It's all just busy work....

.....that is how I feel about my current position.

I'm making minor, though frequent mistakes lately. This starts to occur at any of my previous 3 jobs, when I've lost complete interest in my work. I've stopped caring. I've stopped feeling needed and relevant at all.

I started out as the a/p assistant/receptionist/personal assistant to whomever....

every year I have less to do than the year before. Now, in all honesty, my only responsibility is to answer the phone, IF it ever rings.

Sure I have a few accounts I manage, but they're not a daily occurrences, as I've established a relationship with my reps that the accounts work themselves efficiently

Granted, I should shut my mouth... I'm employed. Paid okay for doing nothing.  Don't bite the hand that feeds you etc.. You get the idea.

I don't want to become bitter. I like my boss. My benefits. The compressed work weeks all year. Most of the people I work with. It's close to home.

It's becoming harder to get out of bed. It's becoming harder to simply care. Today, I was unnecessarily rude to a few people. One guy in the warehouse said something stupid in regards to some drama that occurred in our parking lot before the office opened. I replied quietly, sighed heavily; "I really don't care, sorry."

It might be time to really give some serious consideration

to looking for work elsewhere. It saddens me to say that as my boss

is great. Even if she won't relinquish a proper work load to me, but

she's fair, understanding and consistently discreet.

If it isn't broken, don't fix it.

I might have to risk it.

That is all for now.

Gotta go...more busy work just landed on my desk.

Mental Health -Update

Thanks to Single & Picky for the private email last night, I'm moving forward on obtaining a new physiatrist sooner than later.

She mentioned of a team of shrinks near my house. After much researching, I've picked one that seems will fit my needs. There is another about 50 feet closer to home, but her theories and methods would have me describing what kind of tree I might feel like that day.  Umm ya, not interested in self discovery through drama class, I need a professional to talk to and help give me new tools to how to help myself.

That might work for some people, I'm simply not interested in new age, spirituality when it comes to my mental health. And by spiritual, I mean the really cheesy kind, evangelist, soft spoken creepy, patronizing that makes people want to run away from you or push you in front of a bus.  I was a little miffed at this one site, it was down playing the seriousness of it all.

Must call and see if she's accepting new patients. Then get a requisite from my GP.
Great thing about working a compressed work week, I'm off at noon on Fridays, (keep forgetting even though its year round) I'll be able to see them during regular hour then walk home. :) Keep your fingers crossed that I get the person I chose, and that we're a compatible fit. 

I googled my old physiatrist, and although the site said her licence expired in 2000, I'm sure it takes nothing to renew it.  She was good. Really good. Not a pill pusher. Although towards the end, we were not seeing eye to eye, and I made the decision to not see her anymore as I felt she was working against me. 

Eg: She strongly encouraged me to get a new job. I had many interviews. One in particular was at 10am. My appointment with her was at 11am.

Explaining that didn't make sense to book them so close together, as interviews rarely start on time, then I would have to commute back 30 minutes across town to make the appointment. She really didn't understand why I couldn't make it. When I didn't show, (I told her several times I wouldn't make the appointment) she told me my priories were out of order.

Ummm okay? I'm doing what she'd asked of me. I asked her defensively if she would have liked me to stop the interview for a new job we agreed I so desperately needed, to call her to advise I'm going to be late, when I knew that before the day of the interview even arrived?  We ended our doctor/patient relationship that day. 6 years ago.

As you can see, even in my mental state at the time, I will not be manipulated to thinking I'm crazy.  I was extremely disappointed with her rationalizing. She had never behaved that way in the previous years I'd been seeing her. You understand now why I'm looking for a new one.

I'm actually looking forward to having someone to talk to again. Someone completely unbias, not invovled, telling me what I want to hear. Not sure how long I'll need this assistance though. Part of me is still convinced it's just the accutane tweaking my depression etc,  that's it's not a bad as I'm making it out to be in my head.
I'll let them decide.

The nerve racking part is waiting to see if we're a fit. Anyone who's sought professional help knows the importance of this, as it plays a vital roll in your sessions and how you feel afterwards. If we're not, I'll have to find someone else. Trust me, you do not walk out of the office walking on clouds, you're usually frustrated, upset etc, having much to absorb from the session. Then you're back a week or two later with input of the last session. 

For those that don't know, a shrinks word is not gold.  You have the right to disagree with their opinions and refuse medication. They're there to give you the tools to help yourself. If the tools they're providing are not working, a good physiatrist will find new tools, a new strategy.

So thanks again to Single & Picky for getting the ball rolling.
You're the best doll! See ya next week for coffee.

UPDATE:
The woman I wanted doesn't work Fridays. :(
BUT the Tri-City Mental Health will update me with a list of physiatrist in my city.

Crackbook - Mental Health.

I deactivated my facebook account. :=)
Not sure how long I'll last, but more importantly, will anyone notice? And how long before they do?And will they say anything via the million other ways to contact a person?

Not sure I need to be on crackbook anymore. HA! Almost said that with a straight face...almost. I'm being a needy, emotional spazz these days, and until I get a family fix (see next spring) I don't see the end in sight. :=(

I have lunch with one of the bosses daughters from time to time. Whilst I don't trust her when it comes to anything work related, she has consistently been a stable ear to vent to when it comes to being a spazz and my emotional turmoil. She has this amazing ability to take all the puzzle pieces of my life and put them together so I can see them so clearly.

