It was a gradual process, didn't happen overnight. So gradual, that I didn't even really notice it happening. My shrink would say this is a success. That I've learned to set healthy boundaries, not only for myself, but with others.
My first memory of this was just over a year ago or so. At work, I found a balance of being nice/professional, and rejecting unrealistic requests. I will give credit to the master manipulator I worked with that unknowingly allowed me to practise this skill. Standing up for myself, and against those who thought they could push me around with ease.
This has since moved into my personal relationships. Setting boundaries, learning to say NO, and not feel bad about it. Nor, offering an explanation why. It's freeing.
Not having to defend why I've decided to, or not to do something.
This is a feeling, and a goal I've striven for longer than I care to admit.
In this, knowing my own limits, and myself more, has also let me recognize when others have less than good intentions. Or if relationships are more a one-way street than I knew before.
Not wasting energy, and emotions on those who don't provide a safe, honest, mutual supportive relationship. SUPER GOAL! I've always needed people to like me. Even if I wasn't fond of them. I needed it. That is no longer an issue, which allows me to love myself, and live a life to a fuller extent.
I no longer feel the need to defend my friendships, interests etc to others. That's okay if you don't like A.B.C person in my life, it's not yours. I may not like something about your life, or persons in it. Whilst this doesn't detract from that fact ppl care about me, and only want to see me happy. I allow them to voice their concerns, and I listen, but the end decision is mine. It's also okay if you don't like my hobbies, or interests. I may not like yours either. That doesn't deter that I still like you. We all have our own weirdos we do things with, and without.
Long story short; It's a extremely freeing feeling to be in control of your own feelings, wants, needs, and decisions.
Sunday, 11 February 2018
Sunday, 4 February 2018
2017 a Year in Review
Where to begin!?
First I hope all of you are working towards your goals, whatever they may be.
I've had a year of new, old, used, people, growth, and challenges.
Nov 2017 I joined Meetup.com. as a way to meet new people with similar interests.
You quickly discover that the way the groups are ran, can be a hit and a miss. Same with the people you meet. Seem a little too good to be true? Listen to that, cos its accurate every time.
I joined an age appropriate women group. An abandoned exploring group. Yoga/paddle boarding, a beer group, and a new to being active group.
Some of the groups were rude right from the start. The abandoned group gave incorrect information which lead to 20 of us meeting in the states, at a specific time on the monday of a long weekend. The organizer showed up 4 hours later, trying to tell all of us were wrong etc. How can that be, when all 20 of us arrived roughly at the same time... .a handful of us left and went home as we'd been out and about for 6 hours already, and this was clearly listed as a day time event. it wasn't. Gave email feedback and was rudely told off. Wow. My first group meeting with them and this is it. wow.
I noticed that there is a sister group to this one. Which looks like its run a lot more smoothly. The first group still lists inconsistent information. like be at dinner at 6 and then at xyz spot at 605. can't be in two places at the same time. oh well.
The beer group was/is an amazing set of people. Professionally organized. People from all walks of life here, as long of course as you're over 19. My first meeting there was nice. Met a gf that turned into a friend outside of group meetings. But I was however harassed by one guy constantly to the point the organizers stepped in and told him to back off. I've only been out with this group a handful of times, as they go out a lot!!!
The beginner fitness group. Amazing group of ladies. However the activities lack, and are well above many of fitness levels.
The paddle/yoga group is inactive. Anyone in any group can organize an event. If i wanted to do that, I'd develop my own page. No thanks.
The age appropriate group of women was intense and full of drama.
I met a couple ppl right away that I bonded with. One is didn't work out when she discovered she couldn't push me around, and wasn't interested in the gossip and back stabbing. Another girl was nice but quickly turned into the victim in every aspect of her life. if you asked her more about it, she suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore. She only came around when she wanted something. I dropped her quickly, and she made it all about her. See ya Felisha
In short, I discovered that this isn't the place to make friends. It's a place to find ppl interested in the same things, to do those things with at that time, and at that time only. Basically its a buddy system without making friends. I've deleted most of my groups, as some have penalties for not attending so many in a certain amount of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went surfing in February, in the snow! It was a paddle boarding, surfing, yoga retreat in Tofino. It snowed. It rained. It was sunny. It was awesome!
