I'm So Deflated.

I'm over it. Over men.
Just going to focus on myself for the next little while.

If the men in my life; actions don't match their words, well they're just no longer men in my life.

I can't even humour the idea of dating anyone right now.

This last one just took the last ounce of energy reserve

it takes to commit to a relationship.

I'm spent.

Love Without Fear

Loving without fear. It's a statement I read on a blog here in blog-sphere-land.
It's always stuck with me. Not completely understanding what it meant, or how to do it.

I thought I'd figured it out a few times, but alas, it was just forced, from behind a jilted wall of guarding ones heart. Mine.

Back in late October, what I thought to be true for the last 14 years with an on/off again relationship with the Douche, had been royally rocked to the core. Shattered actually. With that, it made me question everything I ever thought to be true. Ever. With anyone. Ever.

I had come to the conclusion I could no longer trust men. Not a surprise, that's always been an issue for me. Although, this was much, much, much deeper. To the point of not being able to trust myself. My own instincts. My own inside voice. My own heart.

Haven't sat back and tried to reflect on it. Just been content in that I have no bullshit radar, no intuition, no voice in my head, or gut that raises the red flags that keep most of safe from harm. It wasn't even defected. It just cease to exist.

Early November, kind of numb from all I'd recently learned. I met someone. A man from day one, I knew there was something so special about him. I wanted to be with him. It's 4 months later, and it hasn't been a smooth go of things. Most of that is all me. Some things are him, but there are minor in the grand scheme of things.

4 months in, I've had enough. Not in a hissy fit throwing kind of way. I decided to man-up, and be direct. Honest. Vulnerable.  Instead of asking him where we stand, I approached him from the angle of just telling him how I felt about him. How I have been feeling, and what I'd like to see develop between us. Said without accusing, demanding, or fear. I prepared for a negative response, and made sure I was okay with whatever the outcome was going to be. I had to be okay with it. 

I had decided I couldn't move forward in this relationship anymore without knowing we want the same things. In the past, I would normally would have just given more affection, in hoping it would change the results, and get the guy to like me more in return. Not this time. I wasn't putting in more to get nothing in return.

I loved (well smitten) without fear. Put it right out there.
He responded kindly. Although it wasn't what I wanted to hear, he didn't tell me things just to keep me happy. We want the same things. But we're both coming from jilted places, and with that, it could lead to being unhealthy.  We're slowing things down. Taking the pressure off of having to figure it all out right now. 

"Right now". Too vague. Normally I would assume that meant it was being left open for a possibility later for things to develop deeper. This time I asked directly what that meant. Leaving no room for assumptions, or error.  I wasn't even scared in what he had to say on the matter. I had to know for my own sake. He gave me his reasons, although I thought there were weak, I decided to trust him in his word.  

If that results with me ending up hurt. Okay. At least I tackled it from a healthier mind set. I figured it out. How to love without fear.  Well attempting too.
Baby Steps.

passport day

Arrived at the passport office 29 mins ago. Its 1040am.

If I'm out before a late lunch comes I'll be surprised. Only 9 ppl ahead of me.

FART- My Valentines Poem To You

Fart.

A fart is a chemical stubstance

It comes from a place called "bum"

It penetrates the trousers

And lands in a musical "hum"

To fart to fart is no disgrace

For it gives the body ease

It warms the blankets on cold winter nights

And suffocates all the flees!

                                                       ~Madonna.

Happy V-D!

xo





Dating Failure.

I've been sick this past week, with not much energy to do anything other than nap, watch tv, force some food into my gullet, and more napping.
It's been a weekend of love chick flicks. 

I thought I was feeling better this morning as I read over blogs I've missed, morning coffee, wondering if the coldness in my chest is ever to give way to health. I just noticed I've been watching some behind the scene show about Shawn Desmond and I realized I should probably go shoot myself now for not realizing sooner and changing the channel. Yup still sick. And so thankful for the extra day off, BC Family Day Holiday.

Single & Picky wrote a entry recently that resonated with me. I've been dating someone since November, and whilst I'm waaaay more invested in this relationship, I can't shake free of the mix signals he sends. He's got me so wrapped around his finger, and doesn't even know it. He says all the right things, but his actions, scream something completely opposite. This is not my first at the rodeo. I know when a guy is no longer interested. And we've had those moments of clarity. Then he says something that makes my heart swoon, and we're back where we began.

I was convinced, maybe still am that he has a gf. Even though when asked out right, he swears he's single, and that I'm the only person he's dating/sleeping with.
Yet he's not only unavailable on the weekends, he's completely unreachable. Every weekend since Xmas break. I'm sorry but in my books, weekends are meant to be spent with people in your life you like etc. I've brought this up, and he gets quiet defensive, that he's just at home relaxing doing nothing, and that I could put a camera in his apt or keep tabs on him. First of all that's creepy, but I laughed, cos well, I could make that happen. lol

I pull away, and he's attentive. It's a roller coaster.  In the last month or so, we've been discussing birth control options. He knows how I feel about having unprotected sex. None without an exclusive relationship. Period. It's not negotiable. As I feel it's the most intimate thing two people can do together. He brought it up again more recently, so I did my research, and came to a solution for us. Advised him of the option I'd come up with, mentioning that he's have to pay for half, and come with me to the appointment, should we agree to do this. Said he'd think about it. Seemingly excited about being able to take our sexual escapades a step further.

That was two weeks ago this coming Wednesday. Haven't heard from him. No replies to text messages or calls. Guess I have my answer.  Not to mention I'm pretty pissed about the whole unavailable weekend thing. So I'm taking the birth control option off the table all together.

Had this been with anyone else, this shit would have been put to bed months ago. But there is something I see in him, that I like, a lot. A LOT. A LOT!

I see boyfriend material in him. I just don't think he sees the same in me. Words vs actions. Make them match. It shouldn't be this hard. That being said, I think he's worth fighting for, however, in the same breath, how much of this roller coaster and type of rejection can I take.

I've been starving for male affection, and whilst I'm dating someone I'd like to be exclusive with, my needs are not being met. Me being impatient, needy or he's just not that into me.

I recently ran into the Douche. Haven't talked to him in some time. There was a hug so tight, so secure, no words could articulate all the things that were being said with that hug. In that short few minutes, he managed to fulfill something I needed from the man in my life that I'm not getting. A sense of security, belonging, love.

I know while writing this, you're all shaking your head, saying "can't you see what we see? He's not in it with you". I do. I see it. I know it. I don't want to to know it, but I do.

The part of me that is truly hanging on, is the part of me that is afraid to be alone. How long will it be before I meet someone who makes my stomach jump, and makes me do little idiot dances of joy when he calls me, or sends a sweet little text. 

Hold on for the wrong reasons, or let go and be a 40 yr old lonely loser?