.... AND I'M BACK!!

I'm back. I've been trying not to blog in the last little while, while regaining my marbles.

All marbles are safely back in the jar, and no longer rolling around. There is a clarity present that's been absent for a bit. I don't know that the content of this blog is going to change or not, however first, I have to get some bullshit off my chest.

When we were younger, how come parents, role models didn't tell us that the bullshit is the same as you get older, although you'll have much much less patience for it. Well.. Patience has never been my strong suit. I have it. I can deploy it when required. Though it does take constant practice.

Respect for myself has been found. Better believe I'm holding onto it tightly this time.
I've found in the past year, it's been a stepping stone to better things. Sort of just woke up in the past couple weeks, deciding, fuck it. Enough of what other people want, whine about, and allowing them to make me an option, when I made them a priority,. Fuck it. Fuck them.

I'm making myself the fucking priority! You either fit into the life I want, that I'm currently building for myself, or you don't. If ya don't, I'm not longer making excusing, and trying to fit you into a part of my life, cos I like you for one reason or another. How far do I have to go to make room for people, or try to fit into theirs, only to consistently be disappointed? Only to forgive too quickly when they return saying all the right things, though not producing actions to go along with those words.

I don't know where I found this strength. Found me again. But I love it. I love me! Finally!

The following is the kind of stuff I've decided to let go of.

Whats the saying, imitation if the kindness form of flattery? Is it? Cos one or two things, it is.. when it's allllll the time, it's simply fucking annoying. Especially when that person, then looks down at you, like it was their idea all along..... how? When I had all those things first.
 Nose pierced, affair with a younger man, a married man, daring hair colours, even my employment.

**I got braces in my late teens. When people started complimenting my smile, she got them too.
**I worked at a title search office, she tried to get the same job at a competitor's company.
No one would hire her. She tried to get into real estate. Failed.
**I worked at a gym. She thought she was one upping me, and became a personal trainer.. who btw failed at keeping clients.
**I worked at a fashion house, she went into modelling.
**Even now. I'm a part of the health and safety committee at work, and part of that is obtaining the COR certificate for the company. She went and became the safety audit coordinator at her job. (she does the audits for the COR). Granted she works in a different industry, but not the point.
**Interest in one particular man. I dated him last year for a short stint. Afterwards she was defensive about not giving it more of a chance. I advised her, the details why it did not work out, however, she was more than welcome to go out with him.

She didn't, instead, with no notice, booked, paid for a trip and left three days later, to the country where he is currently located. Her young adult child didn't even know where she had gone. Calling around to see if she was in our town for a court date or something. Who picks up and leaves with no notice for 2 weeks, and doesn't tell anyone. Very few pictures were posted, but just enough to prove she was where she said she was. She's been back a few weeks now, and wont discuss her ventures with anyone. Something isn't on the up and up. Who books an exotic vacation after making a big stink about not being able to afford airfare to the our town an hour away.....???

So, I simply stopped giving a damn. Poof. Gone, no longer consuming my thoughts. She can have her mysterious trip, cos no one no longer gives a damn. (the group of core friends we have.. they're pissed out of concern she went to such a place and didn't inform a single person etc.)

I should be flattered. I'm not. It's like she's competing with me, to be better, but I'm not in the race. I'm too the point, where I'm going to start making up fake goals, and tell her all about them. It's petty, and I will probably just ignore it. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong.

Person number two.
Makes plans, and bails. every time. I've stopped making plans with them, cos they double book, or cancel cos a better offer came up. Not even mad about it. I explained in detail how that makes them look, and it's a shitty thing to do, simply I won't participate anymore. Moved on. Doesn't stop them from messaging me telling me how much they love and/or miss me etc.. yet never do anything about it. Humourous really.

...and men. My favourite topic. hahaha
When I finally woke up, I decided I was no longer going to bend myself into positions to fit into their lives, only to be let down. We've all done it. I've just done it more than most.  I made a list of what makes me happy. Certain sport activities, music, foods, outings etc.  Learned I wasn't doing any of those.

That has changed. I've enrolled in school, signed up for golfing lessons again, joined a gym, planning my Xmas holidays to somewhere warm.. this may or may not happen, as I'm not comfortable travelling alone.
If the men I want in my life don't enjoy at least some of the same things, I won't be trying to fit into his life. I've known this all along, but haven't been applying it. It has to be a mutual fit.

I've been talking to a handful of men this past month. In the past, I would have mistaken their sexual advances as interest. This time around, it's not the case. I advise them that I'm not interested in something casual, and if they wanted to get to know me, to date me, they would have to do so in such a way, that doesn't involve talking about sex right out of the gates.  Important note: you must follow thru with which you say you're looking for. Otherwise they just continue to try.

I recently said to a friend who claims how much of a catch I am etc. blah blah blah.. my response was "everyone wants to fuck me, no one wants to love me"... after he offered to "ease my sadness" with a roll in the hay.

I keep that saying in my head up and front. It's not to say I won't have short term affairs, just as long as all parties are aware, I will be continuing to look for something solid, secure and meaningful with a man who wants more from me, and for me, than just sex.

Well, funny how that makes even the most shallow man pay attention, when they realised you're going to treat them the way they had planned on treating you.

 That's right fucker. You're not using me. I'm using you, and you will be dropped as soon as I find what I'm looking for. OF course I didn't say that, but the point was well received.

.. that's all for now folks. I'll have more to write soon. Baby steps.