taking control

I called my shrink tonight.  yup.
I've met my emotional limit. A limit I haven't been anywhere near in sometime.

If one more person shits on me I might lose the last strand of sanity, self esteem and stability I have over my mental health.

Let's hope she will take me on again as a patient.

How Stupid Could I Be?

This pretty much sums up my love life now.

I'm so tired.

Tired of people disappointing me. Telling me how to feel.

What not to feel. That I shouldn't be

so sensitive. To be more sensitive.

To roll with it, not to roll with it.

That, that person is no good for me, but that person is,

and when either one fails, I'm the stupid one.

How Stupid Could I Be?

I'm so tired of people telling me what to do.

Some changes are being made, and frankly, there are going to be

a lot of unhappy people at the receiving

end of my new life.

Life has just handed me more than my emotional levels

are capable of handling.

Life and love all shit on me to the utmost

limits this week/end.

Of course the first question I ask is:

"What am *I* doing wrong?"

Why is it we naturally jump to the conclusion

that it's something we've done?

Something we're lacking?

I've fallen for a bunch a lines lately,

and yet while they were lines from cowards,

 I'm the bad person in this?

How do you figure?

I can't breath in the right direction right now

without someone shitting on me for doing wrong,

not good enough, or shouldn't be doing

it at all.

There is a lot of "Hi Kettle, meet Pot", lately.

I don't understand why or how

I'm the villain calling this bullshit on

people?

It's okay for them to do A, B, C.

But not for me?

I'm crushed on so many levels. Let down, disappointed.

I've been made to feel unloved. Unworthy of love.

Just unworthy of... everything it seems.

I'm useless in everything.

The stupid one.

Until now. I thought I was smart.

Had wits about me.

Could call bullshit.

I don't know my head from my ass right now.

On any level.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

I don't have the strength to defend any convictions anymore.

I'm lost.

I've lost myself.

My beliefs.

My Love for myself.

If it wasn't for the fact, I have to go to work

daily, I could curl up in a ball. Get drunk

and fuck the this life I'm living.

For a bit anyway.

STOP POKING THE FRIGGIN BEAR ALREADY!!!

I have completely lost my shit on the roommate.
We were good when he got home yesterday, and that lasted for all of about a few hours.

I've been going to bed a few hours later than I should, and I'm tired in the morning. I'm always tired in the morning, regardless. However, a week or so ago, he mentioned I should go to bed earlier etc. He meant well. I asked him to nudge me every now and then to remind me etc. He agreed.

He hasn't. Instead is waltz's into the living room at 11pm, as I'm packing up and getting ready for bed, yells at me that I should learn to take better care of myself. Went on to say a few other things. Had he not used the tone and volume he did, I think I MIGHT have reacted differently. Not to mention he swung from a very raw nerve I haven't had to deal with in a long, long time.

I lost it completely. I went from mild, subdued, ready for bed, to: someone call the cops, she's going to kill me. I yelled screamed at him, at a volume to which only dogs can hear. He went to his room, shutting the door behind him. Smart, cos I stood on the other side of that door, and continued to lost my shit on him for another few minutes.

Went to bed mad. Got up mad. When he exited his room, I was standing there still yelling at him, "Ooooh look at this, I'm up, and ready to go... Not bad for someone who can't look after themselves, wouldn't you say?:!!" He said nothing, locked his door and left the apartment. As I yelled 'HAVE A GREAT FUCKING DAY!!!" at the top of my lungs  at 630am this morning.

I calmed down through out the day, starting to become embarrassed, and increasingly angrier. Not at the roommate, well sort of, but at the fact I lost my shit over my own issues. He couldn't have known that was a raw nerve that he swung from.

I wrote him an email apologizing for my reaction, but made it clear I wasn't impressed was his snide remarks anymore, and that he'd pushed it entirely too far this time around. We had recently had a a conversation about my weight, and how he motivates me, has NEVER-not once, made me feel fat etc..

Since that convo last week, he has been tapping into my insecurities, teasing me, and managed not only to make me feel fat, he made me feel ugly, and worthless.

Dude, sharing the facts that you've never made me feel those things before; wasn't an invited challenge.

I have worked so hard, for so many years to keep my temper under wraps. Sure I get mad like anyone else, although I've learned to use my tools to keep calm, fight fair, and factual. Not this time. It's like he's unravelled all those years of work.

I'm still fairly livid with him, his antics, bullshit demands about me not being allowed to have men over when he's home, but he can screw tones of women (who are not his girlfriend) etc, Hi Kettle, meet Pot.

That will be changing, regardless how it makes him feel. He's home this weekend, along with his gf spending the night. I don't care about that. It just happens to be on the same weekend, I have a few dates lined up. He tried to tell me I'd have to rearrange them etc, "no sleep overs".... I hadn't planned on it, but I am now! Fuck you. You rent a room from me. You are my roommate, not my parent, and even if he was, I'm 40 friggin yrs old.. I will do as I please. As much as I would love for him to feel at home, he does not get to dictate my dating, love, sex life to me.

