He Let Go!......Finally!

Back in December I ended a tumultuous on/off again 13 year relationship.

It wasn't the first time I'd try to exit this relationship and move on.  But he kept coming back. I kept letting him.

There would be spells where he'd stay away for a few months, claiming I was right and he needed to move on too etc. But I could feel him. I could feel him before he would call, stop by the house, or drove within the vicinity of where I was... I could FEEL him.

I went on holidays and never thought about him once. His where abouts. Wondering if he was thinking about me. Not once. :) Upon returning from holidays and checking the house phone, turning back on my cell etc.

Although I did receive calls from siblings that I thought didn't know my name, there was not-one-call from the ex.

Then it occurred to me, I can't feel him.

I sat on it for a few days, cos at some point I'd feel him. Sense him in some way

. .......(sound of crickets).................... Nothing. Zip. Nadda!

My first initial reaction was not one I was prepared for, I was relieved. Not sad, but relieved

I can no longer feel or sense him in any way, shape or form.  It's been almost a week since I realized all this and honestly I thought I'd be a little sad. I'm not. 

After all these years, he let go. He let me go, to get on with my life.

I truly believe I won't be hearing from him again for many years, if ever.

And I'm sincerely okay with that.

Not out hatred for him, but out of respect. 

Realizing, maybe, he finally got it wrapped around his head that I was serious about the things I said. 

If he did not want to be with me 100% then I wasn't available for him anymore.

I had to move for my love life and emotional stability. 

There will always be areas of fondness for him since he was there when chaos broke out in my life.

And sadness that he did not want to spend his life with me.

I almost wish I was a little sad about it.

I wanted to have a life with him for so many years and

to be rejected, well, I've had my closure.

Not re-opening that novel, with him.

Feelings free was new but the nagging that he'd resurface was always there.

But I had control over my dignity and self respect now.

I made the choice to move on.

Now that he's let go of me, I almost feel a little empty.

In a good way though. 

Here's to a new novel in my life. The old one has been closed finally.

He Let Go!

YAY!

Dysfunctional

Not even sure where to start with this.
I'm wiped, exhausted, completely drained of energy from what is a dysfunctional friends unnecessary drama.

Yesterday was my B-day and received many well wishes from friends, acquaintances and a sibling *gasp*.
99% of them by facebook as FB has the birthday reminder on the top right side of your home page.

I thanked EVERYONE who wrote on my wall, sent private emails and pictures to make me smile. :)

This morning I get to work to find an email waiting for me from my best friend. Whom I've asked to move out upon her return from her visit with her kids.  History: No fights or anything, I'm just not interested in having a roommate anymore, nor do I need one. I'm thankful I was in a position to help her out when she needed a place to stay, but now that she's been gone for over a month visiting her kids, I realized I love living alone. Period.

Her email is cold and to the point:
"I'll be there to remove my stuff as soon as I can, although it's proving to be difficult as I do not have a car. So I'm guessing you're miffed at me about something? Hope you have a good birthday anyways."

I replied: My birthday was great thanks. Why do you think I'd miffed at you?

I was going over my facebook wall to see if I had missed thanking anyone for wishing me well etc and noticed her wall posting wasn't there anymore.  Even went as far to check the original email with the link, and it says: THIS POST IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE.

ummm WTF??? Really?

I emailed her: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
YOU DELETED THE BIRTHDAY WISHES OFF MY WALL?  WOW. THANKS.

This is not the first time this friend has done this to other people. Its a first for me.
When something gets her nose out of joint, (which is really too often) she retaliates with childish behaviour. Deleting people, writing nasty emails, silent treatment, changing her b/f's password, just your normal foot stomping hissy fit that a 5 year old throws when something does not go their way. 
But we're not 5 yrs old, we're 38.

I'm truly starting to believe that she needs creates dysfunctional drama in her life as a form of amusement or entertainment for herself. It seems if she's miserable, everyone else should be too, and in high in sight that makes her happy... Maybe get a hobby.

My point of this rant is I'm tired.
I'm feeling a mixed bag of emotions for her cos she is going through shit, and not so much anymore now that she is with her kids again.

At this point the following feelings apply and could change without subject:
*Happy to have my apt back to myself and clean/tidy
*Happy she's with her kids again - they were having a hard time without her.
*Glad I was in the position to assist her when she moved away from her kids.
*Thrilled I will never have to hear her and her b/f having porn-like sex again. (although after addressing the issue it was manageable).
*Drained of listening too, observing childish behaviour and antics cos something did not go her way.
*Tired of her being in a constant state of angst. Towards everything. Cos you know the world is out to get her or so it seems.
*Realized that although we have a few decades of friendship between us, we have nothing in common anymore unless its to vent (anger) or party with intention of getting so loaded you fall on your face... ahhh the stories giggle.

At this moment, I'm don't see the point of moving forward with her. I do not want to end the friendship but its' dynamic has changed for me.

I've worked hard to surround myself with people who are encouraging (not to say she isn't) and always happy and positive...to continue enabling myself to be dragged down in misery with her ongoing unnecessary drama.

