A work in progress... always.
I use to think of this as daunting and failure cos I always had something that required change, and/or improvement.
I no longer think of it this way. I now look at it always trying on what fits you. If it doesn't, well you move on and try on something else until it feels right. Improves you, makes you like, even love yourself a bit more.
I grew up thinking by the time you were an adult, or young adult, you should know who you are. What you want. Where you're going. Why? Why does it have to be written in stone? It doesn't.
It doesn't! Think about that for a moment.
Who said, you can't change, or grow based on the conditions of your life, and the hand you were dealt at the time. You grew up in a less than ideal home? Who says you have to live that life yourself? You were a fat kid? Who says that's who you are now?
I look back and noticed how much the plan I had for myself has changed. After my parents passed, it took years to learn, that I don't have to live this life. Get married, have children, buy a home etc.
Not wanting, choosing not to have those things is NOT a failure. It means, I know what works for my life. I will not be shamed for it. Neither should you.
Would I like kids? Yes. Although it was never in the cards for me, and I made the decision to be okay with that at a young age. Do I want to own my own home? Yes. Can I afford it living in Vancouver? No. Not without a spouse. Do I want to get married? Yes! However, as I get older, I've learned that piece of paper, is well, just paper. I want the relationship.
Recently, with the guidance of my practitioners, I chose to go into talk therapy, instead of pill therapy. And what an amazing choice. I've been connected with a shrink who truly provides me a safe place to be uncensored. We discuss a variety of topics, and she gives me tools and homework to think about and try to apply. With that being said, I've changed. For the better.
There is A LOT less self pity, however anger, and anxiety are still present and amped up at times as I work through the process. I'm nesting. Making lists. The more I get thru a list, the more accomplished I feel to tackle more, and the next thing on the list.
Right now, I'm weeding men out, and rebuilding my tribe. Working on the growth of loving myself more. You hear the saying, Love yourself first, and it will make space for good things in your life. Or some variety of that. It's true. However, how many of us really know how to do that? I was too angry for a long, long time to truly know what that meant.
I am no longer making excuses for my changes, or that afraid to make them. I use to sit around feeling sorry for myself that my tribe at the time weren't putting in the effort into me, as I do into them. I was holding onto them cos there was years of history. Or afraid cos then I'd be alone. That terrified me. Like, can not leave the house I'm too sad terrified.
Why is this my fault? Why I am being punished? I'm not. You're not!
These people are simply not your tribe. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be a dramatic break-up, just a moving on and not worrying about it. Finding the right frequency.
If these people were really your tribe, you wouldn't have to think about it, question it.
When the tribe fits, you just know. I'm learning that.
I'm rebuilding that tribe. I've found a venue to find new people to connect with.
My list is compartmentalized: Small example.
1) Get some girlfriends.
I don't have a lot of female friends. Not sure why, I just don't. Sooooo, that was step one. Joined an age appropriate group specific for females to connect. I have my first activity planned with them at the end of the month.
2) Find a group friends that enjoy the same things you do.
Paddle boarding, road-trips, exploring abandoned towns, live music ,sports, breweries etc. These are my key activities I do on a regular basis. I have my first adventurer tomorrow! It was terrifying to call up someone on this group and say hey, I'm Just Saying, and I'd love to come out on this adventure ,can I carpool with you? There are 12 us tomorrow. :)
3) Make my place feel more like a home.
I'm organizing. A lot. Its a little pricey, but worth it to feel in control and accomplished, and too like where I live, coming home to something cozy, comfortable and inviting is amazing. It serves a purpose more than just where I lay my head. A few more things to do around the apartment, but it's already coming together. #1 was creating a proper space for writing. I have a portable kitchen island that I don't really use. It occupies my larger appliances. SO I've turned it into my writing space. Reading lamp, a framed picture and laptop and chair. Whola. Feels right. This is my first entry in the new space.
My list is always shrinking and growing as I think of other things. My lists can be anything from daily chores to more long term goals. Yes I make a list to do laundry.
Example of my everyday list:
- sort and do laundry
-take out garbage
-wash floors
- pick up clothes
-Groceries (outside aisles only)
-nap
Having anxiety, it can be daunting to just think about the process. The lists helps. I've realized this list will be a forever thing. Making these lists work for me. They make me accountable, to myself. Sometimes I make the list and then do nothing for a couple days. I made the list, that was a step.
Back to making new connections:
Granted I know I may not have a connection with everyone I come across in this journey, but knowing they're all there for the same reasons one way or another, is comforting.
I find myself this past week really paying attention to how those I've invested in, treat me. Caught myself saying outloud a few times, "not my tribe".
I recently had a convo with a man I've had a seriously hard time getting over and letting go of.
He said something that woke me up. And my response was, "not my tribe".
"Just because I don't want to talk or hangout doesn't mean we are not friends. It just means I have nothing to say and just don't feel like hanging out."
I'm sorry, but when you don't say more than "golfed and relaxed"when asked how your day was, and "too lazy and/or tired to come out", for the last 3.5 years, um, ya, it means we're not friends. Especially when you're going to dinner, hockey games and other activities with other people. He had an excuse for that too. I smiled, and said okay, You're not my tribe, and deleted him. Done.
He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not.
If you want to be part of my tribe, it has to be a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. Period. You can not be in my tribe, and close the door to yours.
Those are the only rules.
I'll write more as changes develop. I have a good feeling about this journey and 2017.
