I've been talking to a few guys. You that stupid stupid saying; "things happen when you're reallllllly not looking for them." Well, as it turns out, it rings true.
Although this time I'm not trying to fit into a mold to make the guy like me. I've been looking at what they like, in comparison to what i like, to see, well if I'd like spending time with this person.
Not sure why I had such a hard time with this in the past. I'm practicing what I'm preaching this time.
No hook ups. I make it clear early on, so they have an out. If they choose to stick around but lack asking things about me, they're gone too. Only the ones whose actions and words match, are getting my attention. Seems like common sense, it is. Again, not sure why I didn't have more self respect for my own needs, and wants. I mean, I've known for a long time what those things were... talked about doing it, but never applied it. Until now.
I cut things off with the ex of last year. Told him its a commitment or friends. Can't continue to do the off/on things when it's convenient, cos you're lonely, or when I am. I can't do both, it messes with my heart too much. He chose friends. I said I was fine with it, as long as he treats me as a friend. We'll see how it pans out. I'd like to believe he meant what he said, however, that would be the hopeless romantic in me. I'll watch his actions over his words. His actions will tell me everything I need to know.
I think that is all I have at the moment.
Saturday, 26 April 2014
Sunday, 13 April 2014
But,.but.... it's MY priorities are out of whack?!! Oh pleeeaaseeee!
How much validation do I realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly need?
When the roommate comes to me and bitches that he only got 2 out 6 beers that *I* paid for?
Then starts to preach about how "some" peoples priorities are out of sync?
Seriously dude? You just drank 1/2 a growler (3 pints) and 2 bottles of a 6 pack, that 1) you didn't have to pay for. 2 )really bitching about what you did and didn't get? 3) turn it onto me, that its my fault I drank 4 of the 6 pack? that I paid for and offered you some out of??? sigh.
Good Gawd. Some people.
You can sit in your room and pout that you only got to drink 3 pints, and 2 bottles that YOU didnt have to pay for... and try to make me feel bad for it.. good luck to you!
When the roommate comes to me and bitches that he only got 2 out 6 beers that *I* paid for?
Then starts to preach about how "some" peoples priorities are out of sync?
Seriously dude? You just drank 1/2 a growler (3 pints) and 2 bottles of a 6 pack, that 1) you didn't have to pay for. 2 )really bitching about what you did and didn't get? 3) turn it onto me, that its my fault I drank 4 of the 6 pack? that I paid for and offered you some out of??? sigh.
Good Gawd. Some people.
You can sit in your room and pout that you only got to drink 3 pints, and 2 bottles that YOU didnt have to pay for... and try to make me feel bad for it.. good luck to you!
Kick in the crotch. Slap in the face. Take your pick...
I've had the blessing, privilege, awakening opportunity in having no contact with the man I want for the last 1.5 years, for a whole 2.5 weeks. In the past 1.5yrs, we've gone only maybe 2 days at most with not talking to each other. So almost 3 weeks, was hard. Maybe even empowering.
I'm fucking wide awake now. Have been for a while, but now I'm awake while being kicked, or slapped in the face.. take your pick. I was on skype, and forgot that forever ago I requested to add him. He finally replied with, "who is this?". *SLAP*
Seriously? It has my picture and full name attached to the add invite. I didn't reply, can simply cancelled the add request. Fuck you. Who is this?
He's been saying all this time he wants to be "friends". I'm trying to take people at their word. Bullshit.
So I simply picked myself up, dusted myself off. Raised my head, and got on with my life. I don't have time for these games. I've been playing them for so long. Normally I would have given him a hard time, but now, fuck it. You want to play the who are you game, then I'll make it easier for you, and you can forget me. Cos you're no longer on my radar.
I joined a new dating site. It's turned out to be a booty call site. It only took chatting to a few men to figure that out fast. Decided a long time ago, I didn't want anything casual. I'm holding out for love. Something more meaningful. Cos, well casual relationships, have a time and a place. I'm no longer in that place.
I've made it clear to one guy I was chatting with. Although I would love to play with him, but made it very clear, as long as he knew, I was going to be out meeting other men, etc until I found what I was looking for.
