My Aunt is an uber bitch these days. Nothing provokes her belittling attacks against me, but when they surface, they're hot pokers aimed at open wounds.
We talk a few times a week, every week. Sometimes a little less depending on our schedules. Tonight, was just touching base on how our weekends went. Ya know, birthdays and Mother's Day etc. I mentioned my frustrations about a program at my job, and just having to guess at certain parts of it, while waiting for some training from another person in my position at a different location.
Not sure how the topic turned against me, but man did it. This is not the first time she's attacked me, but I've also been doing my part over the years to never let the topics of my love life and my weight come to be a topic.
So. From my mentioning of frustration at my job, she has decided, that I do not deserve my job, as I didn't go to school for it, and by gawd, she's sure there is someone out there with a university education who is more deserving of it. *blink in shock*
After telling her she's wrong, and my education has nothing to do with the current position I'm in; she informs me accountants go to school for many many years etc blah blah, and I haven't. Ummmm, okay, but I'm not an accountant, and my position isn't an accounting position. It's property management. While there is a certain amount of basic accounting you have to do, it's nothing a high schooler couldn't do.
My frustrations are with the JDE Oracle program. Yes, it's a financial program, but that's not my issue. It's finding the pathways to get to where I need to be, to execute the task at hand. If any of you know the program, you know just how huge it is. Even my manager has said, "There is only so much you can learn, there will always be something that will fall on your desk that someone else will have to teach you". Not to mention, it takes a year to learn the in's/out's of my job. I've been there 3 months.
I've taken hobby course at night school over the years. It's one way to learn what I don't want to do with my life. Another way to look at it is; by not having a university education, also means I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt for an education I'm not using in that field. We all have those friends. Friends who are in debt 10's of thousands of dollars in debt, and working where? In a book store, or waiting tables, cos that is all they could find to pay the bills.
From there, she attacked my love life. That I would never land an educated man, cos what man with a MBA would date me, not having an education of my own? Nor would an athletic man who takes care of himself would ever date me either, cos, well, I'm overweight. *more blinking in shock*. She seems to forget I was once an athlete myself. Not all men care about how fit a woman is (sure it's nice) but they want a woman who will at least try! There is more to a relationship than just looks. Sure, looks get your attention, but it won't keep it.
That has always been a sore spot for me. My love life and my weight.
I've had 3 great loves. One for 8 years. One on/off for 14 years. One very short, intense, passionate 2 years, that I learned the most from. But that means nothing in her books as I'm currently turning 40 and unmarried.
My love life had been drama that could have put the Desperate Housewives to shame! However, it has taken a turn for the better, but I can't share it with the one person I want to, for fear of ridicule and defending why this relationship works, and the last one didn't. Or to defend how this relationship came to the current terms, why now and not 20 years ago.
The last one is still a sore spot for me. The Aunt loves trying to explain to me that I didn't do enough, to be good enough for him. Hence why he chose the other girl. Sigh, really? I know why we didn't work out. But that's just an excuse in her books. I should have tried harder. In her opinion.
Maybe. I could have fought harder for him. In the end, he'd just be my expensive divorce waiting to happen, and not HRH's. Kind of feel bad for her. I do. Cos she all blissfully happy in love, married thinking she won. She didn't. I didn't. We're both losers in this. It will just take her longer to learn that.
What is even more pathetic, is that even knowing what I know, the things we said to each other, right to the last day, those last hours. I was hysterically upset over it for a bit. I couldn't stop being hurt that I wasn't enough. That I let it happen for so many years past where it should have ended. But now, I'm glad it didn't work out. I could never have trusted him.
My weight. I work at it.
I cut out the sugar, salt, high fat foods etc, and I pack on 10 more pounds! So ya, it's a tender spot to be told I'm not good enough by the one person who is suppose to be there unconditionally. She doesn't have to agree with my life, my choices, etc, but she should accept them, as they are part of me.
