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Thursday, 12 January 2012
Stress is a BITCH! FML
Ensue rambling....
**I'm stressed to the point of my face breaking out! A week. 8 days, before I take my last fucking Accutane pill. I put my body thru 10 months of bone pain, hair falling out, bleeding noses, dry itchy skin, and extreme fatigue. And for what? Was it all for nothing?
**Can't find a job that pays enough to pay my bills (without a roommate) and stressed to the point I'm a mega uber bitch.
**Stressed to the point that the roommate and I are barely on speaking terms. Ya I hurt his feelings last week by having a guy over, (he came home hours early) and it pissed him off. It wasn't til I ranted to a friend she mentioned he's jealous. I thought, that's sweet, and weird. Cos he has a gf. Which means nothing these days from the track record my male friends have. So what does he do? He has 2 different girls over in 3 days, flaunting the point of having them over.
The one didn't bother me, but the other; there was something about the way he primped for her arrival that got completely under my skin.
Oh, let's back up here, Single and Picky knows this, but the rest of you don't. We slept together. Yup. He has a gf and I did it anyways. Horrible I know. And until now, it's never been an issue. We've carried on like it was nothing.
The short of it is, we're both jealous. He was upset and jealous that I,(see single) had a guy over for intimate adventures, and did it to get back at me to intentionally be hurtful.
We talked about it yesterday and thought we came to an agreement of stepping back and starting from scratch. I walked away feeling good about it, that is, until I got home today and I'm at the receiving end of one word answers and grunts. Clearly still being hurt by my shitty attitude (it wasn't great) towards him cos he had someone over Monday. It was just the last small thing on the rest of my stress that completely set me off. Cried most of Monday out of sheer frustrations about everything. I tried to tell him we need to get pass this, cos I apologized once, for taking out my elevated stress levels out on him when he really didn't deserve it. Nope, still being a jerk.
Men, is being jerky a defensive mechanism to protect your feelings???
He's even gone as far as threatening (or stating fact)to move out twice in the last 24 hours. Which really made me smirk:
1) HE gave me a deadline of when *I* needed to have a job by, or he'd move out.
2) If talking about why he's mad at me, and trying to find a compromise is going to be an ongoing issue, he has no problem moving out.
3) In a very defensive tone, advised me we would never be sleeping together, ever, ever again!!! I just stood there and nonchalantly said "That sucks, but okay. It is what it is. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind". What else was I suppose to say?
1) It's my fucking apt, I'm a big girl. I know how long I can make my severance last. He shouldn't be concerning himself with that. If I think I'm going to have an issue, I'll let him know and he can make other arrangements. Not the other way around.
2) If living together and not speaking is acceptable to him, I can live with that. I didn't NEED him to live here. Ya it surely helps right now, but I managed for 9 years prior to him being here.
If he needs an out, then just take one. Don't pick a fight with me to warrant a reason to do so. So, I'll be giving him all the space he needs. And yes, it does hurts that our rapport isn't going to grow into a closer friendship. I need to be liked. Mostly for the fact we share a small space. But I'll be damned if I'll have a roommate dictate to me a deadline to find employment. Had he said it differently, I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as defensive as I am right now. It is his personality to have conflict with women. He did warn me ahead of time that he was difficult to live with. And I ignored it, cos until now, he's been easy peasy to live with.
3) Ok. It is what it is. And really it is. He's got a ridiculously delicious body, but that's it. When the Douche and I broke up forever ago now, I had settled to the conclusion that my sex life was never going to be great again. So far, true. The only part about not sleeping together anymore, was, I was getting that fix of feeling wanted and desirable for those moments. Just enough to keep me sane and not going bat shit crazy. And that part sucks and will be missed.
I'm sure we'll smooth things over in time, a long time, cos man can he hold a grudge. I thought I was bad. We're both jealous of each other's love lives and shouldn't be one bit. We're fucked up.
