.... AND I'M BACK!!

I'm back. I've been trying not to blog in the last little while, while regaining my marbles.

All marbles are safely back in the jar, and no longer rolling around. There is a clarity present that's been absent for a bit. I don't know that the content of this blog is going to change or not, however first, I have to get some bullshit off my chest.

When we were younger, how come parents, role models didn't tell us that the bullshit is the same as you get older, although you'll have much much less patience for it. Well.. Patience has never been my strong suit. I have it. I can deploy it when required. Though it does take constant practice.

Respect for myself has been found. Better believe I'm holding onto it tightly this time.
I've found in the past year, it's been a stepping stone to better things. Sort of just woke up in the past couple weeks, deciding, fuck it. Enough of what other people want, whine about, and allowing them to make me an option, when I made them a priority,. Fuck it. Fuck them.

I'm making myself the fucking priority! You either fit into the life I want, that I'm currently building for myself, or you don't. If ya don't, I'm not longer making excusing, and trying to fit you into a part of my life, cos I like you for one reason or another. How far do I have to go to make room for people, or try to fit into theirs, only to consistently be disappointed? Only to forgive too quickly when they return saying all the right things, though not producing actions to go along with those words.

I don't know where I found this strength. Found me again. But I love it. I love me! Finally!

The following is the kind of stuff I've decided to let go of.

Whats the saying, imitation if the kindness form of flattery? Is it? Cos one or two things, it is.. when it's allllll the time, it's simply fucking annoying. Especially when that person, then looks down at you, like it was their idea all along..... how? When I had all those things first.
 Nose pierced, affair with a younger man, a married man, daring hair colours, even my employment.

**I got braces in my late teens. When people started complimenting my smile, she got them too.
**I worked at a title search office, she tried to get the same job at a competitor's company.
No one would hire her. She tried to get into real estate. Failed.
**I worked at a gym. She thought she was one upping me, and became a personal trainer.. who btw failed at keeping clients.
**I worked at a fashion house, she went into modelling.
**Even now. I'm a part of the health and safety committee at work, and part of that is obtaining the COR certificate for the company. She went and became the safety audit coordinator at her job. (she does the audits for the COR). Granted she works in a different industry, but not the point.
**Interest in one particular man. I dated him last year for a short stint. Afterwards she was defensive about not giving it more of a chance. I advised her, the details why it did not work out, however, she was more than welcome to go out with him.

She didn't, instead, with no notice, booked, paid for a trip and left three days later, to the country where he is currently located. Her young adult child didn't even know where she had gone. Calling around to see if she was in our town for a court date or something. Who picks up and leaves with no notice for 2 weeks, and doesn't tell anyone. Very few pictures were posted, but just enough to prove she was where she said she was. She's been back a few weeks now, and wont discuss her ventures with anyone. Something isn't on the up and up. Who books an exotic vacation after making a big stink about not being able to afford airfare to the our town an hour away.....???

So, I simply stopped giving a damn. Poof. Gone, no longer consuming my thoughts. She can have her mysterious trip, cos no one no longer gives a damn. (the group of core friends we have.. they're pissed out of concern she went to such a place and didn't inform a single person etc.)

I should be flattered. I'm not. It's like she's competing with me, to be better, but I'm not in the race. I'm too the point, where I'm going to start making up fake goals, and tell her all about them. It's petty, and I will probably just ignore it. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong.

Person number two.
Makes plans, and bails. every time. I've stopped making plans with them, cos they double book, or cancel cos a better offer came up. Not even mad about it. I explained in detail how that makes them look, and it's a shitty thing to do, simply I won't participate anymore. Moved on. Doesn't stop them from messaging me telling me how much they love and/or miss me etc.. yet never do anything about it. Humourous really.

...and men. My favourite topic. hahaha
When I finally woke up, I decided I was no longer going to bend myself into positions to fit into their lives, only to be let down. We've all done it. I've just done it more than most.  I made a list of what makes me happy. Certain sport activities, music, foods, outings etc.  Learned I wasn't doing any of those.

That has changed. I've enrolled in school, signed up for golfing lessons again, joined a gym, planning my Xmas holidays to somewhere warm.. this may or may not happen, as I'm not comfortable travelling alone.
If the men I want in my life don't enjoy at least some of the same things, I won't be trying to fit into his life. I've known this all along, but haven't been applying it. It has to be a mutual fit.