He didn't care for that so much, and is now leaning away from the casual card he first presented. We'll see.
That's all for now. I'm off to go do more things that *I* enjoy.
I'm fucking wide awake now. Have been for a while, but now I'm awake while being kicked, or slapped in the face.. take your pick. I was on skype, and forgot that forever ago I requested to add him. He finally replied with, "who is this?". *SLAP*
Seriously? It has my picture and full name attached to the add invite. I didn't reply, can simply cancelled the add request. Fuck you. Who is this?
He's been saying all this time he wants to be "friends". I'm trying to take people at their word. Bullshit.
So I simply picked myself up, dusted myself off. Raised my head, and got on with my life. I don't have time for these games. I've been playing them for so long. Normally I would have given him a hard time, but now, fuck it. You want to play the who are you game, then I'll make it easier for you, and you can forget me. Cos you're no longer on my radar.
I joined a new dating site. It's turned out to be a booty call site. It only took chatting to a few men to figure that out fast. Decided a long time ago, I didn't want anything casual. I'm holding out for love. Something more meaningful. Cos, well casual relationships, have a time and a place. I'm no longer in that place.
I've made it clear to one guy I was chatting with. Although I would love to play with him, but made it very clear, as long as he knew, I was going to be out meeting other men, etc until I found what I was looking for.
He didn't care for that so much, and is now leaning away from the casual card he first presented. We'll see.
That's all for now. I'm off to go do more things that *I* enjoy.
Saturday, 5 April 2014
.... AND I'M BACK!!
I'm back. I've been trying not to blog in the last little while, while regaining my marbles.
All marbles are safely back in the jar, and no longer rolling around. There is a clarity present that's been absent for a bit. I don't know that the content of this blog is going to change or not, however first, I have to get some bullshit off my chest.
When we were younger, how come parents, role models didn't tell us that the bullshit is the same as you get older, although you'll have much much less patience for it. Well.. Patience has never been my strong suit. I have it. I can deploy it when required. Though it does take constant practice.
Respect for myself has been found. Better believe I'm holding onto it tightly this time.
I've found in the past year, it's been a stepping stone to better things. Sort of just woke up in the past couple weeks, deciding, fuck it. Enough of what other people want, whine about, and allowing them to make me an option, when I made them a priority,. Fuck it. Fuck them.
I'm making myself the fucking priority! You either fit into the life I want, that I'm currently building for myself, or you don't. If ya don't, I'm not longer making excusing, and trying to fit you into a part of my life, cos I like you for one reason or another. How far do I have to go to make room for people, or try to fit into theirs, only to consistently be disappointed? Only to forgive too quickly when they return saying all the right things, though not producing actions to go along with those words.
I don't know where I found this strength. Found me again. But I love it. I love me! Finally!
The following is the kind of stuff I've decided to let go of.
Whats the saying, imitation if the kindness form of flattery? Is it? Cos one or two things, it is.. when it's allllll the time, it's simply fucking annoying. Especially when that person, then looks down at you, like it was their idea all along..... how? When I had all those things first.
Nose pierced, affair with a younger man, a married man, daring hair colours, even my employment.
**I got braces in my late teens. When people started complimenting my smile, she got them too.
**I worked at a title search office, she tried to get the same job at a competitor's company.
No one would hire her. She tried to get into real estate. Failed.
**I worked at a gym. She thought she was one upping me, and became a personal trainer.. who btw failed at keeping clients.
**I worked at a fashion house, she went into modelling.
**Even now. I'm a part of the health and safety committee at work, and part of that is obtaining the COR certificate for the company. She went and became the safety audit coordinator at her job. (she does the audits for the COR). Granted she works in a different industry, but not the point.
**Interest in one particular man. I dated him last year for a short stint. Afterwards she was defensive about not giving it more of a chance. I advised her, the details why it did not work out, however, she was more than welcome to go out with him.