All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I've had more stress cries in the past two weeks than I know what to really do with. I've never been unemployed more than a couple days at the longest. The fact I'm officially on Day 11 of being so, kills me, I'm bored, adding the stress of mutual jealously, and stress about my face... *sniff* *tear*.
FML. I'm hurt. I'm fragile, scared and unliked by the person living in my house.
**I'm stressed to the point of my face breaking out! A week. 8 days, before I take my last fucking Accutane pill. I put my body thru 10 months of bone pain, hair falling out, bleeding noses, dry itchy skin, and extreme fatigue. And for what? Was it all for nothing?
**Can't find a job that pays enough to pay my bills (without a roommate) and stressed to the point I'm a mega uber bitch.
**Stressed to the point that the roommate and I are barely on speaking terms. Ya I hurt his feelings last week by having a guy over, (he came home hours early) and it pissed him off. It wasn't til I ranted to a friend she mentioned he's jealous. I thought, that's sweet, and weird. Cos he has a gf. Which means nothing these days from the track record my male friends have. So what does he do? He has 2 different girls over in 3 days, flaunting the point of having them over.
The one didn't bother me, but the other; there was something about the way he primped for her arrival that got completely under my skin.
Oh, let's back up here, Single and Picky knows this, but the rest of you don't. We slept together. Yup. He has a gf and I did it anyways. Horrible I know. And until now, it's never been an issue. We've carried on like it was nothing.
The short of it is, we're both jealous. He was upset and jealous that I,(see single) had a guy over for intimate adventures, and did it to get back at me to intentionally be hurtful.
We talked about it yesterday and thought we came to an agreement of stepping back and starting from scratch. I walked away feeling good about it, that is, until I got home today and I'm at the receiving end of one word answers and grunts. Clearly still being hurt by my shitty attitude (it wasn't great) towards him cos he had someone over Monday. It was just the last small thing on the rest of my stress that completely set me off. Cried most of Monday out of sheer frustrations about everything. I tried to tell him we need to get pass this, cos I apologized once, for taking out my elevated stress levels out on him when he really didn't deserve it. Nope, still being a jerk.
Men, is being jerky a defensive mechanism to protect your feelings???
He's even gone as far as threatening (or stating fact)to move out twice in the last 24 hours. Which really made me smirk:
1) HE gave me a deadline of when *I* needed to have a job by, or he'd move out.
2) If talking about why he's mad at me, and trying to find a compromise is going to be an ongoing issue, he has no problem moving out.
3) In a very defensive tone, advised me we would never be sleeping together, ever, ever again!!! I just stood there and nonchalantly said "That sucks, but okay. It is what it is. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind". What else was I suppose to say?
1) It's my fucking apt, I'm a big girl. I know how long I can make my severance last. He shouldn't be concerning himself with that. If I think I'm going to have an issue, I'll let him know and he can make other arrangements. Not the other way around.
2) If living together and not speaking is acceptable to him, I can live with that. I didn't NEED him to live here. Ya it surely helps right now, but I managed for 9 years prior to him being here.
If he needs an out, then just take one. Don't pick a fight with me to warrant a reason to do so. So, I'll be giving him all the space he needs. And yes, it does hurts that our rapport isn't going to grow into a closer friendship. I need to be liked. Mostly for the fact we share a small space. But I'll be damned if I'll have a roommate dictate to me a deadline to find employment. Had he said it differently, I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as defensive as I am right now. It is his personality to have conflict with women. He did warn me ahead of time that he was difficult to live with. And I ignored it, cos until now, he's been easy peasy to live with.
3) Ok. It is what it is. And really it is. He's got a ridiculously delicious body, but that's it. When the Douche and I broke up forever ago now, I had settled to the conclusion that my sex life was never going to be great again. So far, true. The only part about not sleeping together anymore, was, I was getting that fix of feeling wanted and desirable for those moments. Just enough to keep me sane and not going bat shit crazy. And that part sucks and will be missed.
