I've been raging and having major anxiety all this week.
I could have used my words as weapons, and been pleased with myself.
I had to have some serious quiet time and check-in with myself, find the source of this negative energy. Rather than feeding it with more rage cos I haven't felt I could put my finger on it.
In short, I've come to the conclusion that I am stressed.
*We have a serious investigation going on at work. One that affects my department directly. The claim behind the investigation is bogus. Although since a claim was filed, the proper protocols have to be taken. Understandably.
What gets me red mad, is once it's found to be an invalid/fraudulent claim, our department will still get a lashing. Just because a claim was filed. Regardless if it's found invalid.
*Another issue which I am unable to discuss at this time due to its legalities.
I'm breathing, but the rage is rooted deep.
*I'm picking fights with people I care about. Becoming less and less tolerable towards lack of common courtesy on many levels.
*I'm annoyed with my body. My intestinal health has been giving me some grief for the last 6 weeks. Finally received the results of the culture, all good! no parasites or other nasty little things. This means making some restrictions on my diet and sticking to them. Just shoot me.
*I have to have positive self talk with myself daily. Thanking my body for the hard work it does! Carries my fat ass everywhere. Strong and flexible to stay active and healthy. Thanking the universe and my body for being able to get up every morning without assistance. There may come a time in life that that isn't possible. So I'm thankful for it now.
In term, I'm sure I'll feel better for making changes. it's just gonna suck donkey ass!
School starts up again in a week. This time it's not self-paced, and I'll be accountable for my course load in a classroom. YAY! but ugh to the late nights I'll have.
There ya have it. No harsh words here... I'm saving them for a special occasion. ;)
Wednesday, 14 August 2019
Monday, 5 August 2019
Trust in the Workplace; Can it Exist? Part 1
Over the years I've witnessed coworkers betray each other for promotions, throw one another under the bus for valid reasons due to work ethic, but mostly out of malice.
My whole employed life I've been wary of those who want to be fast friends, who are too eager to tell you about all the other employees. I've listened and made mental notes about the stories, and to never share anything at work.
I usually live by the rule: If you say it out loud, expect everyone to know about it, and twist it by the end of the day. If you want to keep it private, simply don't talk about it.
Executives talk to each other. They put on a professional front for their staff, but they talk just as much if not more than the staff themselves.
I've started a job which I really like. The executives are transparent, they joke around with the staff and keep the morale up. It's a nice change from what I've been subjected to for the last 6 years.
Recently we've hired a new payroll person. She's nice. From day one she's always comparing herself to others. Makes comments like: "why wouldn't those girls apply for that position, don't they want to move up in the company?","how does such a young exec afford to own Jimmy Choos?" Lots of comments. I tend to shrug my shoulders, saying "I don't know, I've never asked them, maybe you should ask them!?" She'll make a reason not too. It's clear to me she's a pot-stirrer.
The payroll person is nice, in small doses. She's recently been making comments to me about my future with the company. "why do you work here, do you like it?, Don't you have a degree in another field? you all roughly make the same amount." This isn't your get to know you type questions, it's the tone she uses.
She made a comment Wednesday about benefits etc and was surprised to learn I had benefits being on contract. Firstly, as payroll personnel, she shouldn't be saying things like that. Secondly, made a comment how that the company is unlikely to hire me permanently and will continue to renew my contract over and over, based on the fact that they know I have an interest in another career.
WTF? is she being friendly and giving me a heads up?
I informed her when the company hired me, they knew of my career path, and that it could take years.
My manager and I have an agreement, that when I'm ready to start looking in my field, I'd let them know. Of course, I will, but not until after I've secured a position. I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot. I like working here. It's a nice change to built up in aptitude vs being torn down daily.
Now my concern is, do I keep this information payroll shared with me, to myself, or share it with HR? I don't trust this person. I will keep all personal information and plans to myself as usual, but her ethic is pushing the line limits.
Even with my team, I don't discuss overly personal things or plans. Isn't this just common sense?
In my gut, I know what to keep to myself. I've learned a few ways of answering questions diplomatically without actually answering them, and making the ask-ee think they've received an answer.
My whole employed life I've been wary of those who want to be fast friends, who are too eager to tell you about all the other employees. I've listened and made mental notes about the stories, and to never share anything at work.
I usually live by the rule: If you say it out loud, expect everyone to know about it, and twist it by the end of the day. If you want to keep it private, simply don't talk about it.
Executives talk to each other. They put on a professional front for their staff, but they talk just as much if not more than the staff themselves.
I've started a job which I really like. The executives are transparent, they joke around with the staff and keep the morale up. It's a nice change from what I've been subjected to for the last 6 years.
