Lighter topics

Lately my topics have gone from dating epic failures to changes in life.
I dont want this blog to get to blah and have no one read it. I have another one for that.

Last night I was in bed by 8pm and slept through til this morning... ya I'm going to the doctors.

Thinking about having some guest writers on my blog.
EvilTwin has made his appearance once and is always welcome back.
I was thinking about including CMcB. She is mensa smart, quirky and opinionated... Why wouldnt I have her include pieces.
TinkBell and maybe a few others.

I'll lay a few topics out and keep them reasonably light. Maybe not. ;p

That's all I have for now.

Happy Tuesday.

So damn tired. Thyroid, flu, birth control

I returned from holidays Sept 8th and since then I"ve been blogged down with the flu that just-wont-leave-my-body!!!

In the last two weeks I've become a lump on a log. Couch/sleeping Olympics - I'm the gold medalist - undefeated world champion! I dare you to win this heat.

I have tried to force myself out of this funk. Is it a funk, or am I still sick?
No appetite, lethargic even at work and with the coffee IV drip on high, I could take a nap at any time. Thyroid out of whack? I'm thinking it's actually the latter.

When my thyroid is out of sorts, a few symptoms must occur before I'll go to the doctor for it.
Dry skin, can not poop, ridiculously thirsty, when I wake in the morning I'm winded, like I've just taken a quick run around the block, and occasionally my hair will start acting weird. (falling out, become increasingly dry etc)

Now any of these issues on their own is nothing to worry about, but when you cluster them together, any doctor would instantly say, "let's check your thyroid".

I haven't gone to the doctor yet, cos I'm hoping it's still the reminisce of the flu, but I'm losing that battle and thinking I should pop down to the clinic and get my blood work down again. (Just had it done 2 months ago) Anyone with thyroid problems and listens to their body, will know when it's time and when it's not.

Thyroid patients usually get their blood work done 1,2,3,4 times a year depending on if the meds have been tweaked just right. You'll know based on how you feel. In addition to my thyroid getting tested, I've always been tested for diabetes too, since I'm over weight and well it's just good practice, cos thyroid issues and diabetes can easily be crossed over. resemble one another.

I'm seriously to exhausted to get up, go to the doc, sit, wait, go home... It's a chore.
One I'm going to have to complete if I want to feel better anytime soon.

While I'm there, I guess I should talk to them about vitamin supplements (another necessity for those on long term meds) and birth control.

Birth Control and Over 35

I'm sure with this title a few men that read me just logged off.

I'm 37, and haven't been on any BCP (birth control pills) for the last 13 years.
I stopped for no reason other than I was no longer sexually active. Never went back on it when I became active again.

I was using condoms as additional protection when I was taking bcp's and never gave it a second thought about going back on them. I've been taking sex ed since the 4th grade (10 yrs old) and even volunteered at the Family Planning Centre in high school.
So I like to think I'm reasonably educated when it comes to BC.

Until now.

I'm over the age of 35, sexually active, a sexual prude about my sexual health, and really never thought about the "what if's" of being in an exclusive relationship.

Exclusive relationship + not wanting kids + over 35 = BC IS NEEDED if I want to really enjoy my partner without condoms.

For those that don't know, there is a whole world of issues that may occur at this age if you are taking bcp's and smoke, or are on long term medications of any kind.
Blood clots, heart attacks, strokes, osteoporosis + bcp is a big study at UBC right now.
Not to mention the affects it may delay or increase in those menopause ages. (BCP are starting to be used now as hormone replacement instead of HRT, 1) doctors know the long term effects of BCP over that of HRT and 2) bcp have a higher dose of proestrogen /estrogen than that of HRT)

Without boring you and lecturing you on a woman's sexual health, in short, my choices for a BC that fit my life style are becoming limited.
I'm healthy aside from being 70 lbs overweight and on a life time of thyroid medication.

What are my choices?
IUD?
Stay with condoms?
Try a low dose BCP? estrogen alone or combined with pro/est?
Nuvaring? (yuck)
Depo shot? (no thanks, I want to know that all the girlie bits are in working order)
I personally think it's unnatural to deliberately stop your period. SO much information about your general health can be learned/known from what/how your monthly womanhood is behaving.

I'll keep it short for now. If anyone knows of other types of BC to look into, I would love your input. Stories, or know of stories. In the mean time I will of course be talking to my doctor and Obgyn.

