UPDATE:
I called the nurses line shortly after writing this entry. I took an ativan and it wasn't kicking in. I called to see if I could take a second one safely. We ended up on the phone for an hour. Out a plan together. And when the nurse felt I was at a reasonable level of panic, she let me go.
I took a bath. Did my breathing practices and no longer felt the need to take the second ativan. I had calmed down enough For it to work.
Saw my family doctor that following Monday. Discussed what happened and my options. We decided to try some medication. Its only been 5 days and I feel the difference. I'm only on a child's dose til we see how it affects me. I'm also still in the side effects stage for another week.
Saw my shrink the Wednesday.
Long story short, I've taken the steps to get the help and have a support system in place. Those friends did reach out the next morning. Some got an ear full, others still have a place in my life.
There ya have it...
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I"m sitting calmly in my apartment, happy with some minor recent changes I've been making to the apartment, my life etc.
...then WHAM! I'm an inconsolable babbling puddle! wth just happened?
Excuse typing errors, as I write this with blurred eyes. Not that's an excuse,but ya know.
To the point:
*I'm losing control of everything! Maybe even reality a little!
*I'm officially broke. My savings have run out, while dealing with my accident claim.
*Roommate is talking about moving out again at the end of the year for school etc.
*Can't find a job in my field.
*My current job may be eliminated come January, and it took me a year to find that one!
*My credit is running out! I've always taken pride at being able to manage my finances, but now it's getting away from me.
*I apparently have allllll these great friends, but I'm always the one making the phone calls.
*I've been pretty good about who is who etc, even after I've narrowed down the dead weight, I thought the ones left over were the ones I could count on. Nope. I called and texted 5 ppl tonight.to ensure they could hear the desperation in my voice! Not 1 replied, although they've seen the messages. 1 replied with buy a dildo. wow. Just deleted them.
*And P. Gawd. I thought things were good between us. Trying to be friends. He cancelled our dinner plans for tonight, stating he just wasn't feeling it after a day of golf. No problem.
However, the problem is one of his friends tagged him in a picture 2 hours later at a restaurant/bar downtown having a good time. Seriously not cool. I had a hard enough time getting over the fact he's never going to love me the way I want him too, and was okay with building a rapport as friends. I thought. Now he can't even be honest with me.
I dont know how many times I've said this to ppl in my life in general conversations.
I rather you be honest and hurt my feelings. At least I can respect it. Lie, deceive me, it leaves me sour and not trusting you.
I'm not expecting any of you to be able to provide a solution, although they are welcome.
I'm losing my shit. I'm scared. Actually scared about everything. My future, in finance, love, mental health. At this point I'm not opposed to being medicated if it's going to help me stay sane, calm and have clarity.
Fuck it. Copy and pasted this to my shrink. I think it will be easier for her to read what a breakdown looks like while its happening.