I'm sure we'll smooth things over in time, a long time, cos man can he hold a grudge. I thought I was bad. We're both jealous of each other's love lives and shouldn't be one bit. We're fucked up.
All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I've had more stress cries in the past two weeks than I know what to really do with. I've never been unemployed more than a couple days at the longest. The fact I'm officially on Day 11 of being so, kills me, I'm bored, adding the stress of mutual jealously, and stress about my face... *sniff* *tear*.
FML. I'm hurt. I'm fragile, scared and unliked by the person living in my house.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Being Honest...
....with myself.
Admitting my emotional weaknesses. My needs, wants, trust issues and insecurities.
I haven't been doing so with myself as much as I should in the past years.
I've always sucked it up and faked it, til you make it. In the last week in a few conversations, it's come up and I've willingly admitted to being the following things:
Jealous: I'm occasionally jealous of my friends success, in a good way. However, I've been told a few times in the last year I've shown mildly jealously traits towards about men. Sadly, it's true. I've never been a jealous person, I've never seen the point. Though now I recognize it, and simply admit it when it's taking place. I'm no where near the crazy physco's, though I get the twitch and tingle of envy, sadness and wanting what someone else has. The roommate has called me out on it one, and I openly agreed I was. It was easier than disagreeing and being teased about it later.
Emotionally Insecurities: Okay, what women doesn't have them? I use to think they make me weak. Though now just admitting to it and owning it, it doesn't bother me as much, and I care much much less what others think about it.
Openly Affectionate: I've never been one for sappy, sloppy public displays of affection. Not in the sickening cuteness pet names way; I like the inside jokes, they way a spouse strongly gentle puts his hand on your lower back when passing by you in the kitchen or out and about. The most simple forms of affection are so much better than big gestures. Laying about in the house or in bed and have an arm rested on you, or leaning against each other. Pecks on the cheek just because and holding hands! I love holding hands! There is something so simple, romantic, and intimate about it.
Needs: I need a lot of things. I need the people in my life to like me. I need to be liked in general. I need the occasional reassurance that I'm loved, wanted, desired by friends and spouses. I need mutual two-way street relationships. I've spent so much time being miserable about siblings, friends and spouses not returning the effort I make. I know what it takes to make relationships work. It's infuriating when it's not returned, or even acknowledged, or simply blown to the wayside like it didn't matter. That hurts.
Wants: I want the relationships I have to be mutual. Understood. Loving. Honest. Granted I know there are hiccups in every level, every type of relationships. I want to be wanted. I want men to be honest and stop the bullshit games they play. Same with my friends. I want them to step up and be friends, not just passing acquaintances who take and give nothing back.
Trust Issues: I have them. In recent years, men haven't exactly given me a reason to take them, or anyone for that matter, at their word. I've become overly cynical as a result. Making me look jaded, jilted and bitter. And I am. I don't want to be. The only difference is now, when my gut tells me something isn't on the up and up, I'm going to trust that instinct and walk away. Rather than ignoring it forcing myself to make excuses for people and really try to see the good in them. If it's not there, it's not there. I won't dig for it or force it, or even try to have enough trust for both of us. It has to be mutual.
Maybe turning 40 this year I've completely stepped into my own and really know myself better than I have in the past. Or at least admitted to what I've always know but somehow saw as a weakness before.
So there you have it. A small part of my onion I've peeled back for you to see. For everyone to see. It's who I am, so why hide it?
Admitting my emotional weaknesses. My needs, wants, trust issues and insecurities.
I haven't been doing so with myself as much as I should in the past years.
I've always sucked it up and faked it, til you make it. In the last week in a few conversations, it's come up and I've willingly admitted to being the following things:
Jealous: I'm occasionally jealous of my friends success, in a good way. However, I've been told a few times in the last year I've shown mildly jealously traits towards about men. Sadly, it's true. I've never been a jealous person, I've never seen the point. Though now I recognize it, and simply admit it when it's taking place. I'm no where near the crazy physco's, though I get the twitch and tingle of envy, sadness and wanting what someone else has. The roommate has called me out on it one, and I openly agreed I was. It was easier than disagreeing and being teased about it later.
