Random tidbits

 Lately I feel like I've been a bad friend, horrible, actually.  Well silently in my mind that is. 

I find lately when friends talk to me about ABC etc, I've been finding myself saying in my head, "I so don't care". Bad right? I have the greatest friends ever! Why am I being such a bitch?

Trying to find the underlining stressors that are triggering these shitty remarks I say in my head. Cos as I've learned what we're lashing out about, rarely has anything to do with what's triggering us. We tend to take out our stress/anger on those we love, and subconsciously know can handle it. Doesn't mean its fair or right.

I'm always stressed about money. But that is no one else's issue. 

I'm lonely on a romantic/physical level during this pandemic. 

In a way to release some of this stress, I've been leaving horrible company reviews for previous employers that did me wrong. More callously, I've been leaving the reviews as a current employee. :) petty, 100%. Does it feel good? 100%. Am I actually hurting anyone? No. Am slightly ruining their day? I hope so. 

Been having random and extremely lucid dreams lately. About a month now. I've been trying to keep track of the dreams as I feel there is something to learn from them. Last nights was no different. I was part of a team of 3 ppl, Morgan Freeman, some other actor who's name escapes me, and myself.  It was like a survivor type show, but my job was to cook with the scraps we had.  We always had enough for well rounded meals, but they lacked taste. I was told by Mr. Freeman that I better buy the book "Learning to Mix Spices".  These dreams are nothing horrific etc, just random dreams. 

Got up and googled it. This book exists! Well website's and such do. So for fun, I'm going to study them. I'm a basic cook in general and know spices can make or break a dish. I have my few that I knock out of the park, but why not up my own game? 

That's my Sunday. 

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 4

 I'm a couple weeks into reducing my anxiety medication, and I stated in my previous post, it isn't going well. 

Had a phone call with my GP and we decided not to come off it at the moment. Soooooo, I'm back at my 5mg daily. We'll touch base in a month and sort out a plan. It may be one of those things I may require forever, since I unravelled so quickly. That, and we think the plan we had was too fast too soon. 

Between my shrink and GP we've all agreed that regardless of other (suspected hormonal) side effects, coming off anxiety medication during the pandemic probably wasn't my (our) smartest move. 

The headaches are another story. Again, it suspected that it may be hormonal. The fact I begged my doctor for drugs to stop the pain, he knew I was serious. I'm hypertensive to narcotics in general, and don't care to take pills if unnecessary. 

I've been prescribed Toradol. I haven't taken it yet. I will be soon. I've spoken with a few people and all have said the side effects are not desirable, however, it's better than feeling like your head might explode. We'll see. 

Stay safe, stay healthy. 

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 3

 I'm at the end of my 3rd week of weening off my anxiety medication. First week of taking my meds every 3rd day. 

It's not going well. At all! 

I'm crying at everything. Although I have lifted energy, my  brain and thoughts are a whole other story. My thoughts are racing to the point I'm worried that I'm back at the very beginning of where I was when sought professional assistance to get a grip. 

I had my talk therapy today, and it's not often anymore when I get to talk to my shrink while I'm having an attack. 

We've agreed together I will speak with my GP and ask for a new plan/course of action. As I love the new energy level, I do not love the racing brain, crying, the blinding headaches (existed before, but are amped up now) or lacking any sort of composure. 

Granted, today was my first day with my new job working from home; and things did not go well. Short of it is, I went into the office as I just couldn't deal with all the issues I was having trying to complete a simple task. 

IT is on it tonight, as I have to be up and running on Monday to work from home every second day until the pandemic numbers drop enough. We're doing our part. 

I informed those around me that may be affected in/directly by my mood swings. Nothing but support. There is something to be said for not making excuses as to why you're behaving/feeling ABC etc, being honest about it allows people to either decide to embrace or distance themselves to/from you. I've been lucky. So incredibly lucky. I wish everyone was met with the same support. 

Gonna leave ya here. I'm off to cry in the shower, and have a drink with a gf in my bubble. 

Stay weird peeps. 

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 2

 I've finished my first two weeks of taking my meds only every second day. 
What I've noticed so far:

* My speech has sped up. Like I have so much more to say, and cant get it out fast enough. 