We had a lodge to ourselves, every room had a shower, no sharing! 3 instructors and 3 guests. Lots of one on one time. It was an experience. The other women there were very serious about chasing storms and trading surf camp stories from around the world. Here I was saying, "I'm just here to have fun." I may as well have had 3 heads. The instructors were great about making sure we all were interactive. Didn't have to be friends, but at least talk. It was good, and weird all at the same time,
For the amount I paid for the week (meals included) I'd go again with ppl I like, and only do the activities I like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In July I had a very severe anxiety attack. One which lead me to call the nurses line, as I was actually scared for my well-being as I couldn't calm down with the anxiety medication I had available to me at the time.
After a significant amount of time on the phone, and the nurse felt I was no longer a risk or danger to myself, we set a plan of actions. I executed them over the following days. Got into to see my doctor and my shrink asap. Ended up agreeing with my GP to go on anxiety medication.
The cipralex at a very low dosage, covers anxiety, ocd, panic, depression. The first 10 days were pure hell. On the 10th day, like a light-switch was turned on, everything was/is amazing!
I can still feel emotions, however I have FULL CONTROL over how I react. It has made life easier on so many levels! I use to be a daily crier. Over anything and everything. Now, I don't cry. I can feel everything, but its in my control. No more knee jerk reactions. Clearer thinking. Calmer in general which allows me to learn new things, meet new people and own my craziness.
Sidenote: taking this medication limits all alcohol intake. I can have a beer here or there, but not often as it makes me feel like I've had 10! No need to drink or have those cravings to drown emotions in alcohol. My wallet and belly are happier!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddle boarding growth. This is my sport! Every time I get into the water I learn something. I've managed to introduce others to the sport, but find its something I'd like to do alone at times.
My last paddle was in August. I had anticipated going alone, and very glad I had not, cos not only did I fall in the water (no biggie) my board went one way, and the tide took me another, and jammed me into a log boom. Which I managed to grab a hold of a log to prevent the tide (although light) the tide was moving in and trying to take my legs and me under the boom. I was more concerned with being stung by a lions manes jellyfish, than worrying about the fact I was holding onto a seal habitat and the seals with their pups only 20 feet away, they were curious but not threatened by me. Phew thank gawd!
It wasn't til the next day I learnt I was indeed injured. After much physio and doctor appointments, it was discovered I had torn something in my elbow. Shockwave therapy ensued. Very painful, although very effective in recovering. Had my last sessions before Xmas.
The girls brought me my board, and we carried on. In that mishap, there were a lot of "what ifs" learned. What if I had been alone? There were no boats on the water that day. No one would have heard my emergency whistle. I would have had to hang out with the sea lions until the rental place noticed I was well passed my return time. Also learnt my PFD wasn't fitted or tighten properly. And exactly why paddling on a river/inlet you never wear a leash on your board. Had I been attached, and the tide took my board under the boom, I'd have to go with it, if unable to release it.
Contacted my sup instructor to take more water safety courses and level 2 sup lessons. She agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in February, I decided I wanted to go back east for Xmas to see my family. They agreed it would be awesome, however I wanted it to be a secret for the rest other than whom I was staying with.
Booked the time off, paid for the trip, and kept my mouth shut for a year.
Xmas comes and I arrive in Ontario. The Aunt and cousin I was staying with asked how the siblings would feel knowing I kept this a secret. I advised them all expect one, would be thrilled or could care less. I explained I was expecting the one sister to lose her shit. (click on the red if you want to read that trip)
Cos if she knew I was out there she would hop on a plane and make it all about her. It was absolutely the best vacation I've taken in a long time. I had signs made up for each family. A saying we grew up with, and a one sign that hung above the door threshold over my grandparents place. We all have specific memories of this.