Recently we've hired a new payroll person. She's nice. From day one she's always comparing herself to others. Makes comments like: "why wouldn't those girls apply for that position, don't they want to move up in the company?","how does such a young exec afford to own Jimmy Choos?" Lots of comments. I tend to shrug my shoulders, saying "I don't know, I've never asked them, maybe you should ask them!?" She'll make a reason not too. It's clear to me she's a pot-stirrer.
The payroll person is nice, in small doses. She's recently been making comments to me about my future with the company. "why do you work here, do you like it?, Don't you have a degree in another field? you all roughly make the same amount." This isn't your get to know you type questions, it's the tone she uses.
She made a comment Wednesday about benefits etc and was surprised to learn I had benefits being on contract. Firstly, as payroll personnel, she shouldn't be saying things like that. Secondly, made a comment how that the company is unlikely to hire me permanently and will continue to renew my contract over and over, based on the fact that they know I have an interest in another career.
WTF? is she being friendly and giving me a heads up?
I informed her when the company hired me, they knew of my career path, and that it could take years.
My manager and I have an agreement, that when I'm ready to start looking in my field, I'd let them know. Of course, I will, but not until after I've secured a position. I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot. I like working here. It's a nice change to built up in aptitude vs being torn down daily.
Now my concern is, do I keep this information payroll shared with me, to myself, or share it with HR? I don't trust this person. I will keep all personal information and plans to myself as usual, but her ethic is pushing the line limits.
Even with my team, I don't discuss overly personal things or plans. Isn't this just common sense?
In my gut, I know what to keep to myself. I've learned a few ways of answering questions diplomatically without actually answering them, and making the ask-ee think they've received an answer.
Sunday, 14 April 2019
It's been a year of growth!
Since I was laid off Jan 2018, the past year has been an eye opening rediscovery about myself, and those that love me.
My tribe, gawd bless them, cos without them this past year, I wouldn't have had a social life. They simply did not care that I was broke. They always insisted I not miss out on anything. I contribute where I can obviously, but so grateful for them.
I have a new job now, and while I did not make the best of my year with my studies, I am refocused now. Have a goal written down, and a timeline. Fingers crossed.
I'm coming to grips of my reality with my siblings; that I am indeed really an only child. One that shares my last name with sibling strangers.
I have upcoming plans to go back east again to visit family that loves me. I miss them so much.
That's all for now. Just a short update. I have plenty more to talk about, just no energy at the moment.
My tribe, gawd bless them, cos without them this past year, I wouldn't have had a social life. They simply did not care that I was broke. They always insisted I not miss out on anything. I contribute where I can obviously, but so grateful for them.
I have a new job now, and while I did not make the best of my year with my studies, I am refocused now. Have a goal written down, and a timeline. Fingers crossed.
I'm coming to grips of my reality with my siblings; that I am indeed really an only child. One that shares my last name with sibling strangers.
I have upcoming plans to go back east again to visit family that loves me. I miss them so much.
That's all for now. Just a short update. I have plenty more to talk about, just no energy at the moment.
Wednesday, 11 July 2018
Liberated - feels weird! Deleted FB
I deleted my FB account tonight!
I found I wasn't using it wisely. I was scrolling thru just aimlessly. And if I was looking at the news feed, it was all negative. All day, all the time.
I follow a few news media pages, and can't escape the orange man-child cheeto! Even non-news sources were posting about the more recent stupidity exiting his uneducated, bias, racist little brain. If it wasn't about his latest antics, it was someone calling the police on someone else for the most ridiculous reasons. Or people randomly being attacked for the colour of their skin!
Can not escape.
I started noticing the rage that would stir. That's not good.
As a trial for a week, I've deleted it. I still have msgnr, and IG, cos at least there, I can control the happiness content.
I'm not avoiding reality, parse; I'm just taking control over what, and when I choose to watch the news (on TV now). I only need to read/listen to the news once a day. I do not need it shoved in my face all day long. And when media outlets do report on something else, say something positive; maybe albeit not breaking news, there is always some twit bitching about how there is more going on in the world than reporting on A>B>C random happy moments in the world. There is many levels of news.
Unfortunately so many thrive on the negative. They can't be pleased.
It's only been 2 hours, and I've already noticed that I robotically pick up my phone to scroll through FB. This is going to be a good habit to break.
If not only for my mental health, but to adopt healthier ways to occupy my time!!
Anxious? Do a few push ups.
Bored? Attack something off my to-do list.
Go for a walk.
Read any of the many books I haven't opened yet.
It's been 2 hours, and it already feels a little freeing. 😚
I found I wasn't using it wisely. I was scrolling thru just aimlessly. And if I was looking at the news feed, it was all negative. All day, all the time.
