New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication

 Thought I'd document my journey of coming off anxiety medication. Any updated will be linked to this original post .

I've been on cipralex  for a couple years now. If you read here, you'll see what started it. To this day it was the best decision for my mental health. The first 10 days were pure hell! I slept hard daily at lunch, was in a constant fog, and overall felt stoned. 

I got to about the 7th day and decided I couldn't live like this. This drug was worse than the constant inconsolable crying and lack of composure. I read a few forums and they all said they same thing. "you're going to hit a wall a week in. Tough it out, after 10 days we promise it gets better!"

I figured it's only a couple more days, I've come this far. Anyone who knows me, knows I am hypersensitive to narcotics in general. If there is a side effect to be had, I'll experience it. 

....And like magic, day 10 arrived and like the forums said, a light switch turned on, and I was now a new person! I was no longer speed talking, using alcohol to self medicate. At the time I wasn't even aware I was self medicating. Once the meds had taken hold, I could see straight, I was super rational, and things that made me shoot from the hip - no longer had a toll on me. I could react professionally and 99% less psychotic.

 It also made a difference in my relationships romantic and platonic alike. With my journey of finding my tribe, I wasn't about to keep any of this hush-hush and allow some bullshit society stigma to dictate how I would tell people around me about being on medication. 

I love my tribe! They embraced me with the amount of support people could only dream of. I was always honest if I wasn't feeling social and thought I'd be bad company etc, they always, ALWAYS insisted I was welcome. 

I went from being a daily crier, to not crying again for a whole year! When I did finally cry, I was ridiculously happy. I was in my talk therapy session and remembering the look on my shrinks face trying not to giggle that I was so happy I could cry. I was afraid I was a little numb.

I could feel everything, it simply did not have a hold on me, and once those first tears made their way past the medication barrier, I knew the dosage was correct. 

Fast forward a few years. I am now almost finished being in perimenopause and about to enter menopause. The chronic nausea, and headaches are now affecting my daily routine. 

A quick phone appointment with the doctor, and he thinks it is my anxiety medication. He suggests we come off it, and see how I manage. Now, the fact I didn't gasp in terror at the thought of taking away my mental health safety net; meant I also felt it was an okay idea. 

That brings us to today. I am starting my second week of taking the Cipralex every second day. 

The schedule is as follows, providing I don't have any major setbacks.

Dosage 5 mg (child's dose, I couldn't function on the minimum adult dose of 10mg)
2 weeks = every 2nd day

2 weeks = every 3rd day

2 weeks = every 4th day

2 weeks = every 5th day 

2 weeks = every 6th day

2 weeks = once a week

...and so on. 

I am a week into it, and I already have increased headaches, not sleeping great, and my talking pattern has sped up. That may have more to do with the job I have at the moment, where running around with your head cut off is my slow day. I feel like I have much to say and have to get it all-out-of-my-mouth immediately! 

I will leave you here and update weekly or every second week. 

#mentalhealthjourney

Covid Blues

 Currently sitting on my patio in the sun this Easter Sunday 2021, trying to rid myself of some covid blues. 

I've been avoiding addressing just how much covid is affecting me and my depression/anxiety. For a long, while now I've just been telling myself I'm bored. That is part of it for sure. Learning to live in isolation aside from going to work and the grocery store is getting old. In the beginning, my bubble and I would continue our Friday night dinners via Zoom. Then it started to fall away, the further into the year of Covid we got. September rolled around and my bubble had to become even more distant as a few have children starting elementary school, and were now in a bubble with 30 other families. I'm high risk due to asthma so we've all taken extra precautions. 

We're now a full year into the restrictions and our group has dissolved a bit. Noone seems to be making any efforts to stay in touch, have car-patio visits etc., and some of my bubble has now broken covid rules by travelling to whistler, a current hotbed of covid exposure and cases.

In all honesty, I feel selfish just writing this. I have a roof over my head, I'm healthy, I'm employed. How dare I feel all woes-is-me when there are people and friends who have contracted covid and are still in recovery. How dare I?!