I've actually her say the following words on the phone - "I'm too petty & snarky, besides it's beneath me to be things like, nice". I remember looking at her on the phone and thought, I really hoped she was joking, cos who in their right mind would brag about being a self proclaimed bitch and be proud of it?

In short -
I dont have the energy nor am I interested to be friends with people like this. Can you see why I'm torn? She's been there when it matters, but the day to day stuff etc it's just too ahrd to be around her.

Volunteering.

The lack of posting new entries has been it's been a crazy two weeks in here in Vancouver as the Olympics are coming to an end on sunday.
We're currently in 4th place for metals, but more importantly, the men's hockey team beat Russia 7-3, and what a game!!! woot! Go Canada Go! 

This past week I volunteered for two things, both which I find important. 
I've never been much of one to volunteer, and although I like the idea of it and being part/giving back to my community, there hasnt been anything I'm passionate about, until now.

UBC Hospital and Vancouver Coastal Health Research Institute are proforming a research study on women between the ages of 35-50 who have night sweats. Menstrual Cycle and Ovulation Research.
Perimenopausal Night Sweats Study

The primary aim of the study is to determine the feasibility of a potential future randomized control trial of progesterone therapy in perimenopause, and to estimate the number of women who would be needed for that study, as well as to examine whether cyclic hormonal changes affect perimenopausal night sweats.
This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and help us understand night sweats in women aged 35-50 who still have regular periods.
This UBC study is observational (no study medications), and takes 4 menstrual cycles.


Who can participate?
You may be eligible for the study if you are a woman who:
Is between age 35 and 50
Had menstrual periods no more than 60 days apart in the past year
Is not taking hormone therapy or birth control
Has night sweats (hot flushes during sleep time)

I'm eligible to apply for this study. (even with being on snythroid- hormone therapy) I spoke via email with the doctor & reseach assistant who is screening potentional clients. However there is one glitch, I'm not currently having night sweats and when I have in the past, they are not as regular as 5 per menstrual cycle. 

When this doctor asked why I wanted to participate, the answer wasnt anything I had to think about. 

"It's women's health.  If I can be part of a solution that will help women breeze through perimenopause and help prevent cancer related issues based on treatment found now, why wouldn't anyone want to be part of that?  I have 3 older sisters, sister in-laws, cousins, aunts, etc, friends mum's who have been affected by the HRT and wouldnt have taken it if more studies and alternative options had been available.  I have nieces, great nieces, 2nd and 3rd cousins who will still go through this process."

She was pleased with my reply and asked if she could contact me for future studies on women's health.
Obviously, I said OF COURSE! and wished them well on this particular case study.

The other volunteer position is more local and a personal interest for me.
When I was younger I worked for the land title office in the city, and found a nak for the historical searches which most founf to be tedious and boring. I LOVED IT! To touch original pictures, original blue prints of road construction designs, and the property books half written in old english and latin as to when a piece of property was bought directly from the crown. That's old shit.  To actually touch history.

Recently an old friend had mentioned all the things in the city she hasnt experienced. One of them was the Irving House. Built in 1865 at the time when New Westminster was the Capital of BC and we were developing and excelling as one of several port cities.

So much of Vancouver and surrounding cities have lost much of their history, which is really sad, cos we had so much of it. The current government doesnt seem to care about restoring, preserving, and educating the public and school systems, they seem to care about supply and demand with the developers salavating at large properites to build up and congest the city more than preserve what holds so much of our past.

When looking at the site, I learned about a few volunteer positions, and applied.
I applied for an assistant curator/research assistant position with the Museum & Archives.
This position is volunteer and only 2-3 hours a week, although I put I was available 2-10 a week.
Ultimately this would be a dream job if it was a paying gig. 
If I get the position, I will be part of restoring and preserving the history of the community, and surrounding cities I grew up in. Educating the public and school system about the remaining history they probably walk by everyday and have no idea. 

Thanks to my Cousin David who is currently living in Dubai for the last 10 years, was the one who initally got me interested in history. He's travelled a lot for a living and always made sure he knew as much as he could about the history of whatever town, country etc he was living in.  Years later I ended up working in the LTO with all this to my immediate access.. I was in love.

That has been my week. What have my lovely readers been up too?

Saying goodbye to a relationship & Fresh Starts.....

This weekend has been anything that I thought it would.

I witness the sociopath on speaker phone as he yelled at my friend over things that werent revelant at 2am. When he did not get the answer he wanted, he called her all sorts of names. 
That was one phone call I hear directly. If ANYONE had ever talked to me that way, ever, I would have walked away then. She put in 13 years.  Strongest woman I've ever known in my life time so far.

Saturday I ended a 12 year relationship with a man I was having stronger feelings for. Our arrangement no longer works for me, and on my list of things to do, "love freely without fear of being hurt" is on it.

He honestly couldn't be surprised I became attached, it's only been 13 years.
It went exactly how I anticipated it would. He wasnt an asshole or malicious with my feelings.
I made it clear what I was feeling & wanted, and so did he. Simply, we do not want the same things.
(which I knew and more reason I had to do this) I was never going to be part of his future. Never.
Ouch.