Today, in my Aunts books, I'm a piece of shit. She didn't say that, but she may as well have. Cos what job and man do I deserve without an education and being fat? As she do nicely put it.
It was a beat down I just did not need on a day where I feel like shit.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Huge LC (old house guest) Update.... see below
....stayed tuned.
Just getting my ducks in a row before I can blog about this. It's huge. I've called in favours from unlikely places, just "in case".
Updates to come. The day has been spent updating siblings where all my important paperwork is etc, and talking to people from professional to un-. Like I said, getting my ducks in a row first.
No need to freak out, I'm looking at the bigger picture here. All the proper authorities will be contacted within the next 10 days etc. Covering all bases.
Stay classy blog-o-sphere. Tell those you love; so.
xo
Here's the update...
... LC was beaten to a pulp over the weekend. She stood her ground, and took a huge beating as a result. The pictures are horrible. :-( As a result of not running, many many police came. Her ex was arrested, put in jail, issued a no contact order, and a few days later, she was granted an emergency protection order against him.
The hard part; advising her to put her affairs in order that same weekend. No piece of paper is going to stop him if he wants to end her life. Personally, if she's alive 6 months - year from now, I'll be extremely surprised. This has been a long time coming. I've been preparing myself for this ending since she moved back into the house 2 years ago. The beatings started shortly after she went back.
I've learned that abuse in any form is a gradual thing. So leaving is never an immediate action in most cases, its a process. However, I'd like to think if a man ever laid a hand on me, even once, he'd have less than 24 hours to find a new place to live and go into hiding. Even accidentially smacked me or something, that would be it, it would be over.
Verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual are forms too. If the roommate and I were dating, I'd be in a verbally abusive relationship myself. Alas, we're not, and he's just un-medicated.
For any of you that might be new to this blog, I can only offer a few pieces of advise:
1. Always have control over your own money.
There is absolutely no reason not too. Ever. If you make a pay cheque, you should not be handing it over to someone else, then asking for money to do or buy something. Sure, have a joint account where you put your share of the rent, bills etc. but outside of that, the rest is yours, period. Don't let anyone tell you, you're bad with money etc, so they should handle your finances. If that is the case, go to your bank and obtain a financial advisor, that is what they are there for, to teach you about finances in ways you'll understand. The person that controls the money, controls you. If you control your own, you're in control of you.
2. Should your bf/gf ever lay a hand on you, file a police report and leave. If you don't, they will get a taste for it, knowing you're not going to do anything about it. Regardless if you have kids or not, leave. There are services out there to assist you in the transition. Don't ever say you're staying cos you have to for the kids etc.
3. If you're unhappy, leave. Don't make excuses "but he has a good side". If you have to watch what you say, or how you say it, what you do, who you hang out with, etc, leave. No one should have that kind of control over you. It's one thing to be considerate, but not controlled.
Read up on domestic abuse, simply to educate yourself. Plently of government sites with links. Learn to recognize the signs, cos they are so subtle, and then wham! You're in the middle of an abusive relationship. So if you can educate yourself and others by being proactive about it, you might make better choices.
Think about it like sex ed. You don't have sex for the first time without knowing about the consequences and risks. Or driving, you never get behind the wheel without learning something about the rules of the road and how a vehicle works. If you do, then you're a risk to yourself and everyone on the road.
All I'm saying is, we all think this will never happen to us. It's not happening to me, but I'm affected by connection to it, and as a result, I'll most likely have to watch my friends' life end.
Just getting my ducks in a row before I can blog about this. It's huge. I've called in favours from unlikely places, just "in case".
Updates to come. The day has been spent updating siblings where all my important paperwork is etc, and talking to people from professional to un-. Like I said, getting my ducks in a row first.
No need to freak out, I'm looking at the bigger picture here. All the proper authorities will be contacted within the next 10 days etc. Covering all bases.
Stay classy blog-o-sphere. Tell those you love; so.
xo
Here's the update...
