I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve.

I entered the dating scene again after taking some time off. Changed my strategy, who I talked too, what we did on dates etc. It all seemed to be working out well, until I found myself smitten.

I have crushes all the time. But to be smitten? It's a whole other ball game. Instant connection. Tones in common. We both felt like we'd known each other forever. It was that comfortable from our first date.

Long story short. It didn't work out. He said all the right things, some seemingly sincere, others, what he thought I needed to hear. In the end, his actions and mixed signals did not match up with his words. Essentially, turning me into a lunatic.

It's been a week since our last date, which btw, was great. Made plans for this weekend..... it's been 6 days since I've spoken, texted, or had any kind of contact with him, in any media.  Sooooooooo, being too smart for my own good, I looked up his dating profile, it's still inactive. Hmmmm... He's not answering my calls, but he answered a call from my blocked landline. Ouch. I didn't say anything, hung up, and deleted him from my life.

Is that how men break up with girls these days? Just ignore them?
I'm crushed. I put myself out there 100%, putting trust into the whole process of not over thinking things to death, just rolling with it. Letting a great date be great, and a great kiss be a great kiss etc. Feeling the moment, rather than over thinking it, plotting it's end before it's even begun.

And where did it get me? Hurt. It's been a long time since I've liked someone this much, so quickly. The last 3 times I like this, all 3 ended up in long term relationships.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while some would say; "don't", I can't change how I feel when I feel it. I'm going to feel sorry for myself for a few days, then forget about it. Can't move on til I can think about him without crying.  Ya, I cried, hard.

It seems to be all I do these days. For no reason, for all reasons, for roommate reasons, for people letting me down, for not loving myself more etc.. so many things, and nothing at the same time. I cry.  Could be that time of year. Christmas is always hard.

I had to force myself to go to the company Christmas party, putting a smile on my face, and I tell ya.... I've got to get a new poker face. People can just tell I'm faking it. Thankfully the women I work with are not the type to pry. They just rub your arm, say something pretty, smile like they understand, words aren't needed.

I went to a friends family function tonight, where she notified them all of my boy trouble before I got there. Normally, I'd be pissed, but I've known these mutual friends for decades, having my own rapport with them, it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me, even when I don't get to see them that often, they just care.  No one made a big deal out of it, just letting me sit quietly enjoying the night without the pressures of having to be super social. I'm usually the life of the party with this particular group, they've come to expect it of me. This time, they entertained me. As well as their kids, who as loud as they can be, were fun. One crawled onto my lap and just snuggled into me. She's all of 4 yrs old, I looked at her Dad, to take her away cos I was about to lose my composure. But the snuggle was what I needed for the brief moment it was before I had to excuse myself.

Those of you who read me here over the years, know I do not like to lose any kind of composure.

It's yet another funk. I"m sure I'll bounce back. Silver lining being; I'm now 100% sure I'm ready for another relationship. Not sure how I'll go about meeting someone, or if I'll change anything about the I do things, but I'm open to it. I just have to bubble wrap my heart from being crushed too badly, or too often.

The Back-Up Boyfriend is 100% out.

Lately, we've been going at it from a different angle. One I suggested from the start.
"Get to re-know, re-learn, about each other. Build a romantic rapport".

I know a lot of guys seem to think sleeping together first, THEN, getting to know each other is the way etc. It's just backwards, and I've never fallen for it, unless of course I'm in it just for the sex.

We've been getting to know each other again, right down to the important things, like past relationships, sexual health, thoughts on ex's etc.

Turns out, he is not someone I can date casually or exclusively. We have mutual friends. One of which I dated for many years back in high school. He knows we're still friends, and we get together for dinner when he's in town. Suddenly, if we're to be exclusive, he has an issue with that. Um, what? Ya. He strongly worded that he would have an issue with me remaining friends with this ex.

I couldn't help but laugh really. I made it clear that no man would ever tell me who I couldn't be friends with, on any level. Then what? What I wear, who I hang out with? If he had an issue with it, those were his. A boyfriend of mine would have to trust me to be faithful. Regardless what the intentions of the other person are.

He doesn't believe ex's can be friends.  I do. He made his points, while valid to some degree, I made mine, and decided we couldn't compromise. He refuse to see my points as valid, and frankly was quiet condescending.

We didn't have to have the discussion about not dating when he dropped me off, when I declined his own invite to come up to my apartment.

There will be no more chances. No more humouring the idea of us dating. Whilst he's entitled to his opinion of dating etc, I'm entitled to mine.

In addition, I've also declined all other offers of dating, hooking up, on any level with, that are on the table.

You have to bring more to the table than sexual advances. If you're not walking the walk you present, I simply won't be bothered.

taking control

I called my shrink tonight.  yup.
I've met my emotional limit. A limit I haven't been anywhere near in sometime.

If one more person shits on me I might lose the last strand of sanity, self esteem and stability I have over my mental health.

Let's hope she will take me on again as a patient.

How Stupid Could I Be?

This pretty much sums up my love life now.

