Numb

The pang of loneliness for my parents I feel in my heart today, can't be measured or explained in words. It hasn't been this bad in years. Absolutely numb with sadness today.

Really not looking forward to the roommate coming home, who will no doubtingly have some belittling comment about woman who cry being weak.  Actually, if he were to see me actually upset the way I am, I think he would just stay in his room. He's not good with emotions or with showing how to be sympathetic. Not to say he isn't, just isn't good with expressing it.

Not sure how or why this relapse has happened. I wasn't this mopey or upset on their anniversaries, or the fact I missed my Dad's this year, being busy with my own drama. Maybe it has something to do with my sister giving me some validation and acceptance?

It's the kind of numb I simply do not care about anything, anyone or the consequences of anything. Trying to rise a reaction out of me today, would be met with a listless look of disdain for nothing.

Empty robotic mode = survival, I think.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

I forgot my Dad's anniversary.

With all the stress of quitting what would have been a great job, being unemployed, and milestone B-day's, I've been so self absorbed with my own bullshit, I forgot the anniversary of my Dad's passing.

I'm a horrible, horrible person. 

Not once in 8 years have I forgotten. It's not like it's the only day I think about him, I think of him very often. How, HOW could I forget such a day?

I have to go drown my sorrows now, or jump off a bridge or something.

Don't forget to hug and tell someone you love them today, everyday.

xo