... LC was beaten to a pulp over the weekend. She stood her ground, and took a huge beating as a result. The pictures are horrible. :-( As a result of not running, many many police came. Her ex was arrested, put in jail, issued a no contact order, and a few days later, she was granted an emergency protection order against him.
The hard part; advising her to put her affairs in order that same weekend. No piece of paper is going to stop him if he wants to end her life. Personally, if she's alive 6 months - year from now, I'll be extremely surprised. This has been a long time coming. I've been preparing myself for this ending since she moved back into the house 2 years ago. The beatings started shortly after she went back.
I've learned that abuse in any form is a gradual thing. So leaving is never an immediate action in most cases, its a process. However, I'd like to think if a man ever laid a hand on me, even once, he'd have less than 24 hours to find a new place to live and go into hiding. Even accidentially smacked me or something, that would be it, it would be over.
Verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual are forms too. If the roommate and I were dating, I'd be in a verbally abusive relationship myself. Alas, we're not, and he's just un-medicated.
For any of you that might be new to this blog, I can only offer a few pieces of advise:
1. Always have control over your own money.
There is absolutely no reason not too. Ever. If you make a pay cheque, you should not be handing it over to someone else, then asking for money to do or buy something. Sure, have a joint account where you put your share of the rent, bills etc. but outside of that, the rest is yours, period. Don't let anyone tell you, you're bad with money etc, so they should handle your finances. If that is the case, go to your bank and obtain a financial advisor, that is what they are there for, to teach you about finances in ways you'll understand. The person that controls the money, controls you. If you control your own, you're in control of you.
2. Should your bf/gf ever lay a hand on you, file a police report and leave. If you don't, they will get a taste for it, knowing you're not going to do anything about it. Regardless if you have kids or not, leave. There are services out there to assist you in the transition. Don't ever say you're staying cos you have to for the kids etc.
3. If you're unhappy, leave. Don't make excuses "but he has a good side". If you have to watch what you say, or how you say it, what you do, who you hang out with, etc, leave. No one should have that kind of control over you. It's one thing to be considerate, but not controlled.
Read up on domestic abuse, simply to educate yourself. Plently of government sites with links. Learn to recognize the signs, cos they are so subtle, and then wham! You're in the middle of an abusive relationship. So if you can educate yourself and others by being proactive about it, you might make better choices.
Think about it like sex ed. You don't have sex for the first time without knowing about the consequences and risks. Or driving, you never get behind the wheel without learning something about the rules of the road and how a vehicle works. If you do, then you're a risk to yourself and everyone on the road.
All I'm saying is, we all think this will never happen to us. It's not happening to me, but I'm affected by connection to it, and as a result, I'll most likely have to watch my friends' life end.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Second Thoughts on Suicide
I was watching a show late last night how young adult and even grown adults come to the conclusion that suicide is a viable choice in life.
Personally I think it's an extremely selfish one. However, from a friend's experience, and a personal experience, I completely understand how one comes to this conclusion. It's not a heat of the moment decision. It's probably the most rational thought you'll ever have.
Why, how, when, do you write a letter explaining yourself? It's a thought out plan.
I've suffered from mental illness in my family my whole life, and have had bouts of deep depression myself. Only once did I ever humour the idea. It was after my Mum passed and I was not mentally healthy. I clearly remember sitting on the couch after drinking myself into a stoop, to numb any, and all feelings from the grief I was dealing with; that I sat there will a bottle of wine, and a bottle of sleeping pills, just staring at the combo in what seemed forever. Knowing just how easy it would be to end the pain. As drunk as I was, knowing what just one pill would do to me with that amount of alcohol in my system, what a whole bottle of sleeping pills would take me to a very peaceful place. You can almost will yourself to accept defeat and commit the heinous act.
Having that one foot over the line, knowing I would never intentionally do it, though had a very clear understanding how one gets there. I shared all this with my shrink, who surprisingly did not put me on suicide watch or stop prescribing me medication. But upped the amount of visits I saw her in a week.