She didn't, instead, with no notice, booked, paid for a trip and left three days later, to the country where he is currently located. Her young adult child didn't even know where she had gone. Calling around to see if she was in our town for a court date or something. Who picks up and leaves with no notice for 2 weeks, and doesn't tell anyone. Very few pictures were posted, but just enough to prove she was where she said she was. She's been back a few weeks now, and wont discuss her ventures with anyone. Something isn't on the up and up. Who books an exotic vacation after making a big stink about not being able to afford airfare to the our town an hour away.....???
So, I simply stopped giving a damn. Poof. Gone, no longer consuming my thoughts. She can have her mysterious trip, cos no one no longer gives a damn. (the group of core friends we have.. they're pissed out of concern she went to such a place and didn't inform a single person etc.)
I should be flattered. I'm not. It's like she's competing with me, to be better, but I'm not in the race. I'm too the point, where I'm going to start making up fake goals, and tell her all about them. It's petty, and I will probably just ignore it. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong.
Person number two.
Makes plans, and bails. every time. I've stopped making plans with them, cos they double book, or cancel cos a better offer came up. Not even mad about it. I explained in detail how that makes them look, and it's a shitty thing to do, simply I won't participate anymore. Moved on. Doesn't stop them from messaging me telling me how much they love and/or miss me etc.. yet never do anything about it. Humourous really.
...and men. My favourite topic. hahaha
When I finally woke up, I decided I was no longer going to bend myself into positions to fit into their lives, only to be let down. We've all done it. I've just done it more than most. I made a list of what makes me happy. Certain sport activities, music, foods, outings etc. Learned I wasn't doing any of those.
That has changed. I've enrolled in school, signed up for golfing lessons again, joined a gym, planning my Xmas holidays to somewhere warm.. this may or may not happen, as I'm not comfortable travelling alone.
If the men I want in my life don't enjoy at least some of the same things, I won't be trying to fit into his life. I've known this all along, but haven't been applying it. It has to be a mutual fit.
I've been talking to a handful of men this past month. In the past, I would have mistaken their sexual advances as interest. This time around, it's not the case. I advise them that I'm not interested in something casual, and if they wanted to get to know me, to date me, they would have to do so in such a way, that doesn't involve talking about sex right out of the gates. Important note: you must follow thru with which you say you're looking for. Otherwise they just continue to try.
I recently said to a friend who claims how much of a catch I am etc. blah blah blah.. my response was "everyone wants to fuck me, no one wants to love me"... after he offered to "ease my sadness" with a roll in the hay.
I keep that saying in my head up and front. It's not to say I won't have short term affairs, just as long as all parties are aware, I will be continuing to look for something solid, secure and meaningful with a man who wants more from me, and for me, than just sex.
Well, funny how that makes even the most shallow man pay attention, when they realised you're going to treat them the way they had planned on treating you.
That's right fucker. You're not using me. I'm using you, and you will be dropped as soon as I find what I'm looking for. OF course I didn't say that, but the point was well received.
.. that's all for now folks. I'll have more to write soon. Baby steps.
All marbles are safely back in the jar, and no longer rolling around. There is a clarity present that's been absent for a bit. I don't know that the content of this blog is going to change or not, however first, I have to get some bullshit off my chest.
When we were younger, how come parents, role models didn't tell us that the bullshit is the same as you get older, although you'll have much much less patience for it. Well.. Patience has never been my strong suit. I have it. I can deploy it when required. Though it does take constant practice.
Respect for myself has been found. Better believe I'm holding onto it tightly this time.
I've found in the past year, it's been a stepping stone to better things. Sort of just woke up in the past couple weeks, deciding, fuck it. Enough of what other people want, whine about, and allowing them to make me an option, when I made them a priority,. Fuck it. Fuck them.
I'm making myself the fucking priority! You either fit into the life I want, that I'm currently building for myself, or you don't. If ya don't, I'm not longer making excusing, and trying to fit you into a part of my life, cos I like you for one reason or another. How far do I have to go to make room for people, or try to fit into theirs, only to consistently be disappointed? Only to forgive too quickly when they return saying all the right things, though not producing actions to go along with those words.
I don't know where I found this strength. Found me again. But I love it. I love me! Finally!
The following is the kind of stuff I've decided to let go of.
