UPDATE:
I called the nurses line shortly after writing this entry. I took an ativan and it wasn't kicking in. I called to see if I could take a second one safely. We ended up on the phone for an hour. Out a plan together. And when the nurse felt I was at a reasonable level of panic, she let me go.
I took a bath. Did my breathing practices and no longer felt the need to take the second ativan. I had calmed down enough For it to work.
Saw my family doctor that following Monday. Discussed what happened and my options. We decided to try some medication. Its only been 5 days and I feel the difference. I'm only on a child's dose til we see how it affects me. I'm also still in the side effects stage for another week.
Saw my shrink the Wednesday.
Long story short, I've taken the steps to get the help and have a support system in place. Those friends did reach out the next morning. Some got an ear full, others still have a place in my life.
There ya have it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I"m sitting calmly in my apartment, happy with some minor recent changes I've been making to the apartment, my life etc.
...then WHAM! I'm an inconsolable babbling puddle! wth just happened?
Excuse typing errors, as I write this with blurred eyes. Not that's an excuse,but ya know.
To the point:
*I'm losing control of everything! Maybe even reality a little!
*I'm officially broke. My savings have run out, while dealing with my accident claim.
*Roommate is talking about moving out again at the end of the year for school etc.
*Can't find a job in my field.
*My current job may be eliminated come January, and it took me a year to find that one!
*My credit is running out! I've always taken pride at being able to manage my finances, but now it's getting away from me.
*I apparently have allllll these great friends, but I'm always the one making the phone calls.
*I've been pretty good about who is who etc, even after I've narrowed down the dead weight, I thought the ones left over were the ones I could count on. Nope. I called and texted 5 ppl tonight.to ensure they could hear the desperation in my voice! Not 1 replied, although they've seen the messages. 1 replied with buy a dildo. wow. Just deleted them.
*And P. Gawd. I thought things were good between us. Trying to be friends. He cancelled our dinner plans for tonight, stating he just wasn't feeling it after a day of golf. No problem.
However, the problem is one of his friends tagged him in a picture 2 hours later at a restaurant/bar downtown having a good time. Seriously not cool. I had a hard enough time getting over the fact he's never going to love me the way I want him too, and was okay with building a rapport as friends. I thought. Now he can't even be honest with me.
I dont know how many times I've said this to ppl in my life in general conversations.
I rather you be honest and hurt my feelings. At least I can respect it. Lie, deceive me, it leaves me sour and not trusting you.
I'm not expecting any of you to be able to provide a solution, although they are welcome.
I'm losing my shit. I'm scared. Actually scared about everything. My future, in finance, love, mental health. At this point I'm not opposed to being medicated if it's going to help me stay sane, calm and have clarity.
Fuck it. Copy and pasted this to my shrink. I think it will be easier for her to read what a breakdown looks like while its happening.
Saturday, 8 July 2017
Sunday, 21 May 2017
Stupid Sister Convo's & Life Updates
If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or randomly read my family stuff, you'll know I don't get along with my sisters. One specifically. She says the dumbest things. Whether they racist, is one-upping you on any topic, or just random things to make herself look better, she says stupid things. With no regard to how it may be interpreted.
We use to do a sister lunch every month until I solely decided I wasn't participating anymore, cos it was too taxing to be down too, or the way she talked to our oldest sister, who has a development handicap. It's too much. Not to mention I'm still harbouring a huge grudge against her for ruining my trip back east a couple years ago.
Lunch today was no different. A little less vile than usual, but no different really.
Lunch discussion about my proprieties finding a new job in my field.
Sister: You should get a spouse so you'll have a second income.
Me: Well I don't have one, do that comment is irrelevant.
S: I'm just saying, it would help you financially to look for work or take the part-time until you can find f/t in your field.
Me: yes, but I don't have that option. So you mentioning it repeatedly doesn't change it. And even if I had a spouse to help me take those risks, I'd still have to make enough money to live my own life regardless.
Sister: But you have a roommate.
Me: That's not the point. That's not his responsibility, nor is his living with me ever guaranteed.
