It seems that building character and growing, never ends.
This time, it's all for the better.
I broke up with two longest friendships. One of 39 years (my mums best friend) and my best friend of 28 years. Neither of which have been bringing anything positive to my life in years. It's not a big dramatic ending. I simply decided I'm worth more. I deleted them from my phones, and all social media.
Since then, I've cried. A lot. One, for grieving the end of long relationship, that weren't enough, or too much.
Second, crying to release all the bad, negative energy they've encapsulated me with over the years.
I honestly thought I'd make this decision, wake up the next day, and be brand spanking new. That's not what's happening at all. I guess it takes time to release.
I was told once, the hardest decisions, are usually the best ones. This seems to be ringing true.
I'll miss the good memories, and even the persons. Although I won't miss the negative ongoing drama.
I reject the drama. I have my own well being and mental health to consider. If that makes me selfish, so be it. It's ME time. Me first. I know I've said it before. Many times even. It's been a ongoing process of stepping stones. Ones I'm no longer scared of slipping on.:D
Another break up.. A co-worker.
Her drama, she has more than half the office involved in... her personal life affects her work load. Which in turns affects other departments. I do not have the energy to help her. I've advised her, I can not be there for her. She is only to come to me for the positive stuff. I'm not equipped to deal with her drama, especially when she has no intentions of doing anything about it.She was annoyed and said I was abandoning her in her time of need... My response was, are the other 9 people you confide in, not enough? Come on seriously, even work gave her a private loan. A substantial one, cos she's beyond in debt, yet, refuses to pull her kids out of private school. Wont drop the nanny. Or the maid. Has three cell phones. (1) for boys (2) one for her ex and kids (3) I'm not even sure why.... I'm sorry, but if you're living way beyond your means, and can fix it, but won't, or even attempt.... I can't be around you.
As this may read as a negative post. It's not. It's a very huge step forward, in a great way.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Friday, 10 April 2015
Pregnant, Peri-menopause, Men, Love, Friends.... It's a novel.
I've been looking back on my post, and sadly realize I haven't logged on since Xmas. oops.
I can't even say, I've been reading any of you. I haven't. I'm sorry. I do miss you. I'm catching up...right now!
Nothing much is going on.
I'm working with a personal trainer. Took up golf lessons, and turns out, I have some natural talent. woot woot. I gave up on love, and went to delete my dating account, only to meet a man, who, if he is everything in person, as he is on the phone.. I may not be single much longer... :D
okay, back to the title of this post. Just general updates really.
I'm 16 days late for my period. 2 months ago I was 10 days late. All HPT have been negative. Although this one being the longest, I'm making a doctor apt. Simply for the fact, if it's ectopic, I want it taken care of, before it takes care of me! Otherwise, I think my doctor will have a hard time denying any longer that I'm indeed/probably peri-menopausal. All the women in my family were smack-dab in it by their early 40's. Exactly where I am now. MIDDLE AGED! fml. At least I don't look my age. I'd say 5 years younger.
Men:
There are two. One is in the running. The other I've dropped into the friend zone. He brings everything to the table I'm looking for... sadly, I'm not attracted to him, physically, or emotionally. Mentally I am. It's not enough so I've discovered. He'll be a great friend, and I'm going to enjoy his company immensely , should he be okay with only being friends.
Love:
I'm still in love with the ex. We've making efforts to be friends. We get along etc.
With my luck, when the man in the above paragraph obtains my love, my ex will probably decide he wants to be with me. I'll deal with that, when/if that happens.
Friends:
The gf who gave me an ultimatum learned it was a stupid request. She still has made no effort to delete my ex from her life. I call her out on stupidity, with a mixture of support. I rarely see her in person anymore.
I've made no excuses for deleting people from my life that do not pose a positive outlook. Don't get me wrong, we all have a few friends we love to bitch too etc.. but they do not need to be the dominant presence in our lives. :D
In all the years leading to this moment. I own who I am. I like her. I'm learning to love her. I'm giving her a break. It doesn't all need to be black and white. There is a lot of grey areas, and many, many, stepping stones to go. Failure doesn't have to be a negative. You tried it. Decided if it was stupid, fun, lame, awesome..... and went from there. The point. You tried it. Poo-poo it after you give it a fair chance. Whatever it may be. :D and that's the new way I roll.
