A few months ago it was confirmed that the spectrum of emotions I was having at any given time was due to the fact I am officially peri-menopausal.
I tend to take my emotions out of one particular man. Who in high insight handles me well. Although in the same breath infuriates me to no end. Welcome to the emotional roller coaster I am on.
It's funny how we change. In one way I'm way more patient than I have been in the past. In another way, I'm psychotic when I don't get a response within a reasonable time frame, can see him whatever social media app, but am met with the excuse of "I was busy" etc.. drives me insane. And in the moment, it feels completely rational to behave the way I do. .
Dating is hard still. I'm the one great friend that everyone talks about to others etc, but have no "worthy" friends to introduce me too. It comes to a point, when you realize you're the unworthy one. I simply don't care anymore. I'm tired of putting myself out there. Dating this or that guy for a few months, then it just becomes more of a chore to date them. Putting effort and energy into them seemed too much.
Or I simply haven't met the one who doesn't make it feel like a chore. The one that makes everything new again. Him I want. I've met him. And even after 3 years he still doesn't want me in the same way. I've had to accept that. It's a jagged pill. The man you've been searching and waiting for arrives, and it's not mutual. Kind of lose hope that another one will come around again.
Maybe this has more to do with the fact my body is changing, basically puberty in reverse. Just couldn't articulate what it was exactly.
Since my trip back east, I've been working on myself. It's a work in progress. I don't think there will ever be a time when you close the book and say, "I'm done, I'm fixed, nothing more to improve, I'm perfect". I don't believe that happens for anymore. We're a constant work in progress. All of us.
Having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I am now middle aged. I don't feel like it in a lot of ways. In others, I feel like I'm ready for retirement.
I've made to-do list. Its not a 40 before 40 thing. Just things I want to purchase, do, explore.
The only thing is a lot of these things cost lots of money. It's doable, but not without saving a little first.
Didn't really have anything productive to say. Just rambling.
I'll be blogging more. It's on the list. Forgot how therapeutic it can be just to write the thoughts down so they no long consume me.