We will not be seeing or talking to each other for the next few weeks to months. We will be friends in the end, just not right now. I need some time to adjust, permission to grieve and let it go.

I'm proud of myself for following through and ending a relationship that was holding me back from letting love in as a whole and will be available to give love as a whole.

As much as it hurt, this was the healthiest thing I've done for my romantic life, in oh, I dont know, 13 years.

Leaving them behind...for now.

My b/f arrives Saturday.  6 more days, til she's free of the evil house, but thats 6 more days til she's away from her children for the next 7 months. (they will finish the school year then some if not all, will join us here)

Needless to say, she is a basket case.

I can not even begin to imagine what she must be going through. I mean, I know what it's like to deal with death, but that's permnant and you eventually come to grips with it.

She is leaving her children behind.  We chatted briefly late last night/early this morning, about how much fun she'll be once she's here. (joke)
I've told her that she will be able to see the kids everyday, via webcam chats, on msn or skype. 
Well I may have well been speaking german. She had no idea you could that kind of stuff.  That is the only thing right now that I know how to help curb the pain, even if it's ever so slightly.
And that's if her ex will let them. (he'd decline them to see her via cam just to spite her, cos he can)

I guess I should be prepared for the worse and adapt as best I can to help console her.

Anyone have any suggestions?

I've made room in the apt for her, the closets, the bathroom etc, getting some of her favorite comfort foods in the house, lots of wine and beer etc light fluff reading, favorite bath stuff.
 I'm going to safetly assume she will be useless for the first month.

I'll be doing all the cooking, cleaning etc, which is not an issue at all. I'm excellent at doting on people, but those who are unconsolable, is another story.

I guess it's all I can do right now to make sure she eats something and bathes.
Even if it means I have to do it for her.

I may lean on you dear readers for ideas, suggestions, or just an ear to vent too.

Abuse.

In 8 days my bestfriend will be here, forever.  So anxious for her arrival, that once she arrives I'm not even sure what to do with her. It will be anything but the usual roommate dynamics that is the norm.

I'm going to assume that once she's here I will have less time to blog, or will be blogging more often to vent about the proceedings in her life. (mmore positive from here on out)

She found the resources, strength, self respect to leave an abusive relationship. Spousal abusive on any level still seems to be a no-no to talk about.
Like somehow these women (and sometimes men) should be embarrassed and/or hide the abuse.

But I'm not one to listen to what others are doing and will post links, about it and anything else I want.

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fv-vf/facts-info/sa-vc.html
This is a great link from the Department of Justice of Canada on Spousal abuse- Fact sheet.
Read it. You'll be surprised at what you'll learn.

As women, I think we should be more educated in schools, work places, homes, friends, and family.
This is NOT a topic that should be romanticized.  It's real.
Unfortunately too real and more often than not, deadly for some.

There was a commercial about spousal abuse with Keira Knightley - Isn't it time someone called out?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/apr/02/keira-knightley-domestic-violence-ad

This Anti Abuse commercial was pulled from the airwaves for debates of being "too graphic".
ARE FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!? 
It needs to be made more publicly aware! I mean we out "johns" for paying for prostitutes, but hide abuse? Something seriously wrong with governments around the world for shoving this topic under the carpet.

To me it's more common sense is the more social aware people are on topics (of any kind) The more power/knowledge you give the public, the less likely these things will continue to happen. Thats my opinion.
I could be wrong and I'm sure it's easy for me to sit at my desk, bruised and emotionally free of any abuse, but I'm affected by it regardless, cos it's happening to those I'm close with.

My own mum (before I was born) was subject to a form of abuse, and I've grown up learning that should a man ever lay a hand on me, or try to belittle me in any way shape or form, to leave. Never look back.
Possessions are just that. Your life can not be replaced and the mental and emotional affects can last a life time that may result in that person self medicating, making poor decisions and worse, start to believe that the abuser was right or they deserved what they got.

I cant even begin to tell you how infuriating this is.  Why shouldn't people talk about it.
Yes it's embarrassing, but by not speaking out, you're only empowering the abuser.

If you know someone, be there for them, research the resources for them, send it to a private email, facebook account or something that the abuser can not obtain.

Think of abusers are criminals. They are. They are sneaky, munipulative, corrupt. Think of them as drug deals, cos they will go to no lengths to get their "fix" of infor that will fuel the next attack. Physical, emotional, economic (yes), financial, spiritual. There are so many forms of abuse aside from the physical.

Educate yourselves, sisters, brothers, parents, and children.

I'm reved up now, and will write more at a later time.

Feel free to share this entry.
All comments are welcome, none will be censored.

Huge change & adjustment happening 9 months from now.....

Pick your jaw up off the floor.

If any of you know me, in person or blog only, you’d know that I do not want children.
So to answer your question or insert disappointment upon you, no I am not pregnant.

However my life is changing right now, again in 2 months and more drastically 9 months from now.

Current Change:
Changing the dynamic of a long time friendship after recently being treated and dismissed like a second class friend. I’ll go into the details of it one day, but right now it’s entirely too fresh and sour to get into.
Short version – This person is no longer considered family to me. We’ll still be friends, just not extended family nor a priority friend.

