It was a gradual process, didn't happen overnight. So gradual, that I didn't even really notice it happening. My shrink would say this is a success. That I've learned to set healthy boundaries, not only for myself, but with others.
My first memory of this was just over a year ago or so. At work, I found a balance of being nice/professional, and rejecting unrealistic requests. I will give credit to the master manipulator I worked with that unknowingly allowed me to practise this skill. Standing up for myself, and against those who thought they could push me around with ease.
This has since moved into my personal relationships. Setting boundaries, learning to say NO, and not feel bad about it. Nor, offering an explanation why. It's freeing.
Not having to defend why I've decided to, or not to do something.
This is a feeling, and a goal I've striven for longer than I care to admit.
In this, knowing my own limits, and myself more, has also let me recognize when others have less than good intentions. Or if relationships are more a one-way street than I knew before.
Not wasting energy, and emotions on those who don't provide a safe, honest, mutual supportive relationship. SUPER GOAL! I've always needed people to like me. Even if I wasn't fond of them. I needed it. That is no longer an issue, which allows me to love myself, and live a life to a fuller extent.
I no longer feel the need to defend my friendships, interests etc to others. That's okay if you don't like A.B.C person in my life, it's not yours. I may not like something about your life, or persons in it. Whilst this doesn't detract from that fact ppl care about me, and only want to see me happy. I allow them to voice their concerns, and I listen, but the end decision is mine. It's also okay if you don't like my hobbies, or interests. I may not like yours either. That doesn't deter that I still like you. We all have our own weirdos we do things with, and without.
Long story short; It's a extremely freeing feeling to be in control of your own feelings, wants, needs, and decisions.
Sunday, 11 February 2018
Sunday, 4 February 2018
2017 a Year in Review
Where to begin!?
First I hope all of you are working towards your goals, whatever they may be.
I've had a year of new, old, used, people, growth, and challenges.
Nov 2017 I joined Meetup.com. as a way to meet new people with similar interests.
You quickly discover that the way the groups are ran, can be a hit and a miss. Same with the people you meet. Seem a little too good to be true? Listen to that, cos its accurate every time.
I joined an age appropriate women group. An abandoned exploring group. Yoga/paddle boarding, a beer group, and a new to being active group.
Some of the groups were rude right from the start. The abandoned group gave incorrect information which lead to 20 of us meeting in the states, at a specific time on the monday of a long weekend. The organizer showed up 4 hours later, trying to tell all of us were wrong etc. How can that be, when all 20 of us arrived roughly at the same time... .a handful of us left and went home as we'd been out and about for 6 hours already, and this was clearly listed as a day time event. it wasn't. Gave email feedback and was rudely told off. Wow. My first group meeting with them and this is it. wow.
I noticed that there is a sister group to this one. Which looks like its run a lot more smoothly. The first group still lists inconsistent information. like be at dinner at 6 and then at xyz spot at 605. can't be in two places at the same time. oh well.
The beer group was/is an amazing set of people. Professionally organized. People from all walks of life here, as long of course as you're over 19. My first meeting there was nice. Met a gf that turned into a friend outside of group meetings. But I was however harassed by one guy constantly to the point the organizers stepped in and told him to back off. I've only been out with this group a handful of times, as they go out a lot!!!
The beginner fitness group. Amazing group of ladies. However the activities lack, and are well above many of fitness levels.
The paddle/yoga group is inactive. Anyone in any group can organize an event. If i wanted to do that, I'd develop my own page. No thanks.
The age appropriate group of women was intense and full of drama.
I met a couple ppl right away that I bonded with. One is didn't work out when she discovered she couldn't push me around, and wasn't interested in the gossip and back stabbing. Another girl was nice but quickly turned into the victim in every aspect of her life. if you asked her more about it, she suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore. She only came around when she wanted something. I dropped her quickly, and she made it all about her. See ya Felisha
In short, I discovered that this isn't the place to make friends. It's a place to find ppl interested in the same things, to do those things with at that time, and at that time only. Basically its a buddy system without making friends. I've deleted most of my groups, as some have penalties for not attending so many in a certain amount of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went surfing in February, in the snow! It was a paddle boarding, surfing, yoga retreat in Tofino. It snowed. It rained. It was sunny. It was awesome!
We had a lodge to ourselves, every room had a shower, no sharing! 3 instructors and 3 guests. Lots of one on one time. It was an experience. The other women there were very serious about chasing storms and trading surf camp stories from around the world. Here I was saying, "I'm just here to have fun." I may as well have had 3 heads. The instructors were great about making sure we all were interactive. Didn't have to be friends, but at least talk. It was good, and weird all at the same time,
For the amount I paid for the week (meals included) I'd go again with ppl I like, and only do the activities I like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In July I had a very severe anxiety attack. One which lead me to call the nurses line, as I was actually scared for my well-being as I couldn't calm down with the anxiety medication I had available to me at the time.
After a significant amount of time on the phone, and the nurse felt I was no longer a risk or danger to myself, we set a plan of actions. I executed them over the following days. Got into to see my doctor and my shrink asap. Ended up agreeing with my GP to go on anxiety medication.
The cipralex at a very low dosage, covers anxiety, ocd, panic, depression. The first 10 days were pure hell. On the 10th day, like a light-switch was turned on, everything was/is amazing!
I can still feel emotions, however I have FULL CONTROL over how I react. It has made life easier on so many levels! I use to be a daily crier. Over anything and everything. Now, I don't cry. I can feel everything, but its in my control. No more knee jerk reactions. Clearer thinking. Calmer in general which allows me to learn new things, meet new people and own my craziness.