Whats the saying, imitation if the kindness form of flattery? Is it? Cos one or two things, it is.. when it's allllll the time, it's simply fucking annoying. Especially when that person, then looks down at you, like it was their idea all along..... how? When I had all those things first.
Nose pierced, affair with a younger man, a married man, daring hair colours, even my employment.
**I got braces in my late teens. When people started complimenting my smile, she got them too.
**I worked at a title search office, she tried to get the same job at a competitor's company.
No one would hire her. She tried to get into real estate. Failed.
**I worked at a gym. She thought she was one upping me, and became a personal trainer.. who btw failed at keeping clients.
**I worked at a fashion house, she went into modelling.
**Even now. I'm a part of the health and safety committee at work, and part of that is obtaining the COR certificate for the company. She went and became the safety audit coordinator at her job. (she does the audits for the COR). Granted she works in a different industry, but not the point.
**Interest in one particular man. I dated him last year for a short stint. Afterwards she was defensive about not giving it more of a chance. I advised her, the details why it did not work out, however, she was more than welcome to go out with him.
She didn't, instead, with no notice, booked, paid for a trip and left three days later, to the country where he is currently located. Her young adult child didn't even know where she had gone. Calling around to see if she was in our town for a court date or something. Who picks up and leaves with no notice for 2 weeks, and doesn't tell anyone. Very few pictures were posted, but just enough to prove she was where she said she was. She's been back a few weeks now, and wont discuss her ventures with anyone. Something isn't on the up and up. Who books an exotic vacation after making a big stink about not being able to afford airfare to the our town an hour away.....???
So, I simply stopped giving a damn. Poof. Gone, no longer consuming my thoughts. She can have her mysterious trip, cos no one no longer gives a damn. (the group of core friends we have.. they're pissed out of concern she went to such a place and didn't inform a single person etc.)
I should be flattered. I'm not. It's like she's competing with me, to be better, but I'm not in the race. I'm too the point, where I'm going to start making up fake goals, and tell her all about them. It's petty, and I will probably just ignore it. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong.
Person number two.
Makes plans, and bails. every time. I've stopped making plans with them, cos they double book, or cancel cos a better offer came up. Not even mad about it. I explained in detail how that makes them look, and it's a shitty thing to do, simply I won't participate anymore. Moved on. Doesn't stop them from messaging me telling me how much they love and/or miss me etc.. yet never do anything about it. Humourous really.
...and men. My favourite topic. hahaha
When I finally woke up, I decided I was no longer going to bend myself into positions to fit into their lives, only to be let down. We've all done it. I've just done it more than most. I made a list of what makes me happy. Certain sport activities, music, foods, outings etc. Learned I wasn't doing any of those.
That has changed. I've enrolled in school, signed up for golfing lessons again, joined a gym, planning my Xmas holidays to somewhere warm.. this may or may not happen, as I'm not comfortable travelling alone.
If the men I want in my life don't enjoy at least some of the same things, I won't be trying to fit into his life. I've known this all along, but haven't been applying it. It has to be a mutual fit.
I've been talking to a handful of men this past month. In the past, I would have mistaken their sexual advances as interest. This time around, it's not the case. I advise them that I'm not interested in something casual, and if they wanted to get to know me, to date me, they would have to do so in such a way, that doesn't involve talking about sex right out of the gates. Important note: you must follow thru with which you say you're looking for. Otherwise they just continue to try.
I recently said to a friend who claims how much of a catch I am etc. blah blah blah.. my response was "everyone wants to fuck me, no one wants to love me"... after he offered to "ease my sadness" with a roll in the hay.
I keep that saying in my head up and front. It's not to say I won't have short term affairs, just as long as all parties are aware, I will be continuing to look for something solid, secure and meaningful with a man who wants more from me, and for me, than just sex.
Well, funny how that makes even the most shallow man pay attention, when they realised you're going to treat them the way they had planned on treating you.
That's right fucker. You're not using me. I'm using you, and you will be dropped as soon as I find what I'm looking for. OF course I didn't say that, but the point was well received.
.. that's all for now folks. I'll have more to write soon. Baby steps.
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