2 month change:
My oldest and dearest friend is in the midst of a messing and hostile separation.
For her own sanity and to prevent injury against herself or her soon to be ex spouse, it’s best she move out immediately.  With that said she may obtain an apt where she is (costly) or move here in January and save money for the big move to follow in June. (She is currently in another province and time zone)

9 month change:
Oldest dearest friend, her 4 kids (maybe only two) and I will be living together in a 5 bedroom house.
I say maybe only two, cos at this point and time, we believe two of her four kids are going to opt to stay with their Dad.

I’m excited and nervous for this change. We have been planning house rules etc for the kids, our dating lives etc. Cos even though I’m not their parent or even an aunt by blood relation, what I do around them is still sending a message. So there will not be random men coming and going from the house, ever.
When male friends come to the house, they will have to act like gentlemen at all times.

The hardest part of the adjustment will be living with the kids.
Not for me, but for the kids and adjusting to the fact that I will have a say in no TV before homework is completed, temporary groundings until their mother gets home etc.
More of a temporary guardian than another parent.

Some of the general house rules that have/will be implemented (subject to change) will be:
-Dinner at the kitchen table every night unless special occasion or to lazy to argue with them.
-Schedule bedtimes during the school week.
-Games night once a month (maybe more).
-A closed bedroom door requires knocking first, no walking in. (for both adults and kids)
-Rotating chores for all the kids and adults. They’re at an age where they should have a part in the household chores.  (Dishes, vacuuming, garbage duty, cleaning bathroom and learning how to do laundry and asking if anyone has anything to add to make a full load)

This is great on paper, and I’m sure will change as we all adjust accordingly to the new living arrangements.
So this is the big change taking place in my life.

As hard and frustrating it will be at times, I’m optimistic for it and all the learning, growing, and adapting it will have to offer.

Got a cat.

I did.  MY girlfriend's cat had a litter and I fell in love with one, then another.
She decided that on her visit to Vancouver in the next two weeks, she is going to bring him down with her.
Since knowingly I wont actually follow through and go get one myself.

He's adorable.

Mr. Cornelius Milo D. aka The Cornhole. or Corny. :)

I'm sure it will be an adjustment to have a pet again, and make arrangements to have a pet sitter etc when I go away for weekends. But overall, I think it will be a good thing, allergies and all. :)

If my allergies win, I'll find him another home. Only time will tell.
Keep your fingers crossed.

CMcB will have a posting to add in the next while.. she's a little delayed with work, sleeping in, reno's, life etc.

Stay tuned.

Lighter topics

Lately my topics have gone from dating epic failures to changes in life.
I dont want this blog to get to blah and have no one read it. I have another one for that.

Last night I was in bed by 8pm and slept through til this morning... ya I'm going to the doctors.

Thinking about having some guest writers on my blog.
EvilTwin has made his appearance once and is always welcome back.
I was thinking about including CMcB. She is mensa smart, quirky and opinionated... Why wouldnt I have her include pieces.
TinkBell and maybe a few others.

I'll lay a few topics out and keep them reasonably light. Maybe not. ;p

That's all I have for now.

Happy Tuesday.

Mini Self Discovery - I dont know that I like myself right now.

My work place adopts a family every year and the same two people have been running it.
Til last year that is. The main contact left for Hawaii to further her education.
As a result I was asked to take over the task of running this amazing thing.
Not knowing what to expect or how it would affect me, it at all.

I did, and it went extraordinarily well, for the family that it.
However for myself, I was a train wreck.
It was my first Xmas alone, and although it was rewarding in it’s own way to be part of something that allows those less fortunate a chance to have a Christmas,
(it’s for the kids) that was special, even though I was dealing with the adaption of growth myself, I figured I could mustard thru.

I’ve been fighting with the pro/con list of doing it again this year for a few months now. Unfortunately, the cons for me outweighed the pros.
No excuses, it was emotionally taxing on me. I advised the VP I would not be able to run it this year. She was amazingly understanding and graceful about it.
I did tell her why I felt I couldn’t do it again and the turmoil that it was having on me having to even make this decision in the first place.

Parts of me feel selfish and guilty for not running it. That’s not to say I won’t contribute money, gifts, food baskets etc. To do the corporate part of soliciting the staff for donations *I* know they don’t really have themselves, made me feel a little less like Santa and more like a corporate bully.

My heart wasn’t in it.

I hate asking people to donate. It’s one thing to ask the public etc for big events, but when it’s an office of 60 people and you feel the pressure to subtlety suggest people are not being generous enough, is not for me.

In the end we managed to get everything from the wish list, and some. The only way we were able to do so, cos the management that makes 6 figures a year, all donated a few hundred each compared to the 5-60 dollars that the rest of the staff could afford. And the family was so grateful.

So the short of it is, I tried, I successfully fulfilled my obligations and recognized it’s not for me.
(brownie points, right?)

This year, I may be finding myself alone at Xmas again, and although I know I will not be able to handle it, I figured I'd give back to the DTES (downtown east side) during Xmas and maybe looking into volunteering to work in a kitchen over those few days.