Sidenote: taking this medication limits all alcohol intake. I can have a beer here or there, but not often as it makes me feel like I've had 10! No need to drink or have those cravings to drown emotions in alcohol. My wallet and belly are happier!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddle boarding growth. This is my sport! Every time I get into the water I learn something. I've managed to introduce others to the sport, but find its something I'd like to do alone at times.
My last paddle was in August. I had anticipated going alone, and very glad I had not, cos not only did I fall in the water (no biggie) my board went one way, and the tide took me another, and jammed me into a log boom. Which I managed to grab a hold of a log to prevent the tide (although light) the tide was moving in and trying to take my legs and me under the boom. I was more concerned with being stung by a lions manes jellyfish, than worrying about the fact I was holding onto a seal habitat and the seals with their pups only 20 feet away, they were curious but not threatened by me. Phew thank gawd!
It wasn't til the next day I learnt I was indeed injured. After much physio and doctor appointments, it was discovered I had torn something in my elbow. Shockwave therapy ensued. Very painful, although very effective in recovering. Had my last sessions before Xmas.
The girls brought me my board, and we carried on. In that mishap, there were a lot of "what ifs" learned. What if I had been alone? There were no boats on the water that day. No one would have heard my emergency whistle. I would have had to hang out with the sea lions until the rental place noticed I was well passed my return time. Also learnt my PFD wasn't fitted or tighten properly. And exactly why paddling on a river/inlet you never wear a leash on your board. Had I been attached, and the tide took my board under the boom, I'd have to go with it, if unable to release it.
Contacted my sup instructor to take more water safety courses and level 2 sup lessons. She agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in February, I decided I wanted to go back east for Xmas to see my family. They agreed it would be awesome, however I wanted it to be a secret for the rest other than whom I was staying with.
Booked the time off, paid for the trip, and kept my mouth shut for a year.
Xmas comes and I arrive in Ontario. The Aunt and cousin I was staying with asked how the siblings would feel knowing I kept this a secret. I advised them all expect one, would be thrilled or could care less. I explained I was expecting the one sister to lose her shit. (click on the red if you want to read that trip)
Cos if she knew I was out there she would hop on a plane and make it all about her. It was absolutely the best vacation I've taken in a long time. I had signs made up for each family. A saying we grew up with, and a one sign that hung above the door threshold over my grandparents place. We all have specific memories of this.
The signs were a huge hit! Priceless and sentimental. Everyone was surprised, and ecstatic to see me arrive at Xmas dinner, just how we planned it. That night the pictures are now allowed to surface online.
Enter extreme hissy fit from my sister who ruined my last trip east 2 years ago.
Once back at the cousins, I informed them that she did indeed lose her mind. They wanted to know what she said. At first I refused. Cos they don't need to know the real her. The aunt had enough when my sister started texting other family members. She demanded to read the messages. Her face upon reading the ugliness of the messages made her so sad. She was surprised I called this and it happened. My sister made it all about her. Said some really disgusting things to me.
Upon arriving home after my vacation, I decided to sit down and read all her messages. Getting angrier by the minute and still not feeling well from fainting on the plane (didn't adjust to the altitude), I had had enough and fired off a very raw and factual email.
Without the details, I no longer have a relationship with this sister.
She is not to contact me ever again unless she apologies for her behaviour, apologies to the aunts, cousins etc all those she tried to sour my visit with. My cousins wouldn't have it. They simply kept saying how amazing it was that I was there etc. Not replying to her comments. But now, they've all been subjected to the real her. Not my problem.
I'll be high off this visit for a long time! I'm planning more visits outside of major holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work. Oh work! A year ago we were told we'd be rolling out a new computer system that would simplify what/who does what. Of course I asked how this would effect me. I was told that I had nothing to worry about for at least 8 months after the roll out. Roll out starts January 24th, 2018. January 26th, 2018 I was laid off! With additional severance over what they legally owe me.
I wasn't impressed, and called them out on it that THE DAY BEFORE we met and was told I had nothing to worry about, for now. Not for a few months.
Well, I slipped out quietly, didn't say anything to anyone. They agreed to wait until I was gone before sending out the email. People are pissed. Considering they've pulled in a temp to do my job until further notice. hmph. No one is safe. I've had to call the office a couple time for employment forms etc, and was met with very curt and short answers. Wow, I was being polite and friendly.
Not impressed with their behaviour. I worked there 6 years.
I had been struggling with the loyalty balance one should have for their employer. Since if you were to die, they'd have you replaced within a week. So why should anyone, (not just me in this scenario) have any loyalty? It doesn't mean anything. If you were to get sick, they wouldn't take care of you, etc, but you're expected to constantly go over and above what is the norm on a regular basis, for their benefits.
I have no doubts that I've picked the right field to work in . Community safety and communications. you're dealing with the public and contribute how the community functions within society. Bigger picture goodness.
So here I sit. A week into my unemployment stint. Looking for work anywhere! I have an interview next week, which I'll accept if I'm offered the position. It wont be a long term thing, but its good money and helps build my experience within the community. Fingers crossed.
And now we're all caught up.
There are no men to speak of, and I'm okay with that. I know my worth, and don't have time to go about meeting men and wasting time the way I had before. When it feels right, I'll try it again later.
First I hope all of you are working towards your goals, whatever they may be.
I've had a year of new, old, used, people, growth, and challenges.
Nov 2017 I joined Meetup.com. as a way to meet new people with similar interests.
You quickly discover that the way the groups are ran, can be a hit and a miss. Same with the people you meet. Seem a little too good to be true? Listen to that, cos its accurate every time.
I joined an age appropriate women group. An abandoned exploring group. Yoga/paddle boarding, a beer group, and a new to being active group.
