I Love Him.....still.

I woke up from a horrible dream in the last few minutes....crying. Hard.

I dreamt that the Douchebag had snuck into my apartment in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. (thinking he was being funny) Not knowing it was him, and not enough time to exit the apartment via one of my patio's, from the time I heard the front door open, I slip off the edge of my bed onto the floor beside my golf club. (yes I actually have one beside my bed). 

However he knew I was there. Laying there absolutely terrified ready to swing, he jumped on the bed hanging his head over the edge yelling "BOO", in that exact same moment without thinking, I swung. Rearing him bloody and completely unconscious.
Screaming, I got up to race from the apartment drawing as much attention to myself as I could.  For whatever reason, I took a second to look at my intruder as I was getting off the floor, making sure he was not faking. (all in a split second), suddenly realizing it was the Douchebag. Not a "real" intruder.

He's not moving. He's not breathing. OMG I've killed him.
Grabbed the phone, called 911 begging for an ambulance and the police.
They all arrive, as I"m explaining what happened.... I wake up.  Crying. Hard.

WTF!!!! seriously, where did this dream come from? And why so awful!? I mean, ya I'm unhappy about the way we carried on our relationship for years passed it's expiry date, but I've never wished him harm. Ever.

So ya, I love him, still. But whhhhhhhhhhhy such a dream?
I feel horrible and I think I"m more upset now at the thought that I had a dream so violent in the first place.

I figure if I got all this down on paper it wouldn't haunt me anymore tonight.

HPHM.

On happier notes.

I finally got my new bed and TV Saturday.
Do you think for a second anything went smoothly? No.

The movers were hired by the friend (SR) I bought the stuff from. I was to pay them.
*EST was 5:30-6pm. I get the call from SR that they will be a little later about 7pm.
That's fine. I cancel my dinner plans.
*8:45 rolls around and I call SR asking where the movers are, now strongly suspecting they stopped to watch the hockey game, despite having been paid to deliver my new belongings. I'm told they are at her house loading up the stuff and should be at my house in 30 mins. We live less than a 3 min WALK from each other, so you can imagine how friggin livid I was when 2 more hours passed and still no sign of the movers, nor can I get a hold of SR anymore.

I've left a fairly unhappy message on her phone explaining this was no longer acceptable to deliver anything after 7pm let alone 11pm. I live in an apartment etc
Not only now have they inconvenienced my whole night, they are planning to deliver in the middle of the night now and disturb all my neighbours? NOT COOL.

*11:15pm I'm on the couch trying to sleep since I've  cleared my room for the new bed, the phone rings. They're here.  They come up introduce themselves, pleasant enough but never offer an apology or reason for the lateness. From the tone and the look on my face I think they knew it was best they just not speak at all. NO TIP for them!

Bed in - Check.
Used 52" flat screen.... wait... TUBE TV? WHAT!?
SR had told me this was an 52" LCD Flat screen... yum there is a huge difference.

This thing is a monster! Although nice, it's huge!

(It's actually 48" projection rear back model according to the model infor on the back- still too big - thing weighs 157lbs as per the infor)

I've been in the possession of this monster for 24 hours now and I've listed it on craplist and FB Market for sale. I even messaged SR explaining although nice, it's simply too big for my apt space (less than 6 ft from either couch... that's just too close)
Before you ask if I can move things around, I can not. The set up for the open floor plan in my apartment is already utilizing it's best format. :(

I'll be messaging SR again tomorrow to see if her husband's friend still wants it, otherwise I am going to sell it. (for more than I bought it for).

Don't get me wrong or think I'm ungrateful, I love that they threw this TV in for almost nothing, wanting me to have nice things. But she did mislead me in it's size and style. If I had the proper space for it, I would certainly keep it.
It just does not work right now.

Sex in the City Marathon - Loves Stinks.

It's Saturday, and I'm blogging from home.
Mostly out of boredom and/or the fact the thoughts in my head will not last til Monday.

I'm still recovering from the 48 stomach bug that has held my body hostage, so I've opted out of my weekend plans to lay on the couch, watch really bad TV, sit in the sun with my coffee with no rush to go anywhere, read a book on local ghosts and hauntings, and of course, watch the sex in the city marathon, then the movie.

Which brings me to now.....

The last two weeks I've been moping over the ex. Just a bump in the whole recovery process. I mean you don't spend 13 on/off years with someone and turn off your feelings like a light switch cos he decided he did not want to spend the rest of his life with you. Douche.