Granted that may be harder on me than asking work associates for money, but some how it seems as though it may be more rewarding and an eye opener on just exactly how close everyone is actually one paycheck away from being homeless. Reality check to stop complaining about my own life? Very Possible. Opportunity for personal growth of awareness, and all things society has been shuffling around, more so since the Olympics are coming in 2010 and gawd forbid anyone from another country see we have a homeless issue.

Anyway, I'm just toying with the idea. Maybe I wont go to the extreme of the DTES to start and stick closer to home. And if I do end up with somewhere to go for Xmas I'm not giving back this year. Hate me if you want. It's easy to write all this at the end of September, but come December I wont know what my emotional and mental state will be. An excuse, yes. But one that is mine, and mine only. I know the capabilities of my own mental health. Nice idea, when the time comes I may not be ready. Yet.

Maybe I'll put it on my 40 to do list before 40.

I'm slowly learning things about myself and limits. To want to do something great, and then learn it's just not for you no matter how great the deed would have been, is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm ashamed of myself at times. Then again, I'm being true to myself.

Geez, could I sound anymore selfish and weak right now when there are people out there who have NOTHING and have so much gratitude for those who choose to spend their free time giving back.

it's a work in progress, please be easy with the hate mail. But I'm open to input, suggestions, another view, that may help me sort out the issues of wanting to give back to the community and not wanting to put any strain on my mental stability.

P.S. Everyone please welcome CMcB to reading my blog. She is an old friend I've lost touch with who I've learned has been reading my blog and NEVER comments on it lol. She knows me well, an much about the journay I've been on to recover a better me.

Change is the only constant - Part 3

Part 3.

After my folks passed away, the first few years were numb. Then I got angry, sad, etc all the steps of grieving. In that time, I also made a lot of bad decisions in my love life.

I dated men very briefly just for companionship. Had intimate encounters, again, with men I barely new, and just-did-not-care. Subconsciously I knew what I was doing was wrong, unsafe, morally against what I believed in. All for the sake of not being alone. Feeling loved and wanted if only for a moment. Some how I convinced myself this was a strategic strategy to protect my heart. With that I put my guards up, wrapped my heart in bubble wrap and smiled for protection, dressed up my emotions for my friends. (last sentence are lyrics from separate songs from my friends band) I used them cos they are the perfect words.

I've been unlucky in love. Jilted by men, jaded for having male friends and watch them play the games they do. Smarter/wiser for it. yes. Better off for acting on it. No.

I was talking to a guy I men on the dating site I use.
We did not have the best first start. He was name dropping about his success in his industry, so I sent him a msg blasting him for it. It's a dating site, not a look at my awesome career. We exchanged some surprisingly civil words and I learned how articulate he actually was and the insecurities he exposed to me.

We've recently added each other to FB, not a romantic connection, but a connection of another kind. Last night, I'm not sure how the topic came to be, but we exchanged profiles and tweaked them for one another. Then he did something no one has ever had enough balls to do. He called me out. Not rudely, he has tact, and in it's sincerity he made some very valid points. I've never once had anyone ever talk to me like this. Here is what he said about me solely based on my profile.

"Over confidence from insecurities is a turn off."

Called. Me. Out.

But in the nicest way. There was more chatting afterwards, and I, surprisingly was not once defensive about it. (rarity for me) I didn't bite his head off, for whatever reason a calm came over me. It all made sense suddenly. I want to be more of the lady and let men be men, I could never figure out how without being soooooo independent. Too independent, that I forgot how to let people do things for me, talk to me, just be nice to me. I've had a tendancy of giving off the vibe that I'm strong enough to not need anything ever done for me. Even if it's just chivilary.
(if I stop looking for fights, fights will stop finding me)

Last night I let my guard down. I was vulnerable, honest and never once felt weak.
I felt centered, strong, and more in control.
I'm actually having a hard time finding the correct sentence to express the ease I'm feeling.

Maybe it showed last night, cos my friend from the band said the nicest things to me having no idea whats been going on in my head. A six sense maybe? Coincidence? (this is the second time he's voiced something that applies to my private thoughts)
My "gentleman friend" came to the pub with us, and normally it's a regular night, nothing special, but we had a great time. More of a date. A first for us.

I told DT (online friend) that I applied the things we talked about the night before. That if we were to ever lose touch, he'd always be remembered in my heart for steering me in this direction. Good karma heading his way.

To be continued......
~ Being Samiantha

I'm so Tired.. No, it's not the Beatles song.

I'm tired.
Tired of being exhausted.
Tired of being disappointed.
Tired of being constantly being let down by friends.
Tired that everyone thinks I'm okay with being blown off.
I'm tired of not having a car.
I'm tired that this stupid cycle never ends.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired that I'm tired.

I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of rejection.
I'm tired of stupidity.
Tired of being the adult.
Tired of not having a boyfriend.
Tired of not having a relationship where people don't cheat or lie.
Tired of being judged for being single, and almost 40.
I'm tired of being broke.
I'm tired of life.
I'm just so tired.

