm not helping any scabs release etc...ew, ya I know.... That's what he meant, and I completely understood. Cos the urge, no matter how disgusting it seems, to stick your finger in your nose and help release all that crap building up, well it's pretty damn tempting.
More blood work this coming Saturday and hopefully I get approved for another few months. Maybe at a higer dose, cos I really do not want to have to redo this cycle at any time in the future.
I drank a bunch of non-alcoholic beer on Saturday while entertaining Dan's bad manners. Turns out you can still get a hangover. All that hops, barley, wheat and preservatives do a number. Massive headache yesterday. Plus it doesn't help it was bad beer to begin with. One waitress was hoping it would start to taste better after a few more.. no chance. I'll stick to buying the non-alcoholic Heineken type... I think it was called Becker's.
Ok, I think that's it. 3 posts in less than 24 hours, I think I'm all up to date. ;-)
Sunday, 8 May 2011
POF Rejection #1
...took less than 24 hours.
I sent a message to this guy cos his profile was NORMAL! 36 yrs old, employed, profile suggested he lived a pretty normal life. He's blocked me since sending me this message, however his profile did not say "hang out" it said "dating, looking for a relationship"
The beginning of his profile mentioned that he wasn't exactly in a good space to be dating due to some personal stuff with a dying friend of his etc... If it's true, that's sad, personally I think it's a line to play the sympathetic card to get dates. Seriously, who puts that kind of information up on their DATING profile?
I sent a quick message saying I liked his profile, we had some mutual interests etc.. and to fire over a smile if he was interested.
Him:
Thanks for the kind words, but I think I made it rather clear that I am not available right now. I'm just not in a good place
to start something new. Sorry.
Me:
Sorry to hear that, but maybe it would be best to hide your profile for the time being, as it is a dating site.
(I didn't really care at this point what his reaction would be, cos the more I think about him posting that on his profile, he's an attention seeker)
Him:
Should I?
Or could putting it in words right at the top of my profile cover it, so that I may remain in contact with friends here? Would that be okay with you? Or are you so self important that I should close my profile and not have contact with my friends here?
I have stated I am not looking to date, my profile is for hang out, (and I do, with my friends here). Nice, the way you handle rejection, and try to redirect it into my wrong doing though. It's very telling about who you are as a person. It took one message and you have shown you like to blame others when things don't go your way. That's awesome. When I am not too stressed out to date, that is EXACTLY what I look for in a potential long term partner, and what you wrote me has such wonderful value, and has really lifted me up at this moment in my life when I needed it most. You are such a keeper.../sarcastic tone off
He blocked me here.
First of all, I do not understand why dating sites offer "friends, hangout, email/talk, not single/not looking" as options. Those are not dating options, those are outs for men/women who are not single to have online affairs. Aren't there other sites out there for those specific reasons?
I would have loved to have replied with more of my recent insight to his last message.
Stay in touch with friends, on a dating site? Really? Red flag. Airing why he is off the market, using a friends illness as a line... Red flag.
My next message to him would have been along the lines of advising I take rejection well, it's part of the game, but to waste space on a "dating site" to stay in touch with "friends" etc.... This first rejection (happy for it) is exactly the kind of drama I mentioned in an earlier post written today. Last year or any of the other on/off times I was single, this is the exact thing I invited into my life, and put up with it. If this is any indication of what's in store on pof again, I won't last long.
Not sure I have any faith in the online process.
I sent a message to this guy cos his profile was NORMAL! 36 yrs old, employed, profile suggested he lived a pretty normal life. He's blocked me since sending me this message, however his profile did not say "hang out" it said "dating, looking for a relationship"
The beginning of his profile mentioned that he wasn't exactly in a good space to be dating due to some personal stuff with a dying friend of his etc... If it's true, that's sad, personally I think it's a line to play the sympathetic card to get dates. Seriously, who puts that kind of information up on their DATING profile?
I sent a quick message saying I liked his profile, we had some mutual interests etc.. and to fire over a smile if he was interested.
Him:
Thanks for the kind words, but I think I made it rather clear that I am not available right now. I'm just not in a good place
to start something new. Sorry.
Me:
Sorry to hear that, but maybe it would be best to hide your profile for the time being, as it is a dating site.
(I didn't really care at this point what his reaction would be, cos the more I think about him posting that on his profile, he's an attention seeker)
Him:
Should I?
Or could putting it in words right at the top of my profile cover it, so that I may remain in contact with friends here? Would that be okay with you? Or are you so self important that I should close my profile and not have contact with my friends here?