Some of the groups were rude right from the start. The abandoned group gave incorrect information which lead to 20 of us meeting in the states, at a specific time on the monday of a long weekend. The organizer showed up 4 hours later, trying to tell all of us were wrong etc. How can that be, when all 20 of us arrived roughly at the same time... .a handful of us left and went home as we'd been out and about for 6 hours already, and this was clearly listed as a day time event. it wasn't. Gave email feedback and was rudely told off. Wow. My first group meeting with them and this is it. wow.
I noticed that there is a sister group to this one. Which looks like its run a lot more smoothly. The first group still lists inconsistent information. like be at dinner at 6 and then at xyz spot at 605. can't be in two places at the same time. oh well.
The beer group was/is an amazing set of people. Professionally organized. People from all walks of life here, as long of course as you're over 19. My first meeting there was nice. Met a gf that turned into a friend outside of group meetings. But I was however harassed by one guy constantly to the point the organizers stepped in and told him to back off. I've only been out with this group a handful of times, as they go out a lot!!!
The beginner fitness group. Amazing group of ladies. However the activities lack, and are well above many of fitness levels.
The paddle/yoga group is inactive. Anyone in any group can organize an event. If i wanted to do that, I'd develop my own page. No thanks.
The age appropriate group of women was intense and full of drama.
I met a couple ppl right away that I bonded with. One is didn't work out when she discovered she couldn't push me around, and wasn't interested in the gossip and back stabbing. Another girl was nice but quickly turned into the victim in every aspect of her life. if you asked her more about it, she suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore. She only came around when she wanted something. I dropped her quickly, and she made it all about her. See ya Felisha
In short, I discovered that this isn't the place to make friends. It's a place to find ppl interested in the same things, to do those things with at that time, and at that time only. Basically its a buddy system without making friends. I've deleted most of my groups, as some have penalties for not attending so many in a certain amount of time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went surfing in February, in the snow! It was a paddle boarding, surfing, yoga retreat in Tofino. It snowed. It rained. It was sunny. It was awesome!
We had a lodge to ourselves, every room had a shower, no sharing! 3 instructors and 3 guests. Lots of one on one time. It was an experience. The other women there were very serious about chasing storms and trading surf camp stories from around the world. Here I was saying, "I'm just here to have fun." I may as well have had 3 heads. The instructors were great about making sure we all were interactive. Didn't have to be friends, but at least talk. It was good, and weird all at the same time,
For the amount I paid for the week (meals included) I'd go again with ppl I like, and only do the activities I like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In July I had a very severe anxiety attack. One which lead me to call the nurses line, as I was actually scared for my well-being as I couldn't calm down with the anxiety medication I had available to me at the time.
After a significant amount of time on the phone, and the nurse felt I was no longer a risk or danger to myself, we set a plan of actions. I executed them over the following days. Got into to see my doctor and my shrink asap. Ended up agreeing with my GP to go on anxiety medication.
The cipralex at a very low dosage, covers anxiety, ocd, panic, depression. The first 10 days were pure hell. On the 10th day, like a light-switch was turned on, everything was/is amazing!
I can still feel emotions, however I have FULL CONTROL over how I react. It has made life easier on so many levels! I use to be a daily crier. Over anything and everything. Now, I don't cry. I can feel everything, but its in my control. No more knee jerk reactions. Clearer thinking. Calmer in general which allows me to learn new things, meet new people and own my craziness.
Sidenote: taking this medication limits all alcohol intake. I can have a beer here or there, but not often as it makes me feel like I've had 10! No need to drink or have those cravings to drown emotions in alcohol. My wallet and belly are happier!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddle boarding growth. This is my sport! Every time I get into the water I learn something. I've managed to introduce others to the sport, but find its something I'd like to do alone at times.
My last paddle was in August. I had anticipated going alone, and very glad I had not, cos not only did I fall in the water (no biggie) my board went one way, and the tide took me another, and jammed me into a log boom. Which I managed to grab a hold of a log to prevent the tide (although light) the tide was moving in and trying to take my legs and me under the boom. I was more concerned with being stung by a lions manes jellyfish, than worrying about the fact I was holding onto a seal habitat and the seals with their pups only 20 feet away, they were curious but not threatened by me. Phew thank gawd!
It wasn't til the next day I learnt I was indeed injured. After much physio and doctor appointments, it was discovered I had torn something in my elbow. Shockwave therapy ensued. Very painful, although very effective in recovering. Had my last sessions before Xmas.
The girls brought me my board, and we carried on. In that mishap, there were a lot of "what ifs" learned. What if I had been alone? There were no boats on the water that day. No one would have heard my emergency whistle. I would have had to hang out with the sea lions until the rental place noticed I was well passed my return time. Also learnt my PFD wasn't fitted or tighten properly. And exactly why paddling on a river/inlet you never wear a leash on your board. Had I been attached, and the tide took my board under the boom, I'd have to go with it, if unable to release it.
Contacted my sup instructor to take more water safety courses and level 2 sup lessons. She agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in February, I decided I wanted to go back east for Xmas to see my family. They agreed it would be awesome, however I wanted it to be a secret for the rest other than whom I was staying with.
Booked the time off, paid for the trip, and kept my mouth shut for a year.
Xmas comes and I arrive in Ontario. The Aunt and cousin I was staying with asked how the siblings would feel knowing I kept this a secret. I advised them all expect one, would be thrilled or could care less. I explained I was expecting the one sister to lose her shit. (click on the red if you want to read that trip)
Cos if she knew I was out there she would hop on a plane and make it all about her. It was absolutely the best vacation I've taken in a long time. I had signs made up for each family. A saying we grew up with, and a one sign that hung above the door threshold over my grandparents place. We all have specific memories of this.
