This past week I was coming close to throwing in the towel at this temping job.
After a quick discussion with my temp agent, she reassured me, this is MY life and I have to do what is best for me, and all that jazz, that I wouldn't be letting her down etc.
Phew.
I chatted with the roommate about it, surprisingly very well received and understanding. Was harsh about a couple things, but not a jerk. Progress!
Went into work today with a better mind set for myself after the roommate chat.
I was met with huge friendly smile (as normal) from my PM, after a week of her being away. We were able to chat for about an hour today. Covered all the grounds of what bothers me, and my thoughts on leaving them as the pressure to "know it all" right now was insanely overwhelming.
She laughed at me in that "awwww" kind of way. Grabbed the administrator, the GM and we had a meeting about realistic goals. As it turns out, I've been extremely hard on myself to know it all right now. The GM admitted that my position is actually meant to be a two person position, and the training grace period for my position is actually a year! A whole year. Phew, again.
I learned today that there was a meeting in the downtown offices with our GM, HR and our lawyers in regards to the girls who's medical leave I'm covering. In not so many words, my management team admitted they really did not want her to come back. Her medical claim may be false. In addition to that, they legally have to have "a" position for her, should she choose to return. Doesn't mean she's going to get her old position back.
Over all, it was a much better day, knowing I have time to get to know the quirky in's and outs of this job. So.much.better today.
The feed back they were able to share with me, that they shared with HR today, when asked how I was working out. They really like me. I am a great personally fit, great attitude, even when I have mini melt downs from trying so hard to "get it". They see the potential I offer in the position, and like what they see. It's a demanding job, I'm not afraid of that, it was all the guessing if I'm doing something right was taxing.
All that makes the commute a little more tolerable. Not to mention should I get hired permanent from temping, the wages will go up roughly 6-8G more than I was making at the Bargle Company for the last 5 years.
Big Breath.
I won't completely relax until the position is offered to me. Until then, I could be let go at any time if the medical leave girl comes back, or gawd forbid, I mess up an account so bad etc.
Friday, 30 March 2012
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Numb
The pang of loneliness for my parents I feel in my heart today, can't be measured or explained in words. It hasn't been this bad in years. Absolutely numb with sadness today.
Really not looking forward to the roommate coming home, who will no doubtingly have some belittling comment about woman who cry being weak. Actually, if he were to see me actually upset the way I am, I think he would just stay in his room. He's not good with emotions or with showing how to be sympathetic. Not to say he isn't, just isn't good with expressing it.
Not sure how or why this relapse has happened. I wasn't this mopey or upset on their anniversaries, or the fact I missed my Dad's this year, being busy with my own drama. Maybe it has something to do with my sister giving me some validation and acceptance?
It's the kind of numb I simply do not care about anything, anyone or the consequences of anything. Trying to rise a reaction out of me today, would be met with a listless look of disdain for nothing.
Empty robotic mode = survival, I think.
Really not looking forward to the roommate coming home, who will no doubtingly have some belittling comment about woman who cry being weak. Actually, if he were to see me actually upset the way I am, I think he would just stay in his room. He's not good with emotions or with showing how to be sympathetic. Not to say he isn't, just isn't good with expressing it.
Not sure how or why this relapse has happened. I wasn't this mopey or upset on their anniversaries, or the fact I missed my Dad's this year, being busy with my own drama. Maybe it has something to do with my sister giving me some validation and acceptance?
It's the kind of numb I simply do not care about anything, anyone or the consequences of anything. Trying to rise a reaction out of me today, would be met with a listless look of disdain for nothing.
Empty robotic mode = survival, I think.
Validation
I gotz it.
...from a sibling!
One of my sisters has consistently been making as much effort into our relationship as I have. She called yesterday to say Hi. We chatted for a few hours until my cordless phone died. I really need to get a new battery for it.
We covered many topics, one of which seems to be a sore spot for my siblings to discuss with me. My biological father. They've been protective about how much I learn, but I've been asking since I was 17, I'm 40 this year. I think I can handle whatever you can tell me.
We got onto the topic of LC and the current plan of action she has at the moment. Upon which I shared things I've been doing to assist, support, her the best I can etc.