Mini Self Discovery - I dont know that I like myself right now.

My work place adopts a family every year and the same two people have been running it.
Til last year that is. The main contact left for Hawaii to further her education.
As a result I was asked to take over the task of running this amazing thing.
Not knowing what to expect or how it would affect me, it at all.

I did, and it went extraordinarily well, for the family that it.
However for myself, I was a train wreck.
It was my first Xmas alone, and although it was rewarding in it’s own way to be part of something that allows those less fortunate a chance to have a Christmas,
(it’s for the kids) that was special, even though I was dealing with the adaption of growth myself, I figured I could mustard thru.

I’ve been fighting with the pro/con list of doing it again this year for a few months now. Unfortunately, the cons for me outweighed the pros.
No excuses, it was emotionally taxing on me. I advised the VP I would not be able to run it this year. She was amazingly understanding and graceful about it.
I did tell her why I felt I couldn’t do it again and the turmoil that it was having on me having to even make this decision in the first place.

Parts of me feel selfish and guilty for not running it. That’s not to say I won’t contribute money, gifts, food baskets etc. To do the corporate part of soliciting the staff for donations *I* know they don’t really have themselves, made me feel a little less like Santa and more like a corporate bully.

My heart wasn’t in it.

I hate asking people to donate. It’s one thing to ask the public etc for big events, but when it’s an office of 60 people and you feel the pressure to subtlety suggest people are not being generous enough, is not for me.

In the end we managed to get everything from the wish list, and some. The only way we were able to do so, cos the management that makes 6 figures a year, all donated a few hundred each compared to the 5-60 dollars that the rest of the staff could afford. And the family was so grateful.

So the short of it is, I tried, I successfully fulfilled my obligations and recognized it’s not for me.
(brownie points, right?)

This year, I may be finding myself alone at Xmas again, and although I know I will not be able to handle it, I figured I'd give back to the DTES (downtown east side) during Xmas and maybe looking into volunteering to work in a kitchen over those few days.

Granted that may be harder on me than asking work associates for money, but some how it seems as though it may be more rewarding and an eye opener on just exactly how close everyone is actually one paycheck away from being homeless. Reality check to stop complaining about my own life? Very Possible. Opportunity for personal growth of awareness, and all things society has been shuffling around, more so since the Olympics are coming in 2010 and gawd forbid anyone from another country see we have a homeless issue.

Anyway, I'm just toying with the idea. Maybe I wont go to the extreme of the DTES to start and stick closer to home. And if I do end up with somewhere to go for Xmas I'm not giving back this year. Hate me if you want. It's easy to write all this at the end of September, but come December I wont know what my emotional and mental state will be. An excuse, yes. But one that is mine, and mine only. I know the capabilities of my own mental health. Nice idea, when the time comes I may not be ready. Yet.

Maybe I'll put it on my 40 to do list before 40.

I'm slowly learning things about myself and limits. To want to do something great, and then learn it's just not for you no matter how great the deed would have been, is a hard pill to swallow.

I'm ashamed of myself at times. Then again, I'm being true to myself.

Geez, could I sound anymore selfish and weak right now when there are people out there who have NOTHING and have so much gratitude for those who choose to spend their free time giving back.

it's a work in progress, please be easy with the hate mail. But I'm open to input, suggestions, another view, that may help me sort out the issues of wanting to give back to the community and not wanting to put any strain on my mental stability.

P.S. Everyone please welcome CMcB to reading my blog. She is an old friend I've lost touch with who I've learned has been reading my blog and NEVER comments on it lol. She knows me well, an much about the journay I've been on to recover a better me.

Change is the only constant - Part 3

Part 3.

After my folks passed away, the first few years were numb. Then I got angry, sad, etc all the steps of grieving. In that time, I also made a lot of bad decisions in my love life.

I dated men very briefly just for companionship. Had intimate encounters, again, with men I barely new, and just-did-not-care. Subconsciously I knew what I was doing was wrong, unsafe, morally against what I believed in. All for the sake of not being alone. Feeling loved and wanted if only for a moment. Some how I convinced myself this was a strategic strategy to protect my heart. With that I put my guards up, wrapped my heart in bubble wrap and smiled for protection, dressed up my emotions for my friends. (last sentence are lyrics from separate songs from my friends band) I used them cos they are the perfect words.