The signs were a huge hit! Priceless and sentimental. Everyone was surprised, and ecstatic to see me arrive at Xmas dinner, just how we planned it. That night the pictures are now allowed to surface online.
Enter extreme hissy fit from my sister who ruined my last trip east 2 years ago.
Once back at the cousins, I informed them that she did indeed lose her mind. They wanted to know what she said. At first I refused. Cos they don't need to know the real her. The aunt had enough when my sister started texting other family members. She demanded to read the messages. Her face upon reading the ugliness of the messages made her so sad. She was surprised I called this and it happened. My sister made it all about her. Said some really disgusting things to me.
Upon arriving home after my vacation, I decided to sit down and read all her messages. Getting angrier by the minute and still not feeling well from fainting on the plane (didn't adjust to the altitude), I had had enough and fired off a very raw and factual email.
Without the details, I no longer have a relationship with this sister.
She is not to contact me ever again unless she apologies for her behaviour, apologies to the aunts, cousins etc all those she tried to sour my visit with. My cousins wouldn't have it. They simply kept saying how amazing it was that I was there etc. Not replying to her comments. But now, they've all been subjected to the real her. Not my problem.
I'll be high off this visit for a long time! I'm planning more visits outside of major holidays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work. Oh work! A year ago we were told we'd be rolling out a new computer system that would simplify what/who does what. Of course I asked how this would effect me. I was told that I had nothing to worry about for at least 8 months after the roll out. Roll out starts January 24th, 2018. January 26th, 2018 I was laid off! With additional severance over what they legally owe me.
I wasn't impressed, and called them out on it that THE DAY BEFORE we met and was told I had nothing to worry about, for now. Not for a few months.
Well, I slipped out quietly, didn't say anything to anyone. They agreed to wait until I was gone before sending out the email. People are pissed. Considering they've pulled in a temp to do my job until further notice. hmph. No one is safe. I've had to call the office a couple time for employment forms etc, and was met with very curt and short answers. Wow, I was being polite and friendly.
Not impressed with their behaviour. I worked there 6 years.
I had been struggling with the loyalty balance one should have for their employer. Since if you were to die, they'd have you replaced within a week. So why should anyone, (not just me in this scenario) have any loyalty? It doesn't mean anything. If you were to get sick, they wouldn't take care of you, etc, but you're expected to constantly go over and above what is the norm on a regular basis, for their benefits.
I have no doubts that I've picked the right field to work in . Community safety and communications. you're dealing with the public and contribute how the community functions within society. Bigger picture goodness.
So here I sit. A week into my unemployment stint. Looking for work anywhere! I have an interview next week, which I'll accept if I'm offered the position. It wont be a long term thing, but its good money and helps build my experience within the community. Fingers crossed.
And now we're all caught up.
There are no men to speak of, and I'm okay with that. I know my worth, and don't have time to go about meeting men and wasting time the way I had before. When it feels right, I'll try it again later.
Saturday, 8 July 2017
Mid life Crisis or Meltdown?
UPDATE:
I called the nurses line shortly after writing this entry. I took an ativan and it wasn't kicking in. I called to see if I could take a second one safely. We ended up on the phone for an hour. Out a plan together. And when the nurse felt I was at a reasonable level of panic, she let me go.
I took a bath. Did my breathing practices and no longer felt the need to take the second ativan. I had calmed down enough For it to work.
Saw my family doctor that following Monday. Discussed what happened and my options. We decided to try some medication. Its only been 5 days and I feel the difference. I'm only on a child's dose til we see how it affects me. I'm also still in the side effects stage for another week.
Saw my shrink the Wednesday.
Long story short, I've taken the steps to get the help and have a support system in place. Those friends did reach out the next morning. Some got an ear full, others still have a place in my life.
There ya have it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I"m sitting calmly in my apartment, happy with some minor recent changes I've been making to the apartment, my life etc.
...then WHAM! I'm an inconsolable babbling puddle! wth just happened?
Excuse typing errors, as I write this with blurred eyes. Not that's an excuse,but ya know.
To the point:
*I'm losing control of everything! Maybe even reality a little!
*I'm officially broke. My savings have run out, while dealing with my accident claim.
*Roommate is talking about moving out again at the end of the year for school etc.
*Can't find a job in my field.
*My current job may be eliminated come January, and it took me a year to find that one!
*My credit is running out! I've always taken pride at being able to manage my finances, but now it's getting away from me.
*I apparently have allllll these great friends, but I'm always the one making the phone calls.
*I've been pretty good about who is who etc, even after I've narrowed down the dead weight, I thought the ones left over were the ones I could count on. Nope. I called and texted 5 ppl tonight.to ensure they could hear the desperation in my voice! Not 1 replied, although they've seen the messages. 1 replied with buy a dildo. wow. Just deleted them.
*And P. Gawd. I thought things were good between us. Trying to be friends. He cancelled our dinner plans for tonight, stating he just wasn't feeling it after a day of golf. No problem.
However, the problem is one of his friends tagged him in a picture 2 hours later at a restaurant/bar downtown having a good time. Seriously not cool. I had a hard enough time getting over the fact he's never going to love me the way I want him too, and was okay with building a rapport as friends. I thought. Now he can't even be honest with me.
I dont know how many times I've said this to ppl in my life in general conversations.
I rather you be honest and hurt my feelings. At least I can respect it. Lie, deceive me, it leaves me sour and not trusting you.
I'm not expecting any of you to be able to provide a solution, although they are welcome.
I'm losing my shit. I'm scared. Actually scared about everything. My future, in finance, love, mental health. At this point I'm not opposed to being medicated if it's going to help me stay sane, calm and have clarity.
Fuck it. Copy and pasted this to my shrink. I think it will be easier for her to read what a breakdown looks like while its happening.
