.... Is a great movie if you haven't seen it!
I could relate to this movie on so many levels as mental illness runs in my family, and I live with someone who lives with it. It was like watching my home life growing up with my siblings on the screen.
It is a very accurate portrait of what someone with a mental illness goes through on a hourly, day to day basis. If you've seen it, you have a seriously accurate insight of what it's like living with my roommate, who is bi-polar and doesn't medicate. The lack of filter, the random manics episodes, those heat of the moment of lashing out, as they're in the feeling they're having 100%. Multiple conversations in their head trying to escape, and yet we're all supposed to know what is going on, what they're talking about etc. It's like they have to release it, then they can calm down.
We watched this movie together, and laughed. Cos we both knew that Bradley Cooper & Jennifer Lawrence characters were spot on. SPOT ON!
This movie is simple, but wonderfully done. It deserves all the Grammies it's being nominated for.
Do yourself a favour, go see it.
Saturday, 19 January 2013
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Kiss Off
Well, I've written a harsh email to my Aunt. Actually my Mum's bestfriend.
We had a spat a few months ago. I stood my ground and up against her. Instead of her apologizing for what she did. She resorted to calling me childish, mean and hurtful. Ignoring the fact the actions that resulted in me standing up to her were mean, hurtful, and extremely inconsiderate.
In the letter, in short, I called her out. If she's waiting for me to apologize to her for something SHE did, then it will be a long wait. Cos it will never happen. It has in the past, which is messed up all on it's own.
You can not preach to people about morals, doing right from wrong, stare down your nose at people for not holding themselves to a higher standard, when you don't practice it yourself, then you shit all over them when they do hold themselves to a higher standard etc.
I'm tired. I'm 40 damn it. I can say, feel, what I want.
That's all I have to say about that.
Dating:
Sigh. I'm standing up for myself there too. It's a rough go, and playing the dancing game of getting to know men all over again is exhausting. Now that I have nothing to lose, I'm implementing all the wisdom I've received here from the blog-o-sphere family, and from friends alike.
Letting men be men, and not letting people treat me like I don't matter, or too casually when that's not what I'm looking for, well.... it's a delicate dance. I'm learning to have some skillful tact. WHO KNEW?
In short, it's weeding out the people I shouldn't have in my life much faster. Not dating or settling for a certain behaviour cos it's what I've been use too in the past. It's hard. It's lonely.
At least I can respect myself. Baby steps.
Work:
Love my job. It's mindless, and exhausting. I love the people and a company that practices what it preaches. :)
Home life:
It's still a roller coaster, then again, I've applied certain tact to dealing with the mood swings of said roommate. It's a balancing act.
I think that is all I have at the moment.
We had a spat a few months ago. I stood my ground and up against her. Instead of her apologizing for what she did. She resorted to calling me childish, mean and hurtful. Ignoring the fact the actions that resulted in me standing up to her were mean, hurtful, and extremely inconsiderate.
In the letter, in short, I called her out. If she's waiting for me to apologize to her for something SHE did, then it will be a long wait. Cos it will never happen. It has in the past, which is messed up all on it's own.
You can not preach to people about morals, doing right from wrong, stare down your nose at people for not holding themselves to a higher standard, when you don't practice it yourself, then you shit all over them when they do hold themselves to a higher standard etc.
I'm tired. I'm 40 damn it. I can say, feel, what I want.
That's all I have to say about that.
Dating:
Sigh. I'm standing up for myself there too. It's a rough go, and playing the dancing game of getting to know men all over again is exhausting. Now that I have nothing to lose, I'm implementing all the wisdom I've received here from the blog-o-sphere family, and from friends alike.
Letting men be men, and not letting people treat me like I don't matter, or too casually when that's not what I'm looking for, well.... it's a delicate dance. I'm learning to have some skillful tact. WHO KNEW?
In short, it's weeding out the people I shouldn't have in my life much faster. Not dating or settling for a certain behaviour cos it's what I've been use too in the past. It's hard. It's lonely.
At least I can respect myself. Baby steps.
Work:
Love my job. It's mindless, and exhausting. I love the people and a company that practices what it preaches. :)
Home life:
It's still a roller coaster, then again, I've applied certain tact to dealing with the mood swings of said roommate. It's a balancing act.