I've always known a part of how strongly I feel about this topic has to do with what my mother went thru and the strength she endured as a result.
We covered many other topics, some light, some heavier. With that a very sincere compliment came from my sister. Ya, everyone says "you know how I feel", although it's actually nice to hear the actual reasons. She had a moment. Sharing how she admired my loyalty, strength, and was proud of the woman I've turned into. And that our Mum would be extremely proud. Knowing I've taken the higher road with LC and put our issues back burner to help her thru the bigger picture.
It was nice to hear it. I've been weepy ever since. All I've ever wanted from my siblings was to be accepted and seen as an adult. Not the little kid I felt they had animosity towards, cos they HAD to be responsible for me as teenagers, as our Mother had to work full time.
It may have only been one sibling of 5 that said it. I'll take it. Beggar's can't be choosers. Can't not articulate just what a milestone in my life this is. The validation it gives me. I shouldn't still urn for it. Human nature says otherwise - it's natural to want.
Roommate:
We've been getting along less and less lately. I wonder how much of our clashes come from a more deep rooted issue than something I've said in a wrong tone.
Having said, "Have fun" as a response to him having a friend over, resulted with accusing me of not treating him as an adult, being jealous, petty, weird and a skank.
All that from "have fun". Granted, my tone may have not been perfect, though it was sincere.
We're no longer being intimate, so his sexual health is no longer my concern or business. Yes, I can turn it off, just like that.
I'd really like for us to have the rapport to become friends, I just have to accept that is never going to happen to the degree I'd like it to grow. Can't force a friendship on someone who doesn't seem to want it.
Funny how you can care about someone who shares a home with you, and not be the traditional sense of "friends".
I accept him in all his quirks, and can see the great man he is; in spite of the rough hand he was dealt growing up. It's just a shame I seem to drive him insane.
Hopefully this too shall pass.
...from a sibling!
One of my sisters has consistently been making as much effort into our relationship as I have. She called yesterday to say Hi. We chatted for a few hours until my cordless phone died. I really need to get a new battery for it.
We covered many topics, one of which seems to be a sore spot for my siblings to discuss with me. My biological father. They've been protective about how much I learn, but I've been asking since I was 17, I'm 40 this year. I think I can handle whatever you can tell me.
We got onto the topic of LC and the current plan of action she has at the moment. Upon which I shared things I've been doing to assist, support, her the best I can etc.
I've always known a part of how strongly I feel about this topic has to do with what my mother went thru and the strength she endured as a result.
We covered many other topics, some light, some heavier. With that a very sincere compliment came from my sister. Ya, everyone says "you know how I feel", although it's actually nice to hear the actual reasons. She had a moment. Sharing how she admired my loyalty, strength, and was proud of the woman I've turned into. And that our Mum would be extremely proud. Knowing I've taken the higher road with LC and put our issues back burner to help her thru the bigger picture.
It was nice to hear it. I've been weepy ever since. All I've ever wanted from my siblings was to be accepted and seen as an adult. Not the little kid I felt they had animosity towards, cos they HAD to be responsible for me as teenagers, as our Mother had to work full time.
It may have only been one sibling of 5 that said it. I'll take it. Beggar's can't be choosers. Can't not articulate just what a milestone in my life this is. The validation it gives me. I shouldn't still urn for it. Human nature says otherwise - it's natural to want.
Roommate:
We've been getting along less and less lately. I wonder how much of our clashes come from a more deep rooted issue than something I've said in a wrong tone.
Having said, "Have fun" as a response to him having a friend over, resulted with accusing me of not treating him as an adult, being jealous, petty, weird and a skank.
All that from "have fun". Granted, my tone may have not been perfect, though it was sincere.
We're no longer being intimate, so his sexual health is no longer my concern or business. Yes, I can turn it off, just like that.
I'd really like for us to have the rapport to become friends, I just have to accept that is never going to happen to the degree I'd like it to grow. Can't force a friendship on someone who doesn't seem to want it.
Funny how you can care about someone who shares a home with you, and not be the traditional sense of "friends".