You're not listening.
Sister: but...
Brother-in-law: : sisters name, Stop talking. Just stop.
Other conversations were no different. She wants to be the first to know and inform everyone that she knew it first. The kicker was when the oldest sister corrected her about our other sister. She actually told her she was wrong. I had to pipe in, cos we were on a conference call together, and I backed her up. She was so mad she didn't know. Well, why would you? You don't talk to, or have a relationship with that sister.... just sayin.
In short, having the Brother-in-law there was a nice buffer. How he's put up with her for all these decades, I have no idea. He's a saint!
Life Updates:
I started a positive jar. Every time I do something new, or tried, etc, it goes on a post-it, and into the jar. At the end of the year, you take them out and read them. Trying to remember to write them down is the only obstacle. hahah
Every month, I'm pushing myself to do something I want to do. I joined Meetup.com. It's a group site that allows you to find people with similar interests. Not a dating site! I've joined as a recommendation from my shrink. 1) to find more female age-appropriate friends. Which is coming along. 2) activities I like or want to try.
Some of the groups are a hit and a miss. Although you can find your groove pretty quick. I still have anxiety when it comes to doing new things with people I don't know etc, however, the more honest I about it with the event host, the easier it is to be awkwardly charming. Slowly building confidence. I'm doing more things on my own. Taking lessons in activities I've wanted to try, outside of the meetup groups. Stepping stones, always.
Career:
Is proving to be harder than originally thought to find full-time permanent work locally.
Everything is casual or part-time. I might have to consider looking into part-time positions. As long as I can be guaranteed 20 hrs a week at a government salary, I can get by, until something full time comes up. But then finding it, and getting short-listed is hard too. The search continues. It's actually on a timeline, as my current company is about to roll out a new program in January 2018 that will eliminate a lot of what I do. As no one can tell me anything solidified regarding my position, I feel it's best to beat them to the punch. As we've been laying offing staff in other departments. It hasn't been exactly compassionate or tactful.
Empaths:
In one of the groups I joined, I met a woman who is into feeling energies etc. While I feel some people who talk about it too openly are full of it. Those who truly have the ability to feel other people's energies don't walk around bragging about it, cos in the reality of things, its not always a gift to be able to feel good and bad energies. Especially the bad. IN short, what I'm learning about myself, is not to be afraid of it.. that I can feel everything. All the fucking time. I'm learning how to protect my own personal energy from being affected by the negative. I don't openly talk about it. Only a few people really know, mostly cos they feel it too.
Side note: sort of related. I've learned that our souls travel in packs in each lifetime. So those people who you're drawn to without really knowing why, it's believed you knew each other in another time. Kind of a neat way to think about those who come and go.
Dating:
bahahahahahah big breath bahahahahaahahahaha
Actually, I've been learning to love myself more. Always an on-going thing. Something I haven't been able to say in a few years, I like myself. Almost love, but like myself, a lot.
Would I date me? A couple years ago, no. Now, yes!
I found a meme on FB that stuck with me.
A son asks his Dad, "When will I meet the right woman?" The Dad's reply, "To meet the right woman, you must become the right man." I suppose that works both ways.
And that is what I'm doing. I am lonely at times. To the point it's palpable. This is not to be confused or compared to being horny. I have my short term needs covered.
General things:
Learning to keep my mouth shut, is surprisingly becoming easier. I'm observing a lot more. Maybe this has more to do with learning to love me, that I don't feel the need to be the life of any party.
It's calm here. :)
okay, I think that is all I have right now. It's all over the place, but it's no longer taking up space in my brain.
We use to do a sister lunch every month until I solely decided I wasn't participating anymore, cos it was too taxing to be down too, or the way she talked to our oldest sister, who has a development handicap. It's too much. Not to mention I'm still harbouring a huge grudge against her for ruining my trip back east a couple years ago.
Lunch today was no different. A little less vile than usual, but no different really.
Lunch discussion about my proprieties finding a new job in my field.
Sister: You should get a spouse so you'll have a second income.