I've been unlucky in love. Jilted by men, jaded for having male friends and watch them play the games they do. Smarter/wiser for it. yes. Better off for acting on it. No.

I was talking to a guy I men on the dating site I use.
We did not have the best first start. He was name dropping about his success in his industry, so I sent him a msg blasting him for it. It's a dating site, not a look at my awesome career. We exchanged some surprisingly civil words and I learned how articulate he actually was and the insecurities he exposed to me.

We've recently added each other to FB, not a romantic connection, but a connection of another kind. Last night, I'm not sure how the topic came to be, but we exchanged profiles and tweaked them for one another. Then he did something no one has ever had enough balls to do. He called me out. Not rudely, he has tact, and in it's sincerity he made some very valid points. I've never once had anyone ever talk to me like this. Here is what he said about me solely based on my profile.

"Over confidence from insecurities is a turn off."

Called. Me. Out.

But in the nicest way. There was more chatting afterwards, and I, surprisingly was not once defensive about it. (rarity for me) I didn't bite his head off, for whatever reason a calm came over me. It all made sense suddenly. I want to be more of the lady and let men be men, I could never figure out how without being soooooo independent. Too independent, that I forgot how to let people do things for me, talk to me, just be nice to me. I've had a tendancy of giving off the vibe that I'm strong enough to not need anything ever done for me. Even if it's just chivilary.
(if I stop looking for fights, fights will stop finding me)

Last night I let my guard down. I was vulnerable, honest and never once felt weak.
I felt centered, strong, and more in control.
I'm actually having a hard time finding the correct sentence to express the ease I'm feeling.

Maybe it showed last night, cos my friend from the band said the nicest things to me having no idea whats been going on in my head. A six sense maybe? Coincidence? (this is the second time he's voiced something that applies to my private thoughts)
My "gentleman friend" came to the pub with us, and normally it's a regular night, nothing special, but we had a great time. More of a date. A first for us.

I told DT (online friend) that I applied the things we talked about the night before. That if we were to ever lose touch, he'd always be remembered in my heart for steering me in this direction. Good karma heading his way.

To be continued......
~ Being Samiantha

CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT

I stole this title from "A Babe In The Making". I"m sure she will understand.

I do not have a whole lot to blog about in regards to my dating life, cos it's non existent at the moment.

Instead, I've been acutely aware of change. Change is everywhere. In my life, my friends, my family, work, etc. With that being said, the next dew entries will be about small, large, not worth mentioning "change(s)".

Part 1.
I've become aware that I have no arrangements for my final resting spot in life.
Morbid? Maybe. A necessity? Definitely.

After my parents passed away, I realized just how important it is to have taken care of the financial responsibilities regarding your own death. Sure having a will is one thing, but I refuse to put forward that kind of burden on my love ones I've left behind.
My friends,family, spouse etc will be able to grieve, party, tell bad embarrassing stories at my expense, rather than having to worry about if they can afford to cremate me.

I've decided the following. These are my wishes.
I want to be cremated.
All those important to me, surviving me will receive a piece of me to do what they wish.
Drop me in the ocean, travel with me and leave me somewhere,leave me on a shelf in your home and talk to me, make tea out me, or snort me for all I care.
As long as those left behind are to continue celebrating life, can have closure and a say on how I'm deposited back to the universe, they will now be able to do so.
Their way.
Without a fight of who thinks what is best. I'm telling you now, THIS IS BEST.
Do it or I will haunt your ass.

Regardless what anyone else thinks, this is a very responsible move.
Although I have a tone of questions about where, how, when, who, etc. I've made an appointment with my local funeral home to ask and learn.

Anyone who is able, should do something about these arrangements while you're financially in the position to do so.

Part 2.
Back to change.
It is everywhere. I recently was talking to my extended family (aka Momm) and we got on the topic of how at a certain age we tend to think our lives are set. Friends, home, mental health, job/career etc are all stable.

What I forget and continue to learn about myself and my friends is, we are all reading the same novel, but we're all on different chapters. Some at the beginning, some in the middle, some closer to the end.

My point is, we will eventually all arrive on the same page again and move on or back again and on going. I just hope my friends and I, although on different chapters through out life, remain in the same novel together over time.

Thats all for now.... to be continued

Being Samiantha