Afraid of Success.

I've learned a few things about myself in the last 48 hours.
1- My ability to see that someone isn't being upfront with me, is broken.
2- I signed up on POF again.
3- Found belief in myself.

I woke up Saturday and it seemed I had a clearer sense of what I want. For myself, in friends, and in love. In the past I've always looked passed the quirks in people and choose to see the good. That they wouldn't be malicious for sport. Well it turns out I'm wrong. The people I've surrounded myself with in the last couple years have all done just that. Inject drama for fun.

I've put up with a lot of crappy things, people, and situations cos I choose not to go with my gut. Maybe I did not have enough going on in my life that I let the drama in. I've been afraid of succeeding at anything for sometime, I took the lesser road.

I'm tired of it. I've let my guard down this year and was completely honest with some new friends. My radar to scan losers and people who are not sincere with me is defective.  I've asked them to give me their opinion when asked. I have, they have. And it's been good.  They can point out the errors I've been blinded by.

I was honest with my POF account. What I am, who I am, what I want. If men do not fit into that or do not act their age, then I will no longer make excuses for it because I'm lonely, and just move on.  I've always known these are the things I would do, but saying it is easier than practicing it.

Last night was no exception. I called up a high school friend Dan to take him out for a few drinks as it was his birthday on Mother's Day.  The first time we went out, he was a gentleman, but got drunk, then I stupidly got into a car with him and drove 1/2 way to Whistler before coming to my sensing and insisting we turn around. 

Last night we went for drinks and watched the game. (next game boys we'll get them). I'm not drinking but discovered just how many really bad, really, really bad non alcoholic beers there are on the market. For the 2.5 hours of the game, it seemed my friend spent most of his time outside smoking. That's all fine if it's in between periods. But no, it was for the majority of the game. I made friendly with the other people at our table and made the best of what I could. When he was at the table, he barely spoke. Bill came and he wouldn't let me pay. Seriously, it's nice when we're out other times, but it was his birthday, I should have paid. I tried, he made a bit of a scene, so I let it go. All this and so far I'm a little annoyed but wondering what we're going to talk about on the drive to N.Van. (30 mins)

Next venue. Adam Woodall Solo in N. Van. Said hello to some friends, and found a seat. Dan got a few drinks and headed outside for a smoke. 4 songs passed before one of my other friends, there with his g/f, had been keeping an eye on me, came over and asked where Dan was... explaining he went outside, but even this was long for him... before I could really finish my sentence, he was walking away to look for him.

Upon his arrival back to the table, I heard two slightly different stories, but the end result was the same. Dan had disrespected me. He apologized profusely. I started to wonder what else he might have been doing while outside as his behaviour was more hyper than it had been all night. Asking me odd questions like, "When we go out, why do you always offer me your couch? I mean you have two bedrooms".  Staring blankly at him as it was obvious to me and probably the rest of the population that has been to my apartment... the guest room doesn't have a bed at the moment. Hence the couch.

More gibberish comes from Dan and I'm no longer finding his behaviour amusing. Not that I ever was really, but I had been in my head about everything most of the night. Had this been a date, I would have left, so why am I putting up with it from a friend? Granted we're not close friends, but manners are manners and Dan was missing his.

I drove us back to my place with the intent that Dan would sleep off some of his drinking before heading home in the morning in time for brunch with his Mum. We pull up to my apartment, and he announces that he's taking off. At this point, I'm no longer concerned if he gets arrested or not for drunk driving. Not my problem, I was just happy to be out of the very silent 30 mins car ride home. Although I did enjoy driving an $80G car. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Maybe it's just a milestone year coming up next year, that I finally woke up and know what I want. I've just been walking around in a daze, going along with whatever cos it was easier than going against it. 

All this helped me realize I'm the problem. Not the people I let into my life. I let them in. Now, magically, I just do not feel bad for not having a connection with people. It's either there or it's not. Why force something out of nothing cos I'm bored or scared to go after what I want?

Inside, I feel empowered without feeling like a bitch. It is what it is. I found the missing part of myself. Balance. Self respect. My own worth.  It has all been missing for sometime.

As I attempt to enter the dating world again, this time knowing what I want and what I will not put up with (drama) I feel successful already.