Me: Well I don't have one, do that comment is irrelevant.
S: I'm just saying, it would help you financially to look for work or take the part-time until you can find f/t in your field.
Me: yes, but I don't have that option. So you mentioning it repeatedly doesn't change it. And even if I had a spouse to help me take those risks, I'd still have to make enough money to live my own life regardless.
Sister: But you have a roommate.
Me: That's not the point. That's not his responsibility, nor is his living with me ever guaranteed.
You're not listening.
Sister: but...
Brother-in-law: : sisters name, Stop talking. Just stop.
Other conversations were no different. She wants to be the first to know and inform everyone that she knew it first. The kicker was when the oldest sister corrected her about our other sister. She actually told her she was wrong. I had to pipe in, cos we were on a conference call together, and I backed her up. She was so mad she didn't know. Well, why would you? You don't talk to, or have a relationship with that sister.... just sayin.
In short, having the Brother-in-law there was a nice buffer. How he's put up with her for all these decades, I have no idea. He's a saint!
Life Updates:
I started a positive jar. Every time I do something new, or tried, etc, it goes on a post-it, and into the jar. At the end of the year, you take them out and read them. Trying to remember to write them down is the only obstacle. hahah
Every month, I'm pushing myself to do something I want to do. I joined Meetup.com. It's a group site that allows you to find people with similar interests. Not a dating site! I've joined as a recommendation from my shrink. 1) to find more female age-appropriate friends. Which is coming along. 2) activities I like or want to try.
Some of the groups are a hit and a miss. Although you can find your groove pretty quick. I still have anxiety when it comes to doing new things with people I don't know etc, however, the more honest I about it with the event host, the easier it is to be awkwardly charming. Slowly building confidence. I'm doing more things on my own. Taking lessons in activities I've wanted to try, outside of the meetup groups. Stepping stones, always.
Career:
Is proving to be harder than originally thought to find full-time permanent work locally.
Everything is casual or part-time. I might have to consider looking into part-time positions. As long as I can be guaranteed 20 hrs a week at a government salary, I can get by, until something full time comes up. But then finding it, and getting short-listed is hard too. The search continues. It's actually on a timeline, as my current company is about to roll out a new program in January 2018 that will eliminate a lot of what I do. As no one can tell me anything solidified regarding my position, I feel it's best to beat them to the punch. As we've been laying offing staff in other departments. It hasn't been exactly compassionate or tactful.
Empaths:
In one of the groups I joined, I met a woman who is into feeling energies etc. While I feel some people who talk about it too openly are full of it. Those who truly have the ability to feel other people's energies don't walk around bragging about it, cos in the reality of things, its not always a gift to be able to feel good and bad energies. Especially the bad. IN short, what I'm learning about myself, is not to be afraid of it.. that I can feel everything. All the fucking time. I'm learning how to protect my own personal energy from being affected by the negative. I don't openly talk about it. Only a few people really know, mostly cos they feel it too.
Side note: sort of related. I've learned that our souls travel in packs in each lifetime. So those people who you're drawn to without really knowing why, it's believed you knew each other in another time. Kind of a neat way to think about those who come and go.
Dating:
bahahahahahah big breath bahahahahaahahahaha
Actually, I've been learning to love myself more. Always an on-going thing. Something I haven't been able to say in a few years, I like myself. Almost love, but like myself, a lot.
Would I date me? A couple years ago, no. Now, yes!
I found a meme on FB that stuck with me.
A son asks his Dad, "When will I meet the right woman?" The Dad's reply, "To meet the right woman, you must become the right man." I suppose that works both ways.
And that is what I'm doing. I am lonely at times. To the point it's palpable. This is not to be confused or compared to being horny. I have my short term needs covered.
General things:
Learning to keep my mouth shut, is surprisingly becoming easier. I'm observing a lot more. Maybe this has more to do with learning to love me, that I don't feel the need to be the life of any party.
It's calm here. :)
okay, I think that is all I have right now. It's all over the place, but it's no longer taking up space in my brain.
Saturday, 12 November 2016
Change is the Only Constant
A work in progress... always.