I called the nurses line shortly after writing this entry. I took an ativan and it wasn't kicking in. I called to see if I could take a second one safely. We ended up on the phone for an hour. Out a plan together. And when the nurse felt I was at a reasonable level of panic, she let me go.
I took a bath. Did my breathing practices and no longer felt the need to take the second ativan. I had calmed down enough For it to work.
Saw my family doctor that following Monday. Discussed what happened and my options. We decided to try some medication. Its only been 5 days and I feel the difference. I'm only on a child's dose til we see how it affects me. I'm also still in the side effects stage for another week.
Saw my shrink the Wednesday.
Long story short, I've taken the steps to get the help and have a support system in place. Those friends did reach out the next morning. Some got an ear full, others still have a place in my life.
There ya have it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I"m sitting calmly in my apartment, happy with some minor recent changes I've been making to the apartment, my life etc.
...then WHAM! I'm an inconsolable babbling puddle! wth just happened?
Excuse typing errors, as I write this with blurred eyes. Not that's an excuse,but ya know.
To the point:
*I'm losing control of everything! Maybe even reality a little!
*I'm officially broke. My savings have run out, while dealing with my accident claim.
*Roommate is talking about moving out again at the end of the year for school etc.
*Can't find a job in my field.
*My current job may be eliminated come January, and it took me a year to find that one!
*My credit is running out! I've always taken pride at being able to manage my finances, but now it's getting away from me.
*I apparently have allllll these great friends, but I'm always the one making the phone calls.
*I've been pretty good about who is who etc, even after I've narrowed down the dead weight, I thought the ones left over were the ones I could count on. Nope. I called and texted 5 ppl tonight.to ensure they could hear the desperation in my voice! Not 1 replied, although they've seen the messages. 1 replied with buy a dildo. wow. Just deleted them.
*And P. Gawd. I thought things were good between us. Trying to be friends. He cancelled our dinner plans for tonight, stating he just wasn't feeling it after a day of golf. No problem.
However, the problem is one of his friends tagged him in a picture 2 hours later at a restaurant/bar downtown having a good time. Seriously not cool. I had a hard enough time getting over the fact he's never going to love me the way I want him too, and was okay with building a rapport as friends. I thought. Now he can't even be honest with me.
I dont know how many times I've said this to ppl in my life in general conversations.
I rather you be honest and hurt my feelings. At least I can respect it. Lie, deceive me, it leaves me sour and not trusting you.
I'm not expecting any of you to be able to provide a solution, although they are welcome.
I'm losing my shit. I'm scared. Actually scared about everything. My future, in finance, love, mental health. At this point I'm not opposed to being medicated if it's going to help me stay sane, calm and have clarity.
Fuck it. Copy and pasted this to my shrink. I think it will be easier for her to read what a breakdown looks like while its happening.
Sunday, 21 May 2017
Stupid Sister Convo's & Life Updates
If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or randomly read my family stuff, you'll know I don't get along with my sisters. One specifically. She says the dumbest things. Whether they racist, is one-upping you on any topic, or just random things to make herself look better, she says stupid things. With no regard to how it may be interpreted.
We use to do a sister lunch every month until I solely decided I wasn't participating anymore, cos it was too taxing to be down too, or the way she talked to our oldest sister, who has a development handicap. It's too much. Not to mention I'm still harbouring a huge grudge against her for ruining my trip back east a couple years ago.
Lunch today was no different. A little less vile than usual, but no different really.
Lunch discussion about my proprieties finding a new job in my field.
Sister: You should get a spouse so you'll have a second income.
Me: Well I don't have one, do that comment is irrelevant.
S: I'm just saying, it would help you financially to look for work or take the part-time until you can find f/t in your field.
Me: yes, but I don't have that option. So you mentioning it repeatedly doesn't change it. And even if I had a spouse to help me take those risks, I'd still have to make enough money to live my own life regardless.
Sister: But you have a roommate.
Me: That's not the point. That's not his responsibility, nor is his living with me ever guaranteed.
You're not listening.
Sister: but...
Brother-in-law: : sisters name, Stop talking. Just stop.
Other conversations were no different. She wants to be the first to know and inform everyone that she knew it first. The kicker was when the oldest sister corrected her about our other sister. She actually told her she was wrong. I had to pipe in, cos we were on a conference call together, and I backed her up. She was so mad she didn't know. Well, why would you? You don't talk to, or have a relationship with that sister.... just sayin.
In short, having the Brother-in-law there was a nice buffer. How he's put up with her for all these decades, I have no idea. He's a saint!
Life Updates:
I started a positive jar. Every time I do something new, or tried, etc, it goes on a post-it, and into the jar. At the end of the year, you take them out and read them. Trying to remember to write them down is the only obstacle. hahah
Every month, I'm pushing myself to do something I want to do. I joined Meetup.com. It's a group site that allows you to find people with similar interests. Not a dating site! I've joined as a recommendation from my shrink. 1) to find more female age-appropriate friends. Which is coming along. 2) activities I like or want to try.
Some of the groups are a hit and a miss. Although you can find your groove pretty quick. I still have anxiety when it comes to doing new things with people I don't know etc, however, the more honest I about it with the event host, the easier it is to be awkwardly charming. Slowly building confidence. I'm doing more things on my own. Taking lessons in activities I've wanted to try, outside of the meetup groups. Stepping stones, always.
Career:
Is proving to be harder than originally thought to find full-time permanent work locally.