I think that is all I have at the moment.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Trusting in the Process.. is hard
I'm great at relationships, bad at dating.
I've felt more rejection from so many different realms of my life right now, I don't even want to get out of bed lately.
I'm trying to trust in the process of actually dating, and trusting people in general. It's not easy. I'm entirely too smart for my own good. Hard to shut my mouth when I know someone is lying to me on any level. How can so many people be okay with that, and just roll with it?
I can't roll with it, when trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth, and getting two word replies in response. How can you trust in people on any level when their words say one thing, their actions another?
I've looked at myself, changed myself, been myself and still, people seem to think I can be walked on, ignored, and lied too. The only I can do is walk away from those who don't make me happy, or haven't left me in a good mood after talking to them or hanging out. If I'm meh, miserable, or annoyed more often than not after spending time, or talking to these people, then I walk away. Right thing to do right?
Apparently not. I'm not being told to just, "roll with it". What?
After harping on me to have more self respect for myself etc, and not be a door mat, you're now essentially telling me to be a door mat, by rolling with it.
At this rate, I'm going to be alone for the shear fact I'm starting to look like a lunatic.
However, I deleted some people a bit ago from several social media venues. People who were not bringing anything positive into my life, yet causing trouble, for fun. What a difference it's made. Not having those people in my life, prying on what I'm doing, who I'm talking too, and reporting it back to others, cos they have nothing better to do with their own lives.. I am rebuilding some relationships that I thought were best left alone. Although with those few vital people gone from my life, not keeping tabs, we're building a new rapport. It's a start.
Feeling blah. Christmas season is hard enough on it's own, without the added stress of new family drama's and mental illnesses. It's exhausting. I'm slowly bouncing back from the season, though being met with people who don't like me cos I've decided to love myself and respect myself first. It's a roller coaster ride to say the least.
At this age, you'd think shit just settles down. It doesn't. It's the same shit, different pile with more money and better clothes and cars.
That is all for now.
I've felt more rejection from so many different realms of my life right now, I don't even want to get out of bed lately.
I'm trying to trust in the process of actually dating, and trusting people in general. It's not easy. I'm entirely too smart for my own good. Hard to shut my mouth when I know someone is lying to me on any level. How can so many people be okay with that, and just roll with it?
I can't roll with it, when trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth, and getting two word replies in response. How can you trust in people on any level when their words say one thing, their actions another?
I've looked at myself, changed myself, been myself and still, people seem to think I can be walked on, ignored, and lied too. The only I can do is walk away from those who don't make me happy, or haven't left me in a good mood after talking to them or hanging out. If I'm meh, miserable, or annoyed more often than not after spending time, or talking to these people, then I walk away. Right thing to do right?
Apparently not. I'm not being told to just, "roll with it". What?
After harping on me to have more self respect for myself etc, and not be a door mat, you're now essentially telling me to be a door mat, by rolling with it.
At this rate, I'm going to be alone for the shear fact I'm starting to look like a lunatic.
However, I deleted some people a bit ago from several social media venues. People who were not bringing anything positive into my life, yet causing trouble, for fun. What a difference it's made. Not having those people in my life, prying on what I'm doing, who I'm talking too, and reporting it back to others, cos they have nothing better to do with their own lives.. I am rebuilding some relationships that I thought were best left alone. Although with those few vital people gone from my life, not keeping tabs, we're building a new rapport. It's a start.
Feeling blah. Christmas season is hard enough on it's own, without the added stress of new family drama's and mental illnesses. It's exhausting. I'm slowly bouncing back from the season, though being met with people who don't like me cos I've decided to love myself and respect myself first. It's a roller coaster ride to say the least.
At this age, you'd think shit just settles down. It doesn't. It's the same shit, different pile with more money and better clothes and cars.
That is all for now.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve.
I entered the dating scene again after taking some time off. Changed my strategy, who I talked too, what we did on dates etc. It all seemed to be working out well, until I found myself smitten.
I have crushes all the time. But to be smitten? It's a whole other ball game. Instant connection. Tones in common. We both felt like we'd known each other forever. It was that comfortable from our first date.
Long story short. It didn't work out. He said all the right things, some seemingly sincere, others, what he thought I needed to hear. In the end, his actions and mixed signals did not match up with his words. Essentially, turning me into a lunatic.
