Closed That Novel.

I was watching a chick flick earlier and something clicked, and a light bulb came on extremely bright about my previous relationship.

You would think my next action would be out of haste. Surprisingly it was a very calm moment, and I threw away our past. The gifts. The secrets we shared. The laughs. The special inside jokes. Our memories.

I've let them all go. Not holding onto them.

The songs below use to be songs we'd use to tourment each other, to express love, and agnst etc.  It hurt for a long time in the last couple years to hear them. Cos they expressed our relationship in it's entirety. And now... they no longer hold those same meanings to me. Now they are just songs on the radio.

I can only imagine how bitter and jaded this entry must sound. It's not.

You were that good book I just couldn't put down. Now, I've read you, cover to cover, many, many times. There isn't anything more I could have missed from reading it one more time.

I just took a big breath and let it all go.... Onto the next novel and chapters in my life.

I'll Keep Your Memory Vague.

You'll Think Of Me

Castle In The Sand.

Employment is NOT an option.

I just had one of the agencies I'm using to find employment advise me, she wouldn't apply on my behalf to a position I asked her to.

She is afraid I'm over qualified, and will end up being bored.  I was furious with her and replied the following. "Fair enough, that's considerate. However, let that be my decision. It's my livelihood, not yours, and please do not act as though the choice of whether or not to be employed was an option. This position pays enough that I can pay my bills and rent. I'd appreciate it if you applied to it regardless."

That's what I look for in positions too. Can I afford to live without a roommate, in case he ever moved out.  I know I sound like I have a shitty attitude, but I will not let an agent pass me over for consideration about a position cos she thinks I'll be bored.  You have a job, you don't have to worry about if you can pay August's rent.

In this economy there are people with master's who are working jobs they hate to make rent. How am I any different? A job is a job, and it should be our decision if we want to tough it out.

If I keep running into these issues, I'll change up my resume to reflect that I'm not over qualified and just the perfect fit. 

How much character do I really need? Come on!

I have a mutual friend with The Douche. She recently blogged about their wedding and that she wouldn't be posting their photos, it wasn't her place to do so.

After running into her today, I thanked her for that, while trying not to get choked up on the spot. Cos it simply would have destroyed me. I've managed to never see them together in all the years we've been doing this on/off thing. I wasn't about to start with their wedding.

I'm still not 100% emotionally stable after our last conversation we had last week. A conversation I will never share with any of you. Not to mention all the other things in my life adding to that. It would have destroyed me, to a point of no return. In months to come, I'm sure I'll be fine to handle such pictures, but right now, not a chance. Ya I'm moving on with someone else, but that doesn't mean I can turn that light switch of feelings off. My heart isn't made of stone.

It's going to be a long year of changing jobs, cos I'm convinced I'll spend the rest of the year temping, and building character in other areas. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm entering middle-age and a mid life crisis. Don't laugh, it's like a biological clock. You can't control this shit.

More recently I've decided that I do need to start seeing someone professionally again.  I don't want to hit rock bottom before I get there, and I'm only a few steps from the ledge.

Building friggin character.

I Surrender..... I Think. Yaaa Pretty Sure.

It's been a tough week and a half on so many levels. Now, I'm ready to throw in the towel at work. Had an epic meltdown at work. That shouldn't happen.

I like the job. I like the work. I can do the work. But not the workload, and don't even have half of it yet. Not to mention the lack of things I need to be trained on, that only another pma can do. We're (pma's = property management assistants) a limited bunch spread throughout Canada. So you now understand why they haven't been able to give me the training I need. Most of which involved my favourite program... JDE Oracle.

They are basic things, but everything is such a damn process. Even a simple deposit refund requires 2, sometimes 3 people's hands to touch it over a course of a week, and if they're busy, it takes longer etc. The longer it takes to get these things off my desk, the more backed up it gets.

My manager is great. Very supportive and reassuring as to what is expected of the position etc, and that it takes a year to learn it etc. Still, at 2.5 months in, I shouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed.
Not to mention, my days are 12 hours long, I work 8 of those, and get paid for 7. Hmmmmm.

I don't quit on things easily. My resume clearly expresses that. I've had 5 jobs (this one being the 5th) in 25 years. Ya, I can clearly tough things out. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, combined with recent drama's, not eating well cos there isn't time in the day to stop to eat, and then I'm too exhausted to do so when I get home.