The signs were a huge hit! Priceless and sentimental. Everyone was surprised, and ecstatic to see me arrive at Xmas dinner, just how we planned it. That night the pictures are now allowed to surface online.
Enter extreme hissy fit from my sister who ruined my last trip east 2 years ago.
Once back at the cousins, I informed them that she did indeed lose her mind. They wanted to know what she said. At first I refused. Cos they don't need to know the real her. The aunt had enough when my sister started texting other family members. She demanded to read the messages. Her face upon reading the ugliness of the messages made her so sad. She was surprised I called this and it happened. My sister made it all about her. Said some really disgusting things to me.
Upon arriving home after my vacation, I decided to sit down and read all her messages. Getting angrier by the minute and still not feeling well from fainting on the plane (didn't adjust to the altitude), I had had enough and fired off a very raw and factual email.
Without the details, I no longer have a relationship with this sister.
She is not to contact me ever again unless she apologies for her behaviour, apologies to the aunts, cousins etc all those she tried to sour my visit with. My cousins wouldn't have it. They simply kept saying how amazing it was that I was there etc. Not replying to her comments. But now, they've all been subjected to the real her. Not my problem.
I'll be high off this visit for a long time! I'm planning more visits outside of major holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work. Oh work! A year ago we were told we'd be rolling out a new computer system that would simplify what/who does what. Of course I asked how this would effect me. I was told that I had nothing to worry about for at least 8 months after the roll out. Roll out starts January 24th, 2018. January 26th, 2018 I was laid off! With additional severance over what they legally owe me.
I wasn't impressed, and called them out on it that THE DAY BEFORE we met and was told I had nothing to worry about, for now. Not for a few months.
Well, I slipped out quietly, didn't say anything to anyone. They agreed to wait until I was gone before sending out the email. People are pissed. Considering they've pulled in a temp to do my job until further notice. hmph. No one is safe. I've had to call the office a couple time for employment forms etc, and was met with very curt and short answers. Wow, I was being polite and friendly.
Not impressed with their behaviour. I worked there 6 years.
I had been struggling with the loyalty balance one should have for their employer. Since if you were to die, they'd have you replaced within a week. So why should anyone, (not just me in this scenario) have any loyalty? It doesn't mean anything. If you were to get sick, they wouldn't take care of you, etc, but you're expected to constantly go over and above what is the norm on a regular basis, for their benefits.
I have no doubts that I've picked the right field to work in . Community safety and communications. you're dealing with the public and contribute how the community functions within society. Bigger picture goodness.
So here I sit. A week into my unemployment stint. Looking for work anywhere! I have an interview next week, which I'll accept if I'm offered the position. It wont be a long term thing, but its good money and helps build my experience within the community. Fingers crossed.
And now we're all caught up.
There are no men to speak of, and I'm okay with that. I know my worth, and don't have time to go about meeting men and wasting time the way I had before. When it feels right, I'll try it again later.
First I hope all of you are working towards your goals, whatever they may be.
I've had a year of new, old, used, people, growth, and challenges.
Nov 2017 I joined Meetup.com. as a way to meet new people with similar interests.
You quickly discover that the way the groups are ran, can be a hit and a miss. Same with the people you meet. Seem a little too good to be true? Listen to that, cos its accurate every time.
I joined an age appropriate women group. An abandoned exploring group. Yoga/paddle boarding, a beer group, and a new to being active group.
Some of the groups were rude right from the start. The abandoned group gave incorrect information which lead to 20 of us meeting in the states, at a specific time on the monday of a long weekend. The organizer showed up 4 hours later, trying to tell all of us were wrong etc. How can that be, when all 20 of us arrived roughly at the same time... .a handful of us left and went home as we'd been out and about for 6 hours already, and this was clearly listed as a day time event. it wasn't. Gave email feedback and was rudely told off. Wow. My first group meeting with them and this is it. wow.
I noticed that there is a sister group to this one. Which looks like its run a lot more smoothly. The first group still lists inconsistent information. like be at dinner at 6 and then at xyz spot at 605. can't be in two places at the same time. oh well.