I miss my folks.
I miss my old friends.
I miss my mind.(sometimes)

That's the gist of it without giving details.
I do believe there will be more changes in 2009/2010.

Friendship Dynamics?

Lately I’ve been having issues with the standards of a friendship.
Petty issue or a friendship dynamic changing?

In my world, my friends live by the same general unwritten rules. Everything is a two way street.
Of course for the most part there are delays for some replies to emails, phone calls, text msg’s, msn, facebook updates, twitter, etc
Due to other obligations like children, shift work, second job, sleep.


I have a friend (who may read this) and we have issues when it comes to communicating.
Here are the issues at hand. You decide….

My opinion is, when I call someone, a reply is in order in a reasonable time frame.
She doesn’t agree.

Here is our last conversation.

Me: hey you’re alive, what new?
Her: Of course I’m alive, stupid question. What’s up?

Me: When I call, emails, text, msn, phone someone for whatever reason (general chat, crisis, confirming plans, making plans) I like a reply. Period.
Her: I’ll reply when I feel like it, or in the mood. We’ve been through this; you know what I’m like….

Me: That’s really not acceptable; I may need/want to talk to YOU specifically about something.
Her: Then say it’s urgent, I’ll reply then. What did you need/want?
If it’s just “hey”, Hey”, how’s it going, how was your day…. I’m not interested in chatting about everyday stuff with anyone, if it’s important/urgent, tell me, I’ll call you.

Me: ummm we’re friends; everyday stuff is a large part of what friendships are. I called to make plans to do something, see what’s new etc….
Her: oh. You can read that on my facebook updates.

Me: I shouldn’t have to. With all the technology available, there is really no reason to never NOT reply.
Her: there are just too many choices, and ways to be contacted, it’s too overwhelming.

Me: That’s a lazy bullshit excuse, no one said you had to use all that is available, pick what works for you, and that is how people will get in touch with you.
Her: nah, they can read about my day to day stuff on facebook, I’ll back to everyone when it suits me.

Me: It may be too late by then.
Her: Oh well.

Her: you shouldn’t be so needy or high maintenance.
Me: My friends are part of my every day to day life and some are my chosen family.
If that makes me needy or high maintenance cos I want to know what is going on in their lives or gawd forbid, make plans with them, then so be it, I’m a high maintenance, needy friend.

Her: okay, glad we agree.
Me: okay, sigh, goodnight, talk to you whenever.


Okay am I living on an alternative planet, or am I high maintenance for thinking common courtesy is expected? I think there is an acceptable time frame for a person to reply and then, there are just bad manners.

Would love the input of all my readers.

Do I continue to try and have a mutual respected friendship, or just accept the fact we’re not on the same “friendship respect page” and let this relationship take fade away to the backseat and stop making her a priority friend in my life?

We’ve been friends for 8 years, and have stopped talking in the past for this exact reason.
She’s a good person, I like to think she is, but can you out grow a person based on something like this that is so easy to fix by just accommodating one another?

SIBLINGS FOR SALE! FREE TO A GOOD HOME!

Rant.

Not much of anything to say that has any real relevance. Just bitchy.

Things happening in my life at the moment.

ME:
I’m fat. No I’m not being hard on myself, I’m realistic about it.
I’m fat. I am doing something about it, but its discouraging at the same time.

MEN:
Men suck in general. I swear I was a dude in a past life. I’m smarter than most men. And really starting to think there must me SOMETHING about my online profile, that say I’m only looking for booty. *ugh*

Anyone want to take a stab at rewriting it for me?!?!
Send me a msg, I’ll send you my profile link infor in a private email.

SIBLINGS:
I’m NOT a fan of my siblings.
Is there something in the water and they all decided to get uber bitchy at the same time?

My one brother is about to get written off completely.
His oldest son (28) my nephew got married last summer.

Any guess how I found out? FACEBOOK! AFTER THE FACT!..
“Oh but it was just a small wedding” my brother says.
Um ok, you do know they’ve posted pictures of the wedding online and it was anything but small.

THEN I learned the same nephew was expecting a baby. Again…. Any guess I found out? FACEBOOK!

THEN!... yes there is one more. I learned the baby was born this past Friday.. *sigh* by FACEBOOK!

None of my siblings have yet to receive a call regarding the news and all my brother had to say when I called him was, “it’s been a few crazy days.” “

“Really? Cos your wife’s side of the family all know, cos they’ve posted their responses on FACEBOOK!.
So while you’re lovely wife (who we all secretly hate) was making 1000 calls, she couldn’t make 5 more?”

FEELING THE FUCKING LOVE!

So I sent a message to my nephew with my love etc and told him I would call our side of the family for him.. He was so ever grateful.

Anyone guess what the general replies were to the new of a new BABY coming into the world by one of our family members?

“oh, ummm, that’s nice”

WOW, that’s showing some love and support.

Ok I know the saying, you can choose your family etc, or you have to love them but you don’t have to like them etc…

I can disown them? Cut all ties? Cos it doesn’t seem to matter what kind of effort I put in.

