Finding a more creative me.

There are a few blogs I read and I have to admit, I don't always read them for the context, I read a few of them for their writing style and fluent grace.
With that being said, some of those blogs who I did not start off reading for enjoyment, have indeed blessed me with some great words, challenge my thoughts, inspire me to be more creative in more than just my writing, which we all know needs something at times.

When I was younger, I was always told by friends and some siblings that I was "strange, or weird, maybe even odd" for the way my brain worked at times, whether it was the writings that would spew from my mind of chaos at the time or something to do with combining dance/gymnastics. (at the time the two were rarely messed together). For as long as I can remember, I've been journaling, by paper, by typewriter, and now of course, computer.
I believe when we were younger people called the "diaries". I've never called it that, cos it was never about if a boy liked me, and my entries never started off with "Dear Diary" etc. It's always been a source of venting, and somewhat creative.

I remember on two separate occasions;
1) turning in a personal journal entry as a paper in Gr 6 and won an award for most creative writing skills for my age.

2) Gr12 English, we were told to draw a piece of paper from a hat, and whatever the word was, that had to be the topic of our essay. There was probably a word cap, I do not remember.

I pulled the word "risk" and was to write about what I thought the word "risk" meant.
I sat there for an hour, becoming increasingly annoyed as the teacher would walk by our desks and tap on mine, whispering, "write something Samantha or you're going to fail"... dirty looks spewing at him every time he looked at me. What that teacher didn't know, was, I was done my essay the second I drew the topic. The paper was handed in at the end of the class, only with the title at the top, and my signature at the bottom.

A week later I was called into the principles office, to explain my shitty attitude to my teacher (his words- and at his request of course) I've never had an issue telling my authorities where to go or standing up for myself, cos I'm not one to be bullied. Not then, Not now.
Walking in, I was shocked to see half the staffing facility sitting there waiting for me.
For the first time, I was scared, not only for my grade.

A few looked impressed & glad to see me, that teacher, ugh. asshole. looking smug.
They sat me down and started talking. I don't remember what was said cos I was tuning out the "blah blah blah" for the most part until I heard the principle say, he and the facility took a vote and agreed, I was graded unfairly. They were over turning the grade the English teacher wanted to give me. As it turned out, all the staffing facility BUT the English teacher understood the paper I handed in.

"Risk" by definition to me, was handing the paper in blank. I got my first "A" in English.

I haven't felt that kind of creativity in my writing for a very long time. Granted, I'm using this blog to write about daily life etc, and do have another private blog that was powered by angst, heat of the moment feelings, extremely uncensored. That was some of my best work. You could feel the emotion in most of it, however I did not like the place a lot of came from.
I used that blog as a way to manage my sanity from losing my parents and life changing over all.
Not to mention the unconditional support I received from strangers who've become online friends. They've read the most uncensored, off kilter things coming from my brain and still talk to me. Those are great people. Its just a shame they all live on other continents. Thank Gawd for msn, skype, and web cams. We've grown together, become friends, invites to weddings, sharing family and new additions to the family via cams, its been a very surreal journey.

Now I'm on a different one, one for the stability of my future, my life, health, and over all growing into a better person. (constantly building character I didn't know I needed)
before my parents passed, I always felt I was on a different creative level than most of the people I hung out with. I was either smarter in ways, or just different. I've never really been one to beat to the drum society has said we should follow. Life changes. Siblings, parents, grandparents, children, friends, all die. That sounds harsh, I know. But when someone close to you dies, it has the ability to rock you to the core and change your very being. (and for those who do not know, it does NOT get easier with time, it gets different.)

With that said, since the passing of loved ones in my life, I changed. I just went along with the drum beat laid out before me, cos well, it was easier than following my own beat. For awhile.
Its been 11 years, and my friends have changed, views on the world, my own wants. I've learned things about myself I did not like, I learn things about my friends at the time that I no longer respected. My writing changed. It seems almost forced and edited for the most part.
I'm no longer writing from a darker place, cos I don't have too. But I've lost my style.

I've been reading those blogs, stealing styles etc, and hoping that eventually, it would naturally develop into something more... me. Shows my personality, what creativity I have left.

So please forgive the follow year of entries and cluster of different styles as I move forward and try to retap into what once drove me, and that I will once again hear that drum beat that is unique to me.

hmph.

Been feeling old this past month and really haven't been able to articulate those feelings.

Went out this past weekend to a friends band and I'm truly exhausted from all the laughing that was had... good times.

A conversation I had with a friend from the band, was all about how he turned 37 last year and something in his life shifted. His romantic interests had changed, and the chase of dating to pass the time was getting old. He now has a wonderful g/f who we all adore! In short, he was able to clear so much up for me, without him even knowing how I've been feeling.

Dating men younger than me or even the same age, who don't know what they want is no longer acceptable. I've been trying to be the future awesome g/f of compromise, I simply can not do it anymore. I'll compromise with a exclusive b/f when I have one.. not before.

