This pretty much sums up my love life now.
I'm so tired.
Tired of people disappointing me. Telling me how to feel.
What not to feel. That I shouldn't be
so sensitive. To be more sensitive.
To roll with it, not to roll with it.
That, that person is no good for me, but that person is,
and when either one fails, I'm the stupid one.
How Stupid Could I Be?
I'm so tired of people telling me what to do.
Some changes are being made, and frankly, there are going to be
a lot of unhappy people at the receiving
end of my new life.
Life has just handed me more than my emotional levels
are capable of handling.
Life and love all shit on me to the utmost
limits this week/end.
Of course the first question I ask is:
"What am *I* doing wrong?"
Why is it we naturally jump to the conclusion
that it's something we've done?
Something we're lacking?
I've fallen for a bunch a lines lately,
and yet while they were lines from cowards,
I'm the bad person in this?
How do you figure?
I can't breath in the right direction right now
without someone shitting on me for doing wrong,
not good enough, or shouldn't be doing
it at all.
There is a lot of "Hi Kettle, meet Pot", lately.
I don't understand why or how
I'm the villain calling this bullshit on
people?
It's okay for them to do A, B, C.
But not for me?
I'm crushed on so many levels. Let down, disappointed.
I've been made to feel unloved. Unworthy of love.
Just unworthy of... everything it seems.
I'm useless in everything.
The stupid one.
Until now. I thought I was smart.
Had wits about me.
Could call bullshit.
I don't know my head from my ass right now.
On any level.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
I don't know what I believe in anymore.
I don't have the strength to defend any convictions anymore.
I'm lost.
I've lost myself.
My beliefs.
My Love for myself.
If it wasn't for the fact, I have to go to work
daily, I could curl up in a ball. Get drunk
and fuck the this life I'm living.
For a bit anyway.
I'm sorry to hear this - it really sucks to have a load of crap all hit at once.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote about whether to ask yourself "what am I doing wrong?" and about how others want to portray you as the "bad person" when they may have been at least as involved in whatever happened. I don't know the details, but I wanted to say that I don't think it's essential to label anything as "wrong" or "bad" - I think you can be gentler to yourself by instead thinking "what might I do differently in future?" I sometimes try to look for patterns in the past and ways to change them, but I don't know if now's not a helpful time for me to be suggesting any of this.
Either way, I hope it all starts to feel less crappy soon.
Thanks Matt. I am making changes..... when am I not it seems. Called my shrink cos there is more at the root that keeps me attracting such negativity from ppl.
ReplyDelete