Ladies and gentlemen... that's all I have ... today.
I'll make more effort to post more. If not for you, for myself own sanity. :D
I can't even say, I've been reading any of you. I haven't. I'm sorry. I do miss you. I'm catching up...right now!
Nothing much is going on.
I'm working with a personal trainer. Took up golf lessons, and turns out, I have some natural talent. woot woot. I gave up on love, and went to delete my dating account, only to meet a man, who, if he is everything in person, as he is on the phone.. I may not be single much longer... :D
okay, back to the title of this post. Just general updates really.
I'm 16 days late for my period. 2 months ago I was 10 days late. All HPT have been negative. Although this one being the longest, I'm making a doctor apt. Simply for the fact, if it's ectopic, I want it taken care of, before it takes care of me! Otherwise, I think my doctor will have a hard time denying any longer that I'm indeed/probably peri-menopausal. All the women in my family were smack-dab in it by their early 40's. Exactly where I am now. MIDDLE AGED! fml. At least I don't look my age. I'd say 5 years younger.
Men:
There are two. One is in the running. The other I've dropped into the friend zone. He brings everything to the table I'm looking for... sadly, I'm not attracted to him, physically, or emotionally. Mentally I am. It's not enough so I've discovered. He'll be a great friend, and I'm going to enjoy his company immensely , should he be okay with only being friends.
Love:
I'm still in love with the ex. We've making efforts to be friends. We get along etc.
With my luck, when the man in the above paragraph obtains my love, my ex will probably decide he wants to be with me. I'll deal with that, when/if that happens.
Friends:
The gf who gave me an ultimatum learned it was a stupid request. She still has made no effort to delete my ex from her life. I call her out on stupidity, with a mixture of support. I rarely see her in person anymore.
I've made no excuses for deleting people from my life that do not pose a positive outlook. Don't get me wrong, we all have a few friends we love to bitch too etc.. but they do not need to be the dominant presence in our lives. :D
In all the years leading to this moment. I own who I am. I like her. I'm learning to love her. I'm giving her a break. It doesn't all need to be black and white. There is a lot of grey areas, and many, many, stepping stones to go. Failure doesn't have to be a negative. You tried it. Decided if it was stupid, fun, lame, awesome..... and went from there. The point. You tried it. Poo-poo it after you give it a fair chance. Whatever it may be. :D and that's the new way I roll.
Ladies and gentlemen... that's all I have ... today.
I'll make more effort to post more. If not for you, for myself own sanity. :D
Sunday, 28 December 2014
To-Do-List-2015
2014 wasn't shy of it's turmoil.
Betrayal, love, love lost, self realisation, self respect, friends lost & gained.
In the last 7 weeks there was a lot of frustration, and anger towards my roommates family. As unbeknown to us, when they gave us a 3 yr old cat cos they had to move, that the cat was beyond ill.
Turned out she had advance kidney disease. Not that I couldn't deal with that, but lying to both of us, and then get mad at me, when I enquire with a new vet, who called theirs, to confirm the blood work. They gave us a sick cat. Whom after dropping a grand into her, trying to get her healthy, cos she really was a sweet sweet thing. She stopped responding to medication, and stopped eating pretty close all together.
Dec 23rd, I had to put her down. Didn't have her 7 weeks. I'm still mad, and sad. At the betrayal, the lies, and that I am responsible for having to make the decision to give her mercy. While her previous humans of 3 years were too cowardly to do it themselves.
Work is work. I'm at a stand still with my department manager, and what her "expectations are", and what my contract entitles my responsibilities to be. I already give way more than I'm required to give, and yet told repeatedly, that she feels I'm giving her the bare minimum. No matter how much I give, she will find a reason to withhold a performance raise. We do get cost of living, Xmas bonuses and department bonuses etc. Although it's the pride of being given a raise for a job well done. I decided to stop busting my ass, and only give what my contract states I must give. Not an ounce more. She doesn't look at the job being done, deadlines being met with conflicting priorities, and with amazing accuracy. She looks at it as me being defiant. sigh.