I've been talking to a handful of men this past month. In the past, I would have mistaken their sexual advances as interest. This time around, it's not the case. I advise them that I'm not interested in something casual, and if they wanted to get to know me, to date me, they would have to do so in such a way, that doesn't involve talking about sex right out of the gates.  Important note: you must follow thru with which you say you're looking for. Otherwise they just continue to try.

I recently said to a friend who claims how much of a catch I am etc. blah blah blah.. my response was "everyone wants to fuck me, no one wants to love me"... after he offered to "ease my sadness" with a roll in the hay.

I keep that saying in my head up and front. It's not to say I won't have short term affairs, just as long as all parties are aware, I will be continuing to look for something solid, secure and meaningful with a man who wants more from me, and for me, than just sex.

Well, funny how that makes even the most shallow man pay attention, when they realised you're going to treat them the way they had planned on treating you.

 That's right fucker. You're not using me. I'm using you, and you will be dropped as soon as I find what I'm looking for. OF course I didn't say that, but the point was well received.

.. that's all for now folks. I'll have more to write soon. Baby steps.

Biggest Loser Cookbook - Idiot Proof Start To The New You!!!! Seriously!!

I received this book for christmas. Before you say, "how rude", I asked for a diet cookbook, so relax.
Just spent the morning flagging all the recipes I want to try.

This book is seriously idiot proof. It explains things in a sentence that others will write chapters on, to say the same gawd damn thing.

For example: Many people will ask how much is a "serving". Which is key to weight loss and eating right. How many times have you read chapters, walked away still not know the answer? Answer: A serving of ANY food is 8 oz. or the size of your palm. If you have paws for hands, use your common sense, or buy a kitchen scale, at a kitchen store for $10-$30.

The other thing I found super easy, was the calorie intake YOU should be taking based on your current starting weight. Here is the formula:  Take your current weight, multiply it by 7. That is your starting calorie intake. EASY! For every pound you lose, deduct another 10 calories. AGAIN EASY! That is until you reach your goal weight.  Then maintain.

There are no gadgets. No magical tricks or pills. Eating right, and working out.

Invest in proper workout gear, a swimsuit, and runners. Everything else will be inexpensive.
No gym is really needed. Find a playground with a good selection of monkey bars, balance teir-ter-tarters, rope gyms etc. you can do everything there, that you can at a gym, and it's free!!! Just be sure not to go when its full of kids, otherwise you're going to be that creepy person. Go after 5pm when most kids are at home having dinner and doing their homework.

If a traditional gym works for you, be sure to go, otherwise you're wasting your money.
Try indoor rock climbing,snowshoeing (I just did 10 kms.. killer cardio), yoga, swimming etc.

In addition to the above, I personally will be using a local rec centre near my home. Cost the same as a gym, but has an ice rink, pool, aqua classes, lengths (and lessons available) sauna, hot tub, steam room, gym, personal trainers(extra). I also will be trying my hand at using the driving range again. it's been a few years, and worried about how it will affect my neck injury. Help or hinder? We'll find out soon.

I am currently talking to a girl I went to school with who has always had weight issues, whereas I was an athlete when we knew each other. She recently lost 150 lbs, and has kept the majority of it off.
We discussing workout methods, and sports, and it turns out we like the same things.. hate the gym.

So we're going to be workout buddies. Not always together, but will be holding eachother accountable, motivated, and moving forward with our goals.

I'm not looking forward to the before pictures I'm having my roommate take tonight. We've decided that we'll update those photos every three months. Not sure if I'll post them here or not.. we'll see.
That way I can keep a journal of pictures, older/bigger clothes, so I can see the results. Might post those too at some point. I will be keeping a journal of starting weight, height, workouts, etc. So if I do succeed at this, then it can be beneficial to someone else.

There will be tears. throwing yourself on the floor tears. I have no doubt. I've spoken with friends, who understand that this is not going to be easy. Who will not let me feel sorry for myself, and will keep my motivated. However, also knowing when to just let me have the meltdown, so I can recharge and get back at it.

I've been heavier for 12 years now. I've always owned my weight, dressed for my body type. Now for the first time, I am no longer owning it. I don't love my body, myself. That has to change. I don't want to be the "fat friend with a great personality". The personality will stay, the weight will go!!!