The beer group was/is an amazing set of people. Professionally organized. People from all walks of life here, as long of course as you're over 19. My first meeting there was nice. Met a gf that turned into a friend outside of group meetings. But I was however harassed by one guy constantly to the point the organizers stepped in and told him to back off. I've only been out with this group a handful of times, as they go out a lot!!!
The beginner fitness group. Amazing group of ladies. However the activities lack, and are well above many of fitness levels.
The paddle/yoga group is inactive. Anyone in any group can organize an event. If i wanted to do that, I'd develop my own page. No thanks.
The age appropriate group of women was intense and full of drama.
I met a couple ppl right away that I bonded with. One is didn't work out when she discovered she couldn't push me around, and wasn't interested in the gossip and back stabbing. Another girl was nice but quickly turned into the victim in every aspect of her life. if you asked her more about it, she suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore. She only came around when she wanted something. I dropped her quickly, and she made it all about her. See ya Felisha
In short, I discovered that this isn't the place to make friends. It's a place to find ppl interested in the same things, to do those things with at that time, and at that time only. Basically its a buddy system without making friends. I've deleted most of my groups, as some have penalties for not attending so many in a certain amount of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went surfing in February, in the snow! It was a paddle boarding, surfing, yoga retreat in Tofino. It snowed. It rained. It was sunny. It was awesome!
We had a lodge to ourselves, every room had a shower, no sharing! 3 instructors and 3 guests. Lots of one on one time. It was an experience. The other women there were very serious about chasing storms and trading surf camp stories from around the world. Here I was saying, "I'm just here to have fun." I may as well have had 3 heads. The instructors were great about making sure we all were interactive. Didn't have to be friends, but at least talk. It was good, and weird all at the same time,
For the amount I paid for the week (meals included) I'd go again with ppl I like, and only do the activities I like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In July I had a very severe anxiety attack. One which lead me to call the nurses line, as I was actually scared for my well-being as I couldn't calm down with the anxiety medication I had available to me at the time.
After a significant amount of time on the phone, and the nurse felt I was no longer a risk or danger to myself, we set a plan of actions. I executed them over the following days. Got into to see my doctor and my shrink asap. Ended up agreeing with my GP to go on anxiety medication.
The cipralex at a very low dosage, covers anxiety, ocd, panic, depression. The first 10 days were pure hell. On the 10th day, like a light-switch was turned on, everything was/is amazing!
I can still feel emotions, however I have FULL CONTROL over how I react. It has made life easier on so many levels! I use to be a daily crier. Over anything and everything. Now, I don't cry. I can feel everything, but its in my control. No more knee jerk reactions. Clearer thinking. Calmer in general which allows me to learn new things, meet new people and own my craziness.
Sidenote: taking this medication limits all alcohol intake. I can have a beer here or there, but not often as it makes me feel like I've had 10! No need to drink or have those cravings to drown emotions in alcohol. My wallet and belly are happier!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddle boarding growth. This is my sport! Every time I get into the water I learn something. I've managed to introduce others to the sport, but find its something I'd like to do alone at times.
My last paddle was in August. I had anticipated going alone, and very glad I had not, cos not only did I fall in the water (no biggie) my board went one way, and the tide took me another, and jammed me into a log boom. Which I managed to grab a hold of a log to prevent the tide (although light) the tide was moving in and trying to take my legs and me under the boom. I was more concerned with being stung by a lions manes jellyfish, than worrying about the fact I was holding onto a seal habitat and the seals with their pups only 20 feet away, they were curious but not threatened by me. Phew thank gawd!
It wasn't til the next day I learnt I was indeed injured. After much physio and doctor appointments, it was discovered I had torn something in my elbow. Shockwave therapy ensued. Very painful, although very effective in recovering. Had my last sessions before Xmas.