This past week, I've revisited that place in my head. Stuck in a funk of loneliness and small amounts of other hells resurfacing has me thinking about "what if".
The part that pisses me off and enviably stops me from moving forward is how long would it take for anyone to notice I was gone? Not active on fb, twitter, emails or phone calls. I estimate roughly 6 weeks. Would anyone really care? Or would they say they saw it coming? Nice eh?
The roommate is gone for that long, so no one would notice until my rent stopped clearing my account, or my employer followed up as to why I'm not coming to work. My phone doesn't having enough incoming calls for anyone to realize that way. I think it would be when the selfish one way relationships in my life started noticing I'm not calling anymore would finally get twinge of concern.
Well, we don't have to worry about any of that, cos I'm not committing suicide. Came to the conclusion, I only have a handful of real friends. And a shit load of acquaintances. Not the same.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being the glue for a few circles in my life. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of taking care of others and all their demons. I'd like for once, just once, someone to take care of me. I don't want any of my relationships to be all about them and their lives, their friends. It needs to mutual. As much as I'd like to think my circles are, they're not.
I'm feeling a little woes is me the last couple days. Tired of walking around on eggshells in my own apartment to humour the mood swings of my roommate. I'm tired of temping and would love to have this job turn permanent so I could get some benefits and better pay. I would love for the people in my life I make a priority, to make me one, and stop pushing me back burner, cos they know I'm flexible that way, although it's turned me into a door mat and a pushover.
It's Saturday and I think I've called every single person in my phone books to do something. Not only could I not reach anyone, no one has been respectful enough to return a call or text, even though I've seen them on fb, twitter and all other media networks. In short. I'm not feeling the love, or loved.
So why move forward? Why go to work to make living to live a lonely existence?
It's just a funk. But it's a deep one.
I do have a blossoming relationship happening, and sadly, that's all that is keeping me afloat right now. Bothers me that I can't stay afloat myself, for myself.
Needless to say, maybe seeking professional help again may not be a bad idea at this time.
....now back to your regular programmed schedule.
Personally I think it's an extremely selfish one. However, from a friend's experience, and a personal experience, I completely understand how one comes to this conclusion. It's not a heat of the moment decision. It's probably the most rational thought you'll ever have.
Why, how, when, do you write a letter explaining yourself? It's a thought out plan.
I've suffered from mental illness in my family my whole life, and have had bouts of deep depression myself. Only once did I ever humour the idea. It was after my Mum passed and I was not mentally healthy. I clearly remember sitting on the couch after drinking myself into a stoop, to numb any, and all feelings from the grief I was dealing with; that I sat there will a bottle of wine, and a bottle of sleeping pills, just staring at the combo in what seemed forever. Knowing just how easy it would be to end the pain. As drunk as I was, knowing what just one pill would do to me with that amount of alcohol in my system, what a whole bottle of sleeping pills would take me to a very peaceful place. You can almost will yourself to accept defeat and commit the heinous act.
Having that one foot over the line, knowing I would never intentionally do it, though had a very clear understanding how one gets there. I shared all this with my shrink, who surprisingly did not put me on suicide watch or stop prescribing me medication. But upped the amount of visits I saw her in a week.
This past week, I've revisited that place in my head. Stuck in a funk of loneliness and small amounts of other hells resurfacing has me thinking about "what if".
The part that pisses me off and enviably stops me from moving forward is how long would it take for anyone to notice I was gone? Not active on fb, twitter, emails or phone calls. I estimate roughly 6 weeks. Would anyone really care? Or would they say they saw it coming? Nice eh?
The roommate is gone for that long, so no one would notice until my rent stopped clearing my account, or my employer followed up as to why I'm not coming to work. My phone doesn't having enough incoming calls for anyone to realize that way. I think it would be when the selfish one way relationships in my life started noticing I'm not calling anymore would finally get twinge of concern.