It's been a week since our last date, which btw, was great. Made plans for this weekend..... it's been 6 days since I've spoken, texted, or had any kind of contact with him, in any media. Sooooooooo, being too smart for my own good, I looked up his dating profile, it's still inactive. Hmmmm... He's not answering my calls, but he answered a call from my blocked landline. Ouch. I didn't say anything, hung up, and deleted him from my life.
Is that how men break up with girls these days? Just ignore them?
I'm crushed. I put myself out there 100%, putting trust into the whole process of not over thinking things to death, just rolling with it. Letting a great date be great, and a great kiss be a great kiss etc. Feeling the moment, rather than over thinking it, plotting it's end before it's even begun.
And where did it get me? Hurt. It's been a long time since I've liked someone this much, so quickly. The last 3 times I like this, all 3 ended up in long term relationships.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while some would say; "don't", I can't change how I feel when I feel it. I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a few days, then forget about it. Can't move on til I can think about him without crying. Ya, I cried, hard.
It seems to be all I do these days. For no reason, for all reasons, for roommate reasons, for people letting me down, for not loving myself more etc.. so many things, and nothing at the same time. I cry. Could be that time of year. Christmas is always hard.
I had to force myself to go to the company Christmas party, putting a smile on my face, and I tell ya.... I've got to get a new poker face. People can just tell I'm faking it. Thankfully the women I work with are not the type to pry. They just rub your arm, say something pretty, smile like they understand, words aren't needed.
I went to a friends family function tonight, where she notified them all of my boy trouble before I got there. Normally, I'd be pissed, but I've known these mutual friends for decades, having my own rapport with them, it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me, even when I don't get to see them that often, they just care. No one made a big deal out of it, just letting me sit quietly enjoying the night without the pressures of having to be super social. I'm usually the life of the party with this particular group, they've come to expect it of me. This time, they entertained me. As well as their kids, who as loud as they can be, were fun. One crawled onto my lap and just snuggled into me. She's all of 4 yrs old, I looked at her Dad, to take her away cos I was about to lose my composure. But the snuggle was what I needed for the brief moment it was before I had to excuse myself.
Those of you who read me here over the years, know I do not like to lose any kind of composure.
It's yet another funk. I"m sure I'll bounce back. Silver lining being; I'm now 100% sure I'm ready for another relationship. Not sure how I'll go about meeting someone, or if I'll change anything about the I do things, but I'm open to it. I just have to bubble wrap my heart from being crushed too badly, or too often.
I have crushes all the time. But to be smitten? It's a whole other ball game. Instant connection. Tones in common. We both felt like we'd known each other forever. It was that comfortable from our first date.
Long story short. It didn't work out. He said all the right things, some seemingly sincere, others, what he thought I needed to hear. In the end, his actions and mixed signals did not match up with his words. Essentially, turning me into a lunatic.
It's been a week since our last date, which btw, was great. Made plans for this weekend..... it's been 6 days since I've spoken, texted, or had any kind of contact with him, in any media. Sooooooooo, being too smart for my own good, I looked up his dating profile, it's still inactive. Hmmmm... He's not answering my calls, but he answered a call from my blocked landline. Ouch. I didn't say anything, hung up, and deleted him from my life.
Is that how men break up with girls these days? Just ignore them?
I'm crushed. I put myself out there 100%, putting trust into the whole process of not over thinking things to death, just rolling with it. Letting a great date be great, and a great kiss be a great kiss etc. Feeling the moment, rather than over thinking it, plotting it's end before it's even begun.
And where did it get me? Hurt. It's been a long time since I've liked someone this much, so quickly. The last 3 times I like this, all 3 ended up in long term relationships.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while some would say; "don't", I can't change how I feel when I feel it. I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a few days, then forget about it. Can't move on til I can think about him without crying. Ya, I cried, hard.
It seems to be all I do these days. For no reason, for all reasons, for roommate reasons, for people letting me down, for not loving myself more etc.. so many things, and nothing at the same time. I cry. Could be that time of year. Christmas is always hard.
I had to force myself to go to the company Christmas party, putting a smile on my face, and I tell ya.... I've got to get a new poker face. People can just tell I'm faking it. Thankfully the women I work with are not the type to pry. They just rub your arm, say something pretty, smile like they understand, words aren't needed.