I miss him. I hate that I do, cos I don't want to, but I do.
Then something occurred to me. Slipped my mind for a moment, or two.
He stopped sharing his life with me a long long time ago. He stopped loving me a long time ago. As it turns out, I loved him enough for the both of us. It just wasn't mutual.
And now.... I'm becoming bitter and jaded about all those years.

I was so blinded by his charm, and shithead antics, balanced with all the great things and "just because" he'd do. I couldn't see the relationship was over before it was officially over.

Watching SINTC I'm reminded that I'm the biggest cynic about love and yet, the biggest hopeless romantic. Oxymoron or hypocrite?
I'm Miranda and Carrie all rolled into one. Is it any wonder I'm a loss cause?

I would like to say he's in the past, but he's not. We have mutual friends.
Friends who are closer with him now cos they are best friends with his g/f.
(The one he's with when we're "off" again)
They all work together, well inter-linked from client/agent relationship etc.
It's how we all met.

I've made it clear I never want to hear about him. Please don't ask me if I want to know the latest, cos I'm not asking. At the same time I feel bad a little, cos in essence, I've asked my friends to censor a part of their lives around me.

The solution: Fade those people out of my life. What? It's going to happen anyways as a natural process. These friends are a bigger part of that circle now cos of the connection with the g/f.

Explain to me how I lose friends cos he's not dating one from their circle.
Is this normal? Anyone else go thru this?

I love LOVE and everything that has to do with love.
I've been in love twice. I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of which were long term.
The 3rd was a booty call on/off for the last twenty years. When we were both single, we'd magically find each other and pick up where we left off. No games. No strings. We were friends. No one had to know about our past. I do refer to him as a b/f cos we dated in high school.

Yes I'm capable of a healthy booty call. I'm currently in the process of setting up an ongoing booty call with a guy I'm not attracted too.... but more about that later.

I'm tired of being sad, feeling rejected by the one person who I thought truly got me.

Parts of me feel like I'll never find someone again, almost like I'm not deserving of finding love, cos I'm almost 40 and couldn't make this work.

Know how I know when I really dig someone? I want to cook for them.
I mean I get excited to woo them with my skills that I rarely show.
I cook for my friends, but I don't wow them with anything, and that is a whole other kind of intimacy being created anyway.

I guess what all this rambling is getting to the point of asking. How long am I going to feel hurt over this? I've been rejected before, but somehow this is different, and why such a delay in the grief?

Us not being together is a healthy thing, I know this.
But it doesn't hurt any less cos of it.

...OK I'm going to stop here, I'm not making any more sense. The thoughts and paragraphs are in my head, however, they are not translating properly from brain to pen, paper, the blog.

Single-hood....again

I'm single again. Well I have always technically been single. 
I've been dating a man on and off for 13 years.
We have a lot of history where he's stepped up and been there for me.

We started out as roommates, as I watched him tell lies, cheat, munipulate multiple women at a time, and thought "this is a guy I never want to experience".

Then it happened. We started dating, and of course he cheated and I ended things, heart broken and devestated, cos I was sincerely into him. To him it was a game.
Although, I did learn in later years, he did care, but the drama that was our circle of friends at the time was the demise of us.

Over the years we find ourselves together for convience and comfort if not anything else. We're never exclusive, we're rarely in public together, and yet this arrangement works for me. Until now.

In the past few months, we're both offically single and have been going out in public on dates, meeting up with MY friends (his I hate- always have) and yes, I've found myself getting attached.

I've put this to bed last night.
Knowing he's got the best of both worlds, having his cake and eating it.
Never for a moment did I ever kid myself that he would change for me, if I did, then I would deserve what I got. 

I've told him I can no longer particapate in our arrangement that has worked so well for so long.
I like him. I want more.
Even if he agree'd to wanting more, I'd never be able to trust him. He cheats on.every.single.g/f.
He put a ring on the finger of his last g/f and still cheated on her while they lived together.

Seriously, I'm not foolish enough to fall for that or think he'd be any different.

He once said recently, he wanted us to be sexually exclusive but to date other people....
Can not even begin to tell you all the things wrong with that sentence.

I shed a a few tears, gave myself permission to be sad for a day, and now I'm over it.
But still in the back of my head, I wonder what keeps us coming back to each other over the last 13 years?

Has anyone ever been in this position? Mind says "HELL NO" but my heart still wants what it wants.

Thankfully my brain is the stronger of the two this time around.