I'm single again. Well I have always technically been single.
I've been dating a man on and off for 13 years.
We have a lot of history where he's stepped up and been there for me.
We started out as roommates, as I watched him tell lies, cheat, munipulate multiple women at a time, and thought "this is a guy I never want to experience".
Then it happened. We started dating, and of course he cheated and I ended things, heart broken and devestated, cos I was sincerely into him. To him it was a game.
Although, I did learn in later years, he did care, but the drama that was our circle of friends at the time was the demise of us.
Over the years we find ourselves together for convience and comfort if not anything else. We're never exclusive, we're rarely in public together, and yet this arrangement works for me. Until now.
In the past few months, we're both offically single and have been going out in public on dates, meeting up with MY friends (his I hate- always have) and yes, I've found myself getting attached.
I've put this to bed last night.
Knowing he's got the best of both worlds, having his cake and eating it.
Never for a moment did I ever kid myself that he would change for me, if I did, then I would deserve what I got.
I've told him I can no longer particapate in our arrangement that has worked so well for so long.
I like him. I want more.
Even if he agree'd to wanting more, I'd never be able to trust him. He cheats on.every.single.g/f.
He put a ring on the finger of his last g/f and still cheated on her while they lived together.
Seriously, I'm not foolish enough to fall for that or think he'd be any different.
He once said recently, he wanted us to be sexually exclusive but to date other people....
Can not even begin to tell you all the things wrong with that sentence.
I shed a a few tears, gave myself permission to be sad for a day, and now I'm over it.
But still in the back of my head, I wonder what keeps us coming back to each other over the last 13 years?
Has anyone ever been in this position? Mind says "HELL NO" but my heart still wants what it wants.
Thankfully my brain is the stronger of the two this time around.
I have had this happen to me with my ex, the first and only person I've ever sincerely loved. No matter how many times we decide not to speak, our mutual friends bring us together again in one way or another. And when the time comes that we get reaquainted, it never succeeds at the level of "just friends", it's always something more. I've been with him while he's had a girlfriend, and despite the fact that his past would spell out an ugly future for the two of us should we ever decide to give it another shot, the love I have for him is so strong that I always go back. He may never change, it may never be the fairy tale I want it to be, but it makes me happy having him in my life and I don't want to deny myself the happiness he brings me. Although it's equal part to the sadness, love is pain and for the time being I'll bear through it. Maybe one day one of us will grow up, and finally grow together.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you. :) Demand better, and believe that you deserve better...because you do!
ReplyDeleteThanks Red, I do deserve better.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to let go of the comfort, but obviously the right thing to do.
Thanks CS.