P.S.
I just came back from the grocery store. Picked a few recipes to try this week. Breakfast, lunches, and dinners... what was the cost you ask? With not a single processed food in the group. (except for the plain low fat yogurt), the cost with tax was $70.26 for the week!!! not bad I'd say.
*Stuff mushrooms
*Chicken curry Pitas
*Breakfast Smoothies
*Califlower/Brocoli cheese thingy
*Mac & Cheese - yup it's in the book!!!
Those are the ones I'm starting with for the week.

2013 In Review.

2013 was a doozie!

It was a year of past ex-boyfriends, new love, family and friend disappointments, and growth. Lots of growth.

I've grown, as we all have. Thankfully, the lessons are being learned a shit load faster, than not. 

I learned horrible things about my ex #1. After having the meltdown of all epic meltdowns.. I picked myself up, got mad, and say goodbye to him forever. 

Ex #2. My first boyfriend. Long story short, we had an emotional affair via skype, text, and phone. It was something we were both well aware was wrong. He's married. Not 100% happily. However, I don't condone what we did, but in the end, we were caught by his wife. 

After speaking with her, apologizing, trying to convince her, that yes it was wrong, it was important that she believe it was never my intention to have him leave her. Ever. That wasn't the point of the type of affair we were having.  Granted an emotional affair is almost worse than a physical one. Cos your heart is in it. Not just your body. 

We were both lonely, missing something from our current relationships. We agreed to never see each other in person. We decided that very early on, that if we did, it would take this affair to another level. We didn't want that. Understandably so, she has many things to say, she was hurt, upset, devastated that a marriage she thought was perfect, indeed wasn't. In the end we decided to have a convo with the wife present. Letting her know we had agreed to end our friendship of 25 years, so they could preserve the remainder of their marriage. Whether or not she believed us, I'll never know. Deleted all forms of contact with this ex.   

I fell in love this past year. Fell hard. Probably the hardest I'd ever fallen. I became a fucking wingnut. Although it was also the first time I had been raw, vulnerable, and the most honest I'd ever been with someone else, or myself. In the end, it didn't work out, and it's been a hard pill to swallow. Alas, at the same time, I learned so much about myself. Learned to be myself.  I have needs and wants for a healthy relationship too. Sadly such an amazing man, didn't see the same future I saw for us. Therefore having to amicably end our relationship. Now, we're trying to be friends. Which I would love, though I don't believe that will work out. I think it's more of a slower way to let go of someone without hating them.

I've learned not to sink to the level of the energy vampires at work. There are a few of them. I've decided to kill them with cheerfulness! Not kindness. Kindness is something energy vampires see as a weakness, an easy target. Cheerfulness is like poison to them. 

So far so good it's working, but not without the outloud snide comments in your direction, whilst trying to obtain people to side with them, and then the down right dirty looks. I just smile at them, and thank myself in my head for the strength not to walk up and punch them in the neck.  Grateful to recognise these vampires earlier on, and to rid of them. Look at them as free entertainment.

People can only take advantage of you in gossip, backstabbing, snide rude comments, and lack of respect, if you let them! I hear the comments, and simply don't care, cos they do not matter to me. They are not friends, or people I confide in, or spend time with at, or outside of work. 

I've learned patience. Learned that I do not have to say everything that is on my mind. I know I'm not afraid of confrontation. In short, I'm learning to pick my battles. This applies to work, friends, the roommate, etc. 

I guess I'm more at peace with myself, than I have been in a long time. I own my mistakes, and things that make me unhappy. Accept it, or change it. 

There is my 2013 in review. Sorry it's not horribly exciting. 

 

Why Do We Try So Hard?

Okay maybe you don't. I do. It's a character flaw of mine, I would say. I see the good in most people.

Today I let two people in my life go. I've given them every chance to step up and have their words match their actions. Yet, I'm left disappointed.

What pissed me off the most, is BOTH of them tried to turn it around on me. Which really made me laugh, and confirmed I was making the correct decision to discard them from my life. When I consider someone a friend, not an acquaintance, I put it all in. Occasionally, that's not appreciated. In return, I wasn't even met with the utmost common courtsey and respect.

I made the decision that I was making efforts with people who didn't respect or care. I made it clear to both of them as to why I was essentially breaking up with them as friends.... I owed them that, cos even though they didn't care enough about me to treat me right, I'm not going to stop being me.

I was met with excuses. Lots of excused, and even some lies. The same ones I'd been met with in the past by them. It was predictable. Laughable really, and sadly still disappointing.

I feel relieved.

Love Stinks

I wished for you. And you came true. 

The only thing I forgot to wish for, was that you'd love me back. 

.......Lesson learned.