Emotionally Insecurities: Okay, what women doesn't have them? I use to think they make me weak. Though now just admitting to it and owning it, it doesn't bother me as much, and I care much much less what others think about it.
Openly Affectionate: I've never been one for sappy, sloppy public displays of affection. Not in the sickening cuteness pet names way; I like the inside jokes, they way a spouse strongly gentle puts his hand on your lower back when passing by you in the kitchen or out and about. The most simple forms of affection are so much better than big gestures. Laying about in the house or in bed and have an arm rested on you, or leaning against each other. Pecks on the cheek just because and holding hands! I love holding hands! There is something so simple, romantic, and intimate about it.
Needs: I need a lot of things. I need the people in my life to like me. I need to be liked in general. I need the occasional reassurance that I'm loved, wanted, desired by friends and spouses. I need mutual two-way street relationships. I've spent so much time being miserable about siblings, friends and spouses not returning the effort I make. I know what it takes to make relationships work. It's infuriating when it's not returned, or even acknowledged, or simply blown to the wayside like it didn't matter. That hurts.
Wants: I want the relationships I have to be mutual. Understood. Loving. Honest. Granted I know there are hiccups in every level, every type of relationships. I want to be wanted. I want men to be honest and stop the bullshit games they play. Same with my friends. I want them to step up and be friends, not just passing acquaintances who take and give nothing back.
Trust Issues: I have them. In recent years, men haven't exactly given me a reason to take them, or anyone for that matter, at their word. I've become overly cynical as a result. Making me look jaded, jilted and bitter. And I am. I don't want to be. The only difference is now, when my gut tells me something isn't on the up and up, I'm going to trust that instinct and walk away. Rather than ignoring it forcing myself to make excuses for people and really try to see the good in them. If it's not there, it's not there. I won't dig for it or force it, or even try to have enough trust for both of us. It has to be mutual.
Maybe turning 40 this year I've completely stepped into my own and really know myself better than I have in the past. Or at least admitted to what I've always know but somehow saw as a weakness before.
So there you have it. A small part of my onion I've peeled back for you to see. For everyone to see. It's who I am, so why hide it?
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Good Read!
I swear to gawd this was written for me, about me, too me.
Seriously, these were some things I talked to myself about improving on for 2012.
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.
Enjoy.
Seriously, these were some things I talked to myself about improving on for 2012.
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.
Enjoy.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Happy 2012!
After last night's complete melt down. I feel so much better and lighter!
I feel goooood. I purged the house of all things that do not need to be held onto.
The front hall closet is now the main house pantry, and the kitchen cupboards, well, we have a shitload of room for other things now.
Gathered all old pictures (without negatives) and other negatives for the safety deposit box. Until I find someone kind enough to let me use their colour scanner for a full day, they have to stay safe. I have my parents, my siblings, and my own report cards, badges and certificates from all sorts of things from my parents and siblings youth. Even have a couple hospital wrist bands from when they were born.
I'll pass these items onto them at some point. I tried to a year or two after my parents passed and the siblings weren't interested in having a part of their past. Now, it's a different story. More than a decade has passed and now, they're wishing they had that kind of stuff. Forgetting I have been keeping it safe.
It's times like these that my siblings take pride in the fact I'm extremely sentimental and sensitive, rather than teasing me for it. Your history is important, and how many people have a load of it sitting in one spot, and not spread out throughout the family, not really knowing where it is or how to find it.