Love. Well, its ongoing. And always a work in progress. I've decided again to put the search for love on the back burner. Doesn't mean I'm not having some fun with ex's and friends, but that's for my own sanity. Not for love. ......
Which brings us to the To-Do-List 2015.
I'm tired of waiting on friends to get their shit together, or their "rolling with it" attitudes to make in my direction. I've dropped some without regret or hesitation, cos they're not a positive light in my life.
So. Here are the following things I'm doing this year.
Paddle boarding lessons. - Booked and paid for
Buy golf clubs, and start lessons again.
Tennis lessons....
Swimming lessons. I can swim, but want to make the most of my time in the water. Since I'm the most relaxed and happy in the water.
More road trips.
.... that's about it for now. More to follow I'm sure.
Betrayal, love, love lost, self realisation, self respect, friends lost & gained.
In the last 7 weeks there was a lot of frustration, and anger towards my roommates family. As unbeknown to us, when they gave us a 3 yr old cat cos they had to move, that the cat was beyond ill.
Turned out she had advance kidney disease. Not that I couldn't deal with that, but lying to both of us, and then get mad at me, when I enquire with a new vet, who called theirs, to confirm the blood work. They gave us a sick cat. Whom after dropping a grand into her, trying to get her healthy, cos she really was a sweet sweet thing. She stopped responding to medication, and stopped eating pretty close all together.
Dec 23rd, I had to put her down. Didn't have her 7 weeks. I'm still mad, and sad. At the betrayal, the lies, and that I am responsible for having to make the decision to give her mercy. While her previous humans of 3 years were too cowardly to do it themselves.
Work is work. I'm at a stand still with my department manager, and what her "expectations are", and what my contract entitles my responsibilities to be. I already give way more than I'm required to give, and yet told repeatedly, that she feels I'm giving her the bare minimum. No matter how much I give, she will find a reason to withhold a performance raise. We do get cost of living, Xmas bonuses and department bonuses etc. Although it's the pride of being given a raise for a job well done. I decided to stop busting my ass, and only give what my contract states I must give. Not an ounce more. She doesn't look at the job being done, deadlines being met with conflicting priorities, and with amazing accuracy. She looks at it as me being defiant. sigh.
Love. Well, its ongoing. And always a work in progress. I've decided again to put the search for love on the back burner. Doesn't mean I'm not having some fun with ex's and friends, but that's for my own sanity. Not for love. ......
Which brings us to the To-Do-List 2015.
I'm tired of waiting on friends to get their shit together, or their "rolling with it" attitudes to make in my direction. I've dropped some without regret or hesitation, cos they're not a positive light in my life.
So. Here are the following things I'm doing this year.
Paddle boarding lessons. - Booked and paid for
Buy golf clubs, and start lessons again.
Tennis lessons....
Swimming lessons. I can swim, but want to make the most of my time in the water. Since I'm the most relaxed and happy in the water.
More road trips.
.... that's about it for now. More to follow I'm sure.
Monday, 22 September 2014
I'm Back & Fully Pissed Off!
I have to write here, and none of it is going to be good, happy, go-lucky, make ya feel good stories.
I'm mad. What else is new when I write here!?
First I'm sick. I have either strep or tonsillitis, again.I'm not showing clear specific signs of infection, but the doctor feels, with having been run down the last couple weeks, and running a fever, my glands have swollen enough for it warrant medication.
I was sick Thursday. Left mid-day Friday. I'm off again today, and most likely tomorrow for good measure.
I emailed all the appropriate people at the office to inform them I'd be off. Daily.
Receive an email from my boss today, thanking me for being in touch, and to call her when I'm up and let her know my status. Fair enough.
I call and first thing out of her mouth is: "how do you know you're sick?" ummm... how do I answer this without calling her out for asking such a retarded question in the first place?