I use to think of this as daunting and failure cos I always had something that required change, and/or improvement.
I no longer think of it this way. I now look at it always trying on what fits you. If it doesn't, well you move on and try on something else until it feels right. Improves you, makes you like, even love yourself a bit more.
I grew up thinking by the time you were an adult, or young adult, you should know who you are. What you want. Where you're going. Why? Why does it have to be written in stone? It doesn't.
It doesn't! Think about that for a moment.
Who said, you can't change, or grow based on the conditions of your life, and the hand you were dealt at the time. You grew up in a less than ideal home? Who says you have to live that life yourself? You were a fat kid? Who says that's who you are now?
I look back and noticed how much the plan I had for myself has changed. After my parents passed, it took years to learn, that I don't have to live this life. Get married, have children, buy a home etc.
Not wanting, choosing not to have those things is NOT a failure. It means, I know what works for my life. I will not be shamed for it. Neither should you.
Would I like kids? Yes. Although it was never in the cards for me, and I made the decision to be okay with that at a young age. Do I want to own my own home? Yes. Can I afford it living in Vancouver? No. Not without a spouse. Do I want to get married? Yes! However, as I get older, I've learned that piece of paper, is well, just paper. I want the relationship.
Recently, with the guidance of my practitioners, I chose to go into talk therapy, instead of pill therapy. And what an amazing choice. I've been connected with a shrink who truly provides me a safe place to be uncensored. We discuss a variety of topics, and she gives me tools and homework to think about and try to apply. With that being said, I've changed. For the better.
There is A LOT less self pity, however anger, and anxiety are still present and amped up at times as I work through the process. I'm nesting. Making lists. The more I get thru a list, the more accomplished I feel to tackle more, and the next thing on the list.
Right now, I'm weeding men out, and rebuilding my tribe. Working on the growth of loving myself more. You hear the saying, Love yourself first, and it will make space for good things in your life. Or some variety of that. It's true. However, how many of us really know how to do that? I was too angry for a long, long time to truly know what that meant.
I am no longer making excuses for my changes, or that afraid to make them. I use to sit around feeling sorry for myself that my tribe at the time weren't putting in the effort into me, as I do into them. I was holding onto them cos there was years of history. Or afraid cos then I'd be alone. That terrified me. Like, can not leave the house I'm too sad terrified.
Why is this my fault? Why I am being punished? I'm not. You're not!
These people are simply not your tribe. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be a dramatic break-up, just a moving on and not worrying about it. Finding the right frequency.
If these people were really your tribe, you wouldn't have to think about it, question it.
When the tribe fits, you just know. I'm learning that.
I'm rebuilding that tribe. I've found a venue to find new people to connect with.
My list is compartmentalized: Small example.
1) Get some girlfriends.
I don't have a lot of female friends. Not sure why, I just don't. Sooooo, that was step one. Joined an age appropriate group specific for females to connect. I have my first activity planned with them at the end of the month.
2) Find a group friends that enjoy the same things you do.
Paddle boarding, road-trips, exploring abandoned towns, live music ,sports, breweries etc. These are my key activities I do on a regular basis. I have my first adventurer tomorrow! It was terrifying to call up someone on this group and say hey, I'm Just Saying, and I'd love to come out on this adventure ,can I carpool with you? There are 12 us tomorrow. :)
3) Make my place feel more like a home.
I'm organizing. A lot. Its a little pricey, but worth it to feel in control and accomplished, and too like where I live, coming home to something cozy, comfortable and inviting is amazing. It serves a purpose more than just where I lay my head. A few more things to do around the apartment, but it's already coming together. #1 was creating a proper space for writing. I have a portable kitchen island that I don't really use. It occupies my larger appliances. SO I've turned it into my writing space. Reading lamp, a framed picture and laptop and chair. Whola. Feels right. This is my first entry in the new space.
My list is always shrinking and growing as I think of other things. My lists can be anything from daily chores to more long term goals. Yes I make a list to do laundry.