Everything is casual or part-time. I might have to consider looking into part-time positions. As long as I can be guaranteed 20 hrs a week at a government salary, I can get by, until something full time comes up. But then finding it, and getting short-listed is hard too. The search continues. It's actually on a timeline, as my current company is about to roll out a new program in January 2018 that will eliminate a lot of what I do. As no one can tell me anything solidified regarding my position, I feel it's best to beat them to the punch. As we've been laying offing staff in other departments. It hasn't been exactly compassionate or tactful.
Empaths:
In one of the groups I joined, I met a woman who is into feeling energies etc. While I feel some people who talk about it too openly are full of it. Those who truly have the ability to feel other people's energies don't walk around bragging about it, cos in the reality of things, its not always a gift to be able to feel good and bad energies. Especially the bad. IN short, what I'm learning about myself, is not to be afraid of it.. that I can feel everything. All the fucking time. I'm learning how to protect my own personal energy from being affected by the negative. I don't openly talk about it. Only a few people really know, mostly cos they feel it too.
Side note: sort of related. I've learned that our souls travel in packs in each lifetime. So those people who you're drawn to without really knowing why, it's believed you knew each other in another time. Kind of a neat way to think about those who come and go.
Dating:
bahahahahahah big breath bahahahahaahahahaha
Actually, I've been learning to love myself more. Always an on-going thing. Something I haven't been able to say in a few years, I like myself. Almost love, but like myself, a lot.
Would I date me? A couple years ago, no. Now, yes!
I found a meme on FB that stuck with me.
A son asks his Dad, "When will I meet the right woman?" The Dad's reply, "To meet the right woman, you must become the right man." I suppose that works both ways.
And that is what I'm doing. I am lonely at times. To the point it's palpable. This is not to be confused or compared to being horny. I have my short term needs covered.
General things:
Learning to keep my mouth shut, is surprisingly becoming easier. I'm observing a lot more. Maybe this has more to do with learning to love me, that I don't feel the need to be the life of any party.
It's calm here. :)
okay, I think that is all I have right now. It's all over the place, but it's no longer taking up space in my brain.
We use to do a sister lunch every month until I solely decided I wasn't participating anymore, cos it was too taxing to be down too, or the way she talked to our oldest sister, who has a development handicap. It's too much. Not to mention I'm still harbouring a huge grudge against her for ruining my trip back east a couple years ago.
Lunch today was no different. A little less vile than usual, but no different really.
Lunch discussion about my proprieties finding a new job in my field.
Sister: You should get a spouse so you'll have a second income.
Me: Well I don't have one, do that comment is irrelevant.
S: I'm just saying, it would help you financially to look for work or take the part-time until you can find f/t in your field.
Me: yes, but I don't have that option. So you mentioning it repeatedly doesn't change it. And even if I had a spouse to help me take those risks, I'd still have to make enough money to live my own life regardless.
Sister: But you have a roommate.
Me: That's not the point. That's not his responsibility, nor is his living with me ever guaranteed.
You're not listening.
Sister: but...
Brother-in-law: : sisters name, Stop talking. Just stop.
Other conversations were no different. She wants to be the first to know and inform everyone that she knew it first. The kicker was when the oldest sister corrected her about our other sister. She actually told her she was wrong. I had to pipe in, cos we were on a conference call together, and I backed her up. She was so mad she didn't know. Well, why would you? You don't talk to, or have a relationship with that sister.... just sayin.
In short, having the Brother-in-law there was a nice buffer. How he's put up with her for all these decades, I have no idea. He's a saint!
Life Updates:
I started a positive jar. Every time I do something new, or tried, etc, it goes on a post-it, and into the jar. At the end of the year, you take them out and read them. Trying to remember to write them down is the only obstacle. hahah
Every month, I'm pushing myself to do something I want to do. I joined Meetup.com. It's a group site that allows you to find people with similar interests. Not a dating site! I've joined as a recommendation from my shrink. 1) to find more female age-appropriate friends. Which is coming along. 2) activities I like or want to try.
Some of the groups are a hit and a miss. Although you can find your groove pretty quick. I still have anxiety when it comes to doing new things with people I don't know etc, however, the more honest I about it with the event host, the easier it is to be awkwardly charming. Slowly building confidence. I'm doing more things on my own. Taking lessons in activities I've wanted to try, outside of the meetup groups. Stepping stones, always.
Career:
Is proving to be harder than originally thought to find full-time permanent work locally.
Everything is casual or part-time. I might have to consider looking into part-time positions. As long as I can be guaranteed 20 hrs a week at a government salary, I can get by, until something full time comes up. But then finding it, and getting short-listed is hard too. The search continues. It's actually on a timeline, as my current company is about to roll out a new program in January 2018 that will eliminate a lot of what I do. As no one can tell me anything solidified regarding my position, I feel it's best to beat them to the punch. As we've been laying offing staff in other departments. It hasn't been exactly compassionate or tactful.
Empaths:
In one of the groups I joined, I met a woman who is into feeling energies etc. While I feel some people who talk about it too openly are full of it. Those who truly have the ability to feel other people's energies don't walk around bragging about it, cos in the reality of things, its not always a gift to be able to feel good and bad energies. Especially the bad. IN short, what I'm learning about myself, is not to be afraid of it.. that I can feel everything. All the fucking time. I'm learning how to protect my own personal energy from being affected by the negative. I don't openly talk about it. Only a few people really know, mostly cos they feel it too.
Side note: sort of related. I've learned that our souls travel in packs in each lifetime. So those people who you're drawn to without really knowing why, it's believed you knew each other in another time. Kind of a neat way to think about those who come and go.
Dating:
bahahahahahah big breath bahahahahaahahahaha
Actually, I've been learning to love myself more. Always an on-going thing. Something I haven't been able to say in a few years, I like myself. Almost love, but like myself, a lot.
Would I date me? A couple years ago, no. Now, yes!
I found a meme on FB that stuck with me.
