Stress Cries & Hating Myself.

Everything this weekend made me cry. Everything! E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-!

Whether it was from sadness, laughing, empathy for another, or plain woes is me. I cried. And I can not remember for the life of me, when I had my last period. I thought I was due for it a week and a bit ago, but it never came. I did not count or mark the last one, so I could be way off.  I count my cycle since I'm not on birth control. It works reasonably well. I count between Day 21 - 29.  I get it in there. Occasionally I get it between Day 29-34. Those bigger gaps do not happen as often.

Off track...

Point is, I do not have my period and I'm crying, a lot. Hopefully it will come any day now, or I might have to count this as a side effect of the Accutane. Which is listed as one, one however that I have yet to experience. Nothing out of the norm.

I watched a lot of bad TV this weekend. Aside from leaving the house on Saturday to help a friend and her husband move a shed, and dug a tone of ditches in their front yard, turn over the soil/yard, refill the ditches as a compost etc... Not to mention I re-dug a hole that someone had previously dug-out and filled. Ugh.

I did okay in the sun. Those that knew I'm on the Accutane made sure I did not spend a whole lot of time exposed. Layered and reapplied the sunblock a few times in a 6 hour span. Today (read: two days later) I can barely move my arms, cos my shoulders are now broken, and can no longer lift my legs. Can't.even.bend.forward.to.stretch.  Overall it was a great day. Lots of laughing, good spirits, well behaved kids and tweens, good food and the neighbour's hot model teenager son (okay he's like 22 yrs old) tanning and strutting his stuff oh-so-casually in front of a bunch of 30 something women. *drool*

Bad TV consisted of many marathons about the Royal Family. Ok, I thought I knew a bit before, mostly due to my aunt only having books on the RF to read when I'm visiting, but now.... I know way more. Some of it was cool, the other stuff were just experts trying to convince us they know what/who/when/what the future King & Queen of our country are all about. Their taste in furniture, flats etc. I laughed, cos that would ring true if it were the Queen Mum or Q.Elizabeth. But Wills & Kate are young hip, trendy etc, I highly doubt they're going to have a flat that resembles that of what a 90 yr old person might like. They're already breaking the tradition by not arriving to the wedding in a carriage. They will arrive in cars. Ridiculous expensive cars, but not the tacky carriage. They however must depart in one of the 130 carriages the RF owns. Yes I know too much now.

Say Yes To The Dress Big Bliss was the other marathon I watched. I learned a bit. And I must say I LOVE LOVE LOVE Randy and the way he manages people's different personalities. LOVE HIM! I cried when I remembered that my parents will never see me marry. My Dad will never walk me down the isle, and if I do not get married in the next decade, my Aunt's husband Mike and my oldest brother Michael may not be with us anymore and they too will not be available to walk me down the isle. I'm sure one of my cousins would step in if asked.

The other thing I noticed about the Big Bliss Brides, something I've observed in general life. There are a lot of big women who thing dressing inappropriately for their size and being crude/rude/and loud is okay.  Wearing a top that is too tight and showing way too much of the girls is not cool.Same with your lower half. It makes you look trashy. Being overly loud. I mean, loud as in, draw as much attention to yourself as possible is again, not cool. Being rude and crude. ugh. I'm being all McJudgey right now, but those are people I could not be friends with.  They seem to go out of their way to appear uneducated and trashy. 

Yes, that was the judgement I made about many of these brides. Don't get me wrong, some skinny brides are no better.  I guess my point is, we as a plus size already draw enough attention to ourselves cos of our size. Why draw a larger negative response cos you choose to portray yourself as having no manners or do not know how to be a lady. Time and place to be trashy. Shopping at Kleinfelds New York is not one of them.

The other thing I learned; wedding dresses in a plus size, limited, even at Kleinfelds New York. They have one of the largest inventories in North America. Imagine how hard it will be to locate a plus size wedding dress elsewhere. I mean, yes, it possible, but like clothes shopping, it might be limited.

Very long story short, lately I've been faced with my own dislikes about myself. My weight is one of them. Until recently, I've always carried my weight very well, very proportionately. Today, not so much.  It's all setting a fire under my ass to get more serious about doing something about it.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. You know it's time when you start judging others the same size as you as unattractive. I know I'll never be a size 8 again.  See pictured attached.

Yes that is me. Size 8 at my fittest. 130 lbs As you can see, even fit, I'm a thick girl. Hips and girth. Little did I know 8 years after that picture was taken, I'd gain 80 lbs in less than 9 months. Now I'm a 16/18. Pushing out of 18 and into 20 soon if I'm not careful. It's not pretty. I've never been pencil thin. Always had curves, before J-Lo was ever popular and teased heavily for it. Having a women's body as a teenager wasn't easy. In dance and gymnastics it worked in my benefit.

Being athletic and curvy wasn't normal or popular. Add being a redhead and get a lot of stares. At the time that is.  Now, girls are curvy from birth it seems. I'd say today's youth have a healthier body images. They know how to embrace being different a little better than we did 20 years ago. Yes I'm aware poor body image still exists, but it's not a taboo topic anymore. Just like mental health. People are becoming more educated and tolerant about topics. Well some are, there are people in the world who just like to hate. Regardless of their reason.

And to think the long term b/f  thought I was getting "heavy" at 135 lbs a few years after that picture was taken. I'd give a lot to have that body/flexibility/strength again. I cried in anger thinking about that place and time when he said that over dinner with his parents and my rude reply at the dinner table in his parents house. "Having compared me to (his sister's name)who is 10 years younger than me, but 6 ft tall and a professional ballerina. No comparison being 5'2, 10 yrs older and weighing 35 lbs more than her. Of course you'd think I was heavy."  The remainder of the night was quiet. We broke up a few months later after the better half of 7 years.

So I'm sappy, and very unhappy with my physical appearance. 
I will do something about it.
Must make it a priority.