Mostly out of boredom and/or the fact the thoughts in my head will not last til Monday.
I'm still recovering from the 48 stomach bug that has held my body hostage, so I've opted out of my weekend plans to lay on the couch, watch really bad TV, sit in the sun with my coffee with no rush to go anywhere, read a book on local ghosts and hauntings, and of course, watch the sex in the city marathon, then the movie.
Which brings me to now.....
The last two weeks I've been moping over the ex. Just a bump in the whole recovery process. I mean you don't spend 13 on/off years with someone and turn off your feelings like a light switch cos he decided he did not want to spend the rest of his life with you. Douche.
I miss him. I hate that I do, cos I don't want to, but I do.
Then something occurred to me. Slipped my mind for a moment, or two.
He stopped sharing his life with me a long long time ago. He stopped loving me a long time ago. As it turns out, I loved him enough for the both of us. It just wasn't mutual.
And now.... I'm becoming bitter and jaded about all those years.
I was so blinded by his charm, and shithead antics, balanced with all the great things and "just because" he'd do. I couldn't see the relationship was over before it was officially over.
Watching SINTC I'm reminded that I'm the biggest cynic about love and yet, the biggest hopeless romantic. Oxymoron or hypocrite?
I'm Miranda and Carrie all rolled into one. Is it any wonder I'm a loss cause?
I would like to say he's in the past, but he's not. We have mutual friends.
Friends who are closer with him now cos they are best friends with his g/f.
(The one he's with when we're "off" again)
They all work together, well inter-linked from client/agent relationship etc.
It's how we all met.
I've made it clear I never want to hear about him. Please don't ask me if I want to know the latest, cos I'm not asking. At the same time I feel bad a little, cos in essence, I've asked my friends to censor a part of their lives around me.
The solution: Fade those people out of my life. What? It's going to happen anyways as a natural process. These friends are a bigger part of that circle now cos of the connection with the g/f.
Explain to me how I lose friends cos he's not dating one from their circle.
Is this normal? Anyone else go thru this?
I love LOVE and everything that has to do with love.
I've been in love twice. I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of which were long term.
The 3rd was a booty call on/off for the last twenty years. When we were both single, we'd magically find each other and pick up where we left off. No games. No strings. We were friends. No one had to know about our past. I do refer to him as a b/f cos we dated in high school.
Yes I'm capable of a healthy booty call. I'm currently in the process of setting up an ongoing booty call with a guy I'm not attracted too.... but more about that later.
I'm tired of being sad, feeling rejected by the one person who I thought truly got me.
Parts of me feel like I'll never find someone again, almost like I'm not deserving of finding love, cos I'm almost 40 and couldn't make this work.
Know how I know when I really dig someone? I want to cook for them.
I mean I get excited to woo them with my skills that I rarely show.
I cook for my friends, but I don't wow them with anything, and that is a whole other kind of intimacy being created anyway.
I guess what all this rambling is getting to the point of asking. How long am I going to feel hurt over this? I've been rejected before, but somehow this is different, and why such a delay in the grief?
Us not being together is a healthy thing, I know this.
But it doesn't hurt any less cos of it.
...OK I'm going to stop here, I'm not making any more sense. The thoughts and paragraphs are in my head, however, they are not translating properly from brain to
It's better to hate them, I think. Or I think it sounds more like you knew it was over too, so therefore how can it be him rejecting you? More of a rejection of a relationship that wasn't working anymore. Sucks to have common friends though. Might be healthier to form a new circle. But 13 years is a long time and will take time to get over. Don't beat yourself up over it!
ReplyDeleteLB@30 I've started a new circle a year or so ago.
ReplyDeleteJust sucks, all of it.
But it's life I guess.
Funny that when we're teenagers we thought adults had it all worked out. Settled and were content. If someone had only told me that change is the only constant, even as we get older, the drama never really stops, it just matters how we handle it.
I have been divorced for over 10 years and our relationship was over LONG before the legal stuff.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I am in a store - I will catch myself seeing something and thinking: "Wow. He would really like that". I don't buy the object, but it bothers me that I still think about him like that.
Kas - so I'm normal and do not need therapy? SWEET!
ReplyDeleteWell as someone who is in therapy it can be a good thing - depends on the kind of person you are and what you need to dig through... but that being said for one SATC annoys me to no end - I love what it tried to do but it just makes me so damn depressed because in the end it keeps saying if we just forgive our Mr Big's that life works out and we can throw out the good relationships or that we shouldn't hang on for the good ones to come around even when we know we are ultimately better for not being in that relationship.
ReplyDeleteI will confess I am lonely a lot of the time when life slows down. I confess that I am dreading with deep fear my staff Christmas party, going single again and all the those other holiday events when the "So when are going to " questions come up. But you know maybe I've had enough shitastic relationships (thus the therapy) to know that single can be a blessing - for me it reinforces everything I want and feel I deserve and I repeat them to myself if I need to.
I deserve respect
I deserve love from myself first and foremost but also from a man who respects me and loves me for all my faults, quirks and fabulousness
I deserve safety and security
I deserve joy, laughter and peace
All these things we can have in a relationship but for now I get them from myself and my friends.
PS I think you know as well as I do that you deserve the same things and your ex from the sounds of it doesn't give you those things
S&P
ReplyDeleteI"m debating the therapy thing. Not so much for the breakup, but for touching base on my mental health in general in regards to my parents passing. But if I go, obviously we'll touch that topic too.
We had words saturday night.
I think I need to talk to him once a year or so to remind myself I'm worthy of more in every way.
Side note - I'm PRO COUNSELLING!!!
ReplyDeleteI always tell people who ask that the stimga attached is lost after a few sessions in.
Without a doubt, my shrink saved my life when I was dealing with such a great loss years ago.