A son asks his Dad, "When will I meet the right woman?" The Dad's reply, "To meet the right woman, you must become the right man." I suppose that works both ways.
And that is what I'm doing. I am lonely at times. To the point it's palpable. This is not to be confused or compared to being horny. I have my short term needs covered.
General things:
Learning to keep my mouth shut, is surprisingly becoming easier. I'm observing a lot more. Maybe this has more to do with learning to love me, that I don't feel the need to be the life of any party.
It's calm here. :)
okay, I think that is all I have right now. It's all over the place, but it's no longer taking up space in my brain.
Saturday, 12 November 2016
Change is the Only Constant
A work in progress... always.
I use to think of this as daunting and failure cos I always had something that required change, and/or improvement.
I no longer think of it this way. I now look at it always trying on what fits you. If it doesn't, well you move on and try on something else until it feels right. Improves you, makes you like, even love yourself a bit more.
I grew up thinking by the time you were an adult, or young adult, you should know who you are. What you want. Where you're going. Why? Why does it have to be written in stone? It doesn't.
It doesn't! Think about that for a moment.
Who said, you can't change, or grow based on the conditions of your life, and the hand you were dealt at the time. You grew up in a less than ideal home? Who says you have to live that life yourself? You were a fat kid? Who says that's who you are now?
I look back and noticed how much the plan I had for myself has changed. After my parents passed, it took years to learn, that I don't have to live this life. Get married, have children, buy a home etc.
Not wanting, choosing not to have those things is NOT a failure. It means, I know what works for my life. I will not be shamed for it. Neither should you.
Would I like kids? Yes. Although it was never in the cards for me, and I made the decision to be okay with that at a young age. Do I want to own my own home? Yes. Can I afford it living in Vancouver? No. Not without a spouse. Do I want to get married? Yes! However, as I get older, I've learned that piece of paper, is well, just paper. I want the relationship.
Recently, with the guidance of my practitioners, I chose to go into talk therapy, instead of pill therapy. And what an amazing choice. I've been connected with a shrink who truly provides me a safe place to be uncensored. We discuss a variety of topics, and she gives me tools and homework to think about and try to apply. With that being said, I've changed. For the better.
There is A LOT less self pity, however anger, and anxiety are still present and amped up at times as I work through the process. I'm nesting. Making lists. The more I get thru a list, the more accomplished I feel to tackle more, and the next thing on the list.
Right now, I'm weeding men out, and rebuilding my tribe. Working on the growth of loving myself more. You hear the saying, Love yourself first, and it will make space for good things in your life. Or some variety of that. It's true. However, how many of us really know how to do that? I was too angry for a long, long time to truly know what that meant.
I am no longer making excuses for my changes, or that afraid to make them. I use to sit around feeling sorry for myself that my tribe at the time weren't putting in the effort into me, as I do into them. I was holding onto them cos there was years of history. Or afraid cos then I'd be alone. That terrified me. Like, can not leave the house I'm too sad terrified.
Why is this my fault? Why I am being punished? I'm not. You're not!
These people are simply not your tribe. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be a dramatic break-up, just a moving on and not worrying about it. Finding the right frequency.
If these people were really your tribe, you wouldn't have to think about it, question it.
When the tribe fits, you just know. I'm learning that.
I'm rebuilding that tribe. I've found a venue to find new people to connect with.
My list is compartmentalized: Small example.
1) Get some girlfriends.
I don't have a lot of female friends. Not sure why, I just don't. Sooooo, that was step one. Joined an age appropriate group specific for females to connect. I have my first activity planned with them at the end of the month.
2) Find a group friends that enjoy the same things you do.
Paddle boarding, road-trips, exploring abandoned towns, live music ,sports, breweries etc. These are my key activities I do on a regular basis. I have my first adventurer tomorrow! It was terrifying to call up someone on this group and say hey, I'm Just Saying, and I'd love to come out on this adventure ,can I carpool with you? There are 12 us tomorrow. :)
3) Make my place feel more like a home.
I'm organizing. A lot. Its a little pricey, but worth it to feel in control and accomplished, and too like where I live, coming home to something cozy, comfortable and inviting is amazing. It serves a purpose more than just where I lay my head. A few more things to do around the apartment, but it's already coming together. #1 was creating a proper space for writing. I have a portable kitchen island that I don't really use. It occupies my larger appliances. SO I've turned it into my writing space. Reading lamp, a framed picture and laptop and chair. Whola. Feels right. This is my first entry in the new space.
My list is always shrinking and growing as I think of other things. My lists can be anything from daily chores to more long term goals. Yes I make a list to do laundry.
Example of my everyday list:
- sort and do laundry
-take out garbage
-wash floors
- pick up clothes
-Groceries (outside aisles only)
-nap
Having anxiety, it can be daunting to just think about the process. The lists helps. I've realized this list will be a forever thing. Making these lists work for me. They make me accountable, to myself. Sometimes I make the list and then do nothing for a couple days. I made the list, that was a step.
Back to making new connections:
Granted I know I may not have a connection with everyone I come across in this journey, but knowing they're all there for the same reasons one way or another, is comforting.
I find myself this past week really paying attention to how those I've invested in, treat me. Caught myself saying outloud a few times, "not my tribe".
I recently had a convo with a man I've had a seriously hard time getting over and letting go of.
He said something that woke me up. And my response was, "not my tribe".
"Just because I don't want to talk or hangout doesn't mean we are not friends. It just means I have nothing to say and just don't feel like hanging out."
I'm sorry, but when you don't say more than "golfed and relaxed"when asked how your day was, and "too lazy and/or tired to come out", for the last 3.5 years, um, ya, it means we're not friends. Especially when you're going to dinner, hockey games and other activities with other people. He had an excuse for that too. I smiled, and said okay, You're not my tribe, and deleted him. Done.