I have stated I am not looking to date, my profile is for hang out, (and I do, with my friends here). Nice, the way you handle rejection, and try to redirect it into my wrong doing though. It's very telling about who you are as a person. It took one message and you have shown you like to blame others when things don't go your way. That's awesome. When I am not too stressed out to date, that is EXACTLY what I look for in a potential long term partner, and what you wrote me has such wonderful value, and has really lifted me up at this moment in my life when I needed it most. You are such a keeper.../sarcastic tone off
He blocked me here.
First of all, I do not understand why dating sites offer "friends, hangout, email/talk, not single/not looking" as options. Those are not dating options, those are outs for men/women who are not single to have online affairs. Aren't there other sites out there for those specific reasons?
I would have loved to have replied with more of my recent insight to his last message.
Stay in touch with friends, on a dating site? Really? Red flag. Airing why he is off the market, using a friends illness as a line... Red flag.
My next message to him would have been along the lines of advising I take rejection well, it's part of the game, but to waste space on a "dating site" to stay in touch with "friends" etc.... This first rejection (happy for it) is exactly the kind of drama I mentioned in an earlier post written today. Last year or any of the other on/off times I was single, this is the exact thing I invited into my life, and put up with it. If this is any indication of what's in store on pof again, I won't last long.
Not sure I have any faith in the online process.
Afraid of Success.
I've learned a few things about myself in the last 48 hours.
1- My ability to see that someone isn't being upfront with me, is broken.
2- I signed up on POF again.
3- Found belief in myself.
I woke up Saturday and it seemed I had a clearer sense of what I want. For myself, in friends, and in love. In the past I've always looked passed the quirks in people and choose to see the good. That they wouldn't be malicious for sport. Well it turns out I'm wrong. The people I've surrounded myself with in the last couple years have all done just that. Inject drama for fun.
I've put up with a lot of crappy things, people, and situations cos I choose not to go with my gut. Maybe I did not have enough going on in my life that I let the drama in. I've been afraid of succeeding at anything for sometime, I took the lesser road.
I'm tired of it. I've let my guard down this year and was completely honest with some new friends. My radar to scan losers and people who are not sincere with me is defective. I've asked them to give me their opinion when asked. I have, they have. And it's been good. They can point out the errors I've been blinded by.
I was honest with my POF account. What I am, who I am, what I want. If men do not fit into that or do not act their age, then I will no longer make excuses for it because I'm lonely, and just move on. I've always known these are the things I would do, but saying it is easier than practicing it.
Last night was no exception. I called up a high school friend Dan to take him out for a few drinks as it was his birthday on Mother's Day. The first time we went out, he was a gentleman, but got drunk, then I stupidly got into a car with him and drove 1/2 way to Whistler before coming to my sensing and insisting we turn around.
Last night we went for drinks and watched the game. (next game boys we'll get them). I'm not drinking but discovered just how many really bad, really, really bad non alcoholic beers there are on the market. For the 2.5 hours of the game, it seemed my friend spent most of his time outside smoking. That's all fine if it's in between periods. But no, it was for the majority of the game. I made friendly with the other people at our table and made the best of what I could. When he was at the table, he barely spoke. Bill came and he wouldn't let me pay. Seriously, it's nice when we're out other times, but it was his birthday, I should have paid. I tried, he made a bit of a scene, so I let it go. All this and so far I'm a little annoyed but wondering what we're going to talk about on the drive to N.Van. (30 mins)
Next venue. Adam Woodall Solo in N. Van. Said hello to some friends, and found a seat. Dan got a few drinks and headed outside for a smoke. 4 songs passed before one of my other friends, there with his g/f, had been keeping an eye on me, came over and asked where Dan was... explaining he went outside, but even this was long for him... before I could really finish my sentence, he was walking away to look for him.
Upon his arrival back to the table, I heard two slightly different stories, but the end result was the same. Dan had disrespected me. He apologized profusely. I started to wonder what else he might have been doing while outside as his behaviour was more hyper than it had been all night. Asking me odd questions like, "When we go out, why do you always offer me your couch? I mean you have two bedrooms". Staring blankly at him as it was obvious to me and probably the rest of the population that has been to my apartment... the guest room doesn't have a bed at the moment. Hence the couch.
More gibberish comes from Dan and I'm no longer finding his behaviour amusing. Not that I ever was really, but I had been in my head about everything most of the night. Had this been a date, I would have left, so why am I putting up with it from a friend? Granted we're not close friends, but manners are manners and Dan was missing his.
