Matt's Challenge.

Matt @ Learning From Self History commented on this entry a few weeks back. He contemplated just exactly how much to write and how obscure he could be, without risk of offending me, or appearing to be attacking me.  Instead he wrote me a private message explaining just that.

I instructed him to never censor himself and I would never delete any comments unless they were truly offensive. I post the posts I do, cos I want real feed input. In the few emails we exchanged he explained that he seems to only comment on blogs lately while half-trying to challenge someones whole way of looking at things. He extended his offer to send more comments if I was interested in hearing further thoughts from him, which might involved he might be a bit overly challenging towards my point of view.

My blog isn't just one of venting. It's also one of reflecting the past and present to grow and expand my views. With that said, Matt gave me a challenge even though he was still a little weary about going to far with his comments.

He gave me 5 questions to answer. 5 of which required some thought. It wasn't an easy thing to sit down and really look at myself internally. Admit out loud my faults, my vulnerabilities.

I'm not going to share all 5 questions/answers with you. I'm going to keep 4 to myself as I hold them dear, and frankly I'm still absorbing what I learned about myself. For that, Matt will always have a special place in the back of my head for this challenge.

Without further ado, here is the one question he challenged me with that I'm comfortable with posting.

Q:
One of those old psychology clichés, but it may have value: Part of you is seeking out guys who share characteristics with someone/multiple someones from your past, in order to get the chance to replay past experiences but with the hope of finding a way to arrive at a different outcome.

If you're up for it I'd be interested to read a post along the lines of "The 5 men who've played the biggest part in my life so far, and how things played out with each of them" (Don't all have to be relationships - hell, I haven't had 5 long-term relationships - but just 5 men who have influenced how you see men.)

I just had a quick look through your past posts for anything like this but didn't manage to find anything (although I did see the following sentence in a May 2010 post: "All the men in my life, friends or otherwise, are all cheating, lying to their spouses or jerking around women for fun" - ouch - this reminds me that it's still possible that most men are jerks and that I'm the one who's got the skewed world-view!)


A:
5 men who have influenced or played a big part in my life. Relationship or not.
This is harder than I thought. I don’t want to get all-deep seeded but of course, most will think it starts with my Dad. It doesn’t. It starts with my siblings.

I’ve longed for acceptance from my siblings my whole life. Family is important to me and the fact mine is so dysfunctional, I strive to have it even more. I’m the youngest of 6. I grew up the youngest, and the only child, as there are many years between me and the next sibling and almost 2 decades between the oldest and me. Sooooo, that need to be accepted by my siblings, starts my pattern of choosing the men I do. And toughing it out much longer than I need or even wants too.


Jason W. The Ex.
My first real love.
Almost a solid 8 years. Probably the healthiest relationship I’ve had.
He was the first to tap into my anger issues in a soft way that prompted me to start with anger management. He was kind, patient, calm, handsome, strong, athletic, funny as all get out and completely impossible at other times. He would take something that bugged me and or something I was very serious about and make a joke out of it, until I yelled at him. There was a healthy balance though like any relationship. About 6-7 years into our relationship, he suddenly became “concerned” about my weight. At the time, I was only 130/135 lbs, in shape, still extremely active. However this was the start of other issues we’d be side stepping. We eventually broke up. It was civil, caring, calm. We simply did not want the same things for our futures.

Adam H.
We only went out a few times and never connected on enough levels to be romantic.
I remember clearly being on dates with him and being impressed just how naturally he was a gentleman. Thinking to myself, “it should be like this all the time. Easy.” He didn’t do things to try and sleep with me. He did them cos it was the right thing to do. He got to know me over wine, walks and movies. I still remember saying to him that he’d raised the bar for all other men. He was consistent. Polite. Handsome. Grown up.

Adam W.
Just like the other Adam. He is the most consistent man I know. We’ve never dated, although back in the beginning before he found his fiancé. There was an open invite, but I never touched it. He treats his friends’ great. Does things when asked, never expecting anything in return, and never holds favours he’s filled, over anyone’s head. I strive to have more mutual relationships with my friends like this, and to be more consistent. It’s been a constant change, in a good way.

Evan E.
I learned much from this relationship. It was short lived and intense. He lived here 1/2 the time and back east the other half. This relationship lasted less than 2 years in total. As foolish as some of the things we did as a result of being in love, I learned a couple things. 1) I will never move out of BC for anyone. Period.  Selfish I know. 2) You can NOT live in two house holds while trying to share a bed full time. I refused to give up my apartment while I lived with him.  Maybe I knew this wasn't meant to last, or I was still under the spell of The Douche.  It ended amicably and he moved to another province to for work. I hold special thoughts for the way he made me laugh and for not hating me when I ended our relationship.

The Douche.
He was amazing, considerate, dorky, kind and also impossible at times. We had our issues from the start due to our previous living arrangements. We had only known each other two years when my Mum passed away. He stepped up. He was there for me while I was having a mental break down. I don’t say that lightly. It was serious. I wasn’t taking care of myself. We weren’t even together anymore when he’d stop by to make sure I was sleeping, eating and bathing. I wasn’t doing any of those things.

He broke into my suite once when he knew I was home but wouldn’t answer the door. (I was heavily sedated and don’t remember the events leading up to this or a few afterwards). I came too in the shower, fully clothed, as The Douche was undressing me, rubbing soap on me, washed my hair, and shaved my legs. I remember the numb, listlessness feeling I had. Like I wasn’t even there, but I was watching it all take place.

He had bathed me, made sure I ate something, and tucked me into bed on a few occasions in those first couple weeks. I don't remember the day as it happened, or the days after that (it came to me afterwards), he told me he stopped by to make sure I was okay. I remember opening my freezer once and realizing someone had put a few ready to heat up small meals. It was him. He was also the one to tell me I would cry in my sleep, and the first to notice I had started sleep walking.

Post trauma stress is a funny thing. It can fuck you up royally.

For those of you who only read the bad things I say about him, these are just a few of the great things he did. The behind the scenes that no one ever sees or knows about.

This is why I continued to fall back on him as my “go to” guy when I was having a problem. Cos I knew he could fix it. Deep down, I knew I held onto our relationship much much longer than I needed to, even when we weren’t good to each other. His influence as a caregiver was a result of me putting up with his bullshit for years… He fixed and protected me. And up until recently, he was still that person for me, even whilst in another relationships. I've since made a huge effort to move on. I have too.

So Matt, there you have it.

The men who have shaped and influenced me in one-way or another. What I got from writing this, though I’m not sure if I’ll publish this, is, I need a kind man that fulfills the many layers of my onion. He must be kind, understanding, patient, opinionated, funny, consistent, supportive, respectful, and lastly, strong enough to date, and love me. I’m a handful.

I got quite a bit of self-realization about my dating habits from having to think about all this, and putting it on paper. Can’t assign blame to anyone but me. This has definitely given me something to think about. What to change. What to put up with. How to give myself more self-respect. Now I just have to find the balance of not being cold hearted and letting people go to soon or harshly and when to really let them in.

Matt and I exchanged a few more emails after this that I won't be sharing. Some things just have to be kept private. Although he did give permission to post our whole conversation.