Well, we don't have to worry about any of that, cos I'm not committing suicide. Came to the conclusion, I only have a handful of real friends. And a shit load of acquaintances. Not the same.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being the glue for a few circles in my life. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of taking care of others and all their demons. I'd like for once, just once, someone to take care of me. I don't want any of my relationships to be all about them and their lives, their friends. It needs to mutual. As much as I'd like to think my circles are, they're not.
I'm feeling a little woes is me the last couple days. Tired of walking around on eggshells in my own apartment to humour the mood swings of my roommate. I'm tired of temping and would love to have this job turn permanent so I could get some benefits and better pay. I would love for the people in my life I make a priority, to make me one, and stop pushing me back burner, cos they know I'm flexible that way, although it's turned me into a door mat and a pushover.
It's Saturday and I think I've called every single person in my phone books to do something. Not only could I not reach anyone, no one has been respectful enough to return a call or text, even though I've seen them on fb, twitter and all other media networks. In short. I'm not feeling the love, or loved.
So why move forward? Why go to work to make living to live a lonely existence?
It's just a funk. But it's a deep one.
I do have a blossoming relationship happening, and sadly, that's all that is keeping me afloat right now. Bothers me that I can't stay afloat myself, for myself.
Needless to say, maybe seeking professional help again may not be a bad idea at this time.
....now back to your regular programmed schedule.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Feeling Torn
How can I possibly be torn over the fact he chose the wrong woman to marry, even knowing he's never be faithful and won't been. I tell myself better her than me, and yet I still find myself pouting a little that I didn't have what it took for him to choose me for life. How fucked up is that? It doesn't help the recent cluster of exchange of messages of how much we're going to miss each other etc, and all the sweet loving things people who care about each other say to one another.
I'm in a funk today. Flattered, he'd call me during and after his bachelor party, and yet still feel like it was some sort of dig at the same time. He chose the wrong woman, and I told him so. Closure? Pathetic?
The part that doesn't make me any better than him... I too am dating someone. Too soon to write about the details here, cos I don't want to jinx it. Make it known that I have the green light from all my girlfriends he dated before me. Even though it was many years ago, once you've dated my friends, you're off limits, forever. Funny enough, they are my biggest cheerleaders about the whole thing. LC even saying she'll be hugely surprised if this doesn't work out. Weird. My Mum also had a sweet spot for this person when we were younger. My Aunt, is already planning my wedding. (slow down) Funny how things turn out.
While people around me have been moving forward with their lives, I've been holding onto any, and all of my past, since my parents passed away. Result, I've missed out on a lot of life.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. Hopefully this too shall pass.
I'm in a funk today. Flattered, he'd call me during and after his bachelor party, and yet still feel like it was some sort of dig at the same time. He chose the wrong woman, and I told him so. Closure? Pathetic?
The part that doesn't make me any better than him... I too am dating someone. Too soon to write about the details here, cos I don't want to jinx it. Make it known that I have the green light from all my girlfriends he dated before me. Even though it was many years ago, once you've dated my friends, you're off limits, forever. Funny enough, they are my biggest cheerleaders about the whole thing. LC even saying she'll be hugely surprised if this doesn't work out. Weird. My Mum also had a sweet spot for this person when we were younger. My Aunt, is already planning my wedding. (slow down) Funny how things turn out.
While people around me have been moving forward with their lives, I've been holding onto any, and all of my past, since my parents passed away. Result, I've missed out on a lot of life.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. Hopefully this too shall pass.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Checking In.
I'm still alive. just entirely too tired to do any blogging. Which is a shame cos I have blogging food!
I read all of you still when I'm trying to quiet my mind from the choas of my new work days.
Drop me a smile, say Hi. :)
I'll update soon...ish.
xo
I read all of you still when I'm trying to quiet my mind from the choas of my new work days.
Drop me a smile, say Hi. :)
I'll update soon...ish.
xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)