I drove us back to my place with the intent that Dan would sleep off some of his drinking before heading home in the morning in time for brunch with his Mum. We pull up to my apartment, and he announces that he's taking off. At this point, I'm no longer concerned if he gets arrested or not for drunk driving. Not my problem, I was just happy to be out of the very silent 30 mins car ride home. Although I did enjoy driving an $80G car. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Maybe it's just a milestone year coming up next year, that I finally woke up and know what I want. I've just been walking around in a daze, going along with whatever cos it was easier than going against it.
All this helped me realize I'm the problem. Not the people I let into my life. I let them in. Now, magically, I just do not feel bad for not having a connection with people. It's either there or it's not. Why force something out of nothing cos I'm bored or scared to go after what I want?
Inside, I feel empowered without feeling like a bitch. It is what it is. I found the missing part of myself. Balance. Self respect. My own worth. It has all been missing for sometime.
As I attempt to enter the dating world again, this time knowing what I want and what I will not put up with (drama) I feel successful already.
1- My ability to see that someone isn't being upfront with me, is broken.
2- I signed up on POF again.
3- Found belief in myself.
I woke up Saturday and it seemed I had a clearer sense of what I want. For myself, in friends, and in love. In the past I've always looked passed the quirks in people and choose to see the good. That they wouldn't be malicious for sport. Well it turns out I'm wrong. The people I've surrounded myself with in the last couple years have all done just that. Inject drama for fun.
I've put up with a lot of crappy things, people, and situations cos I choose not to go with my gut. Maybe I did not have enough going on in my life that I let the drama in. I've been afraid of succeeding at anything for sometime, I took the lesser road.
I'm tired of it. I've let my guard down this year and was completely honest with some new friends. My radar to scan losers and people who are not sincere with me is defective. I've asked them to give me their opinion when asked. I have, they have. And it's been good. They can point out the errors I've been blinded by.
I was honest with my POF account. What I am, who I am, what I want. If men do not fit into that or do not act their age, then I will no longer make excuses for it because I'm lonely, and just move on. I've always known these are the things I would do, but saying it is easier than practicing it.
Last night was no exception. I called up a high school friend Dan to take him out for a few drinks as it was his birthday on Mother's Day. The first time we went out, he was a gentleman, but got drunk, then I stupidly got into a car with him and drove 1/2 way to Whistler before coming to my sensing and insisting we turn around.
Last night we went for drinks and watched the game. (next game boys we'll get them). I'm not drinking but discovered just how many really bad, really, really bad non alcoholic beers there are on the market. For the 2.5 hours of the game, it seemed my friend spent most of his time outside smoking. That's all fine if it's in between periods. But no, it was for the majority of the game. I made friendly with the other people at our table and made the best of what I could. When he was at the table, he barely spoke. Bill came and he wouldn't let me pay. Seriously, it's nice when we're out other times, but it was his birthday, I should have paid. I tried, he made a bit of a scene, so I let it go. All this and so far I'm a little annoyed but wondering what we're going to talk about on the drive to N.Van. (30 mins)
Next venue. Adam Woodall Solo in N. Van. Said hello to some friends, and found a seat. Dan got a few drinks and headed outside for a smoke. 4 songs passed before one of my other friends, there with his g/f, had been keeping an eye on me, came over and asked where Dan was... explaining he went outside, but even this was long for him... before I could really finish my sentence, he was walking away to look for him.
Upon his arrival back to the table, I heard two slightly different stories, but the end result was the same. Dan had disrespected me. He apologized profusely. I started to wonder what else he might have been doing while outside as his behaviour was more hyper than it had been all night. Asking me odd questions like, "When we go out, why do you always offer me your couch? I mean you have two bedrooms". Staring blankly at him as it was obvious to me and probably the rest of the population that has been to my apartment... the guest room doesn't have a bed at the moment. Hence the couch.
More gibberish comes from Dan and I'm no longer finding his behaviour amusing. Not that I ever was really, but I had been in my head about everything most of the night. Had this been a date, I would have left, so why am I putting up with it from a friend? Granted we're not close friends, but manners are manners and Dan was missing his.
I drove us back to my place with the intent that Dan would sleep off some of his drinking before heading home in the morning in time for brunch with his Mum. We pull up to my apartment, and he announces that he's taking off. At this point, I'm no longer concerned if he gets arrested or not for drunk driving. Not my problem, I was just happy to be out of the very silent 30 mins car ride home. Although I did enjoy driving an $80G car. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Maybe it's just a milestone year coming up next year, that I finally woke up and know what I want. I've just been walking around in a daze, going along with whatever cos it was easier than going against it.
