Dating Failure.

I've been sick this past week, with not much energy to do anything other than nap, watch tv, force some food into my gullet, and more napping.
It's been a weekend of love chick flicks. 

I thought I was feeling better this morning as I read over blogs I've missed, morning coffee, wondering if the coldness in my chest is ever to give way to health. I just noticed I've been watching some behind the scene show about Shawn Desmond and I realized I should probably go shoot myself now for not realizing sooner and changing the channel. Yup still sick. And so thankful for the extra day off, BC Family Day Holiday.

Single & Picky wrote a entry recently that resonated with me. I've been dating someone since November, and whilst I'm waaaay more invested in this relationship, I can't shake free of the mix signals he sends. He's got me so wrapped around his finger, and doesn't even know it. He says all the right things, but his actions, scream something completely opposite. This is not my first at the rodeo. I know when a guy is no longer interested. And we've had those moments of clarity. Then he says something that makes my heart swoon, and we're back where we began.

I was convinced, maybe still am that he has a gf. Even though when asked out right, he swears he's single, and that I'm the only person he's dating/sleeping with.
Yet he's not only unavailable on the weekends, he's completely unreachable. Every weekend since Xmas break. I'm sorry but in my books, weekends are meant to be spent with people in your life you like etc. I've brought this up, and he gets quiet defensive, that he's just at home relaxing doing nothing, and that I could put a camera in his apt or keep tabs on him. First of all that's creepy, but I laughed, cos well, I could make that happen. lol

I pull away, and he's attentive. It's a roller coaster.  In the last month or so, we've been discussing birth control options. He knows how I feel about having unprotected sex. None without an exclusive relationship. Period. It's not negotiable. As I feel it's the most intimate thing two people can do together. He brought it up again more recently, so I did my research, and came to a solution for us. Advised him of the option I'd come up with, mentioning that he's have to pay for half, and come with me to the appointment, should we agree to do this. Said he'd think about it. Seemingly excited about being able to take our sexual escapades a step further.

That was two weeks ago this coming Wednesday. Haven't heard from him. No replies to text messages or calls. Guess I have my answer.  Not to mention I'm pretty pissed about the whole unavailable weekend thing. So I'm taking the birth control option off the table all together.

Had this been with anyone else, this shit would have been put to bed months ago. But there is something I see in him, that I like, a lot. A LOT. A LOT!

I see boyfriend material in him. I just don't think he sees the same in me. Words vs actions. Make them match. It shouldn't be this hard. That being said, I think he's worth fighting for, however, in the same breath, how much of this roller coaster and type of rejection can I take.

I've been starving for male affection, and whilst I'm dating someone I'd like to be exclusive with, my needs are not being met. Me being impatient, needy or he's just not that into me.

I recently ran into the Douche. Haven't talked to him in some time. There was a hug so tight, so secure, no words could articulate all the things that were being said with that hug. In that short few minutes, he managed to fulfill something I needed from the man in my life that I'm not getting. A sense of security, belonging, love.

I know while writing this, you're all shaking your head, saying "can't you see what we see? He's not in it with you". I do. I see it. I know it. I don't want to to know it, but I do.

The part of me that is truly hanging on, is the part of me that is afraid to be alone. How long will it be before I meet someone who makes my stomach jump, and makes me do little idiot dances of joy when he calls me, or sends a sweet little text. 

Hold on for the wrong reasons, or let go and be a 40 yr old lonely loser?