I went to a friends family function tonight, where she notified them all of my boy trouble before I got there. Normally, I'd be pissed, but I've known these mutual friends for decades, having my own rapport with them, it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me, even when I don't get to see them that often, they just care. No one made a big deal out of it, just letting me sit quietly enjoying the night without the pressures of having to be super social. I'm usually the life of the party with this particular group, they've come to expect it of me. This time, they entertained me. As well as their kids, who as loud as they can be, were fun. One crawled onto my lap and just snuggled into me. She's all of 4 yrs old, I looked at her Dad, to take her away cos I was about to lose my composure. But the snuggle was what I needed for the brief moment it was before I had to excuse myself.
Those of you who read me here over the years, know I do not like to lose any kind of composure.
It's yet another funk. I"m sure I'll bounce back. Silver lining being; I'm now 100% sure I'm ready for another relationship. Not sure how I'll go about meeting someone, or if I'll change anything about the I do things, but I'm open to it. I just have to bubble wrap my heart from being crushed too badly, or too often.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
The Back-Up Boyfriend is 100% out.
Lately, we've been going at it from a different angle. One I suggested from the start.
"Get to re-know, re-learn, about each other. Build a romantic rapport".
I know a lot of guys seem to think sleeping together first, THEN, getting to know each other is the way etc. It's just backwards, and I've never fallen for it, unless of course I'm in it just for the sex.
We've been getting to know each other again, right down to the important things, like past relationships, sexual health, thoughts on ex's etc.
Turns out, he is not someone I can date casually or exclusively. We have mutual friends. One of which I dated for many years back in high school. He knows we're still friends, and we get together for dinner when he's in town. Suddenly, if we're to be exclusive, he has an issue with that. Um, what? Ya. He strongly worded that he would have an issue with me remaining friends with this ex.
I couldn't help but laugh really. I made it clear that no man would ever tell me who I couldn't be friends with, on any level. Then what? What I wear, who I hang out with? If he had an issue with it, those were his. A boyfriend of mine would have to trust me to be faithful. Regardless what the intentions of the other person are.
He doesn't believe ex's can be friends. I do. He made his points, while valid to some degree, I made mine, and decided we couldn't compromise. He refuse to see my points as valid, and frankly was quiet condescending.
We didn't have to have the discussion about not dating when he dropped me off, when I declined his own invite to come up to my apartment.
There will be no more chances. No more humouring the idea of us dating. Whilst he's entitled to his opinion of dating etc, I'm entitled to mine.
In addition, I've also declined all other offers of dating, hooking up, on any level with, that are on the table.
You have to bring more to the table than sexual advances. If you're not walking the walk you present, I simply won't be bothered.
"Get to re-know, re-learn, about each other. Build a romantic rapport".
I know a lot of guys seem to think sleeping together first, THEN, getting to know each other is the way etc. It's just backwards, and I've never fallen for it, unless of course I'm in it just for the sex.
We've been getting to know each other again, right down to the important things, like past relationships, sexual health, thoughts on ex's etc.
Turns out, he is not someone I can date casually or exclusively. We have mutual friends. One of which I dated for many years back in high school. He knows we're still friends, and we get together for dinner when he's in town. Suddenly, if we're to be exclusive, he has an issue with that. Um, what? Ya. He strongly worded that he would have an issue with me remaining friends with this ex.
I couldn't help but laugh really. I made it clear that no man would ever tell me who I couldn't be friends with, on any level. Then what? What I wear, who I hang out with? If he had an issue with it, those were his. A boyfriend of mine would have to trust me to be faithful. Regardless what the intentions of the other person are.
He doesn't believe ex's can be friends. I do. He made his points, while valid to some degree, I made mine, and decided we couldn't compromise. He refuse to see my points as valid, and frankly was quiet condescending.
We didn't have to have the discussion about not dating when he dropped me off, when I declined his own invite to come up to my apartment.
There will be no more chances. No more humouring the idea of us dating. Whilst he's entitled to his opinion of dating etc, I'm entitled to mine.
In addition, I've also declined all other offers of dating, hooking up, on any level with, that are on the table.
You have to bring more to the table than sexual advances. If you're not walking the walk you present, I simply won't be bothered.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)