FIVE SIBLINGS FOR SALE!
Ranging in age 49-55
They are house broken, but lack common sense and manners.
And probably too old and set in their ways to be retrained.
Free to a reasonably good home.
Any takers?

Finding a more creative me.

There are a few blogs I read and I have to admit, I don't always read them for the context, I read a few of them for their writing style and fluent grace.
With that being said, some of those blogs who I did not start off reading for enjoyment, have indeed blessed me with some great words, challenge my thoughts, inspire me to be more creative in more than just my writing, which we all know needs something at times.

When I was younger, I was always told by friends and some siblings that I was "strange, or weird, maybe even odd" for the way my brain worked at times, whether it was the writings that would spew from my mind of chaos at the time or something to do with combining dance/gymnastics. (at the time the two were rarely messed together). For as long as I can remember, I've been journaling, by paper, by typewriter, and now of course, computer.
I believe when we were younger people called the "diaries". I've never called it that, cos it was never about if a boy liked me, and my entries never started off with "Dear Diary" etc. It's always been a source of venting, and somewhat creative.

I remember on two separate occasions;
1) turning in a personal journal entry as a paper in Gr 6 and won an award for most creative writing skills for my age.

2) Gr12 English, we were told to draw a piece of paper from a hat, and whatever the word was, that had to be the topic of our essay. There was probably a word cap, I do not remember.

I pulled the word "risk" and was to write about what I thought the word "risk" meant.
I sat there for an hour, becoming increasingly annoyed as the teacher would walk by our desks and tap on mine, whispering, "write something Samantha or you're going to fail"... dirty looks spewing at him every time he looked at me. What that teacher didn't know, was, I was done my essay the second I drew the topic. The paper was handed in at the end of the class, only with the title at the top, and my signature at the bottom.

A week later I was called into the principles office, to explain my shitty attitude to my teacher (his words- and at his request of course) I've never had an issue telling my authorities where to go or standing up for myself, cos I'm not one to be bullied. Not then, Not now.
Walking in, I was shocked to see half the staffing facility sitting there waiting for me.
For the first time, I was scared, not only for my grade.

A few looked impressed & glad to see me, that teacher, ugh. asshole. looking smug.
They sat me down and started talking. I don't remember what was said cos I was tuning out the "blah blah blah" for the most part until I heard the principle say, he and the facility took a vote and agreed, I was graded unfairly. They were over turning the grade the English teacher wanted to give me. As it turned out, all the staffing facility BUT the English teacher understood the paper I handed in.

"Risk" by definition to me, was handing the paper in blank. I got my first "A" in English.

I haven't felt that kind of creativity in my writing for a very long time. Granted, I'm using this blog to write about daily life etc, and do have another private blog that was powered by angst, heat of the moment feelings, extremely uncensored. That was some of my best work. You could feel the emotion in most of it, however I did not like the place a lot of came from.
I used that blog as a way to manage my sanity from losing my parents and life changing over all.
Not to mention the unconditional support I received from strangers who've become online friends. They've read the most uncensored, off kilter things coming from my brain and still talk to me. Those are great people. Its just a shame they all live on other continents. Thank Gawd for msn, skype, and web cams. We've grown together, become friends, invites to weddings, sharing family and new additions to the family via cams, its been a very surreal journey.

Now I'm on a different one, one for the stability of my future, my life, health, and over all growing into a better person. (constantly building character I didn't know I needed)
before my parents passed, I always felt I was on a different creative level than most of the people I hung out with. I was either smarter in ways, or just different. I've never really been one to beat to the drum society has said we should follow. Life changes. Siblings, parents, grandparents, children, friends, all die. That sounds harsh, I know. But when someone close to you dies, it has the ability to rock you to the core and change your very being. (and for those who do not know, it does NOT get easier with time, it gets different.)

With that said, since the passing of loved ones in my life, I changed. I just went along with the drum beat laid out before me, cos well, it was easier than following my own beat. For awhile.
Its been 11 years, and my friends have changed, views on the world, my own wants. I've learned things about myself I did not like, I learn things about my friends at the time that I no longer respected. My writing changed. It seems almost forced and edited for the most part.
I'm no longer writing from a darker place, cos I don't have too. But I've lost my style.

I've been reading those blogs, stealing styles etc, and hoping that eventually, it would naturally develop into something more... me. Shows my personality, what creativity I have left.

So please forgive the follow year of entries and cluster of different styles as I move forward and try to retap into what once drove me, and that I will once again hear that drum beat that is unique to me.

hmph.

Been feeling old this past month and really haven't been able to articulate those feelings.

Went out this past weekend to a friends band and I'm truly exhausted from all the laughing that was had... good times.

A conversation I had with a friend from the band, was all about how he turned 37 last year and something in his life shifted. His romantic interests had changed, and the chase of dating to pass the time was getting old. He now has a wonderful g/f who we all adore! In short, he was able to clear so much up for me, without him even knowing how I've been feeling.

Dating men younger than me or even the same age, who don't know what they want is no longer acceptable. I've been trying to be the future awesome g/f of compromise, I simply can not do it anymore. I'll compromise with a exclusive b/f when I have one.. not before.

