Epic Melt Downs

Going hand in hand with the hormonal adjustment my body is going through, I've been having epic meltdowns.  They seems rational at the time. However, composing myself professionally, and well, just like a human being are becoming more difficult. Once it passes, I look back, humiliated at the things I thought, the actions I performed, things I might have said. I can't fathom how I could be so irrational in the moment.

Thankfully my GM is great, and understanding. She has been supportive. She only knows as she caught me in the restroom having an episode.

Needless to say, the last 2.5 weeks have been hell. Didn't get out of bed, eat, shower. I went to work and went thru the motions of being a human performing socially acceptable behaviour.

It's been a rough couple weeks. In the end, after speaking with a psychologist, I've had to accept that I've been, and do suffer from moderate-severe depression, and anxiety. Admitting to you Blog-family is way easier than admitting it to those I converse with in my face to face life.

I didn't understand, or really know what the symptoms were. I just thought you suck it up to a bad few days. The anxiety was a kicker. Now that I've been educating myself on it, I'm learning to use the tools to manage it. I did mention to both practitioners that I was at the point of taking any medication they felt would help. If any of you know me in real life, outside of my thyroid medication, and the occasional prescription for an infection, I don't take any drugs. I avoid Advil and all that stuff the best I can. That being said, they knew i was in need of help if I was willing to go this route. It may not be forever, just long enough to get under control so I don't lose it while I'm at work, in public etc. I never knew before how badly anxiety could be debilitating. It's scary.

To do my part, I've had to disclose this information to a few people. My personal trainer. An employer, a few friends. My trainer was important so she knew when I was making excuses not to go to the gym, it wasn't just I didn't want to go, it was I couldn't go. I've warned her there may be tears during some workouts. I need to know she can handle it. Not to take it personally. It's a process.
Thankfully she's a tough cookie.

I haven't missed any work as a result. Although my performance and personality are less than stellar when in the moment.
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One sibling is still being a nut. Something in her brain has snapped, that prevents her from the reality you and I live in, and the one in her head. They're not in sync. I've had to cut her out of my life for the time being. She was calling me at work attacking me. Calling my employer wanting to know why I won't take her calls. Seriously? Venting her grievances on our family FB page. Which I'm the administrator, so I delete them and have warned her not to go that route or she'll be deleted. The issues she thinks she's having with me haven't happened. She's created them. Her husband who never gets involved, has done just that. Gotten involved. That's huge.

That's all I have for now.