Example of my everyday list:
- sort and do laundry
-take out garbage
-wash floors
- pick up clothes
-Groceries (outside aisles only)
-nap
Having anxiety, it can be daunting to just think about the process. The lists helps. I've realized this list will be a forever thing. Making these lists work for me. They make me accountable, to myself. Sometimes I make the list and then do nothing for a couple days. I made the list, that was a step.
Back to making new connections:
Granted I know I may not have a connection with everyone I come across in this journey, but knowing they're all there for the same reasons one way or another, is comforting.
I find myself this past week really paying attention to how those I've invested in, treat me. Caught myself saying outloud a few times, "not my tribe".
I recently had a convo with a man I've had a seriously hard time getting over and letting go of.
He said something that woke me up. And my response was, "not my tribe".
"Just because I don't want to talk or hangout doesn't mean we are not friends. It just means I have nothing to say and just don't feel like hanging out."
I'm sorry, but when you don't say more than "golfed and relaxed"when asked how your day was, and "too lazy and/or tired to come out", for the last 3.5 years, um, ya, it means we're not friends. Especially when you're going to dinner, hockey games and other activities with other people. He had an excuse for that too. I smiled, and said okay, You're not my tribe, and deleted him. Done.
He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not.
If you want to be part of my tribe, it has to be a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. Period. You can not be in my tribe, and close the door to yours.
Those are the only rules.
I'll write more as changes develop. I have a good feeling about this journey and 2017.
I use to think of this as daunting and failure cos I always had something that required change, and/or improvement.
I no longer think of it this way. I now look at it always trying on what fits you. If it doesn't, well you move on and try on something else until it feels right. Improves you, makes you like, even love yourself a bit more.
I grew up thinking by the time you were an adult, or young adult, you should know who you are. What you want. Where you're going. Why? Why does it have to be written in stone? It doesn't.
It doesn't! Think about that for a moment.
Who said, you can't change, or grow based on the conditions of your life, and the hand you were dealt at the time. You grew up in a less than ideal home? Who says you have to live that life yourself? You were a fat kid? Who says that's who you are now?
I look back and noticed how much the plan I had for myself has changed. After my parents passed, it took years to learn, that I don't have to live this life. Get married, have children, buy a home etc.
Not wanting, choosing not to have those things is NOT a failure. It means, I know what works for my life. I will not be shamed for it. Neither should you.
Would I like kids? Yes. Although it was never in the cards for me, and I made the decision to be okay with that at a young age. Do I want to own my own home? Yes. Can I afford it living in Vancouver? No. Not without a spouse. Do I want to get married? Yes! However, as I get older, I've learned that piece of paper, is well, just paper. I want the relationship.
Recently, with the guidance of my practitioners, I chose to go into talk therapy, instead of pill therapy. And what an amazing choice. I've been connected with a shrink who truly provides me a safe place to be uncensored. We discuss a variety of topics, and she gives me tools and homework to think about and try to apply. With that being said, I've changed. For the better.
There is A LOT less self pity, however anger, and anxiety are still present and amped up at times as I work through the process. I'm nesting. Making lists. The more I get thru a list, the more accomplished I feel to tackle more, and the next thing on the list.
Right now, I'm weeding men out, and rebuilding my tribe. Working on the growth of loving myself more. You hear the saying, Love yourself first, and it will make space for good things in your life. Or some variety of that. It's true. However, how many of us really know how to do that? I was too angry for a long, long time to truly know what that meant.
I am no longer making excuses for my changes, or that afraid to make them. I use to sit around feeling sorry for myself that my tribe at the time weren't putting in the effort into me, as I do into them. I was holding onto them cos there was years of history. Or afraid cos then I'd be alone. That terrified me. Like, can not leave the house I'm too sad terrified.
Why is this my fault? Why I am being punished? I'm not. You're not!
These people are simply not your tribe. And that is okay. It doesn't have to be a dramatic break-up, just a moving on and not worrying about it. Finding the right frequency.
If these people were really your tribe, you wouldn't have to think about it, question it.
When the tribe fits, you just know. I'm learning that.
