Shut up brain...Or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip.

The end of this month will be 11 years since my Mum passed away; 6 years this past February was my Dad's anniversary. At times it feels like it's been months, other times, years. Most anniversaries that pass, I share their favorite bottle of wine and shop for something selfish or drink a 6 pack of beer, & play solitaire with real cards and reflect on many things. Others, thankfully not often, there are times when it passes almost like any other day. Then there are milestone years. No rhyme or reason as to when and why I'm sadder some years over others. This year, sad, for both. Even sad for those I don't know, when I hear about loss in their lives, makes me tear up. Even empathy for TV characters going thru shit.


I'm 39 next month and think I might actually be having a mini midlife crisis. Instead of wondering when I'll have the things I want (spouse/husband/better job, relationship with my siblings etc) I find myself starting to prepare myself for a life alone.

Last Tuesday when I cut my hand, I called 3 friends first to see if one of them could drive me to the hospital rather than taking a taxi. One was in a conference, one didn't answer the phone (and still have yet to call back even with a detailed voicemail/text), the third one simply said No. Funny the one that said no, was the one that lived the closest. Her reason, they had just settled in for the night to watch a movie. Her other reason, if the cut was serious enough, just call 911.

Bitch.

It's things like that, that make me realize that I still have people in my life I shouldn't, and that maybe I don't have the friends I thought I did. Maybe I'm more alone than I thought. I've invested in people more than they've invested in me. I'm still having one-way friendships. At least that's how it feels. I know people come and go, but maybe, maybe I'm not all that likable. Ya I'm feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment, but come on, I was bleeding (see gushing at first) every where, freaking out a little... no one came to help. Not knowing at the time that it wasn't all that serious, though so.not.the.point... What if it had been serious and I had been one of those people who faints at the site of blood???

I've been independent for so long and have had a problem letting people in in the past, but this struck a cord with me. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my friends, no matter how silly or small the issue or task at hand. No pun intended.  Though I'm deleting phone numbers and people off facebook with more frequency. In the convenient world of technology, instant communication, people being glued to their cell phones, and data plans, actions still speak louder than words. And the actions have not been good.

Am I a friendship snob? Do I expect too much or do I simply have the morals and principles of a different life time?

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on all of it. There is something to learn from everything. Right? Maybe it's still an adjustment period of having new people in my life.

I spoke with my old house guest two weeks ago. By email. I was at work when the overwhelming vibe to check on her. I'm sure I've mentioned in the past we have a kindred connection. We just know when the other is distressed. Not just having a bad day, but really distressed. So I sent her an email, saying just that. "Had an overwhelming urge to check on you. Just let me know you're okay...." She replied a couple days later, "It's funny how you always know when to check on me. Thing are ok, just okay. I'll write more later when I can explain".

Ran it past Elizabeth Singleton, although she thought it was a bad idea to email her in the first place, she stood by my decision. When LC replied again explaining that life was still shit, but was trying to make the best of it with some other details. Over all it was a couple sentences. I decided not to reply with any more questions, she really did not give me anything to reply too. I replied with a short, "ok, thanks for letting me know you're okay." Nothing more. I did not mention it earlier cos I wasn't sure I was going to write about it at all and simply did not want too.

I do see us being friends again much later in life. Right now, I cannot be there for her until she gets her life in order. Not much of a friend? As long as people are around to "support her" we are essentially enabling her to continue taking advantage of us. She has to realize on her own, that no matter how shitty her life has been for the last 13 yrs, she is responsible for her own choices and consequences. I doubt she will contact me again until she can be the friend she should have been.

Accutane update:

Got my recent blood work back and it wasn't good. My bad cholesterol levels spiked considerably. It started off at the high end of normal, which was 2.3. Now it's 5.3.

Not good at all.

I was hoping to increase the mg's from 80 to 120 for the reminder of the cycle; instead we decreased it to 40 mg's from 80. I have one month to lower my levels or I'll have to be taken off the accutane and put on a cholesterol lowering medication temporarily to help lower the levels if I'm unable to do it myself.

Thankfully it's as simple as really being more diligent with my diet. No "fatty foods" while on accutane. Red meats, dairy (bye bye lattes) cheese, etc. all have to be fairly limited. I have to start walking. You're not suppose to work out while taking this, due to the ability to properly sweat and the aches and pains that follow etc, but walking isn't really exercising. I have to stop being 100% sedentary.

Lately I feel like I'm a mega Debbie Downer.
I'm really not. I'm a fairly happy person. I tend to use this blog to vent so not to bother friends with it, rather than sharing the funny, stupid, dorky things more often. Going to make more effort to change up this blog to something more positive. Even I can only read so much woes it me. 

Very long story short; I'm missing something that will make me more whole. I like myself and my life for the most part. I'd like myself more if I was more financially stable. Not rich, just more stable, I think I would have more confidence and a little less stress about material things, clothes, car, outtings, holidays etc. Hence I really need to upgrade my skills.