Part 3.
After my folks passed away, the first few years were numb. Then I got angry, sad, etc all the steps of grieving. In that time, I also made a lot of bad decisions in my love life.
I dated men very briefly just for companionship. Had intimate encounters, again, with men I barely new, and just-did-not-care. Subconsciously I knew what I was doing was wrong, unsafe, morally against what I believed in. All for the sake of not being alone. Feeling loved and wanted if only for a moment. Some how I convinced myself this was a strategic strategy to protect my heart. With that I put my guards up, wrapped my heart in bubble wrap and smiled for protection, dressed up my emotions for my friends. (last sentence are lyrics from separate songs from my friends band) I used them cos they are the perfect words.
I've been unlucky in love. Jilted by men, jaded for having male friends and watch them play the games they do. Smarter/wiser for it. yes. Better off for acting on it. No.
I was talking to a guy I men on the dating site I use.
We did not have the best first start. He was name dropping about his success in his industry, so I sent him a msg blasting him for it. It's a dating site, not a look at my awesome career. We exchanged some surprisingly civil words and I learned how articulate he actually was and the insecurities he exposed to me.
We've recently added each other to FB, not a romantic connection, but a connection of another kind. Last night, I'm not sure how the topic came to be, but we exchanged profiles and tweaked them for one another. Then he did something no one has ever had enough balls to do. He called me out. Not rudely, he has tact, and in it's sincerity he made some very valid points. I've never once had anyone ever talk to me like this. Here is what he said about me solely based on my profile.
"Over confidence from insecurities is a turn off."
Called. Me. Out.
But in the nicest way. There was more chatting afterwards, and I, surprisingly was not once defensive about it. (rarity for me) I didn't bite his head off, for whatever reason a calm came over me. It all made sense suddenly. I want to be more of the lady and let men be men, I could never figure out how without being soooooo independent. Too independent, that I forgot how to let people do things for me, talk to me, just be nice to me. I've had a tendancy of giving off the vibe that I'm strong enough to not need anything ever done for me. Even if it's just chivilary.
(if I stop looking for fights, fights will stop finding me)
Last night I let my guard down. I was vulnerable, honest and never once felt weak.
I felt centered, strong, and more in control.
I'm actually having a hard time finding the correct sentence to express the ease I'm feeling.
Maybe it showed last night, cos my friend from the band said the nicest things to me having no idea whats been going on in my head. A six sense maybe? Coincidence? (this is the second time he's voiced something that applies to my private thoughts)
My "gentleman friend" came to the pub with us, and normally it's a regular night, nothing special, but we had a great time. More of a date. A first for us.
I told DT (online friend) that I applied the things we talked about the night before. That if we were to ever lose touch, he'd always be remembered in my heart for steering me in this direction. Good karma heading his way.
To be continued......
~ Being Samiantha
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