I opened an ancestry.ca account two years ago. Made a family tree, than quickly grew into a huge tree. Gave the link to all the cousins and asked them update their portions etc. Although a slow time consuming procedure; how cool would it be to be able to post report cards, pictures, and other documents on that account for the future of our ancestors to find one day. Seriously, I have enough documents to make a friggin commercial out of it. Although it will mean having to pay for the account. I'm currently using the free portion. But what's a few dollars a year to maintain your history for others to find? Priceless.
Also moved some items to storage. Since without a car, I'm not going to have an spontaneous moments of grab all my camping gear and skip over to the Island for the weekend on a whim. No point keeping that stuff in the apt anymore. Our storage room is only open 9-5M-F. The old building manager was notorious for never unlocking it, leaving people angry that they couldn't access their stuff. That's not the case anymore, sooooo I don't need to store it my apt.
Next step, will be to revamp the actual storage unit itself. I'm holding onto boxes of sentimental things. Things in hind insight are not really all that sentimental anymore:
-Every single birthday, Xmas or just because card, and letters I've ever received from family and friends.
-Every single letter and note LC and I wrote to each other when we were kids and adults, until computers became a standard appliance in households. These actually take up several shoe boxes inside a 2 huge moving box. That's space I could use for something else more useful.
-A box of childhood stuff animals. Yes I'm never actually going to put these on display. But they have memories. I think it's time to let them go. I keep one in my closet that has the most value to me.
- Old old old camping stuff. That shit can be thrown out and updated later on.
Baby steps in purging my past. Huge emotional growth. :-)
I feel goooood. I purged the house of all things that do not need to be held onto.
The front hall closet is now the main house pantry, and the kitchen cupboards, well, we have a shitload of room for other things now.
Gathered all old pictures (without negatives) and other negatives for the safety deposit box. Until I find someone kind enough to let me use their colour scanner for a full day, they have to stay safe. I have my parents, my siblings, and my own report cards, badges and certificates from all sorts of things from my parents and siblings youth. Even have a couple hospital wrist bands from when they were born.
I'll pass these items onto them at some point. I tried to a year or two after my parents passed and the siblings weren't interested in having a part of their past. Now, it's a different story. More than a decade has passed and now, they're wishing they had that kind of stuff. Forgetting I have been keeping it safe.
It's times like these that my siblings take pride in the fact I'm extremely sentimental and sensitive, rather than teasing me for it. Your history is important, and how many people have a load of it sitting in one spot, and not spread out throughout the family, not really knowing where it is or how to find it.
I opened an ancestry.ca account two years ago. Made a family tree, than quickly grew into a huge tree. Gave the link to all the cousins and asked them update their portions etc. Although a slow time consuming procedure; how cool would it be to be able to post report cards, pictures, and other documents on that account for the future of our ancestors to find one day. Seriously, I have enough documents to make a friggin commercial out of it. Although it will mean having to pay for the account. I'm currently using the free portion. But what's a few dollars a year to maintain your history for others to find? Priceless.
Also moved some items to storage. Since without a car, I'm not going to have an spontaneous moments of grab all my camping gear and skip over to the Island for the weekend on a whim. No point keeping that stuff in the apt anymore. Our storage room is only open 9-5M-F. The old building manager was notorious for never unlocking it, leaving people angry that they couldn't access their stuff. That's not the case anymore, sooooo I don't need to store it my apt.
Next step, will be to revamp the actual storage unit itself. I'm holding onto boxes of sentimental things. Things in hind insight are not really all that sentimental anymore:
-Every single birthday, Xmas or just because card, and letters I've ever received from family and friends.
-Every single letter and note LC and I wrote to each other when we were kids and adults, until computers became a standard appliance in households. These actually take up several shoe boxes inside a 2 huge moving box. That's space I could use for something else more useful.
-A box of childhood stuff animals. Yes I'm never actually going to put these on display. But they have memories. I think it's time to let them go. I keep one in my closet that has the most value to me.
- Old old old camping stuff. That shit can be thrown out and updated later on.
Baby steps in purging my past. Huge emotional growth. :-)
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