She's once again stepped to the plate while on our latest lunch outing. Without giving you all the details at this very moment, (they will follow at some point), I've decided that maybe I'm going to start seeing my shrink again. Actually search for a new one that works weekends and/or week day evenings.  I have a few topics issues that I need help sorting out. Nothing huge in the scheme of issues that are out there. Mostly, it's to do with finding where I stand with certain people and learning how to cope again, when to let go, when to fight for it.  I don't want to turn into a Crazy C.

With my siblings making assorted effort to stay in touch, me missing my family back east and my parents to the core, friends turmoil, feeling unappreciated, unloved, being lonely for some male affection(not sex) and life etc, it's becoming a bit too much. And at the risk of becoming too harden, bitter, uncaring, and a unhealthy cynic... I think I need to get some non bias professional counselling again. It is at this point I think I would benefit from a bottle of wine and a stress cry.

Had I not just finished my monthly gift from Mother Nature, I would chop all this up to getting it soon.  It's too frequent to ignore anymore and say maybe it's the Accutane making react to the depression part of my past. Maybe it is. Regardless, it's getting the better of me. Consuming most of my waking hours. :( Doesn't help that I've had NOTHING to do at work for over two weeks now.

BTW: I applied for a new f/t job. Boss knows about it as I advised her, so she wouldn't be caught off guard should I get short listed and they call for references.  She knows she's not going to get to keep me forever, and frankly I think she is probably surprised I've stayed as long as I have.

It's all compounding. Stress cries are not cutting it.

In the grand scheme of things, life isn't bad.
I have a job, my health, the right to vote, no boyfriend beating on me, no kids, some friends, etc... so there's that.

Weekend.

Got together with an old co-worker on Saturday to go check out a fabric store in Gastown. Turns out we ended up smack dab in the middle of the Jazz Festival.

I've never seen so many people in Gastown since the last time it was a entertainment district in the 80's.  We found ourselves in front of the free stage while a presentation was going on. Okay we really only stopped cos there were hot firemen and cops on the stage. As it turns out, it's also the Vancouver Spirit Rally paying it's respects to those who on the front lines of the riot two weeks ago. 

Looking through the photos, I see something familiar. Me and my friend in this picture.

Of course I'm not going to point out where we are, but we are clearly visible in this picture.

It was actually quite emotional being present for this rally. To be able to thank the police, firemen, E-Comm workers(911), nurses and doctors from St. Pauls Hospital, the TD Canada Bank for stepping up and giving the Spirit Rally a place to present in the final hour (the whole thing was almost cancelled). People on the stage were choked up, so were those in the crowd. Much cheering and applause for those who put themselves between businesses, civilians and the rioters.

There was so much to see, as the rally ended, we saw, we ate, we walked up to The Bay and signed the Citizen's Wall and read all the comments. A few hours later and a little exhausted from being emotionally overwhelmed, we headed down to English Bay to rest our tired feet and people watch. aka. watch half naked hot men strut their stuff.

Long story short, it was a nice 10 hours we spent downtown with no agenda, and no rush to be anywhere.  Aside from the co-worker I ran into on the street, who was blatantly rude to us.  All we said was "hi" to her, and she looked at us like we had 10 heads. Simple mutual acknowledgement for the hello was all that was required. Don't say she didn't recognize me, she was at my friggin birthday lunch.

In other news, I went through my cell over the weekend and started deleting phone numbers of people I have never heard from first, or ever.  Really what is the point of having their number or contact infor if they never use it. I go through this cleaning junk phase more often it seems. I'm simply tired of being the person who makes first contact all the time. These people are not my friends. Friends hang out and do shit together. These are acquaintances.

Once it dwindled down, I was left with a dozen friends. Not bad really. These would be the people you can really count on. Ask for nothing in return and call just because, without wanting anything. A dozen is nothing to be cough at.

I put everyone into categories on my cell. Acquaintances who are in semi regular contact, friends, business friends. The rest got deleted. There is no point having all those people around if they only weight you down, rather than lift you up.

At first I felt bad, like I owed them an explanation of what was about to take place. Then realized, why? They've never made any effort. Right then, I stopped feeling bad. I have to do what keeps me happy. Dropping dead wood was the start. 

I'm not bitter about dropping these people and will be friendly when I run into them, but have stopped trying to include them into activities and events. I have to remind myself every now and then, not everyone is worth the squeeze to make juice and at that point it's easier to just crack open a beer and call it a day.

In short, if it's a not two way street, I'm no longer keeping you in my phone, or on facebook. Harsh? I don't think so. It's my life, my happiness and you're not contributing to it.  I don't think the whole "cleaning house" of facebook friends, and people you keep on your phone, ever ends.  Change is the only constant.

39

Today I'm 39 friggin years old.
This is my last birthday. I'm not turning 40, ever.
And until I'm unable to pass for 39, I'm going to be 39. So there.

Friends and co workers have all acknowledged today, which is always nice... but have my siblings? Yet to be seen.