I am alone and lonely. Us huggers are not okay! Not trying to be cute. Seriously, those of us that thrive and live for physical touch and live alone are not okay. Selfish, yes. Necessity, yes. Of my immediate circle, I am one of 3 that are single. However, I am the only one who isn't co-parenting or dating. I have 1 person I can be physical with, and funny enough he's none covid believer. But we won't discuss that. We only get together on his terms. Which until now I've been completely okay with it. It's now that my mental health is suffering and I've reached out... crickets.  I'm mad at him, I'm mad at myself for thinking he would be there in my time of need. 

With all this going through my head, I'm exhausted. Finding it hard to do just my regular chores; shower, get out of bed. My mental health homework and lists are not working. I am thankful though for my anxiety medication. I could not imagine where I'd been now (3 years after starting the meds).

I feel like I'm the only one reaching out to friends, checking in on them. Noone is checking on me. Those who live far away are, however, it is different when your immediate circle isn't.

That's all I have for now. I'll continue later. 

Stay Safe, Stay healthy. Be kind to others and yourself.  

2020 What a year!

Be sure to really look over the Terms and Conditions of 2021 before agreeing to ANYTHING! 

2020 has been a year of growth for the whole planet. Pandemic and that orange monkey in the states can go step on lego!

First things first, with all the complaints of people around the world crying, "my rights" wah wah wah, just sit back and reflect about if you had to go through 2020 without the access we have to the technology we have today? That's what I thought. Still sucks donkey ass, it could be much, much worse. 

Amazing how that job you have, you were told wasn't able to ever be remote, suddenly was, with little effort at that. Which I'm extremely fortunate for. 

I am in shock and amazed at the number of people crying over their rights, and government control etc... seriously? Don't wear that seatbelt, or wear a helmet when you ride a bike, skateboard, or not take x.y.z on a place cos the Tsa said so. I believe people will eventually come around and start wearing their masks and practicing stricter protocols. Not only for their own safety but for their own loved ones and the community around them. 

2020 Recap

Started doing a video sharing with a friend. Mental health homework really. We send each other short videos daily, talking about whatever; our day's concerns, laughs etc. it's been a great sounding board.

Went rollerskating this past July. Wore rentals instead of my own skates; hit a bump in the rink and everything in my brain said I had a back-stopper. I didn't. Stuck my foot out to stop, and went feet overhead and landed on my back, hitting my head, and knocking the wind out of myself. Thankfully I had a helmet on! 

Long story, short, I broke my back! I thought I had broken ribs. (they were bruised) The T8 thoracic to be specific. Thankfully it was a clean break and would heal without surgery. Flew a girlfriend in from Calgary to stay with me the first week. Best decision ever! 

Upon my return to work a couple weeks later, the tone and disdain I was being met with by management having to accommodate my return to work requirements (reduced hours, need to take standing breaks etc) were palpable. 

Needless to say, after much effort to get better, follow doctors' orders etc, my contract wasn't renewed in November. Which was okay by me. I hadn't been happy there since my return. 

Thankfully, I landed a position within a few days. :)

Covid has taught us to sit back and really take stock of the important things in life. 

I love my tribe. I love them hard. And us huggers, we're not okay! This brings me back to my opening lines; imagine going through this pandemic without access to technology!!!  

This past year we're all grown and quickly adapted in ways we never had to think about before. Being direct about the bubbles we share, being blunt and direct has now become an acceptable norm. True colours of people are being discovered all the time.  Bittersweet it is.

Moving into 2021 will be delicate, stern, and much more candour. Another colourful year ahead.  

Be true to yourself, your family, your tribe, and be unapologetic about it!

Day 21 of Covid-19 Isolation

Day 19

My mental health is taking a beating today. Well, all week really.

I'm not eating properly, I occasionally forget to eat. Yes, you read that correctly.
I have my work routine down to an art. It's the rest of my lift.

I've managed to keep my apartment in top shape. Since I'm not doing anything. When I'm waiting for a project to post on the work computer, I tidy, empty the dishwasher, vacuum daily. 

I find I'm itching to fight with people.  Stupid people that is. Those who are not practicing social distancing. Just carrying on with their lives, and barking at the rest of us that we're overreacting and that this pandemic is just the flu. 