The girls brought me my board, and we carried on. In that mishap, there were a lot of "what ifs" learned. What if I had been alone? There were no boats on the water that day. No one would have heard my emergency whistle. I would have had to hang out with the sea lions until the rental place noticed I was well passed my return time. Also learnt my PFD wasn't fitted or tighten properly. And exactly why paddling on a river/inlet you never wear a leash on your board. Had I been attached, and the tide took my board under the boom, I'd have to go with it, if unable to release it.
Contacted my sup instructor to take more water safety courses and level 2 sup lessons. She agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in February, I decided I wanted to go back east for Xmas to see my family. They agreed it would be awesome, however I wanted it to be a secret for the rest other than whom I was staying with.
Booked the time off, paid for the trip, and kept my mouth shut for a year.
Xmas comes and I arrive in Ontario. The Aunt and cousin I was staying with asked how the siblings would feel knowing I kept this a secret. I advised them all expect one, would be thrilled or could care less. I explained I was expecting the one sister to lose her shit. (click on the red if you want to read that trip)
Cos if she knew I was out there she would hop on a plane and make it all about her. It was absolutely the best vacation I've taken in a long time. I had signs made up for each family. A saying we grew up with, and a one sign that hung above the door threshold over my grandparents place. We all have specific memories of this.
The signs were a huge hit! Priceless and sentimental. Everyone was surprised, and ecstatic to see me arrive at Xmas dinner, just how we planned it. That night the pictures are now allowed to surface online.
Enter extreme hissy fit from my sister who ruined my last trip east 2 years ago.
Once back at the cousins, I informed them that she did indeed lose her mind. They wanted to know what she said. At first I refused. Cos they don't need to know the real her. The aunt had enough when my sister started texting other family members. She demanded to read the messages. Her face upon reading the ugliness of the messages made her so sad. She was surprised I called this and it happened. My sister made it all about her. Said some really disgusting things to me.
Upon arriving home after my vacation, I decided to sit down and read all her messages. Getting angrier by the minute and still not feeling well from fainting on the plane (didn't adjust to the altitude), I had had enough and fired off a very raw and factual email.
Without the details, I no longer have a relationship with this sister.
She is not to contact me ever again unless she apologies for her behaviour, apologies to the aunts, cousins etc all those she tried to sour my visit with. My cousins wouldn't have it. They simply kept saying how amazing it was that I was there etc. Not replying to her comments. But now, they've all been subjected to the real her. Not my problem.
I'll be high off this visit for a long time! I'm planning more visits outside of major holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work. Oh work! A year ago we were told we'd be rolling out a new computer system that would simplify what/who does what. Of course I asked how this would effect me. I was told that I had nothing to worry about for at least 8 months after the roll out. Roll out starts January 24th, 2018. January 26th, 2018 I was laid off! With additional severance over what they legally owe me.
I wasn't impressed, and called them out on it that THE DAY BEFORE we met and was told I had nothing to worry about, for now. Not for a few months.
Well, I slipped out quietly, didn't say anything to anyone. They agreed to wait until I was gone before sending out the email. People are pissed. Considering they've pulled in a temp to do my job until further notice. hmph. No one is safe. I've had to call the office a couple time for employment forms etc, and was met with very curt and short answers. Wow, I was being polite and friendly.
Not impressed with their behaviour. I worked there 6 years.
I had been struggling with the loyalty balance one should have for their employer. Since if you were to die, they'd have you replaced within a week. So why should anyone, (not just me in this scenario) have any loyalty? It doesn't mean anything. If you were to get sick, they wouldn't take care of you, etc, but you're expected to constantly go over and above what is the norm on a regular basis, for their benefits.
I have no doubts that I've picked the right field to work in . Community safety and communications. you're dealing with the public and contribute how the community functions within society. Bigger picture goodness.
So here I sit. A week into my unemployment stint. Looking for work anywhere! I have an interview next week, which I'll accept if I'm offered the position. It wont be a long term thing, but its good money and helps build my experience within the community. Fingers crossed.
And now we're all caught up.
There are no men to speak of, and I'm okay with that. I know my worth, and don't have time to go about meeting men and wasting time the way I had before. When it feels right, I'll try it again later.
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