I'm rebuilding that tribe. I've found a venue to find new people to connect with.
My list is compartmentalized: Small example.
1) Get some girlfriends.
I don't have a lot of female friends. Not sure why, I just don't. Sooooo, that was step one. Joined an age appropriate group specific for females to connect. I have my first activity planned with them at the end of the month.
2) Find a group friends that enjoy the same things you do.
Paddle boarding, road-trips, exploring abandoned towns, live music ,sports, breweries etc. These are my key activities I do on a regular basis. I have my first adventurer tomorrow! It was terrifying to call up someone on this group and say hey, I'm Just Saying, and I'd love to come out on this adventure ,can I carpool with you? There are 12 us tomorrow. :)
3) Make my place feel more like a home.
I'm organizing. A lot. Its a little pricey, but worth it to feel in control and accomplished, and too like where I live, coming home to something cozy, comfortable and inviting is amazing. It serves a purpose more than just where I lay my head. A few more things to do around the apartment, but it's already coming together. #1 was creating a proper space for writing. I have a portable kitchen island that I don't really use. It occupies my larger appliances. SO I've turned it into my writing space. Reading lamp, a framed picture and laptop and chair. Whola. Feels right. This is my first entry in the new space.
My list is always shrinking and growing as I think of other things. My lists can be anything from daily chores to more long term goals. Yes I make a list to do laundry.
Example of my everyday list:
- sort and do laundry
-take out garbage
-wash floors
- pick up clothes
-Groceries (outside aisles only)
-nap
Having anxiety, it can be daunting to just think about the process. The lists helps. I've realized this list will be a forever thing. Making these lists work for me. They make me accountable, to myself. Sometimes I make the list and then do nothing for a couple days. I made the list, that was a step.
Back to making new connections:
Granted I know I may not have a connection with everyone I come across in this journey, but knowing they're all there for the same reasons one way or another, is comforting.
I find myself this past week really paying attention to how those I've invested in, treat me. Caught myself saying outloud a few times, "not my tribe".
I recently had a convo with a man I've had a seriously hard time getting over and letting go of.
He said something that woke me up. And my response was, "not my tribe".
"Just because I don't want to talk or hangout doesn't mean we are not friends. It just means I have nothing to say and just don't feel like hanging out."
I'm sorry, but when you don't say more than "golfed and relaxed"when asked how your day was, and "too lazy and/or tired to come out", for the last 3.5 years, um, ya, it means we're not friends. Especially when you're going to dinner, hockey games and other activities with other people. He had an excuse for that too. I smiled, and said okay, You're not my tribe, and deleted him. Done.
He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not.
If you want to be part of my tribe, it has to be a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. Period. You can not be in my tribe, and close the door to yours.
Those are the only rules.
I'll write more as changes develop. I have a good feeling about this journey and 2017.
Sunday, 14 August 2016
It's been interesting
Since last summer when I went to see family back east with my siblings, I haven't much desire to talk to my one sister. She creates drama and then plays the victim in the drama she created.
Maybe it's an age thing, being middle aged, I have zero tolerance for it, and her.
She's 56. seriously.
That being said, she's recently thrown fits about not being able to see pictures on my FB. Or found out that family came into town and only saw me. I'm met with: "why didn't they visit me? I've known them longer than you!" Short of telling her they simply dont like her pushy, rude, brash, and eccentric ways, maybe we get along better! I say nothing. I've learned how easy it is to simply not participate.
You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to. Easy words to live by. I'm learning a lot about the people around me. At work, in life, etc. but just keeping my mouth shut and not participating. Now, that isn't to say, if something true bad is being said or discussed, that I wont chime in and put that person in their place.
It really gets under her skin that I wont fight with her. Then accuses me of distances myself from the family. No, just you. I talk to the rest. But in her eyes, she's decided that I'm an outcast or black sheep now. hahah
I truly believe I'm just at an age where having history with people isnt enough. I recently learned that a friend of 30 years, who's family I spend holidays with, has been introducing me (or when speaking of me) as her arch nemesis. Really? 30 years and this is how you feel about me? My friendships are not competitions. With that said, see ya later. I do not care anymore.