I'm so tired.

Tired of people disappointing me. Telling me how to feel.

What not to feel. That I shouldn't be

so sensitive. To be more sensitive.

To roll with it, not to roll with it.

That, that person is no good for me, but that person is,

and when either one fails, I'm the stupid one.

How Stupid Could I Be?

I'm so tired of people telling me what to do.

Some changes are being made, and frankly, there are going to be

a lot of unhappy people at the receiving

end of my new life.

Life has just handed me more than my emotional levels

are capable of handling.

Life and love all shit on me to the utmost

limits this week/end.

Of course the first question I ask is:

"What am *I* doing wrong?"

Why is it we naturally jump to the conclusion

that it's something we've done?

Something we're lacking?

I've fallen for a bunch a lines lately,

and yet while they were lines from cowards,

 I'm the bad person in this?

How do you figure?

I can't breath in the right direction right now

without someone shitting on me for doing wrong,

not good enough, or shouldn't be doing

it at all.

There is a lot of "Hi Kettle, meet Pot", lately.

I don't understand why or how

I'm the villain calling this bullshit on

people?

It's okay for them to do A, B, C.

But not for me?

I'm crushed on so many levels. Let down, disappointed.

I've been made to feel unloved. Unworthy of love.

Just unworthy of... everything it seems.

I'm useless in everything.

The stupid one.

Until now. I thought I was smart.

Had wits about me.

Could call bullshit.

I don't know my head from my ass right now.

On any level.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

I don't have the strength to defend any convictions anymore.

I'm lost.

I've lost myself.

My beliefs.

My Love for myself.

If it wasn't for the fact, I have to go to work

daily, I could curl up in a ball. Get drunk

and fuck the this life I'm living.

For a bit anyway.

STOP POKING THE FRIGGIN BEAR ALREADY!!!

I have completely lost my shit on the roommate.
We were good when he got home yesterday, and that lasted for all of about a few hours.

I've been going to bed a few hours later than I should, and I'm tired in the morning. I'm always tired in the morning, regardless. However, a week or so ago, he mentioned I should go to bed earlier etc. He meant well. I asked him to nudge me every now and then to remind me etc. He agreed.

He hasn't. Instead is waltz's into the living room at 11pm, as I'm packing up and getting ready for bed, yells at me that I should learn to take better care of myself. Went on to say a few other things. Had he not used the tone and volume he did, I think I MIGHT have reacted differently. Not to mention he swung from a very raw nerve I haven't had to deal with in a long, long time.

I lost it completely. I went from mild, subdued, ready for bed, to: someone call the cops, she's going to kill me. I yelled screamed at him, at a volume to which only dogs can hear. He went to his room, shutting the door behind him. Smart, cos I stood on the other side of that door, and continued to lost my shit on him for another few minutes.

Went to bed mad. Got up mad. When he exited his room, I was standing there still yelling at him, "Ooooh look at this, I'm up, and ready to go... Not bad for someone who can't look after themselves, wouldn't you say?:!!" He said nothing, locked his door and left the apartment. As I yelled 'HAVE A GREAT FUCKING DAY!!!" at the top of my lungs  at 630am this morning.

I calmed down through out the day, starting to become embarrassed, and increasingly angrier. Not at the roommate, well sort of, but at the fact I lost my shit over my own issues. He couldn't have known that was a raw nerve that he swung from.

I wrote him an email apologizing for my reaction, but made it clear I wasn't impressed was his snide remarks anymore, and that he'd pushed it entirely too far this time around. We had recently had a a conversation about my weight, and how he motivates me, has NEVER-not once, made me feel fat etc..

Since that convo last week, he has been tapping into my insecurities, teasing me, and managed not only to make me feel fat, he made me feel ugly, and worthless.

Dude, sharing the facts that you've never made me feel those things before; wasn't an invited challenge.

I have worked so hard, for so many years to keep my temper under wraps. Sure I get mad like anyone else, although I've learned to use my tools to keep calm, fight fair, and factual. Not this time. It's like he's unravelled all those years of work.

I'm still fairly livid with him, his antics, bullshit demands about me not being allowed to have men over when he's home, but he can screw tones of women (who are not his girlfriend) etc, Hi Kettle, meet Pot.

That will be changing, regardless how it makes him feel. He's home this weekend, along with his gf spending the night. I don't care about that. It just happens to be on the same weekend, I have a few dates lined up. He tried to tell me I'd have to rearrange them etc, "no sleep overs".... I hadn't planned on it, but I am now! Fuck you. You rent a room from me. You are my roommate, not my parent, and even if he was, I'm 40 friggin yrs old.. I will do as I please. As much as I would love for him to feel at home, he does not get to dictate my dating, love, sex life to me.

I usually refrain from having anyone over during the week, cos he's studying etc. I'm respectful of that. Although he does what he wants, with little notice, and now, I will too. If I go on a date mid-week, and want to bring someone back to the apt on a Wednesday night, I'm going too. Deal with it.

Grrrr this bear is still wound up tight.