I follow a few news media pages, and can't escape the orange man-child cheeto! Even non-news sources were posting about the more recent stupidity exiting his uneducated, bias, racist little brain. If it wasn't about his latest antics, it was someone calling the police on someone else for the most ridiculous reasons. Or people randomly being attacked for the colour of their skin!
Can not escape.
I started noticing the rage that would stir. That's not good.
As a trial for a week, I've deleted it. I still have msgnr, and IG, cos at least there, I can control the happiness content.
I'm not avoiding reality, parse; I'm just taking control over what, and when I choose to watch the news (on TV now). I only need to read/listen to the news once a day. I do not need it shoved in my face all day long. And when media outlets do report on something else, say something positive; maybe albeit not breaking news, there is always some twit bitching about how there is more going on in the world than reporting on A>B>C random happy moments in the world. There is many levels of news.
Unfortunately so many thrive on the negative. They can't be pleased.
It's only been 2 hours, and I've already noticed that I robotically pick up my phone to scroll through FB. This is going to be a good habit to break.
If not only for my mental health, but to adopt healthier ways to occupy my time!!
Anxious? Do a few push ups.
Bored? Attack something off my to-do list.
Go for a walk.
Read any of the many books I haven't opened yet.
It's been 2 hours, and it already feels a little freeing. 😚
Monday, 9 July 2018
Depression has creeped back, and hard to shake this time.
Just what the title says.
Depression. While you're in it, you're not really aware all the time just how run down you are.
A year ago tomorrow, I started taking anti-anxiety meds. What a game changer, I can't tell you the difference, and HUGE improvement it's made in my life!!
As you might be aware, I was laid of in January of this year. Been on more interviews than I can remember, no offers worth fighting for. I have the help of an agency, starting to use a second one soon. A few offers have been made. Although they haven't offered enough salary to accept it.
Some even after I've stated my salary expectations as per their request in the applications, a few have low balled me. Really? Instead of getting mad, I've been using those experiences to practice my negotiation skills. I know my worth. Please do not insult me.
I get enough on EI just to get by. Barely. It's a struggle to budget your social life even tighter.
My rent and bills get paid. All the luxuries have been downgraded or cancelled til further notice.
Which brings us to today. Here we are. I am.
Feeling blah. All-the-time. Until you've dealt with depression personally, or cared for someone who has it, you can't imagine the set back when you find yourself where I am right now, and can see how far back down the ladder I've gone.
It's twofold.
1- To know your down where you are, and can see how far forward you had gone.
2 - The ladder steps are rotten, and full of splinters. How am I going to get back up the ladder? HOW?
I have all these wonderful tools to cope, and none of them seem to be working.
Breathing exercises, headspace apps, yoga, exercises in general. And sleep. wonderful sleep.
The rule is you're supposed to do things even know you don't want to. Go out with friends, be social, go for that walk, attack that chore, or house hold project.
None of it's working at the moment. The thing is, I know how much harder it's going to be to get out of this funk if I don't make real efforts. I simply don't care, at this moment.
Update soon.
Depression. While you're in it, you're not really aware all the time just how run down you are.
A year ago tomorrow, I started taking anti-anxiety meds. What a game changer, I can't tell you the difference, and HUGE improvement it's made in my life!!
As you might be aware, I was laid of in January of this year. Been on more interviews than I can remember, no offers worth fighting for. I have the help of an agency, starting to use a second one soon. A few offers have been made. Although they haven't offered enough salary to accept it.
Some even after I've stated my salary expectations as per their request in the applications, a few have low balled me. Really? Instead of getting mad, I've been using those experiences to practice my negotiation skills. I know my worth. Please do not insult me.
I get enough on EI just to get by. Barely. It's a struggle to budget your social life even tighter.
My rent and bills get paid. All the luxuries have been downgraded or cancelled til further notice.
Which brings us to today. Here we are. I am.
Feeling blah. All-the-time. Until you've dealt with depression personally, or cared for someone who has it, you can't imagine the set back when you find yourself where I am right now, and can see how far back down the ladder I've gone.
It's twofold.
1- To know your down where you are, and can see how far forward you had gone.
2 - The ladder steps are rotten, and full of splinters. How am I going to get back up the ladder? HOW?
I have all these wonderful tools to cope, and none of them seem to be working.
Breathing exercises, headspace apps, yoga, exercises in general. And sleep. wonderful sleep.
The rule is you're supposed to do things even know you don't want to. Go out with friends, be social, go for that walk, attack that chore, or house hold project.
None of it's working at the moment. The thing is, I know how much harder it's going to be to get out of this funk if I don't make real efforts. I simply don't care, at this moment.
Update soon.
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