All this helped me realize I'm the problem. Not the people I let into my life. I let them in. Now, magically, I just do not feel bad for not having a connection with people. It's either there or it's not. Why force something out of nothing cos I'm bored or scared to go after what I want?
Inside, I feel empowered without feeling like a bitch. It is what it is. I found the missing part of myself. Balance. Self respect. My own worth. It has all been missing for sometime.
As I attempt to enter the dating world again, this time knowing what I want and what I will not put up with (drama) I feel successful already.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Crazy C Update
A while back I mentioned the curator at my museum had applied for a new position with another museum one city over. After a long wait, he verbally accepted the position this morning! Woot!
Personal and formal emails were sent and received upon hearing the great news. Not 5 minutes later, I get an email from Crazy C at work, asking me if we can chat. "I'm assuming you've heard the news if you're still in touch with anyone here. Rob is leaving us. Can we chat?" Little does she (or anyone for that matter) know I was a reference for him to get that position.
I do not think I'll be replying. It's temping cos I want to be the sympathetic ear as I had offered in the original email telling her to back off. Instead, I'm going to go against the urge to be nice and do the exact opposite.
No reply.
I already know her emails will be all weepy about how she won't have him to stare at anymore. Errr.. I mean obsess about.
We're planning drinks to celebrate. I imagine it will be a group thing. No reason it shouldn't be. I'll see her at that time. Where I'm surrrrrrrre he'll let it out of the bag about my part in it all. That will surely piss her off. Is it wrong that the thought of that brings me a little joy? ha-ha.
So, that's it. It will be interesting to see what the dynamic of the museum will be when I return in November. I promised I'd give the newbie a try before deciding if I'd resign permanently or not. I am a woman of my word. Well I try at least.
Personal and formal emails were sent and received upon hearing the great news. Not 5 minutes later, I get an email from Crazy C at work, asking me if we can chat. "I'm assuming you've heard the news if you're still in touch with anyone here. Rob is leaving us. Can we chat?" Little does she (or anyone for that matter) know I was a reference for him to get that position.
I do not think I'll be replying. It's temping cos I want to be the sympathetic ear as I had offered in the original email telling her to back off. Instead, I'm going to go against the urge to be nice and do the exact opposite.
No reply.
I already know her emails will be all weepy about how she won't have him to stare at anymore. Errr.. I mean obsess about.
We're planning drinks to celebrate. I imagine it will be a group thing. No reason it shouldn't be. I'll see her at that time. Where I'm surrrrrrrre he'll let it out of the bag about my part in it all. That will surely piss her off. Is it wrong that the thought of that brings me a little joy? ha-ha.
So, that's it. It will be interesting to see what the dynamic of the museum will be when I return in November. I promised I'd give the newbie a try before deciding if I'd resign permanently or not. I am a woman of my word. Well I try at least.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
R.I.P. Derek K. Miller. You'll be missed.
Derek K. Miller at Penmachine passed away yesterday. At the young age of 41.
Read his last post. Beautiful.
Wishing the best for his family and young girls.
The world is down one great man.
Much Love xo
Disclaimer: you must have tissues ready when you read this. Take the time to read the 138 and growing comments. Extremely touching.
If you happen to hit a link to get to his blog and it won't come up... 3 million visitors is why.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE: I went to Mr. Ho's Chinese for lunch. One of Derek & families favorite places. In a small way, it was a way to honour him. I was feeling a wee bit foolish to be sobbing like a child over the news that Derek had passed away. I did not know him in person, but like many others, considered him a blog friend. Even more foolish, reading the blog and comments while at work manning the front desk.
(allergies I tell ya, allergies).
In other more eerie news: As I was updating this, a song on my podcast come on. Starts off with a harmonica, and I thought, this feels like Derek, as I smiled. (he was a musician too), it has a sad but a special tone to it.... I looked it up, "Body In A Box" by City In Colour. Seriously?
Read his last post. Beautiful.
Wishing the best for his family and young girls.
The world is down one great man.
Much Love xo
Disclaimer: you must have tissues ready when you read this. Take the time to read the 138 and growing comments. Extremely touching.
If you happen to hit a link to get to his blog and it won't come up... 3 million visitors is why.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE: I went to Mr. Ho's Chinese for lunch. One of Derek & families favorite places. In a small way, it was a way to honour him. I was feeling a wee bit foolish to be sobbing like a child over the news that Derek had passed away. I did not know him in person, but like many others, considered him a blog friend. Even more foolish, reading the blog and comments while at work manning the front desk.