I usually refrain from having anyone over during the week, cos he's studying etc. I'm respectful of that. Although he does what he wants, with little notice, and now, I will too. If I go on a date mid-week, and want to bring someone back to the apt on a Wednesday night, I'm going too. Deal with it.

Grrrr this bear is still wound up tight.

I guess this is what I get for not posting for sometime....

You're getting a novel!

I haven't had anything to bitch about, or celebrate. Plus I'm on the computer for 6-12 hours a day, the last thing I want to do other than check my FB, is blog about it.

The new job is going good. Although my department has switched managers due to maternity leave, and wouldn't you know it... I breath wrong and I'm in shit. It's been lots of little things since the new manager took over. Lovely woman, bad management skills. I'm entirely too busy to be bothered with bullshit, I was blown away when some "issues" were brought to my attention.  Granted, I'm not the only one getting in trouble for working hard.

First of all, it's year end. The work load is insane, but doable. I'm fast. So fast in fact, the new manager does not believe I'm completing the work load on my own, or correctly. She is wrong. The work speaks for itself. It's everything from arriving too early to work. (yes, I said too early). What? I don't claim overtime if I'm there early on my own accord, so what's the issue... to being too fast, to being friendly with staff when they come to my desk etc..

Seriously, woman. Pick your battles, cos my deadlines are not being affected. It bothers her so much, we had a department meeting today. No shit. Thankfully, those in the department including the old manager all had my back and each others.  I love my job, the company and the people, so I was floored needless to say, when she had a problem with my stellar performance.

Men
Oh where to begin? I've started an online profile again, and with some success this time I might add. However, I'm entirely too jilted and suspicious of people to run with it, when someone is paying me a compliment. I'm chatting with a few guys, and one who is physically out of my league. He doesn't care though; he says.

The Backup Boyfriend.
Sigh. I still really like the idea of us dating. But it's just not running smoothly. As friends, we don't skip a beat really, but romantically, we are so.not.on.the.same.page.
He has expectations which I think are a little barbaric. Okay, who am I kidding, he wants a wife/slave. Who will do his laundry, cook his meals, and not ask him about his company etc. Ummmm dude, HAVE YOU MET ME?!!! And he scratches his head when he wonders why I'm not jumping on board. Dude, you will be my friend til the end of time, and occasionally when I'm desperate, a booty call, cos really, you lack skills of a 40 yr old man. I don't say that to be malicious, but come on!!! At 40 you think you'd have a trick or two up your sleeve.

And the first one of you that says, "well teach him".. I'm going to smack you. It would be fine if he was late 20 something and still could be taught. At this age, you should know a few things, like reading simple body language. gawd.

Speaking of smacking... I smacked the roommate last night.
He's been poking the bear all week, and took it a step too far. Sadly he happened to be kneeling in front of me when it happened and I smacked him hard on the top of his head. The second it happened, he flinched, and I knew I triggered something. An old memory, a flashback, something. 

I regretted it the very second it happened for a multitude of reasons. 1) Hitting is NEVER okay. Not on any level, and not if he deserved it. 2) The fact that I though smacking someone would make everything better, even for a millisecond, makes me want to barf. 3) That he pushed me so far that I thought this was the only acceptable option to get the point across to stop, and bugger off.

I've been sick with grief all day over it. I've apologized already, and will do so again when he gets home tonight. I'm not expecting him to accept my apology.

That's about it.
I have a few dates lined up this weekend, aside from that, catching up on sleep.

Coffee Snob!

Coffee for me is solely a weekend thing now. As part of foods I need to restrict from my diet and take my stomach issues more seriously.

I usually make my own on the weekend, as I've started spending a decent amount of money on a .lb of coffee. It's a treat. This morning I realized I do not have any filters!

Instead of being smart and just going to the store and picking up a $3 pack of filters, I decided to be lazy and spend $6 on a Caramel Machiato. Smart right?

The cafe across the street is running a "second chance" program for people re-entering the work force after being handed a rough hand in life. The people making my coffee is not the issue. Everyone deserves a second chance at earning a skill.

It's the fact they couldn't make the coffee I asked for.

Then a bad thought crossed my mind. I'm a horrible person. I'm a coffee snob!
If I'm paying $5-7 for a cup, I want someone who knows how to make, to make it!
Not to ask the customer if they want room for milk and cream......umm no. If you knew what was in it, you wouldn't be asking me that! (I didn't say that, but I thought it).

I'll refrain from going out in public to get coffee from now on. I think it's great a local business is involved in the community, but it made me realized I need to calm to the f####k down a few hundred notches. It's just coffee. This is their life. A second chance at it. No one is so self important that they (see"me") needs to be having shitty attitude thoughts towards them cos they got my coffee wrong.