I accept him in all his quirks, and can see the great man he is; in spite of the rough hand he was dealt growing up. It's just a shame I seem to drive him insane.
Hopefully this too shall pass.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
New Update
You're not crazy. I deleted the last post.
He said something entirely too specific, that I only wrote here, it's clear he's found the blog.
This does not mean I'm going to stop blogging about him, although I will air our laundry a little differently.
Off to bed now.
He said something entirely too specific, that I only wrote here, it's clear he's found the blog.
This does not mean I'm going to stop blogging about him, although I will air our laundry a little differently.
Off to bed now.
Monday, 19 March 2012
New Job Might Not Be Worth the Headache
Just what the title says.
I like my job. I like the people. I don't mind the commute.
The training... I hate. Nonexistent, and no one in my office knows how to do what I'm suppose to do. I'm all for working hard, and learning, but it shouldn't be this hard.
I'm being asked to do things where I couldn't seriously makes things very ugly if I do it wrong. I understand and know why it has to be done; however guessing where to pull the data from? A whole other story.
There is no written schedule when deadlines are, or when they are due. I'm suppose to pull that infor out of thin air too.
I could stress and continue to be overwhelmed and frustrated at the fact I can see the light, but can't reach it. Learn all this stuff, gain the experience and risk the girl I've replaced on medical leave coming back. Or I could throw in the towel.
I'll give it a little longer to get the swing of things. I'm a good fit for this position, it's everything and more I wanted.
Learning a position with no training, is like being dropped in another country completely alone, and not knowing a lick of their language. It's frustrating.
How are you?
I like my job. I like the people. I don't mind the commute.
The training... I hate. Nonexistent, and no one in my office knows how to do what I'm suppose to do. I'm all for working hard, and learning, but it shouldn't be this hard.
I'm being asked to do things where I couldn't seriously makes things very ugly if I do it wrong. I understand and know why it has to be done; however guessing where to pull the data from? A whole other story.
There is no written schedule when deadlines are, or when they are due. I'm suppose to pull that infor out of thin air too.
I could stress and continue to be overwhelmed and frustrated at the fact I can see the light, but can't reach it. Learn all this stuff, gain the experience and risk the girl I've replaced on medical leave coming back. Or I could throw in the towel.
I'll give it a little longer to get the swing of things. I'm a good fit for this position, it's everything and more I wanted.
Learning a position with no training, is like being dropped in another country completely alone, and not knowing a lick of their language. It's frustrating.
How are you?
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
I'm Alive...Temping....Still
Hi Stalkers!
I haven't forgotten about any of you! I'm reading you and even commenting *gasp*, although I have no strength to post an entry myself.
I'm still temping. For a large commericial property broker in N.Vancouver. I'm commuting roughly 2-3 hours a day ontop of a 8 hour day. I'm busy and tired. Buy the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is hope on my commuter, or look at text/email/phone messages I couldn't return during the day cos I was too busy skipping lunch to get shit off my desk.
However, the highlight of my commute, and I'm sure for everyone else too (as it gets really quiet) as we pass over the Lions Gate Bridge coming to/from the north shore. Where the ocean just opens up from the Burrard Inlet. My commute runs me right thru Stanley Park causeway at the best part. Prospect Point. The highest point of Stanley Park.
Aside from that. I'm tired. I'll update more later.
Stay classy friends. Or not, I need something to read!
I haven't forgotten about any of you! I'm reading you and even commenting *gasp*, although I have no strength to post an entry myself.
I'm still temping. For a large commericial property broker in N.Vancouver. I'm commuting roughly 2-3 hours a day ontop of a 8 hour day. I'm busy and tired. Buy the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is hope on my commuter, or look at text/email/phone messages I couldn't return during the day cos I was too busy skipping lunch to get shit off my desk.
However, the highlight of my commute, and I'm sure for everyone else too (as it gets really quiet) as we pass over the Lions Gate Bridge coming to/from the north shore. Where the ocean just opens up from the Burrard Inlet. My commute runs me right thru Stanley Park causeway at the best part. Prospect Point. The highest point of Stanley Park.
Aside from that. I'm tired. I'll update more later.
Stay classy friends. Or not, I need something to read!
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