(allergies I tell ya, allergies).
In other more eerie news: As I was updating this, a song on my podcast come on. Starts off with a harmonica, and I thought, this feels like Derek, as I smiled. (he was a musician too), it has a sad but a special tone to it.... I looked it up, "Body In A Box" by City In Colour. Seriously?
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Random Update.
Sorry, I haven't had anything of interest to write about. Sooooo here is a point form of what's going on.
Hold onto your seats, cos it's way too exciting.
-I'm crushing on my physio guy. Yup. He's married and a few years younger than me, but he's hot. We're doing the ART (active release technology- it's a combo of physio/chiropractic therapy, without doing the traditional adjustments) so we're very interactive and almost intimate in certain positions. lol I find it hard to look directly at him when he's on top of me doing back traction. Hey, I'm sans sex, I'll take it where/how I can get it.... I'm kidding, he's super professional and sweet, and talks about his wife A LOT.
-Threw my back out Thursday night - couldn't walk Friday. Physio guy worked his magic and I walked out of his office feeling stronger. See him weekly. :) Between my neck and back I have a few more sessions than we originally thought.
- Douche Bag checked up on me Sunday, after hearing thru friends that I was injured. He asked if I needed anything, as he'd be passing my area on his way to work within the hour. As much as I would have loved to have him pick me up something, I declined. YAY ME!
- I think I'm just laying low til the rain friggin stops. Come on, seriously Vancouver, enough is enough. It's May, could you let Spring actually arrive? I want to wear sandals damn it.
- I'm in DESPERATE need of new panties, socks, bra's. I hate shopping for those things. I really do. If I could get away with never wearing socks again, I would.
- Face broke out in the last day or two. Not as bad as in the past, but it's definitely hormone related. Period finally arrived and now it won't leave. Ah to be a woman. Being the greater sex really has it's flaws at times.
Needless to say, I think I won't see amazing results of the Accutane til closer to the end of my treatment.
- I'm just kind of blah. No angst, no joy, no sadness, just blah. Not in the mood to really be overly chatty with anyone, or go out as much. I have a feeling that all this is a result of the accutane side effects resurfacing.
I thought once I adjusted I wouldn't relapse. Wrong... I think.
-While I was down and out over the weekend, I watched the Royal Wedding. ... I LOVED IT. shut up don't judge me I'm a fan. Always have been, but now I'm an educated fan. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details of anything.
Ok then, I think you're all up to date now. Sorry it wasn't more entertaining.
Hold onto your seats, cos it's way too exciting.
-I'm crushing on my physio guy. Yup. He's married and a few years younger than me, but he's hot. We're doing the ART (active release technology- it's a combo of physio/chiropractic therapy, without doing the traditional adjustments) so we're very interactive and almost intimate in certain positions. lol I find it hard to look directly at him when he's on top of me doing back traction. Hey, I'm sans sex, I'll take it where/how I can get it.... I'm kidding, he's super professional and sweet, and talks about his wife A LOT.
-Threw my back out Thursday night - couldn't walk Friday. Physio guy worked his magic and I walked out of his office feeling stronger. See him weekly. :) Between my neck and back I have a few more sessions than we originally thought.
- Douche Bag checked up on me Sunday, after hearing thru friends that I was injured. He asked if I needed anything, as he'd be passing my area on his way to work within the hour. As much as I would have loved to have him pick me up something, I declined. YAY ME!
- I think I'm just laying low til the rain friggin stops. Come on, seriously Vancouver, enough is enough. It's May, could you let Spring actually arrive? I want to wear sandals damn it.
- I'm in DESPERATE need of new panties, socks, bra's. I hate shopping for those things. I really do. If I could get away with never wearing socks again, I would.
- Face broke out in the last day or two. Not as bad as in the past, but it's definitely hormone related. Period finally arrived and now it won't leave. Ah to be a woman. Being the greater sex really has it's flaws at times.
Needless to say, I think I won't see amazing results of the Accutane til closer to the end of my treatment.
- I'm just kind of blah. No angst, no joy, no sadness, just blah. Not in the mood to really be overly chatty with anyone, or go out as much. I have a feeling that all this is a result of the accutane side effects resurfacing.
I thought once I adjusted I wouldn't relapse. Wrong... I think.
-While I was down and out over the weekend, I watched the Royal Wedding. ... I LOVED IT. shut up don't judge me I'm a fan. Always have been, but now I'm an educated fan. Don't worry, I won't bore you with the details of anything.
Ok then, I think you're all up to date now. Sorry it wasn't more entertaining.
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