My Friends Humble Me.

This entry is from another blog that I wrote many years ago.
Since I have nothing to write about and both my parents anniversaries just past, this seems fitting.
Hope you enjoy it.

I've recently been listening to Edwin's new Cd. and a few songs hit home for me more than others...


"Eyes of an child", is the song that brought me to these memories and made me have a long over due cry for my parents.  Just days before my mum passed away, she would have these moments of clarity in her comfortable morphine state.

Tina and Laurie both had special bonds with my mum, I never questioned it and just always let it be. Mrs.D is what most called her.  Anyways, Tina was in the hospital room with my family and I, and happened to be standing beside her when she woke. My mum mistaken her for Laurie... (both have dark hair and same stature).

Mum woke and grabbed Tina's hand thanking "Laurie" for all the angels she gave her over the years and that she will always be remembered and have a special place in her heart... they had a unspoken share and love for angles for their own reasons. Tina just held her hand and gracefully said, "you're welcome".

My one sister that was in the room was about to jump to to tell mum that this was Tina not Laurie, as my friend Angela touched my sisters arm and just shook her head NO. no words were spoken....
I think my sister knew at that moment, finally.. it wasn't about HER.

When mum finally did pass away, she just looked like she was sleeping and sort of happy... something was missing.. she wasn't "resting" even the nurses said.. "she's sticking around, someone hasn't made it here to say goodbye".....the nurse had no idea how right she was, it was Laurie.

She had got caught in traffic. She finally arrived and I gave her and my mum some time to say goodbye. The nurses' at St.Mary's were amazing and gave us (Family had left by now) all the time we needed, even though it had been many many hours after family had come and gone.

When she was done, I went back to spend time with my mum. It was the hardest thing to sit there knowing if I walked out of the room, I'd never see her again.. Trying to take in all the smells, good and bad... and yes for those that don't know, death has a smell. Not gross, just one you'll never forget.

Looking at her, I knew it was Laurie she was waiting for. She was now looking rested, peaceful, and now gone. Now she could run in the fields with one her sisters that she said was waiting for her, as they did as kids. (We originally thought it was the drugs in her last days.. we now know much better).

After the death of a loved one, I now KNOW that the mind, soul and body are indeed separate.
Her body was gone, but her soul was there until the last person paid their respects.

Fast forward a few years.......

I've self destructed and getting into all sorts of trouble then sought professional help. In reality it was only 6 months later but felt like years.

I've met Jenny (2 years later) thru a new job and instantly had a connection. Barely knowing each other, we went surfing for a weekend in Tofino. Met up with Tina since at the time she was working for a developer there and met up with us. While at lunch, Jen asked about my parents and Tina jumped in right away telling these great stories of my mum. :) Then to look over and see her crying made myself and Jenny tear up. I had no idea that at this point (years past) it had effected her this way. At that very moment, I knew the impact my mum had on my friends, and felt loved and safe again.

I met Tina's parents a few years ago, her mummy sent me a wonderful phone message saying that if I ever needed anything she was there for me. Of course I'd never take her up on it, I'm not that type of person.
Finally met her, and instantly LOVED her mum and knew the kind of person she was. She walked up to me (First time meeting) and just hugged me, like only a mum can. I cried like I've never before. This was my new family.  Tina and her sister have always been good to me, now her mum, dad and sisters wife had just opened their arms and home to me to allow me to be a spazz in a safe environment.

Since then I've spent ever holiday with that family.. they are my family.
My friends are my chosen family.

Fast forward 4 years...

We put Dad in a home a year later, he had Alzheimer's. Totally different kind of loss. I was not the best daughter when it came to visiting him in the home we put him in. The first one, he wasn't on the right floor, (He needed 24 hours supervision and was on a semi independent floor due to shortage of beds) he wouldn't wear his diaper and slipped and fell in his own urine. The first time hitting his head, the second time breaking his hip... needless to say my oldest brother coughed up the difference to put him in a private home with much better care.

Once we moved him, I only visited him two times. I justified it at the time. I just COULDN'T watch another parent wither away into nothing then die. So my siblings respected it and still very angry about my mum death, I couldn't see ahead how it would effect me later in life.

Enter my friends....

I got the call at work that he passed away and tried SOOOO hard to hold it together. I had just been promoted into a new management position for a brand new department. I then broke down, at work. I walked to the bathroom and crumbled to the ground. I had no control, my hands were waving about and hyper ventilating.

MY BOSS happened to be in one of the stalls. When you're that grief stricken, you don't think about how you look to anyone, but they handled me with such care...
I'm not one for drugs, ... but gawd bless Candis's soul for sedating me with Valium.

We're now at the home and my siblings are squawking about what to dress my father in. My oldest sister picks out some HORRIBLE outfit stripes and plaid.... oh gawd... my niece says soooo seriously and loudly. OVER HIS DEAD BODY YOU WILL NOT DRESS HIM THAT!!!!
Everyone looked at her gasping, like she killed him herself... I laughed out loud, more like a cackle. It was the best thing I've heard all day. lol

Not sure when I called my friends or when they arrived, but a few days before we were at the home and I couldn't bare to touch my dad, talk to him, anything. Connie walked up to him held his hand and talked to him.... (We've always looked a lot alike.. mistaken for each other by both sides of the family).
In my head she was being me. I couldn't do it.
I don't think I ever did touch him. kiss him goodbye , (I'm sure I did though).
I was scared for my mental health and just couldn't do it again...

In the end, as time passes, songs like Edwin's "Eyes of a child" bring me to tears and to my knees.
I kill myself more and more wishing I had handled it better, and wonder if my dad knew. Knew I why I couldn't bare to be too close to him when he got sick.

I know when the days I did see him, he didn't know who I was or when I arrived, then would have a moment of clarity and say "HI Sami.. how are you"? Then 10 mins later ask if I was his nurse. It killed me.
Now years later, maybe survivors guilt of sorts, I wish I had just sucked it up and said the things I wanted to in his ear, like I did my mum in her last days.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could take it back, do it differently, for my own mental health. I have to make myself believe that he knew. He was the strong silent type and was far from stupid.

So Dad, I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier. I'm so very proud of you, who you are, the things you did for our family our mum, raising me to not be a hellian and ended up on the straight and narrow. For being the strong silent type, the provider, and for raising me in your own ways but teaching me lessons the hard way rather than just giving me shit. For beating my ass when I was young and got in serious trouble.. (Never made that mistake twice). For loving my crazy siblings, and my mum. Without you, life would have been a whole lot different. For teaching me about cars, tools, how to cut grass, the environment, money, and giving me the freedom to be bad to a certain extent. Introducing me to Newcastle beer when I was of age, and watching Hurling together. Smoking your pipe with cheery tobacco & stinking up the house. But now, it makes me smile to see an elderly man sitting smoking a pipe. I always sit near them and strike a conversation of sorts just to be near them for a bit.

My friends think I'm crazy, but know there is more than meets the eyes when I do shit like this and never call me out on it.... those are my friends.

I recently met someone here on myspace and our friendship is blossoming like those of friends I have now... she told me recently that she was looking forward to building strong relationships with strong brilliant women(Something among those lines) and it made me realize that I haven't thanked my friends enough lately for just being them, for loving me when I'm crazy, sane and everything in between.

I hope that I'm lucky enough to be half the person my friends are to me.

My friends are my chosen family.

My friends humble me.