* I'm injecting into ALL conversations around me. Almost like i have some weird obligation to be part of everything. 

* My appetite has increased!!!! I'm trying to be more mindful of the nurturance I'm putting into my body. 

* I 'feel' like I'm getting a better sleep, that is when the animal Charlieturd allows me to sleep. 

* I feel like I have a little more energy than I have. I'm more restless. 

I keep using the phrase *I feel* cos I'm not sure that any of the above mentioned is actually happening, or if it's all in my psyche.

What I have noticed to be more true, are the animals around me are more drawn to me than what they have been lately. Dogs love me. I've had people at local parks who's dogs will run away from them to come get loves from me. My favourite was a dog at Rocky Point Pier; of course I asked permission if I could pet their dog as he seemed to really want my attention. He laid down, belly up, and gave him all the love in the world. 

The kicker were the owners... the dad said this never happens. When his wife arrived on scene she looked astonished as she asked "what have you done to my dog?" apparently he's not the most loving with his generosity when it comes to getting puppy love from strangers, let alone to expose his belly.  That story always grounds and reminds me that animals truly know a persons intentions. I might  have been a dog in a pervious life. 

I start taking my meds every 3rd day starting this Sunday. Will update again then. 

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication

 Thought I'd document my journey of coming off anxiety medication. Any updated will be linked to this original post .

I've been on cipralex  for a couple years now. If you read here, you'll see what started it. To this day it was the best decision for my mental health. The first 10 days were pure hell! I slept hard daily at lunch, was in a constant fog, and overall felt stoned. 

I got to about the 7th day and decided I couldn't live like this. This drug was worse than the constant inconsolable crying and lack of composure. I read a few forums and they all said they same thing. "you're going to hit a wall a week in. Tough it out, after 10 days we promise it gets better!"

I figured it's only a couple more days, I've come this far. Anyone who knows me, knows I am hypersensitive to narcotics in general. If there is a side effect to be had, I'll experience it. 

....And like magic, day 10 arrived and like the forums said, a light switch turned on, and I was now a new person! I was no longer speed talking, using alcohol to self medicate. At the time I wasn't even aware I was self medicating. Once the meds had taken hold, I could see straight, I was super rational, and things that made me shoot from the hip - no longer had a toll on me. I could react professionally and 99% less psychotic.

 It also made a difference in my relationships romantic and platonic alike. With my journey of finding my tribe, I wasn't about to keep any of this hush-hush and allow some bullshit society stigma to dictate how I would tell people around me about being on medication. 

I love my tribe! They embraced me with the amount of support people could only dream of. I was always honest if I wasn't feeling social and thought I'd be bad company etc, they always, ALWAYS insisted I was welcome. 

I went from being a daily crier, to not crying again for a whole year! When I did finally cry, I was ridiculously happy. I was in my talk therapy session and remembering the look on my shrinks face trying not to giggle that I was so happy I could cry. I was afraid I was a little numb.

I could feel everything, it simply did not have a hold on me, and once those first tears made their way past the medication barrier, I knew the dosage was correct. 

Fast forward a few years. I am now almost finished being in perimenopause and about to enter menopause. The chronic nausea, and headaches are now affecting my daily routine. 

A quick phone appointment with the doctor, and he thinks it is my anxiety medication. He suggests we come off it, and see how I manage. Now, the fact I didn't gasp in terror at the thought of taking away my mental health safety net; meant I also felt it was an okay idea. 

That brings us to today. I am starting my second week of taking the Cipralex every second day. 

The schedule is as follows, providing I don't have any major setbacks.

Dosage 5 mg (child's dose, I couldn't function on the minimum adult dose of 10mg)
2 weeks = every 2nd day

2 weeks = every 3rd day

2 weeks = every 4th day

2 weeks = every 5th day 

2 weeks = every 6th day

2 weeks = once a week

...and so on. 

I am a week into it, and I already have increased headaches, not sleeping great, and my talking pattern has sped up. That may have more to do with the job I have at the moment, where running around with your head cut off is my slow day. I feel like I have much to say and have to get it all-out-of-my-mouth immediately! 

I will leave you here and update weekly or every second week. 

#mentalhealthjourney