Second, she informs me how unimpressed she is with the way I called in. What?
She didn't like that I emailed her 12 hours before my shift started. And that she would like an email AND a phone call each morning I feel I'm going to be off.
What? What difference does it make when I make that decision to email/call/text when I know I'm not going to be well enough to come in??? Nope. She wants the call each morning. Frustrated at the stupidity I'm being subjected too, I got mad at her. Asking her what difference it makes as to when I call? She goes on to inform me, that she'll discuss this with me when I decide to come back to work. That this isn't a phone call kind of conversation. What? Decide to come back to work? I'M SICK!
More frustrated I hung up on her, and called the HR department. This is total bullshit.
First words out of HR was, "omg you sound horrible!" I explain the previous conversation, and my frustrations, and yes that I got mad at my supervisor. It was explained that it is in our company policy to call in each morning when you're not coming in. Ok, fair enough. We have people in the office who are notorious for calling in on a Friday and Monday for the extended weekend of drinking. I am not one of those people. And it's clear to anyone who talks to, or knows me.
My workload and deadlines are always met on time, if not earlier, if I know I'm going to be away for any reason. So to treat me as I'm some sort of chronic delinquent employee was the breaking point. People seriously need to pick their battles more carefully. I'm sure this will blow over, but I'm at my limit with people and their petty stupidity.
Two weeks ago, I found out waaaaaaaaaay after the fact the last guy and I dated that he lied to me the whole time. How I found out is not relevant, the point is I found out. When confronted he again lied. So did our mutual friend. In the two years I dated this guy on and off, he was sleeping with other women. Lots of them! We were having unprotected sex, and I asked him several times, to protect our health, he swore up and down he was. He wasn't. He put my health at risk. I've since had all my blood work and pap's done.
I don't deal well at all when I learn people I put my trust and love into lie to me. It's unforgivable.
So the stress of that, stupidity of others, I've been worn down, become ill, and have met my emotional, mental, and physical limit. There have been more tears from the betrayal. What blows my mind is how he constantly inquires about being friends, and that he didn't lie to me about anything. As much as I want to believe him, I wouldn't trust a single word he said. Ever. Same with our mutual friend. She's no better.
I guess highschool never ends, it's just more money, better clothes and cars. Same pile of shit though.
It's official. My ability to trust anyone moving forward has been destroyed. He did that.
My bullshit detector is defective.
I'm mad. What else is new when I write here!?
First I'm sick. I have either strep or tonsillitis, again.I'm not showing clear specific signs of infection, but the doctor feels, with having been run down the last couple weeks, and running a fever, my glands have swollen enough for it warrant medication.
I was sick Thursday. Left mid-day Friday. I'm off again today, and most likely tomorrow for good measure.
I emailed all the appropriate people at the office to inform them I'd be off. Daily.
Receive an email from my boss today, thanking me for being in touch, and to call her when I'm up and let her know my status. Fair enough.
I call and first thing out of her mouth is: "how do you know you're sick?" ummm... how do I answer this without calling her out for asking such a retarded question in the first place?
Second, she informs me how unimpressed she is with the way I called in. What?
She didn't like that I emailed her 12 hours before my shift started. And that she would like an email AND a phone call each morning I feel I'm going to be off.
What? What difference does it make when I make that decision to email/call/text when I know I'm not going to be well enough to come in??? Nope. She wants the call each morning. Frustrated at the stupidity I'm being subjected too, I got mad at her. Asking her what difference it makes as to when I call? She goes on to inform me, that she'll discuss this with me when I decide to come back to work. That this isn't a phone call kind of conversation. What? Decide to come back to work? I'M SICK!
More frustrated I hung up on her, and called the HR department. This is total bullshit.
First words out of HR was, "omg you sound horrible!" I explain the previous conversation, and my frustrations, and yes that I got mad at my supervisor. It was explained that it is in our company policy to call in each morning when you're not coming in. Ok, fair enough. We have people in the office who are notorious for calling in on a Friday and Monday for the extended weekend of drinking. I am not one of those people. And it's clear to anyone who talks to, or knows me.