Ya ya, these are all excuses and me trying to explain/justify away why/how/when to give my notice at this job. And the stress of job hunting again.

Well Then, Tell Me How You Really Feel

My Aunt is an uber bitch these days. Nothing provokes her belittling attacks against me, but when they surface, they're hot pokers aimed at open wounds.

We talk a few times a week, every week. Sometimes a little less depending on our schedules. Tonight, was just touching base on how our weekends went. Ya know, birthdays and Mother's Day etc. I mentioned my frustrations about a program at my job, and just having to guess at certain parts of it, while waiting for some training from another person in my position at a different location.

Not sure how the topic turned against me, but man did it. This is not the first time she's attacked me, but I've also been doing my part over the years to never let the topics of my love life and my weight come to be a topic.

So. From my mentioning of frustration at my job, she has decided, that I do not deserve my job, as I didn't go to school for it, and by gawd, she's sure there is someone out there with a university education who is more deserving of it. *blink in shock*

After telling her she's wrong, and my education has nothing to do with the current position I'm in; she informs me accountants go to school for many many years etc blah blah, and I haven't. Ummmm, okay, but I'm not an accountant, and my position isn't an accounting position. It's property management. While there is a certain amount of basic accounting you have to do, it's nothing a high schooler couldn't do.

My frustrations are with the JDE Oracle program. Yes, it's a financial program, but that's not my issue. It's finding the pathways to get to where I need to be, to execute the task at hand. If any of you know the program, you know just how huge it is. Even my manager has said, "There is only so much you can learn, there will always be something that will fall on your desk that someone else will have to teach you". Not to mention, it takes a year to learn the in's/out's of my job. I've been there 3 months.

I've taken hobby course at night school over the years. It's one way to learn what I don't want to do with my life. Another way to look at it is; by not having a university education, also means I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt for an education I'm not using in that field. We all have those friends. Friends who are in debt 10's of thousands of dollars in debt, and working where? In a book store, or waiting tables, cos that is all they could find to pay the bills.

From there, she attacked my love life. That I would never land an educated man, cos what man with a MBA would date me, not having an education of my own? Nor would an athletic man who takes care of himself would ever date me either, cos, well, I'm overweight.  *more blinking in shock*.  She seems to forget I was once an athlete myself. Not all men care about how fit a woman is (sure it's nice) but they want a woman who will at least try! There is more to a relationship than just looks. Sure, looks get your attention, but it won't keep it.

That has always been a sore spot for me. My love life and my weight. 

I've had 3 great loves. One for 8 years. One on/off for 14 years. One very short, intense, passionate  2 years, that I learned the most from. But that means nothing in her books as I'm currently  turning 40 and unmarried.

My love life had been drama that could have put the Desperate Housewives to shame! However, it has taken a turn for the better, but I can't share it with the one person I want to, for fear of ridicule and defending why this relationship works, and the last one didn't. Or to defend how this relationship came to the current terms, why now and not 20 years ago.

The last one is still a sore spot for me. The Aunt loves trying to explain to me that I didn't do enough, to be good enough for him. Hence why he chose the other girl. Sigh, really?  I know why we didn't work out. But that's just an excuse in her books. I should have tried harder. In her opinion.

Maybe. I could have fought harder for him. In the end, he'd just be my expensive divorce waiting to happen, and not HRH's. Kind of feel bad for her. I do. Cos she all blissfully happy in love, married thinking she won. She didn't. I didn't. We're both losers in this. It will just take her longer to learn that.

What is even more pathetic, is that even knowing what I know, the things we said to each other, right to the last day, those last hours. I was hysterically upset over it for a bit. I couldn't stop being hurt that I wasn't enough. That I let it happen for so many years past where it should have ended. But now, I'm glad it didn't work out. I could never have trusted him.

My weight. I work at it.
I cut out the sugar, salt, high fat foods etc, and I pack on 10 more pounds!  So ya, it's a tender spot to be told I'm not good enough by the one person who is suppose to be there unconditionally. She doesn't have to agree with my life, my choices, etc, but she should accept them, as they are part of me.

Today, in my Aunts books, I'm a piece of shit. She didn't say that, but she may as well have. Cos what job and man do I deserve without an education and being fat? As she do nicely put it.

It was a beat down I just did not need on a day where I feel like shit.