I just realized how that sounded, but I'm sure you get the point I'm trying to make.
Its about my wants now. I have specific deal breakers.
...So I rewrote my profile, hoping to attract a different caliber of man.

This year has been hard for everything. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Birthdays, etc... its all just very hard. Lots of tears. I'm making changes in my life to be a better me, and as easy as that sounds, I some how feel I've lost myself. I'm not sure I know who I am anymore....is this normal?

I know what I want in life, just not having someone special to share it with is getting tiresome. I do not want to 40 and single. It shouldn't matter but it wont stop people from wondering what is wrong with, almost 40 and never been married. I'm used goods.

Joining a gym was the first step to making some changes for me to like myself again.
Not just for my health, but to feel bettter. I'm not liking a lot of things at the moment. I do not like the decor of my apt, my clothes, the fact I dont have a car anymore, my weight, I guess overall I my self esteem is taking a hit, cos I thought I'd be in a different place by 35. I'm still feeling my age right now.

To Do List ~ 40 things Before Turning 40 Idea stolen from TNR

Okay I've jumped on the bandwagon of doing on of these lists.

A few people I know in person and who's blogs I read are doing these list.

Seems fitting I would start it today as my last entry was my 40th. hmmmm

I'll give you a list in about a weeks time, as its 40 damn things I have to think about doing, and I've already done a lot... seriously.

and for those days when I have writers block, I can look back on this list and give you a progress report.

:)

Bitter Is The New Black - A lesson learned from this novel

I just finished reading the first of a few novels by Jen Lancaster.
“Bitter Is The New Black”
www.jennsylvania.com highly recommended for a good laugh.

She is snarky, rude, cynically witty, more intelligent than her friends and associates! Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?

While reading this book, I found myself talking out loud and replying comebacks to situations similar to hers before I’d actually get to them. And relating to her life more than I’d like to admit.

A few things I’ve picked up/learned while reading Bitter Is The New Black.

Even the most educated, intelligent, successful people can get laid off and still have a hard time finding work in their field, and in the end, end up in a completely different field than what their degree is in.

I’m in my mid 30’s and just learning now what I may want to do with my life.
For YEARS, I’ve been harped on by friends, co workers and more so, family, to go to school, and just-get-a-job.

One thing I’ve watched occur over the last 20 years, is that most of my friends have BA’s, and Masters in their expertise field of choice and yet sit 20 feet from me, making the same wages I do but with a student loan to pay off over the next 10-20 years.

So why go to school, and never end up in that profession and own stupid amounts of stupid loans, cos in the end, I’ll end up being over qualified anyways?

I’m currently working at my 4th job in 20 years. And find myself to know a little about a lot. Rather than a lot about a little.
One thing we all have in common.
We work too hard watching paint dry, just to appear “busy” and not get laid off due to the economy. We all need to save more money and not live pay check to pay check.

Now I don’t have the salary of JL and if I did, I’d like to think I wouldn’t spend my hard earned cash on shoes etc. Okay, who am I kidding, of course I would splurge. Only a bit. I work in fashion and as much as I love the bags and shoes out there, I can never justify spending hundreds of dollars on a bag that is only going to carry my shit.

Besides I live on the west coast and not to sound too hippish (cos I’m not granola) but its more casual here than just south of our friendly neighbours in California where status means more. Sure I love to dress up, and I will own a pair of Christian Loubintin shoes/boots one day, but probably only ever one pair and only wear them on special occasions.

Okay I’m off track again. (big surprise).

This book made me realize that in this economy, NO ONE IS SAFE!

I seriously need to get my bills under control, maybe move to a smaller/cheaper apartment. This will be hard cos I love my apt.
It’s 2 bdrm, 2 patios, 900sq ft w/two views of water and mountains, and I only pay a fraction of what this apartment would cost me 30 minutes closer to downtown. Even sadder, moving into a 1 bdrm will no doubt cost me the same if not more for a smaller place (more modern) if I don’t want to live in a dumpy basement suite (never again) or in a mold infested apt building. I don’t know what its like in other cities, but Vancouver, the closer you are to downtown the rent goes up and the apts get much much smaller.

We actually have furniture stores that now cater to “loft size”. I live in an older building and have real sized HOUSE furniture, none of this overpriced, downsized scaled furniture to fit EVERYTHING into 400 sq ft crap.

Chances of moving I will have to down size my furniture. I have a 7ft couch, and a smaller love seat. A complete dining room set. And TWO bedrooms! The spare room is for storage now, but the option to get a roommate and pay less would be eliminated. Although this isn’t a bad thing, cos although I’m easy to live with, I don’t like many people enough to share MY space MY things with.

Anyway my point is, I DO have to make some changes (I hate change) and not sure what/how/when to do it. But I better get on it, cos I rather makes these changes cos I WANT TOO by my own choice, and not cos I HAVE TOO by someone else choice. Rather than sit here and be in denial and wait for something to happen. I must be the change I want to see.

Save money
Get out of debt
Maybe move to the island/smaller/cheaper apt
Change jobs (obviously with the move)
Join the gym