He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not.
If you want to be part of my tribe, it has to be a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. Period. You can not be in my tribe, and close the door to yours.
Those are the only rules.
I'll write more as changes develop. I have a good feeling about this journey and 2017.
I use to think of this as daunting and failure cos I always had something that required change, and/or improvement.
I no longer think of it this way. I now look at it always trying on what fits you. If it doesn't, well you move on and try on something else until it feels right. Improves you, makes you like, even love yourself a bit more.
I grew up thinking by the time you were an adult, or young adult, you should know who you are. What you want. Where you're going. Why? Why does it have to be written in stone? It doesn't.
It doesn't! Think about that for a moment.
Who said, you can't change, or grow based on the conditions of your life, and the hand you were dealt at the time. You grew up in a less than ideal home? Who says you have to live that life yourself? You were a fat kid? Who says that's who you are now?
I look back and noticed how much the plan I had for myself has changed. After my parents passed, it took years to learn, that I don't have to live this life. Get married, have children, buy a home etc.
Not wanting, choosing not to have those things is NOT a failure. It means, I know what works for my life. I will not be shamed for it. Neither should you.
Would I like kids? Yes. Although it was never in the cards for me, and I made the decision to be okay with that at a young age. Do I want to own my own home? Yes. Can I afford it living in Vancouver? No. Not without a spouse. Do I want to get married? Yes! However, as I get older, I've learned that piece of paper, is well, just paper. I want the relationship.
Recently, with the guidance of my practitioners, I chose to go into talk therapy, instead of pill therapy. And what an amazing choice. I've been connected with a shrink who truly provides me a safe place to be uncensored. We discuss a variety of topics, and she gives me tools and homework to think about and try to apply. With that being said, I've changed. For the better.
There is A LOT less self pity, however anger, and anxiety are still present and amped up at times as I work through the process. I'm nesting. Making lists. The more I get thru a list, the more accomplished I feel to tackle more, and the next thing on the list.
Right now, I'm weeding men out, and rebuilding my tribe. Working on the growth of loving myself more. You hear the saying, Love yourself first, and it will make space for good things in your life. Or some variety of that. It's true. However, how many of us really know how to do that? I was too angry for a long, long time to truly know what that meant.
I am no longer making excuses for my changes, or that afraid to make them. I use to sit around feeling sorry for myself that my tribe at the time weren't putting in the effort into me, as I do into them. I was holding onto them cos there was years of history. Or afraid cos then I'd be alone. That terrified me. Like, can not leave the house I'm too sad terrified.
Why is this my fault? Why I am being punished? I'm not. You're not!
These people are simply not your tribe. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be a dramatic break-up, just a moving on and not worrying about it. Finding the right frequency.
If these people were really your tribe, you wouldn't have to think about it, question it.
When the tribe fits, you just know. I'm learning that.
I'm rebuilding that tribe. I've found a venue to find new people to connect with.
My list is compartmentalized: Small example.
1) Get some girlfriends.
I don't have a lot of female friends. Not sure why, I just don't. Sooooo, that was step one. Joined an age appropriate group specific for females to connect. I have my first activity planned with them at the end of the month.
2) Find a group friends that enjoy the same things you do.
Paddle boarding, road-trips, exploring abandoned towns, live music ,sports, breweries etc. These are my key activities I do on a regular basis. I have my first adventurer tomorrow! It was terrifying to call up someone on this group and say hey, I'm Just Saying, and I'd love to come out on this adventure ,can I carpool with you? There are 12 us tomorrow. :)
3) Make my place feel more like a home.
I'm organizing. A lot. Its a little pricey, but worth it to feel in control and accomplished, and too like where I live, coming home to something cozy, comfortable and inviting is amazing. It serves a purpose more than just where I lay my head. A few more things to do around the apartment, but it's already coming together. #1 was creating a proper space for writing. I have a portable kitchen island that I don't really use. It occupies my larger appliances. SO I've turned it into my writing space. Reading lamp, a framed picture and laptop and chair. Whola. Feels right. This is my first entry in the new space.
My list is always shrinking and growing as I think of other things. My lists can be anything from daily chores to more long term goals. Yes I make a list to do laundry.
Example of my everyday list:
- sort and do laundry
-take out garbage
-wash floors
- pick up clothes
-Groceries (outside aisles only)
-nap
Having anxiety, it can be daunting to just think about the process. The lists helps. I've realized this list will be a forever thing. Making these lists work for me. They make me accountable, to myself. Sometimes I make the list and then do nothing for a couple days. I made the list, that was a step.
Back to making new connections:
Granted I know I may not have a connection with everyone I come across in this journey, but knowing they're all there for the same reasons one way or another, is comforting.
I find myself this past week really paying attention to how those I've invested in, treat me. Caught myself saying outloud a few times, "not my tribe".
I recently had a convo with a man I've had a seriously hard time getting over and letting go of.
He said something that woke me up. And my response was, "not my tribe".
"Just because I don't want to talk or hangout doesn't mean we are not friends. It just means I have nothing to say and just don't feel like hanging out."
I'm sorry, but when you don't say more than "golfed and relaxed"when asked how your day was, and "too lazy and/or tired to come out", for the last 3.5 years, um, ya, it means we're not friends. Especially when you're going to dinner, hockey games and other activities with other people. He had an excuse for that too. I smiled, and said okay, You're not my tribe, and deleted him. Done.
He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not.
If you want to be part of my tribe, it has to be a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. Period. You can not be in my tribe, and close the door to yours.
Those are the only rules.
I'll write more as changes develop. I have a good feeling about this journey and 2017.
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