I just realized how that sounded, but I'm sure you get the point I'm trying to make.
Its about my wants now. I have specific deal breakers.
...So I rewrote my profile, hoping to attract a different caliber of man.

This year has been hard for everything. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Birthdays, etc... its all just very hard. Lots of tears. I'm making changes in my life to be a better me, and as easy as that sounds, I some how feel I've lost myself. I'm not sure I know who I am anymore....is this normal?

I know what I want in life, just not having someone special to share it with is getting tiresome. I do not want to 40 and single. It shouldn't matter but it wont stop people from wondering what is wrong with, almost 40 and never been married. I'm used goods.

Joining a gym was the first step to making some changes for me to like myself again.
Not just for my health, but to feel bettter. I'm not liking a lot of things at the moment. I do not like the decor of my apt, my clothes, the fact I dont have a car anymore, my weight, I guess overall I my self esteem is taking a hit, cos I thought I'd be in a different place by 35. I'm still feeling my age right now.

Celebrate growing older...45 Lessons life IS teaching me....

I recieved the below in an email today. Funny how the timing works, cos I'm in a funk and needed to hear a lot of the following.

Its not too sappy, have a read, take from it what you will.
I've inserted my own comments in brackets back to the person who sent it.
Copy it, pass it on, I don't care. It's here for everyone.

Enjoy.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. (good point)

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...(I wish this was easier to do)

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. (I do, however it hasnt been a two way street lately)

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.(*cough*)

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (Thanks, that helps)

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
(wish someone had told me that when I was 15)

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about. (love this! soooo true, I need to stop being such a bitch)

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.(touche)

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.(this includes people)

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.(ahmen)

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, save it for a special occasion. Today is special. (I drink from crystal glasses everyday now)

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.(I live by this rule, it my quirk, it's what I'm known for)

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
(Hi Red Hat Society Ladies)

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.(hello to the penis in my brain)

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. (I fight with this one often)

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words. In five years, will this matter?'( oh thank gawd for this one, I needed to hear that)

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.(really?)

30. Time heals almost everything. (almost)

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
(harder said than done, but a valid point)

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. (probably, thanks)

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.(this is true, hard not to want more)

42. The best is yet to come.(I hope so)

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
(yes sir... will try harder from now on)

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a "gift."

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, ‘God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors...
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished.

They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.

But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

God said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.

The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand...'
'It is simple,' said God. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

I really like the last line of this whole post...

Ever feel OLD?

I feel my age today.
A little short w/people, not amused with the 20-something crowd I work with.

I have no *ha-ha* bone today. On the very serious side of things and I'm going to blame it on the face I haven't slept in sometime. I finally caved in and went and got some more sleeping pills. I've suffered from insomnia for many years, the more time goes by, the longer time apart are the episodes.

Anyone who's had this issue, knows what the signs are for themselves. Mine, are, my speech impediment will start to show, my eye will twitch to the point of people thinking I have a tick or something. At this point, I know its time to get some assistance from prescription narcotics.

Maybe I feel old, cos I'm getting over the drama of my life and stepping up and being an adult. Taking charge of my finances, my future, the people in it etc.. I don't have the options of falling back on anyone to bail me out, so really this is it. Being, acting responsible for myself.

I'm still dorky, nerdy, and charming as hell, its part of my charm, or at least that's what I call it. lol

Growing up sucks. What can I tell you?

Right now, surviving the day, going home doing chores seems like asking a lot lately.

~I'm up at 530AM out of the house by 630(at the latest)
~work 720-5pm, commute home by 6 ish.
~Do chores of dishes from the night before, bathroom cleaning before the weekend etc
~Bathe (what do you mean I have to take my clothes off, get into the tub, get out, and get dressed AGAIN?!!... that's asking a lot, I'll shower tomorrow...maybe)
~Make something to eat so I do not parish overnight(with my girth that's unlikely)
~return emails, phone calls, etc...
~and plant my ass on the couch for the rest of the night.

sometimes I'm not settling in for the night til 8-830, yes it's early, but when you're not sleeping it may as well be midnight.
I can not even humuor the idea of going out at night with friends for drinks etc.. I'm that TIRED. (last two nights I've been in bed by 9-930) ugh. I"M OLD.

I wonder if this is how its starts for elderly people?
At what point does a person of a certain age over 40, 50, 60, 70 wake up and decide, "I'm going to get up at 4am, eat dinner at 4pm, and go to bed by 6pm"... is this how it all starts? cos if is, I'm freakin hooped.

Hopefully this will pass. I can be an adult and not feel like an elderly one.

Updated 40 things before 40 - need help with the last nine

I'm up to 31 items now.

Have ANY idea how hard it is to come up with 40 things?
If you're going to do one of these list, I strongly recommend you do it before you turn 30, 31, 32, pick your year etc... The older you get the harder its becoming, cos I've done a lot already.

9 more to go. I need help. Suggestions please.