I'm great at relationships, bad at dating.
I've felt more rejection from so many different realms of my life right now, I don't even want to get out of bed lately.
I'm trying to trust in the process of actually dating, and trusting people in general. It's not easy. I'm entirely too smart for my own good. Hard to shut my mouth when I know someone is lying to me on any level. How can so many people be okay with that, and just roll with it?
I can't roll with it, when trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth, and getting two word replies in response. How can you trust in people on any level when their words say one thing, their actions another?
I've looked at myself, changed myself, been myself and still, people seem to think I can be walked on, ignored, and lied too. The only I can do is walk away from those who don't make me happy, or haven't left me in a good mood after talking to them or hanging out. If I'm meh, miserable, or annoyed more often than not after spending time, or talking to these people, then I walk away. Right thing to do right?
Apparently not. I'm not being told to just, "roll with it". What?
After harping on me to have more self respect for myself etc, and not be a door mat, you're now essentially telling me to be a door mat, by rolling with it.
At this rate, I'm going to be alone for the shear fact I'm starting to look like a lunatic.
However, I deleted some people a bit ago from several social media venues. People who were not bringing anything positive into my life, yet causing trouble, for fun. What a difference it's made. Not having those people in my life, prying on what I'm doing, who I'm talking too, and reporting it back to others, cos they have nothing better to do with their own lives.. I am rebuilding some relationships that I thought were best left alone. Although with those few vital people gone from my life, not keeping tabs, we're building a new rapport. It's a start.
Feeling blah. Christmas season is hard enough on it's own, without the added stress of new family drama's and mental illnesses. It's exhausting. I'm slowly bouncing back from the season, though being met with people who don't like me cos I've decided to love myself and respect myself first. It's a roller coaster ride to say the least.
At this age, you'd think shit just settles down. It doesn't. It's the same shit, different pile with more money and better clothes and cars.
That is all for now.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve.
I entered the dating scene again after taking some time off. Changed my strategy, who I talked too, what we did on dates etc. It all seemed to be working out well, until I found myself smitten.
I have crushes all the time. But to be smitten? It's a whole other ball game. Instant connection. Tones in common. We both felt like we'd known each other forever. It was that comfortable from our first date.
Long story short. It didn't work out. He said all the right things, some seemingly sincere, others, what he thought I needed to hear. In the end, his actions and mixed signals did not match up with his words. Essentially, turning me into a lunatic.
It's been a week since our last date, which btw, was great. Made plans for this weekend..... it's been 6 days since I've spoken, texted, or had any kind of contact with him, in any media. Sooooooooo, being too smart for my own good, I looked up his dating profile, it's still inactive. Hmmmm... He's not answering my calls, but he answered a call from my blocked landline. Ouch. I didn't say anything, hung up, and deleted him from my life.
Is that how men break up with girls these days? Just ignore them?
I'm crushed. I put myself out there 100%, putting trust into the whole process of not over thinking things to death, just rolling with it. Letting a great date be great, and a great kiss be a great kiss etc. Feeling the moment, rather than over thinking it, plotting it's end before it's even begun.
And where did it get me? Hurt. It's been a long time since I've liked someone this much, so quickly. The last 3 times I like this, all 3 ended up in long term relationships.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while some would say; "don't", I can't change how I feel when I feel it. I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a few days, then forget about it. Can't move on til I can think about him without crying. Ya, I cried, hard.
It seems to be all I do these days. For no reason, for all reasons, for roommate reasons, for people letting me down, for not loving myself more etc.. so many things, and nothing at the same time. I cry. Could be that time of year. Christmas is always hard.
I had to force myself to go to the company Christmas party, putting a smile on my face, and I tell ya.... I've got to get a new poker face. People can just tell I'm faking it. Thankfully the women I work with are not the type to pry. They just rub your arm, say something pretty, smile like they understand, words aren't needed.
I went to a friends family function tonight, where she notified them all of my boy trouble before I got there. Normally, I'd be pissed, but I've known these mutual friends for decades, having my own rapport with them, it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me, even when I don't get to see them that often, they just care. No one made a big deal out of it, just letting me sit quietly enjoying the night without the pressures of having to be super social. I'm usually the life of the party with this particular group, they've come to expect it of me. This time, they entertained me. As well as their kids, who as loud as they can be, were fun. One crawled onto my lap and just snuggled into me. She's all of 4 yrs old, I looked at her Dad, to take her away cos I was about to lose my composure. But the snuggle was what I needed for the brief moment it was before I had to excuse myself.
Those of you who read me here over the years, know I do not like to lose any kind of composure.
It's yet another funk. I"m sure I'll bounce back. Silver lining being; I'm now 100% sure I'm ready for another relationship. Not sure how I'll go about meeting someone, or if I'll change anything about the I do things, but I'm open to it. I just have to bubble wrap my heart from being crushed too badly, or too often.
I have crushes all the time. But to be smitten? It's a whole other ball game. Instant connection. Tones in common. We both felt like we'd known each other forever. It was that comfortable from our first date.
Long story short. It didn't work out. He said all the right things, some seemingly sincere, others, what he thought I needed to hear. In the end, his actions and mixed signals did not match up with his words. Essentially, turning me into a lunatic.
It's been a week since our last date, which btw, was great. Made plans for this weekend..... it's been 6 days since I've spoken, texted, or had any kind of contact with him, in any media. Sooooooooo, being too smart for my own good, I looked up his dating profile, it's still inactive. Hmmmm... He's not answering my calls, but he answered a call from my blocked landline. Ouch. I didn't say anything, hung up, and deleted him from my life.
Is that how men break up with girls these days? Just ignore them?
I'm crushed. I put myself out there 100%, putting trust into the whole process of not over thinking things to death, just rolling with it. Letting a great date be great, and a great kiss be a great kiss etc. Feeling the moment, rather than over thinking it, plotting it's end before it's even begun.
And where did it get me? Hurt. It's been a long time since I've liked someone this much, so quickly. The last 3 times I like this, all 3 ended up in long term relationships.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while some would say; "don't", I can't change how I feel when I feel it. I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a few days, then forget about it. Can't move on til I can think about him without crying. Ya, I cried, hard.
It seems to be all I do these days. For no reason, for all reasons, for roommate reasons, for people letting me down, for not loving myself more etc.. so many things, and nothing at the same time. I cry. Could be that time of year. Christmas is always hard.
I had to force myself to go to the company Christmas party, putting a smile on my face, and I tell ya.... I've got to get a new poker face. People can just tell I'm faking it. Thankfully the women I work with are not the type to pry. They just rub your arm, say something pretty, smile like they understand, words aren't needed.
I went to a friends family function tonight, where she notified them all of my boy trouble before I got there. Normally, I'd be pissed, but I've known these mutual friends for decades, having my own rapport with them, it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me, even when I don't get to see them that often, they just care. No one made a big deal out of it, just letting me sit quietly enjoying the night without the pressures of having to be super social. I'm usually the life of the party with this particular group, they've come to expect it of me. This time, they entertained me. As well as their kids, who as loud as they can be, were fun. One crawled onto my lap and just snuggled into me. She's all of 4 yrs old, I looked at her Dad, to take her away cos I was about to lose my composure. But the snuggle was what I needed for the brief moment it was before I had to excuse myself.
Those of you who read me here over the years, know I do not like to lose any kind of composure.
It's yet another funk. I"m sure I'll bounce back. Silver lining being; I'm now 100% sure I'm ready for another relationship. Not sure how I'll go about meeting someone, or if I'll change anything about the I do things, but I'm open to it. I just have to bubble wrap my heart from being crushed too badly, or too often.
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