Can't fix stupid, dumb dumb. I have a hard time not being baited into a fight that no one will win. I've decided to not reply now. It's hard.  I want to tell them how stupid, and dangerously inconsiderate they're being. At last, it won't change their opinion. nothing will until it happens to them.

My throat has hurt all week. And I don't manage my emotions well when I'm not feeling well. that's really how I know I'm under the weather; when I'm quick to shoot from the hip, rather than think rationally before speaking. ... look how far I've come! :)

I am extremely fortunate to have a position that I can do from home. And grateful for it. I work for a company that is an essential service. we provide protective gear for many industries.

So getting back to my personal and mental health routine...
I'm not doing it. I do not work out. I do not do my bi-daily yoga. I just do not do it.
Not sure why. I make lists of things I need to do, and all but personal routine gets completed.

I'm open to suggestions!

My friends and I are using apps available to us to stay connected. I'm starving for human touch.
I avoid the news and watch a lot of happy videos, and participate in the 7pm salute from my patio every night.
There is only so much we can do.

I have enough supplies to not leave the house at all for a bit. I go out once a week to gather supplies so I never run low, or out of anything. Also, it's nice to have backup in case anyone I know becomes stuck, I can help out.

If I can just get my ass in gear and do the workouts, the yoga,  I think I'd be in a better mental state.

That's all I have at the moment.

Please stay safe, do your part, and think of others when you do have to venture out.  It's about all of us.

Coronavirus-19 Isolation Day 1 - and other stuff

  Today is my first night in self-isolation. While I've been practicing social distancing, I've made myself available to a few people who are unable to get out and about. I've run groceries, doctor appointments, etc. Although now that I'm home, I will save 2.5 hours a day between not having to get ready in the morning or commuting to/from work. I'll also save gas! Funny now that gas is at an all-time low in 20 years in Vancouver, we can finally afford to drive, and we are not allowed to go anywhere. Murphy's Law.

  This morning I was in the midst of requesting to work from home, even though our company hadn't issued a phase 3 protocol as of yet. 2 hours later, we were in Phase 3. IT Dept working furiously to get us all connected on the networks to work from home.

  I can not tell you how much my level of anxiety has lowered since we've been told to work from home. I will still work my regular hours, however, a little slower, since I will be 100% paperless. It can, and will be done.

  Can not begin to tell you how ignorant some people in the lower mainland of Vancouver BC are. Not taking or practicing any precautions. At this point, if you're not doing your part, you're contributing to the death toll. Harsh, yes. True, extremely.

I ask you to educate yourself with the facts backed by science, and not by an orange monkey leading the states, or conspiracy articles. No scare tactics. This shit is real! Do your part! Be safe, and keep those around you safe!

  Check on your neighbours. The elderly. Make sure they've got the basics, the medications. If not, offer to pick it up for them. Cook them some meals that can be frozen.  In order to survive this pandemic, we have to take care of each other, as much as we do ourselves.

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  Work has been great! My contract was extended until the end of summer. They're trying to work out either a hard end date or hiring me.

  Our payroll gal is annoying as grrrrr.  She's a walking condiction.  I'm learning to challenge myself not to react or be affected by her. It's mental health homework the way I look at it.

  My cat is going to be so confused over the next while when he discovers I'm home allllll the time.
Maybe he'll misbehave a lot less.

  I've made a to-do list of minimizing the apartment. If you buy stuff, to store stuff, you have too much stuff.  That is exactly how I feel these days.  I have way too much stuff. I don't entertain at home anymore, why do I need 7 frying pans, 6 casserole dishes, 40 mugs etc.  Same with my books, clothes etc. it will be a long process, however, it's going to be so mentally freeing to unclutter my life.

A few things I've noticed already before mandatory isolation becomes a very real thing for the lower mainland, how much white noise the planes cause. now the planes cause. More than a few times I've been caught by surprise that the birds are loud. You can hear them! It's nice. Living in the city and being able to hear more nature than traffic is lovely.

Gonna sign off here. Stay safe friends.