My workload and deadlines are always met on time, if not earlier, if I know I'm going to be away for any reason. So to treat me as I'm some sort of chronic delinquent employee was the breaking point. People seriously need to pick their battles more carefully. I'm sure this will blow over, but I'm at my limit with people and their petty stupidity.
Two weeks ago, I found out waaaaaaaaaay after the fact the last guy and I dated that he lied to me the whole time. How I found out is not relevant, the point is I found out. When confronted he again lied. So did our mutual friend. In the two years I dated this guy on and off, he was sleeping with other women. Lots of them! We were having unprotected sex, and I asked him several times, to protect our health, he swore up and down he was. He wasn't. He put my health at risk. I've since had all my blood work and pap's done.
I don't deal well at all when I learn people I put my trust and love into lie to me. It's unforgivable.
So the stress of that, stupidity of others, I've been worn down, become ill, and have met my emotional, mental, and physical limit. There have been more tears from the betrayal. What blows my mind is how he constantly inquires about being friends, and that he didn't lie to me about anything. As much as I want to believe him, I wouldn't trust a single word he said. Ever. Same with our mutual friend. She's no better.
I guess highschool never ends, it's just more money, better clothes and cars. Same pile of shit though.
It's official. My ability to trust anyone moving forward has been destroyed. He did that.
My bullshit detector is defective.
Saturday, 6 September 2014
Ulitmatums
I was given an ultimatum a few days ago. "it's me or him".
The "me" is a girlfriend of mine, that I've been having trust issues with.
The "him" is a man I love. Who doesn't want me.
I've never picked a guy over a gf before. Let alone a guy who doesn't want me.
After reading the reasons the gf listed, and really, not all were off track. I am guilty of the things she said.
Being insecure being the No.#1 item on her list.Some were just simply mean. Not being baited into calling her out on a list of things, I closed my eyes, and chose to listen to my gut.
Even though she wrote a seemingly convincing argument for our friendship, the thought of choosing her over a man, red flags still went up.
She wants me to delete him from my life to save our friendship. Yet, she won't do the same.
She swears up and down, she's not into him, yet puts herself in places where there is a high chance of running into him.
It's not so much that I choose him, as much as I simply didn't choose her.
Instantly felt better. In my gut, I made the right choice.
Even though the man doesn't want me, I know where I stand with him. He's honest. Tells me the truth, even if it's not in my favour. With her.... she consistently says one thing, and does another, more often than not. Then tries to play it off with I luv u's and being all cute acting like the women in her life are what make her strong, then goes back to being shady, and inconsistent. It's not a habit that only occurs with me.
Never give people an ultimatum, less you're willing to walk away.
Cos it will never work out the way you hope.
The "me" is a girlfriend of mine, that I've been having trust issues with.
The "him" is a man I love. Who doesn't want me.
I've never picked a guy over a gf before. Let alone a guy who doesn't want me.
After reading the reasons the gf listed, and really, not all were off track. I am guilty of the things she said.
Being insecure being the No.#1 item on her list.Some were just simply mean. Not being baited into calling her out on a list of things, I closed my eyes, and chose to listen to my gut.
Even though she wrote a seemingly convincing argument for our friendship, the thought of choosing her over a man, red flags still went up.
She wants me to delete him from my life to save our friendship. Yet, she won't do the same.
She swears up and down, she's not into him, yet puts herself in places where there is a high chance of running into him.
It's not so much that I choose him, as much as I simply didn't choose her.
Instantly felt better. In my gut, I made the right choice.
Even though the man doesn't want me, I know where I stand with him. He's honest. Tells me the truth, even if it's not in my favour. With her.... she consistently says one thing, and does another, more often than not. Then tries to play it off with I luv u's and being all cute acting like the women in her life are what make her strong, then goes back to being shady, and inconsistent. It's not a habit that only occurs with me.
Never give people an ultimatum, less you're willing to walk away.
Cos it will never work out the way you hope.
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