Why do some people feel the need to always one up you? I support my friends in their success, not belittle them and keep them down. Yes there is more of story there.
In other news, It's been a year of change. It's great. It's a constant progress, and it's attracting the right kind of people into my life. Not that they're weren't there before, I just had to really let go of those holding me back, belittling and causing drama so they can feel better about themselves.
As far as my siblings and their drama... well that is never going to change, and we do need family. I like to think my friends are my chosen family, but that is changing too.
I do have some great things going on in my life, sadly I cant talk about them here at the moment. Unfortunately, I feel someone in my life has found this blog, to the point that I don't want to share the great things going on, so they won't have a chance to discourage me, use it against me to start a fight, or just not being supportive in any way, cos it's not about them ,or can't be turned around to be about them.
In all the years I've been writing here, I've learned that I long for a solid family foundation. A supportive one. One where you want to call your family, "friend". I have that will family back east, they're back east. Skype can only go so far. It's better than nothing for sure.
More changes my friends, more changes. :)
Maybe it's an age thing, being middle aged, I have zero tolerance for it, and her.
She's 56. seriously.
That being said, she's recently thrown fits about not being able to see pictures on my FB. Or found out that family came into town and only saw me. I'm met with: "why didn't they visit me? I've known them longer than you!" Short of telling her they simply dont like her pushy, rude, brash, and eccentric ways, maybe we get along better! I say nothing. I've learned how easy it is to simply not participate.
You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to. Easy words to live by. I'm learning a lot about the people around me. At work, in life, etc. but just keeping my mouth shut and not participating. Now, that isn't to say, if something true bad is being said or discussed, that I wont chime in and put that person in their place.
It really gets under her skin that I wont fight with her. Then accuses me of distances myself from the family. No, just you. I talk to the rest. But in her eyes, she's decided that I'm an outcast or black sheep now. hahah
I truly believe I'm just at an age where having history with people isnt enough. I recently learned that a friend of 30 years, who's family I spend holidays with, has been introducing me (or when speaking of me) as her arch nemesis. Really? 30 years and this is how you feel about me? My friendships are not competitions. With that said, see ya later. I do not care anymore.
Why do some people feel the need to always one up you? I support my friends in their success, not belittle them and keep them down. Yes there is more of story there.
In other news, It's been a year of change. It's great. It's a constant progress, and it's attracting the right kind of people into my life. Not that they're weren't there before, I just had to really let go of those holding me back, belittling and causing drama so they can feel better about themselves.
As far as my siblings and their drama... well that is never going to change, and we do need family. I like to think my friends are my chosen family, but that is changing too.
I do have some great things going on in my life, sadly I cant talk about them here at the moment. Unfortunately, I feel someone in my life has found this blog, to the point that I don't want to share the great things going on, so they won't have a chance to discourage me, use it against me to start a fight, or just not being supportive in any way, cos it's not about them ,or can't be turned around to be about them.
In all the years I've been writing here, I've learned that I long for a solid family foundation. A supportive one. One where you want to call your family, "friend". I have that will family back east, they're back east. Skype can only go so far. It's better than nothing for sure.
More changes my friends, more changes. :)
Monday, 23 May 2016
Found Balance!
Along with finding balance, I found my self respect on so many levels.
In short, I've learned to say NO, and still be respectful towards others. Clearly I still roll my eyes, but a little less wanting to stab people in the eye with a fork. :D
Most of this is still hormonal, although it seems I've got a grasp on it, for the moment.
I realizing more and more how much I need to get back into blogging. I feel I've lost my personal writing style, or it's gotten stale.
To be continued....
In short, I've learned to say NO, and still be respectful towards others. Clearly I still roll my eyes, but a little less wanting to stab people in the eye with a fork. :D
Most of this is still hormonal, although it seems I've got a grasp on it, for the moment.
I realizing more and more how much I need to get back into blogging. I feel I've lost my personal writing style, or it's gotten stale.
To be continued....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)