11 Years Today

...you passed away. There isn't a day where I don't think about you at some point in the day. Even if it's a split second imagine in my head. You're there.
There are times when it feels like weeks, and other times it feels much longer than it has been, that I was robbed of your life.

I lost all faith in religion when your time was up. Hated the universe for a very long time.
It's only been in the last few years I'm starting to feel a new normal. A new me. A grown, matured me.

Squeak and I talk still, almost every day. She is holding up her end of the bargain to always be there for me. And I'm so ever thankful for that. She has been a wonderful confidant. Though she is getting more quirky in her old age. lol. She can still drink sailors under the table. She misses you. More than I could imagine. You two had a kindred connection, the way LC and I do.

I'm sure you're aware of LC's stress as of late.  Keep an eye on her. Give her that silent voice, fire in the belly that gives her strength to be strong and separate emotion from the reality that has become her life, just long enough for her to do the right thing, before her life is taken from her.

BTW, I know when you visit. Always have, so you can stop being sneaky about it. ;-)
My hands smell like your cigarettes from time to time. Other people can smell it on me. It's those times I know you're checking in on me.  I'm okay. I've embraced being the sensitive one. I miss you so much it's painful at times. However I learn from it daily.

I tried to be the glue to keep the family together, but the siblings had their own agenda. Very recently, we're all making the effort to rebuild a rapport.  I took a break from trying or even caring for a few years.  You'll be happy to know family back east has never skipped a beat at making me feel like family. Telling me they love me. Call for no reason. Send postcards with little notes, just because. I'm making the effort to get on a plane this fall and spend some time there. Do not worry, we'll be making the drive to the family plot and drinking some champagne and plant some flowers where you were spread out.  I'll try not to have the bottle explode this time when I crack it open over Nanny's tombstone. Drinks for everyone! ;-)

I'm sure you're having a blast. Now that you have Dad, Nanny, Grandpa, Eric, Art, May and now George with you. Stay out of trouble okay? I know how you are when the group of you guys get together. ;-)

Although I can not drink til October/November, I'll employ Squeak to have a few glasses of wine over a phone call tonight for me. :)

Though the tradition of printing this letter out and burning it, so the ashes can find you, so you can read it, still exists in my mind, it's not possible to do, as I'd probably get arrested or something.

Still in my heart.
Love Sami.
xo